Mickeysoft’s
CrockXP
Written and Produced by the
Transcontinental membership of
The CrockWriters’ Guild, a wholly owned subsidiary of
AlumXi
The New Voice in Old Jokes
CrockWriters’ Code:
• If it isn’t funny, repeat it until it is
• If it is funny, repeat it until it isn’t
©1995, 2003 Tau Epsilon Phi, Xi Chapter
All rights reserved
Properties
2 Mickey Mouse hats
Doorbell
Phillips Screwdriver
Disney Dollars
Chess clock
Box of shit
Box of 1/2 pairs of shoes
Crock XP
Burnt/crumbled crock script
2 contracts, a pen
Jell-O Brain
Dramatis Personae
Bunky Christy
CC1 T-Stop
“Next year in Jerusalem”
CC2 Chuck
Chancellor (CH) Jofish
Michele EITner (D1) JessIE
“I’m really excited about Jenn’s hair.”
Gill Bates Indy
“Are you saying Jenn will gag on these lines, or just that they won’t go down
very well?”
Goofy (D2) Maggie
“These are all positive things about Michelle.”
Malden Schmooze
“They’re fucked.”
Linus Jr.
Piano Player Bat-o-Matic!
“From the diaphragm!”
Properties Linder
Random TEP Linder
Recording Rawhide
Rush Chair (RC) Big
Bird
“I’ll do somebody or another”
T1 Jenn
Long-Steele
“That’s what I was trying to say about Rats’ Asses”
“There’s a little foam on top because I suck”
Britney
Video Frostbyte and Jeff
Crockin’ on a Prayer
To The Tune Of Livin’ on a Prayer
By Bon Jovi
Alumni
used to work on the crock
Leper moved away,
And Bats changed his locks- it's tough, so tough.
Now we work on punning all day
The songs don't scan, we can't find a way- to crock, to crock.
We've
got to kill off this goddamn crock
It doesn't make a difference
If we give it a plot
We've got bad puns, but not a lot
of skill- we'll give it a shot!
CHORUS Whoa, we're halfway there
(Whoa-oh) Crockin' on a prayer!
Take my script- we'll pun it I swear
(Whoa-oh) Crockin' on a prayer!
Now
we're back at work on the crock
We've got two whole acts,
It's all half-baked schlock- such crap, such crap.
Don't you think of running away
We've barred all the doors
(and windows)- you're gonna stay, but hey...
We've
got to kill off this goddamn Crock
It doesn't make a difference if we give it a plot
We've got two frosh, but not a lot
of skill- your nose'll leak snot!
CHORUS Whoa,
we're halfway there
(Whoa-oh) Crockin' on a prayer!
Take this song- we'll break it I swear
(Whoa-oh) Crockin' on a prayer!
Crockin' on a prayer....
ACT I
Scene 1
The stage opens dark. There are strobe lights and maybe some thunder. TEPs enter yelling over the noise of the storm.
BUNKY Alas, the massed orc hordes they invade
Cast their spells o’er our last blockade
They broke inside our poor 253!
My fellow TEPs, re-arm and follow me!
T1 (acting as a PKT)
We'll fight you up and down these unwashed steps
You evil and putrescent TEPs.
You have not spleen enough to fight
Lay down your arms, as might is right
BUNKY Being TEPly born, thou makest me gag.
More spleen than thou I surely have
TEPly spleen is pumped and giant
While yours is flaccid, soft, compliant.
T1 Perhaps thou hast the larger spleen
Perhaps ‘gainst virus, ‘tis more keen
But this is t’wix House Magic War
Victorious, we’ll even up the score!
CH Treither water, cold, nor rabid mouse
Can make us flee ancestral house!
‘Tis I, the Chancellor, with my crew
TEPs with magic, The Project too!
BUNKY With fresh reinforcements, armed well with magic
To your defenses we are bacteriophagic
The day it is saved, and it’s now clear to see,
No more those evil hordes of ...
RC CUT!!!
steps in with director’s board
You can't say that. It would be a Rush violation.
BUNKY But it's in the script!!!
RC Well, there are a lot of colons in the script too[1], but that doesn’t mean you can take yours out and pass it around the room. This is a family film.
CH How can Hairy Potter and the Joff Room of Secrets be a family film? Half of it is in iambic pentameter, there’s two gratuitous man-on-man sex scenes, three decapitations, five nun beatings, 22 nubile semi-nude fraternity brothers on flying vibrating broomsticks being hacked to death by a chainsaw-wielding sorority girl in a hockey mask, and one nude shot of Bunky here where I swear you could see everything!
Bunky No, that's just the way I was holding the Newbury Project...
RC All right, so it's not your family or my family. But somewhere out there in this great country of ours is a family for whom this is good wholesome entertainment. And that's our market.
T1 Great, we're catering to the Alumni now.
CH I should point out that according to our marketing literature, this is a wholesome family film that Jesse Jackson and George Bush Sr. could go and see together.
T1 Cross-dressed.
RC OK, OK. We don't have time to argue about this now. We have to get ready for Rush; the freshmen will be coming any minute now.
BUNKY Uh, oh. There goes our "G" rating...
freshmen enter
Bananas
To the tune of Bonanza
ALL Welcome
to TEP where we like to schlep Grape Soder
Welcome to TEP it's frosty and wet and it's caffeine-free!
RC What's your name?
CH Where you from?
Bunky What'd ya like to be?
ALL Welcome
to TEP where the floors are swept BiMonthly
Welcome to TEP where the Crock's ineptly rhymed.
RC Hi! I'm the Rush Chair, and I’m damned glad to meetcha. This is our Chancellor, our Treasurer Bunky, and our resident genius.
Britney Jr Nice to meet you. I'm Britney Jr. [shakes hands] My mom sent me here to meet some nice clean boys at TEP.
CH Britney Jr? I’m damned glad to meetcha. We’re very clean here. I can give you a tour of ….my shower…anytime you like…
RC After rush!
CH …You could say it’s Golden!
Linus Jr. And I'm Linus Torvalds Jr. [shakes hands]
T1 [to audience] Whoa! Two diametrically opposed cultural polarities in OUR FRONT ROOM!
RC So how did you two get together without exploding in a burst of gamma rays?
Britney Oh, I met Linus here while we were signing up for our Athena accounts.
Linus Jr. Yeah, we get along great. I'm helping Britney find all the hip spots to hang out on campus...
Britney And in return, I'm tutoring Linus in 8.021zed.
Linus Jr. We’re both taking 6.001. We’ve been working late at night on my “monolithic kernel”.
T1 Aren’t you worried that with such famous parents you’re careers will forever be in their shadows?
Linus Jr. But programming is all I’ve even known. How could I be anything else?
