Crouching Otter,
Hidden Drag Coefficient
Version 1.23
More or less as performed
Music
Courtesy of Vamp Master Bats, the King of Scansion, and his cacophony of keyboards
Properties
Wrangled by Rawhide
- Grape Soders
- Rubbing Alcohol
- PLOOK certification
- Substandard Petroleum Jelly
- Protest signs
- Ring
- Chart for oil execs
- Telephone handsets
- Water
Video
Thanks to Stinky for taping this travesty
Dramatis Personæ
Description Character Actor Scenes
Freshman 1............................. Forrest
Burns.................................................. BDGJKMNP
Freshman 2............................. Crunchy
Granola............................................. BDGJKMNP
Chancellor............................... Trey
Hugger................ U5.............................. ABDFGJKMNP
Rush Chair.............................. Andy
Corporate/Lefty. Kraken........................ ABDFGJKMNP
Dumb TEP.............................. Perlick......................... Perlick......................... ABDFGHJKLMNOP
House Manager....................... Burt N. Stock.............. T-Stop........................ ABDFGJKMNP
President’s thirsty daughter...... Jenna Shrub................. Linder......................... BCHJO
President’s other daughter........ Barbara Shrub............. Jessie.......................... CEgKLM
The Sea Otter.......................... Slicky[1]......................... Christy........................ EIjP
Oil Exec 1............................... Derrick
Rigby[2]............. Jofish........................... EFIKP
Oil Exec 2............................... Pete
Rolium................. Indy............................ EFIKP
Chairman................................. Chairman..................... Himself........................ A
Bald Eagle............................... Bald
Eagle................... Big Bird....................... Dg
Bursar..................................... Cher
Noble................. Jenn
Long-Steele......... BDFGJKMNP
Advertiser............................... Ken
Glomerate............ Crusher....................... gIj
Nightline Worker......................................................... Chuck......................... GJN
Captain................................... Capt.
Hazelwood........ Junta........................... M
It's The End Of Our Rush As We Know It (So We’ll Just Whine)
Scene B TEP Acres Wildlife Preserve
Scene F Big Oil Makes its Pitch
Scene G TEPs Try to Come Up With a Plan
Scene H Protest Telephone Tree
Scene J Methinks thou doth protest too much
Scene K Happy Execs / Upset TEPs
Scene K.Y (Cause we had to slip it in)
Scene L Preparing for a Wedding
Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority (M.B.T.A.)
Super-Hyper-Open-Apple-Meta-Exclamation
Beer, Beer, At Old Tee Eee Phi
Doors Open
to the tune of "Gilligan's Theme"
Just
sit right back and you'll watch a Crock,
A Crock with a wondrous plot,
We started out with last year's jokes,
Last night at three o'clock.
The
writer's block soon hit us all,
Our songs we did exhaust,
If not for the miracle of crock-fill-mode,
The Crock, it would be lost!
The Crock, it would be lost!
Lefty Wait, stop, we can't do this!
Trey Why, what's wrong?
Lefty That song is totally Bogus! The house is falling down around us, the neighbors are hiring mercenaries to kill us, the Institvte wants to expel us all, and the NABB is really upset about the new purple drapes! That song has no relevance to our current situation at all!
Burt But, we always sing it...
Perlick Yeah! It's a Tradition!
Wait for the obligatory response…
All No.
Lefty No, No, No! That song makes everything seem so … so … normal when what we are really facing is the end of our Rush as we know it!
To the tune of End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)
By REM
Not quite All[3] That's great, it starts with a
Chuck Vest,
Stupid press and all the rest
Put the Freshmen to the test
After
2001
End of Rush fun
Chuck serves his own needs
Listen to the press feeds
They
say MIT's weak,
Frats? No, dorms! We
Shudder when they utter
No Rush, no more, eit.
Fire
of our ire,
And we're tired of it all,
And an Elvis is for hire
In this Rush Week Blight
No
more need to worry 'bout the
Fury of the jury of our
Judd...Comm...Reps
"Freshmen
are too stupid
To decide where to live."
That is what they're saying!
Fine, then.
Uh
oh, overflow, population
In the dorms, what will you do?
Save yourself, save yourself.
Chuck
serves his own needs,
Watch while MIT bleeds,
Dummy with the crowding
And the doubting
And the eit, eit.
All Vitriolic
alcoholic
Nitwit, dumb shit,
Chuck is