Break for older puns
CH FORTRAN-ing for the job market, you can't beat graphic design. You should learn to be VISUAL. BASIC-ally, if you can design a nice LOGO, you can easily go FORTH and become an ADA camp to some big executive.
T1 As a POSTSCRIPT, people SHELL out the big bucks for artwork that TCL's their fancy.
Linus Jr. I heard those PERLS of wisdom you SED...but I still feel AWKward about this new career.
RC ALGOLong with what Henry said. In the grand SCHEME of things, programmers just don't have a CLU.
Britney Sure, they can PASCAL-culus, but they can't communicate.
CH They like to YAK about their code, but they LISP and are horrible at SMALLTALK. That's why signing you up for another major is our prime OBJECTIVE, C?
T1 I know I'd COBOListic if I had to be a programmer.
RC You could be a naval engineer! Then you could C the C, PLUS...PLUS design, ASSEMBLER weld boats! [“Plus design, assemble, or weld boats”]
Bunky [very anticipatory] Want some coffee?
RC No, thanks.
Britney We heard you guys were creating a movie this Rush, so we wanted to help out.
CH Great. We’re planning several musical numbers.
Britney Well, If you want to use any of my mother’s songs you’ll have to make this a wholesome family show.
T1 Oh, yes, of course we will. When it comes to a wholesome environment, we’re totally committed.
RC You should be committed.
Britney Well, good family values are very important to my mom.
CH Family values are our biggest seller. BARGAIN BASEMENT, WE WILL NOT BE UNDERSOLD, SUPER SPECIAL LOW LOW LOW TEP FAMILY VALUES!
TEP FAMILY VALUES
To the tune of The Flintstones’ Theme Song
ALL Tep kids, meet the TEP kids
They’re a liberal fraternity
In their house on Comm. Ave
Living on a welfare subsidy
Schmoozing
with the media elite
Drugged out dancing naked in the street
TEP
kids in the lunch room
They want birth control on every tray
Down with family values
Watching our morality decay
Snapping
shots of prepubescent boys
Luring them all in with pretty toys
TEP
kids taking money
From Endowment for Humanities
Using Fed’ral funding
To give Uzi’s out in Roxbury
See
them as they celebrate Black Mass
Stuffing furry gerbils up their. . .[2]
RC Whoa whoa! They get the idea already!
BRITNEY. So what kind of movie are you making?
RC Well, we’re doing the twenty-second Hairy Potter movie, Hairy Potter and the Joff Room of Secrets. We’re basing it on real life at the Institvte...
BUNKY So we have lots of violence like late night problem sets, final exams, and mind-numbing explosions.
RC ...while at the same time blending in the fantastic in such a way as would never be seen in reality.
BUNKY We throw in some sex too.
LINUS JR. I still don't understand where you got the money to make a movie on the scale of Hairy Potter. Exploding castles, vibrating flying broomsticks, thousands of house-elves emerging from the ventilation system…
T1 Oh, wait till you see the footage I got of Hairy Potter casting a Destroy Lousy Architecture Spell, sweeping into Boston, covering the Back Bay and toppling the Prudential tower!
CH Of course, they made us rebuild the Pru. Boy did THAT put a dent in our production budget.
T1 Yeah, especially since we had to add that YuppieMart Mall around the bottom.
BRITNEY JR. No really, how did you get the money? None of the other ILGs are shooting a major motion picture during Rush Week.
BUNKY Well, at least not this year.
RC Besides, we save a fortune on actors by grabbing freshmen to play roles at the last minute.
CH Yeah, and ever since our first film, Fnord of the Rings, swept the Cannes film festival, we've had Hollywood bigwigs knocking on our door continuously.
T1 Like just now... [pregnant pause] Ahem! Just like now!
doorbell rings
T1 See? There's a knock at the door!
LINUS JR. What knock? Isn't that the doorbell?
knock at the door
BUNKY Now THAT’S the doorbell!
CH Well put it back on the door, would ja?
Enter Disney goons, wearing Mickey-mouse ears. EITNER is a little too cheerful and friendly -- think Mrs[3]. Rogers on Prozac. She’s carrying a contract and a pen. GOOFY is more hyper-like
EITNER Hello, is this Xi Star Cinema? Producers of high quality dramas and comedies?
RC Yes, that's right. We also write Crocks as a side line.
EITNER We hear you're a hot new independent film company with a string of widely praised movies that are produced on shoestring budgets with no-name actors yet always feature astonishing performances and hold true to the fine art of the cinema.
GOOFY And we're going to offer you gobs of money to sell out completely, give up all creative control, and make junky mainstream movies for us which will further enlarge our already enormous multinational media empire.
CH Yeah, yeah, yeah. As if. Look, we’re Very Busy with Rush and we don’t have time for your little jokes – go away.
[tEps fade back into front room]
Michelle Who do they think they are? Those tEps have tangled with the wrong woman! No one says "no" to Michelle Eitner!
Goofy Heh heh. Darn right.
Michelle Dismissed! Rejected! Publicly Humiliated! Why, it's more than I can bear.
Goofy Who, you? Never! Michelle, you've got to pull yourself together!
Michelle
To the tune of “Gaston” From Disney’s Beauty And The Beast
Goofy Gosh
it disturbs me to see you, Michelle
Looking so down in the dumps
Every guy here'd like to fuck you, Michelle
even when you spank their rumps
There's no piece of ass as admired as yours
You're ev'ryone's favorite screw
Everyone's all hot and bothered by you
And it's not very hard to see why
Goofy No
one's 'leet as Michelle
No one's sweet as Michelle
every tEp beats his half turgid meat to Michelle
For there's no C E O half as sexy
Goofy Perfect,
a pure paragon
You can ask any Mike, Dick or Irving
And they'll tell you who they would prefer to be on
Chorus No
one boinks like Michelle
Makes us oink like Michelle
Goofy No one's got a thong flossing her butt like Michelle
Michelle As a specimen, yes, I'm intimidating
Chorus My
what a gal, that Michelle
Give five "hurrahs!"
Give twelve "hip-hips!"
Goofy Michelle
is the best
with both sets of lips
Chorus No
one EITS like Michelle
Lasts all night like Michelle
Cronie In a wrestling match nobody bites like Michelle
Boybettes For there's no one as curvy and buxom
Michelle As you see I've got assets to spare
Goofy Remembers their names when she fucks 'em
Michelle (That's
right!)
And ev'ry last inch of me's supple and fair
Cronies Grab her tits, oh Michelle!
Boybettes Suck my bits, oh Michelle!
Goofy In a wet T-shirt nobody fits like Michelle
Michelle I'm
especially good at auto fellating
(Ptooey!)
Chorus Ten points for Michelle!
Michelle When
I was a girl I did kegles in school
Ev'ry morning to help me prepare
And now that I'm grown and I make them all drool
[slyly] when I do them it just isn't fair
Chorus None
have glutes like Michelle
Nor such hoots as Michelle
Goofy None go strutting in spiky-heeled boots like Michelle
Michelle[4] I use leather in all of my movie making
Goofy And
her name's M-I-C- H -
M-I-C-H - E -
M-I-C-H-I - oh!
Chorus Michelle
Michelle Alas, I can’t make those movies anymore. Ever since Disney acquired Little Spermaid Productions and I started working for The Mouse I’ve had to be a “Good Girl”. Well, I beat them at their own game and rose through the ranks of their stupid corporation – now I am The Woman On Top at Disney! Take that, you squeaky little rodent!
Goofy Yes, Michelle, they all report to you now – even the duck with no pants.
Michelle [sigh] So here I am, running the world's most gynormous multimediamegacorporation that answers to no one and has more or less established its own sexual morality for the last seventy years, but as far as a little good old fashioned bonking goes, my hands are tied. And not in a good way! An entire nation of children has been raised on lies, damned lies, and missing genitals. I mean, Aladdin gets to wish for whatever he wants and he blows it on freeing a coked-up schizo genie instead of the natural choice, a room full of nubile babes doing the dance of the sixty-nine veils; Snow White moves in to some midget gang bang fantasy land and the most action she sees is with an old broomstick, off screen mind you. 'Hi ho' is right! Belle dates a ten foot high monster, and everyone knows he's hung like a horse, and she turns him into some emaciated Teen Beat cover boy from FRANCE? Cinderella marries a fop with a foot fetish, Wendy pans Peter Pan's peter that'll never grow up and turns down the fast-moving dildo with wings named Tinkerbell, Pocahontas has a shot at some hot interracial action but ends up singing about waterfalls and trees. No WONDER this country's so fucked in the head about sex! All the kink has gone out of our collective childhood and I should be the one to stick it right back in!
[tEps come back out from front room]
Goofy [placating Michelle, looking at the tEps] That’s OK Ms. Eitner. Please try to stay on topic – remember, we’re trying to buy out Xi Star Cinema.
CH [whispering to RC] Who are these women?
RC [whispering to CH] Judging by their hats, I'd say they must be from AOLTimeWarnerSatan... [to Disney Goons] I'm sorry, but we could never tarnish our good reputation with a sellout. Why, ThereSNOWHITEwash in the world that could cover such a stain!
EITNER Oh, just sign here. Here's a PEN, OK? OH, we still need to negotiate the money...
CH We don't need money - we have art! [look at ceiling]
GOOFY Quit living in a FANTASIA land! Look, DUMBO, you could suffer some major financial crisis and BAM! BE out on the streets.
BUNKY We're not going to let you burn our artistic merit to a CINDER! 'ELL, A'd rather be on the street than sell out to you.
T1 Yeah, we could always build another house, but not art.
EITNER AAAA! LISTEN, ONE D' LAND isn't available to build another house. Two You still have enough money troubles to PETE THER PANd
BUNKY I know we could call the Queen of England! She'd help us!
CH Yeah, but only if we promise not to LAY DIANNEd
RC [rapidly after] THE TRAMP!
CH Well, the Queen's quite a SLEEPING BEAUTY, but she won’t get us 101 DONATIONS.
T1 I'd still like to stick my SWORD IN her STONE
CH We Digress! How could we JUNGLE the BOOKS to find enough dough to live like ARISTOCATS?
Bunky We could try a dairy company heist!
RC What... ROBBIN' HOOD?
CH We could raffle off one of our alumni, folks could be WINNING THE POOter.
T1 [shaking head in negation] Let's face it we need some RESCUERS. But maybe if we send out letters and FAXes explaining our predicament...
RC Yeah, between the FAX and the Houndreds of letters we’re bound to get enough money!
Bunky Well, I went out to look up some old presidents’ phone numbers, and when I got BLACK, CALLED RON Reagan, but he couldn’t help. Oh that reminds me, Nancy Reagan thought you had a GREAT MOUSE; DEFECTIVE, but great. She wanted to show it to OL IV 'ER COMPANY, but thought it might beLITTLE mER MAID
T1 Let' get back to THE RESCUERS -- DOWN UNDER all of our talking, we need help now.
Ch I've got an idea,
RC It better be a BEAUTY, AND THE BEAST you have.
Ch I've got a friend with a young son. We'll call thA LADD IN, and with a little LION, KING him .... Oh, wait, I lost the crown!
Bunky When did you lose it?
Ch Last night when I was playin’ POCA HON DIS table[5]
Bunky Poka hon dis table, but I just met her...
T1 Wait a minute...[shudders violently]
BRITNEY JR. What's up with her?
RC She's getting a fax.
T1 [Gazing into space as if reading a fax] Uh oh.
RC What's up?
BUNKY [looking up] Well, the ceiling. Hemlines. The price of TeXbooks. The Stock Market…[6]
BRITNEY Uh…no, it’s not.
CH Sorry. She still has the 1995 version of the script.
RC Shut up. T1?
T1 Latest financial report on Hairy Potter & The Joff Room of Secrets from the Treasurer's spreadsheet. Looks like we've spent $222,222,222.48.
Ch Hmm. Have the treasurer look into that 48 cents. It sounds...suspicious.
T1 Sir, I am forced to remind you that Joff Room is $222,222,221.26 over budget, and that’s not including Mr. Rickman’s personal hair stylist. In combination with this year's house bills, there's no way we can bring this film to fruition.
BUNKY Did you say tuition?
All NO!
CH There's only one thing to do in a desperate time like this...
Everyone Sell out.
CH Right. [to EITNER] OK, Ms. Hollywood Bigwig, what's your offer?
GOOFY We'll assume ownership of Joff Room, plus rights to Fnord of the Rings and Crouching Otter, Hidden Drag Coefficient. In exchange, we'll pay your current debts, and pay your tuit...er, bursar bills until you graduate.
CH ‘Till we graduate? Wow! We could be set-up for life!
BUNKY But what if we don’t graduate?
EITNER It's all detailed here in this little contract. [drops huge piece of paper]. Don't worry about reading it -- everything's on the level. Trust us.
CH [aside to audience] Why does the phrase "Trust us" fill me with apprehension in the pit of my stomach? Could it be because that's the same line used in previous years by Hilary Rosen, John Ashcroft, Substandard Oil, Noise Bitch, and TEP National when they tried to destroy us in the Crock? Nah, it's probably just gas. [to EITNER] OK, It's a deal. [signs document & hands it to Britney, who starts speed-reading it]
EITNER Excellent. Oh, I believe we haven’t been properly introduced; I’m Michele Eitner. [offers hand]
Bunky Eitner? But...
Everyone else glares at her
Bunky [in subdued voice] ...isn’t she the ex porn star who now runs Disney
At the same time Eitner says the next line to Ch
EITNER Welcome to Disney.
All gasp! DISNEY??!!
EITNER What are you, a dumbass? Of course Disney. Bwahahaha! Who else do you think has enough cash to bail out Joff Room?
Britney Hey guys, here on page 484 it says that TEP is going to be turned into a theme park!
EITNER Yes, that's right. Just think of it! Disney's TEPWORLD! Ever since the runaway success of Disney's Reality Mouse, we've been trying to set up a theme park based on the lives of students trying to struggle through a prestigious New England technical school. You know, kind of like Friends but with Debian workstations. We tried RPI, but they didn’t fall for it, so we’re stuck with you.
GOOFY And all of you clowns are now bound to work for our Disney TEPWORLD forever! We'll have a thousand tourists coming through your house every day starting next Wednesday!
EITNER As I said before, Bwahhahah! You'd better start learning these lines! [gives them a bunch of papers]
ACT II BRUTE
Scene 1
T1 is sitting behind a table. No one else is out yet
T1 I can't believe we let Disney buy us out. With my gen... genu... [stares at script incredulously] U5, what is this word?
U5 comes out, looks at script“Genius”
T1 You can’t spell, U5!
Brad Sure I can. E-W-E F-I-V … E
T1 [Exasperated] No, you can’t spell “Genius.”
U5 Oh, I know. But thanks for the compliment. [Exits]
T1 Sigh. [muttering] I can’t believe we let Disney buy us out... dum da dum da [scanning through script for place]... “With my genius surely I could have avoided this fate.”
BUNKY [entering, looking at a problem set] Hey T1 -- Could you help me with this physics problem?
T1 [looks at problem] What are you, a dumbass? When the microwave cavity moves into resonance with the line transition, coherent pumping of the quantum states insures optimal coupling to the excited state.
BUNKY Which means the answer is?
T1 22.
CH Hey T1 -- could you take a look at this lab write up?
T1 [looking briefly at write-up] What are you, an evolutionary throwback? Your proposal for gene-spliced somatic cell-cloned spider goats is doomed to failure. Recovering proteins from goat milk is virtually impossible – use the urine instead. And make sure to control for methylation state of the donor DNA.
RC Hey T1 -- Could you proofread this?
T1 [looking at paper] What are you, a cultural illiterate? How could you have missed the obvious references to post-romantic, neo-symbolist themes emphasized by the poet’s choice of clerihew verse structure? Just write that a flaming penis explodes on stage.
RC pulls out chess clock, puts it on table
BUNKY What if observed controls should lapse? [punches clock button on his side]
T1 Then quantum states should all collapse. [punches clock]
CH And if we need to run more gels? [punches crock]
T1 Get more enzymes! Clone more cells!. [punches schlock]
RC Camus’ Stranger– why’s it penned? [punches wok]
T1 Pointless life, a pointless end.[punches frock]
BUNKY Who lives on the old quark farm? [punches block]
T1 Up down strange top bottom charm [punches Spock]
CH What if I turn blotchy green? [punches shock]
T1 Put yourself in quarantine! [punches Schlage lock]
RC Teach me Poe’s great learnèd lore? [punches windsock]
T1 Quoth the raven “Nevermore.” [punches Dopey & Doc]
BUNKY But how can I improve my grades? [punches stopcock]
T1 [exasperated] Just use this keen command I made. [stops clock] It'll automagically do your term papers for you.
All Really? Cool! What's the command?
T1 Well, I wanted it to be something intuitive and easy to remember, so I made it Super-Hyper-Open-Apple-Meta-Exclamation-point
BUNKY What?
T1 (slower) Super-Hyper-Open-Apple-Meta-Exclamation.
All (slowly) Super-Hyper-Open-Apple-Meta-Exclamation?
Super-Hyper-Open-Apple-Meta-Exclamation
To the tune of supercalifragilistic
CHORUS Super-Hyper-Open-Apple-Meta-Exclamation
Even though describing it will cause humiliation
If you type it long enough you’ll suffer inflammation
Super-Hyper-Open-Apple-Meta-Exclamation
Umdididility Umdilidi Umdididility Umdilidi
CH: Macintosh
has some commands that sure as heck ain't terse
And if you type in Windows it would make a sailor curse
But I've discovered one command that blows them all away
The biggest line you'll ever find, and all you have to say
Chorus Is
Super-Hyper-Open-Apple-Meta-Exclamation
It will even solve all your binomial equations
If you use it often you will surely rule the nation
Super-Hyper-Open-Apple-Meta-Exclamation
Umdididility Umdilidi Umdididility Umdilidi
Big Bird: Once
I stayed up every night and tooled till two or three
Till I got each problem right and Dad was proud of me
But now my thesis writes itself and I don't do a thing
My grades are great, they're all top rate, and all I do is sing:
Chorus Oh,
Super-Hyper-Open-Apple-Meta-Exclamation
Hitting it repeatedly will rid you of frustration
You just have to type it once and then go on vacation
T1 [spoken] of
course to undo it's
Shonam-axe-Atem-Elpa-Nepo-repyh-repus, but that's going a little too far don't
you think?
RC [spoken] Indubitably
Chorus Super-Hyper-Open-Apple-Meta-Exclamation!
RC Hey, here come the Disney Goons.
EITNER Hello kids! How are you enjoying your first day as members of the Disney family?
Britney, Jr. [sarcastically] Oh, it's just great... Auntie.
EITNER Good. Now before the guests arrive this house needs to be cleaned up. We want this to be a place Walt would like to live in.
Linus Jr. If we clean out the freezer Walt could live here…
Britney Jr. …Disney on ice...
Linus Jr. …and he could room with Ted Williams.
BUNKY Clean up? But that would never give people the true ambiance, that “Je ne smell quoi" of the house.
The House is a Pit of Unmitigated Shit
To the tune of Why Does the Sun Shine?
by They Might Be Giants
ALL The
house is a pit of unmitigated shit
A gigantic nuclear waste hole
Where blue mold stinks in the bathroom sinks
And the freezer’s filled with Jimmy Hoffa’s corpse
The
piles of dust, the sentient fust
The trash that runs away
It’s plain to see there’ll be no frosh
If it’s not gone today
The house is a pit
CH [spoken] It is such a pit that it has been declared a Class II Superfund Site by the EPA
ALL The house is gross
RC [spoken] It is so gross, that the last three HazMat disposal teams... were never seen again.
ALL The house smells really bad
T1 [spoken] Its smell has been compared to the unique scent of a limburger-squirrel melt sandwich left in an unplugged freezer for more than seven months.
ALL It’s
plain to see there’ll be no frosh
If it’s not cleaned today
EITNER Yes, well that reminds me of a few other guidelines you're going to have to follow:
GOOFY Rule 1 No disgusting Nicknames.
EITNER Ah yes. Nicknames. [To T1] What's your nickname?
T1 They call me T1
EITNER Hmm. Too gnurdly. From now on, you will be known as "Happy."
EITNER [to RC] And your nickname?
RC Um, Superfund.
EITNER Superfund?
RC I had a little digestive trouble during my freshman year.
BUNKY He was more mighty than the plumbing, that's for sure.
EITNER Hmm. From now on you will be known as [Thinks] “Stinky.”
Ch We already have one of those…
RC But I just finished cleaning the mantel!
EITNER [To Bunky] And what do they call you?
BUNKY "Bunky."
EITNER "Bunky?" Oh, that's a lovely name. I'm sure you can go far with a name like that. You may keep it. Well, that clears up this nickname problem.
GOOFY Rule 2 No Eiting and No Swear Words
RC What the fuck??? No Eiting? How will we relieve ourselves of pent-up Angst?
Linus Jr. What's an Eit?
Bunky (Eits script) Eit!
T1 You see, it's funny because he said Eit.
EITNER No. NO EITING.
Bunky Well, Fuck you.
CH [to Bunky] No, fuck you.
RC [to CH] Oh, fuck you!
TEPS [Fuck you fight (include audience)[7]]
EITNER [stopping fight] No, no no! From now on, those will be “Howdy Y’all” exchanges. I’m sure you’ll find them equally delightful.
RC [half-heatedly to CH] Howdy, Y’all...
CH [no-heartedly] Howdy Y’all. [pause] it’s not the same.
RC At least we can still sit around and sing about bagels and beer.
Eitner Bagels and Beer? Oh no, that’s too controversial!
RC Pop Tarts and Beer?
CH [sarcastically] Much better.
GOOFY Rule 3 No pop-tarts, no sugary breakfast cereals, and most certainly NO SONGS ABOUT BEER!
CH No beer? What will we sing about??
EITNER If I might make a suggestion…
Tea, Tea at old Tee Eee Phi
To the tune of Beer, Beer
ALL Tea,
Tea at old T-E-Phi
Pour me a bouncer, I’ll tell you why
Send those freshmen out for gin
and they’ll tell you it’s a sin.
We
never stagger, we never fall
Mostly because we don’t drink at all
While three quarters of a keg
goes bad on the Perlick floor.
RC Party
punch is half-a-proof, toss it, toss it
All that ethanol will make it hard for us to tool
ALL While our loyal chancellor drinks caffeine and tools all night.
EITNER Charming. Just Charming. Next?
GOOFY Rule 4 No Angst
T1 [horrified] NO ANG--??? [gently] I mean, no angst?
EITNER That’s correct. No angst wall, no flame pits, no eitmail…
Bunky But how will Stinky cope without Eitmail?
EITNET …no endless room points meetings, and no gossip and slander. This house will be an Angst Free Zone.
CH An Angst Free Zone? What about my problem sets?
RC What about the fact that we’re owned by Disney?
BUNKY What about Rhett?
EITNER That brings me to my next point. I’ve had a word with your national, we agree that we cannot have the “brotherly love” concept diluted in any way. Therefore, the rule will be:
GOOFY Rule 5 No Broads, Chicks, Dames, or Women
EITNER No more of this ridiculous talk of female boarders.
Bunky But we’re allowed.
T1 National gave us permission! We have a, a boarding pass.
EITNER Absolutely not. We will have a pristine, family-friendly environment, there’ll be no—no—[vague hand motion]
GOOFY [much more explicit motions behind EITNER’s back]
CH You mean no sex?
RC That won’t be hard.
CH How about the hot steaming guy-on-guy—
RC Uh, what were you saying, Ms. Eitner?
EITNER No women.
Bunky & T1 So, what, we have to move?
EITNER Kaputski. For your sake, I hope there is room at McCormick. [Da! Svetlana!]
BUNKY Hey, Snow White lived with seven guys...
RC This is terrible.
EITNER Oh, it’s not so bad as that. You will be allowed to hold a semi-formal dance each semester with Sigma Phi Nothing, at the Panhellenic Theme Park down the street. But the dance will be videotaped for the Disney Channel, so keep it clean. TTFN!
exit Disney goons
RC I’ve got an idea - Let’s be real obnoxious to the tourists so they’ll not want to come back and Disney will leave us alone...
YOU’RE A PEST
to Be Our Guest from Beauty and the Beast
Music Alan Menken, Lyrics Howard Ashman
via the Capitol Steps
S1 You’re
a pest, you’re a pest
Go away , I’ve got a test.
Let me hide out in my closet, stare at walls and be depressed.
S2 Don’t
ask me for House Tours
At TEP Mickey says “Up Yours!” [add
obscene arm gesture]
Do the dishes? Are you joking?
S1 Holy Shit! The Hobart’s smoking!
S2 You’ll
inquire “What’s that stink?”
And we’ll show you fourth back sink!
And we won’t clean up that spot where Haggis messed!
S1 Don’t take her mess away! We’ll serve it as paté!
Both You’re a pest! We’re cross-dressed! Go home stressed!
[slower verse here, up to speed by second line]
S1 There’s
no way we’ll display
a clean college life for pay -
We will drool on you and Eit your lunch,
make fun of your toupeé.
S2 At
high Gees you will wheeze
in our centrifuge trapeze
Come and try our liquid ni-
Trojan and feel your innards freeze
S1 Chippendale
in this park
Come and serve you in the stark
Aladdin rubs, well, not his lamp but you can guess
Both Now
we’ve got Disney’s dough
So we don’t need you GO!
You’re a pest, go molest Chuckie Vest.
Bunky Nah, they’re trying that in Europe and it still isn’t working
RC I can’t believe it...no eiting. no flaming. no angst
BUNKY No women.
CH There goes our social chair.
T1 And half the freshman class.
Random Brother[coming in with a large box and single glass slipper] Man, what a horrible date.
T1 Got dissed again huh?
Random Brother Yup, right at midnight, same as always! I just don’t get it! [dumps out box full of one galosh, one sandal, one boot, one slipper, one dirty sock... throws the slipper in]
RC Oh, you think you’ve got it bad? At least you don’t have to share your bathroom with 7 short squinty-eyed bearded roommates.
U5 Hey!
BUNKY Oh, that’s nothing. I gotta share my bathroom with 101 god damned furry spotted roommates.
RC Yeah, but think about poor Andy L. - Every time he lies...
BUNKY His nose grows?
RC No! Not his nose!
ALL [Admirable Astonishment] Pickles?
RC [nods] Uh Huh.
CH I can’t stand living like this.
Bunky It’s like trying to be punk without wearing black or listening to music.
CH It’s like calling TEP and getting the right person on the phone.
T1 It’s like running WindowsXP without system crashes.
Ch All right, all right. Let’s give it the old TEP try...
David Honig
To the tune of "Mickey Mouse"
Words in parentheses are spoken by one or two characters.
ALL D-A-V,
I-D-A,
H-O-N-I-G,
David Honig (Ayn Rand!)
David Honig (John Galt!)
Forever let him hold himself aloof, loof, oof.
Who’s the TEP who loves to schlep to all activities
ALL, Slower D-A-V, (Victims deserve what
they get.)
I-D-A, (A is A.)
H-O-N-I-G.
Britney Jr Well, that sure sucked
Linus Jr Hey, Britney Jr., Maybe your mom could help
Britney Jr Uh, how?
Linus Jr She’s a multi-millionaire Pepsi Drinker, and maybe she could sing us out of this mess
Linder Eit Me Baby One More Time…
Britney Jr Mom! Go Away! I told you not to bother me at school [pushes her offstage]. All right Linus, what about your dad? At least he’s a bona fide geek – maybe he could … ah … “geek” us out of this mess?
Linus Jr No, If being a geek were enough we wouldn’t have gotten into this predicament in the first place
CH At least we're not in debt any more. After all, things could be much worse.
T1 Oh, right. How?
It Could Be Much Worse
to the tune of ‘It’s all for the Best’ in Godspell
Bunky When
you feel dumb
and know you can't pass
your brain's gone numb
you've dropped your last class
your prof's berating, stating
there's no chance of graduating
physics you're cramming and
Newton your damning and
MIT's ramming your ass
your sex life ain't great
at best it is calm
your last hot date
was with your right palm
well don't forget that
though you think your
life's under a curse
Yes! It could be much worse...
Big Bird You
could be bit by rabid fleas
lopped off at the knees
get a gross disease in your tummy
bumped upside the head
jumped on ‘till you’re dead
shot all full of lead by a dean
eat worms until you're sick
turtle-wax your dick
have a seat & stick where it's gummy
get slapped by a haddock
and stabbed through the spleen
you could have bunions on your feet
warts upon your seat
be the G.M. fleet crash-test dummy
get hit by a tree
get splenectomied
go and take a pee with Chuck Vest
get reamed by your landlord
and hung with a lamp cord
though terse, it could be much worse...
Both Yes! It could be much --
BB get carted off inside a hearse
Both Yes! It could be much --
Bunky have to sing this unrehearsed
Both Yes! It could be much --
BB there could be another verse!
Both Yes! It could be much worse!
CH Hey, look, it won’t be a problem. The alumni always write us into some ridiculous corner, such as making sure that all of the freshman are dead and TEP is ruined, and we all think we’re doomed. Then we turn the page, and viola! There’s the way out, written right into the script.
turns the page. there is a loud explosion. Stage goes dark.
ACT XIII
Scene 1
CH Umm. Crock Control, we have a problem here...
CC2 Live Action 1, this is Crock Control, we read you five by five. Describe the problem. over.
CH Um, our scripts are blank.
CC2 Live Action 1, we have a “no jokes” lamp on the Crock plot monitor. Can you confirm? over.
pause as actors deal, look nervous about having no scripts, & clueless about what to say
CC2 Live Action 1, confirm lack of humor, over.
CH That would be a big 10-4 Crock Control. We have no scripts. Repeat, we have no scripts.
CC2 Do you have backups? over.
T1 Real OS’s never crash. Only wimps use backups.
CH That would be a “NEGATIVE.” Crock Control.
CC2 Please stand by, Live Action 1. We will get you down, repeat do not panic, we will get you down.
Enter Crock Control People in front of the others.
CC1 No script and they’re in the middle of Act XIII? They’re fucked.
CC2 How can we come up with a backup script in time? 22:22 will come and all of the freshmen will go out for Ice Cream. They’re not just going to sit around and watch us try to find a something that rhymes with “salamander”.[8]
CC1 We’ll need our best man for this job.
CC2 He quit.
CC1 Well, there’s only one hope then.
CC 1&2 [a la “Hey coolaid”] Hey Schmooz!
Schmooz (from audience) What?
CC1 The TEPs are stuck in some ridiculous situation, they have no scripts, and they're in the middle of Act XIII.
Schmooz No script and in the middle of Act XIII? They’re fucked. [goes up front]
CC1 Look. If we don’t get them through this Crock with at least one funny joke, the audience will kill them. It will be the end of the Crock as We Know It.
Piano Vamps
CC1 [shuts up piano]Look, we can’t leave TEP under the control of Disney. They’d have to spend the rest of their lives dressed up as giant plush sliderules, shave Haggis into the shape of Disney characters, and there'd be a four hour wait to use the bathroom...
Schmooz Gentlemen, our new mission is clear. We’ve got 15 minutes to turn this (shows ripped up Crock script) into this (shows shrink wrapped package of Crock-XP) using only this:
Dumps a load of junk on the table. (which just came out of nowhere.)
Schmooz Let’s see...we’ll need that Elvis bust, Maggie’s dildo and a couple of rolls of DucTape™...
CC1 DucTape™? What’s that for?
Schmooz Yeah, to patch the holes in the plot...
CC1 Good point. We’ll also need that bottle of Philip’s Milk of Magnesia.
CC2 What’s that for?
CC1 You mix it with Vodka and you get a Philip’s Screwdriver.
Schmooz Now that we got THAT out of the way, the rest should be easy.
CC1 OK, how about this as a plot: Just as Disney starts to turn TEP into a theme park, the local junta of psychotic, condominium owning space aliens from planet X...
CC2 You mean the Neighborhood Association of the Back Bay?
CC1 Exactly!...so the NABB doesn’t allow Disney to build the park, which allows the TEPs to cohabitate in resplendent splendor...
Schmooz No way. The NABB would let TEP be bulldozed and converted into a Virgin Records if it would remove them from the neighborhood.
CC2 Bulldozed and replaced with a Virgin Records! Now THERE’S a solution! We could all hang out and play Grand Theft Auto: Vice City for free!
Schmooz What are you, a dumbass?
CC1 Maybe we can use Irving’s time-traveling fax machine to send on Sunday what we’ll write on Monday back to Tuesday for rehearsal Wednesday to perform Thursday what happened on Friday.
CC2 Wait, was that Sunday, Monday, Thursday, Saturday, Friday, Sunday?
CC1 No, it was Sunday, Monday, Tuesday...oh, shut up.
Schmooz Of course, Irving’s Time Traveling Fax machine doesn’t work anymore.
CC1 Why not?
Schmooz Because we just updated the drivers to Windows-XP.
CC2 That’s it! We’ll have Gill Bates come forward in time from the 1994 Crock and engage in a hostile take-over of Disney.
CC1 Why Gill Bates?
CC2 Well, one, because he’s the richest man in America, and two, we have a lot of material on him.
CC1 What, proof of his secret love child with Keanu Reeves?
CC2 No, songs from an ancient Crock!
Schmooz Boy, I’m glad that Crock, Inc. is an environmentally responsible company!
CC2 What do you mean?
Schmooz Our credo is reduce, reuse and recycle!
All Crock Inc. Where getting done is job one!
Schmooz Then it’s agreed. We bring in Gill Bates to buy out Disney and save the TEPs. Let’s do it.
[doors close, CAREFULLY!]
[doors open, again, CAREFULLY!]
Scene 2
Bunky, Ch, ... loitering about. Enter Gill Bates
Gill Hi. I’m here to buy out Disney and save the TEPs.
BUNKY Well, that was easy!
Gill So I understand you want me to save you and your pathetic friends by buying out Disney, taking over your house, and then generously giving it back to you for the low, low price of just $0.22.
CH Ideally, yes.
Gill Hmmmm...It’ll cost you. What can you offer?
BUNKY Free Disney Channel?
RC [hits Bunky] Well, you’d have instant access to all of Disney’s Secret Animation Based Small Human Mind Control Technology.
Gill Bates Interesting, but laughable when compared to PowerPoint – do you have any idea how many small minds are already controlled with PowerPoint?
CH We could give you a lifetime supply of Marshmallow Fluff...
Gill I have that already. [pause] Hmm. I do have one project which requires some, shall we say, scientific experiments to be performed. On one of you.
Ch What??? Sell out one of our brothers for scientific experiments?
RC We would never do that!
Ch Well almost never.
Bunky Hardly ever.
RC Well, quite often actually.
CH Right, like that one time...
T1 [interrupting] Hey, can I volunteer? I LIKE scientific experiments. You know, like the time when I drank two six packs of Mountain Dew and then ran electrolyses experiments on my stomach? Or that time when I revamped Tep-a-phone to compete with AT&T in the local phone market?
BUNKY Yeah, or that time you linked our web-pages to the bouncer return system via the joff-room so every time we flushed the toilet...
CH [to audience] Good night everybody!
Gill Excellent. Not only can you volunteer, but as a result of your extreme gnurdliness you are the most suitable for my project. I am building a new kind of computer-human interface, and I require a few pieces of...software...to finish it up.
CH Well, that sounds pretty reasonable then. You’re saying that you would buy out Disney and then give the Haus back to the TEPs, if T1 here just agrees do some scientific experiments that involve some kind of software?
Gill Perhaps I should have said “wetware” but essentially, yes. It’s all right here in this contract [drops big pile of papers].
CH [signs the contract] You know, you’d think I would have learned not to sign these contracts without reading them by this point in the crock.
Gill Bwahahah! You’ve signed the contract. I’ve got just what I wanted. Now I’ll go and buy out Disney... that should be a nice, relaxing hostile takeover. And after that, I’ll be back for my payment.
T1 Wait, what is your payment, anyway?
Gill didn’t you read the contract? I get YOUR BRAIN!!! Bwahhahhah!
SCARY MUSIC
T1 Will I get it back?
Gill Don’t be ridiculous. I am a ruthless, viscous, unscrupulous businessman
Ch I knew I should have read the fine print.
RC Who do you think you are anyway?
Gill I’m glad you asked...
Microsoft Executive
to the tune of Modern Major General
Gill I am the very model of a Microsoft
Executive
Work sixteen hours every shift on days that are consecutive
I boost shareholder value with my projections
of quality
My market-beating earnings drive investors to frivolity
Though some might claim that
we compete in ways that are not very just
That's just vindictive rumor spun by folks who can't compete with us
We'll tell you that our bundled apps are value-added synergies
For every decent programmer we have a
truck of Sloan weenies
All
For every decent programmer we have a truck of Sloan weenies
For every decent programmer we have a
truck of Sloan weenies
For every decent programmer we have a
truck of Sloan wee- Sloan weenies
Gill H. R. is vicious, driven by cost
benefit analysis
I bank on human capital (like just-in-time dialysis)
I'm sure that you will all agree that this is all indicative
That I'm the very model of a Microsoft Ex-i-cutive!
All I'm sure that you will all agree
that this is all indicative
He is the very model of a Microsoft Executive!
Gil The
ranks of coders advocating Java we won’t mollify
I tell them they can fuck themselves and use our broken API
Developing for Windows makes our competition often frown
They haven't any choice -- our system is the only game in town.
We'll use people's inventions that will make our software sell the best
The concept is the first step but the market really is the test
We steal ideas from Mac and PARC and turn them into revenue
Stability will never pay, just ask those hippies at GNU
All
Stability will never pay, just
ask those hippies at GNU
Stability will never pay, just ask those hippies at GNU
Stability will never pay, just ask those hippies atga-atga-nu
Gill
My business tactics are
compared with Henry Ford and Genghis Kahn
They built me up from nerdy kid to billionaire and then beyond
And while my competition spews out words full of invec-u-tive
I am the very model of a Microsoft Executive!
All And while his competition spews out
words full of invec-u-tive
He is the very model of a Microsoft Executive!
Gill Bwahahaha.
Exunt
Scene 3
Eitner & Goofy are admiring the House
EITNER Well, we can install the flume ride in the center stairwell...
enter Gill
Eitner Drat! It’s Gill Bates, my arch-nemesis
Bates That’s right, and unbeknownst to you, I have initiated a leveraged takeover of Disney.
Eitner Hah! I knew you would try to buy us out, so I had the board institute a poison pill.
Bates Oho! But I knew you would know I would buy you out, so I called a shareholder vote.
Eitner Ah, but I counted on you knowing I would know you would try to buy us out, so I adopted a golden parachute.
Goofy And transferred all our money to Switzerland.
Bates Eit! I anticipated that you would expect me to assume that you would know I would try to buy you out, so I bought Switzerland, the U.S. Mint, and several of these "Disney Dollars" [holds them up], which can be redeemed toward admission to your theme parks, concessions and lodging in the parks, or merchandise at any of the dozens of Disney Stores conveniently located in shopping malls across the country.
Eitner Yes! But did you realize that I would plan for you to think that I would know that you would know that I would know that you would try to buy us out? I have a white knight who will make a counter offer.
Bates Yes, I did. I laugh at your white knight, for I have a blue potato.
Eitner [blanching] Inconceivable!
Goofy Oh, yeah? Well, I have a red strap-on.
Bates [leering at her] In that case, I double my offer.
Eitner Oi Mush, we’re fucked!
Goofy Curses, foiled again.
Eitner Oh well.
T-Stop Next year in Jerusalem!
Exit EITner & Goofy
Enter RC, Bunky, CH, and T1, Newt & Ted
RC All right, you saved us!
Gill That’s correct. And now that I own the Microsoft-Disney conglomerate, henceforth known as “Mickeysoft,” I shall gladly return TEP to you losers, in exchange for twenty-two cents...
RC gives Gill 22 cents
Gill ..And of course T1’s brain.
CH exsqueeze me?[9]
T1 My brain? That’s my second favorite organ![10]
Britney [looking at contract]Hey guys, here on page 484[11] it says that Gill gets T1’s brain for scientific experiments. [to Ch] What are you, a dumbass?
Gill Bwahahaha. I’m off to set up the equipment -- I’ll be back.
BUNKY Gee, we’re gonna miss having our egos battered into the ground by your sardonic wit, T1.
T1 Not to worry, my friends. Ever since last year’s incoming class, all MIT students come equipped with two brains.
BJ & TW Sure, we got them.
T1 I’ll just give him my spare brain -- I wasn’t using it anyway!
It's My Spare Brain
to the tune of "It's a Small World"
ALL It’s
a clunky old brain, it’s out of date
It’s last upgrade was in ninety-eight
It will crash from the stress
Of this bloated OS
It’s a spare brain after all
It’s
a spare brain after all
Lacks sufficient wherewithal
Hearkens to C’thulu’s call
It’s a spare spare brain
It’s a brain that sucks, it’s a
brain that blows
And it likes to sing Barry Manilow
You can say that it works
To those pustulant jerks
It’s a spare brain after all
It’s
a spare brain after all
Oversteeped with ethanol
Gone quite soft and awfully small
It’s a spare spare brain.
T1 takes his brain out, puts it in a tepperware container, and recloses his head all without anesthesia.[12]
Gill Bates enters
Gill Bwahaha. Have you the brain?
T1 Here it is! This is the top-of-the-line, low-cost, fuel efficient, only-used-by-a-little-old-lady-to-watch-MTV-on-Sunday-mornings brain. It’s the best thing ever, it’ll write better musicals than Cats. You’ll use it again and again.
Gill Pickles?
T1 OK, you caught me. It sucks. It’s sooooooooooo bad. You probably couldn’t get away with using it for more than a limited application that would insult the intelligence of Dubya
Gill That’s OK. I’m just using it for the Artificial-stupidity component of Microsoft Powerpoint. It’s perfect! Here’s a briefcase full of cash so you can bring Rush to fruition.
All Did you say Tuition?
piano vamps
Gill No! Bwahahaha. [exit]
CH Wow, look at all that cash! Now we can pay off the bills for Harry Potter and the Joff Room of Secrets. It defies all intuition.
All Did you say Tuition?
CH NO!
Britney Wait. You mean to say that you went through making a movie, got bought out...
Linus ...signed not one, but two dumb contracts
Britney ...lost your entire plot due to foreseeable but completely ludicrous circumstances
Linus ...performed unlicensed brain surgery
Britney ...and just so you could get that cash...
Linus ...to pay for Harry Potter and the Joff Room of Secrets...
Britney and wind up back where everything started?
Linus What are you, a dumbass?!?
B & L You haven’t even paid your tuition!
Audience Did you say Tuition? There’s a song about tuition!
piano vamps
Tuition
to the tune of Tradition - Really...
Chorus Tuition! Tuition!
Tuition!
Tuition! Tuition! Tuition!
JessIE When
I was young I peddled for a UROP
Tried to get work study, whored upon the Fenway
Try as I might I can’t earn quite enough to
Satisfy the Institute
Chorus The
student! The student! Tuition!
The student! The student! Tuition!
Jenn L-S You
must learn to live on less and pay your bill
And steel your will to eat roadkill
Otherwise your credit will we surely kill
With penalties and threats of broken bones
[wait for “extra” beats]
Chorus The
bursar! The bursar! Tuition!
The bursar! The bursar! Tuition!
Big Bird Dear
Son: We got your bill today
But we’re a little short
We’d have to sell the summer home
And you’re [pause pause] not worth it
Chorus The
parents! The parents! Tuition!
The parents! The parents! Tuition!
Indy So
now I’m on the street
Without my damned degree
And all I have to show is
This bill from M-I-T
Chorus Tuition! Tuition!
Tuition!
Tuition! Tuition! Tuition!
Exeunt
Encore:
To the tune of Lollipop (Candyman)
By Aqua
four measures of intro, singing starts after cymbal lead-in
TEPs Whoa-o-o-o
Derrick & Pete We are the Oilmen
TEPs Whoa-o-o-o
Derrick & Pete Coming from Washington
TEPs Whoa-o-o-o
Derrick & Pete We are the Oilmen
TEPs Whoa-o-o-o
Derrick & Pete [spoken] Coming from Washington!
eight measures of intro, singing starts on downbeat after drum-sixteenth lead-in
TEPs I
won't give you my oil reserve
Deep cave, it's an animal preserve
Seal pups splash around in twenty three
I wouldn’t risk them for any fee
Derrick & Pete You’re
fighting powers you have no chance to withstand
We’ll drill crude just like we did in Kazakhstan
Make some back room deals with the Taliban
This is the tale of the profit-loving
oilman
TEPs Go
away - I know you are an oilman (and)
I vote Green and I must take a stand
Go away - I know you are an oilman (and)
You are even worse than Fortran
We’re
really saying no… take your cash and go
We’re really saying no… take your cash and go
instrumental bridge 2 measures, then jumps right in
TEPs I
will be tooling by candlelight
Trying to get my Java right
You will be drilling all day and night
For petrochemical delight
Derrick & Pete Don't
worry baby You can trust a politician
Big Tax break - coming straight from Washington
Stem cells Chinese planes bombs in Pakistan
This is the tale of the profit-loving
oilman
TEPs Go
away - I know you are an oilman (and)
I vote Green and I must take a stand
Go away - I know you are an oilman (and)
You are even worse than Fort- [note—jumps right into next verse!!!]
TEPs Go
away - I know you are an oilman (and)
I vote Green and I must take a stand
Go away - I know you are an oilman (and)
You are even worse than Fortran
Derrick & Pete We
are the oilmen . . . coming from Washington
We are the oilmen . . . coming from Washington
End on cymbal crash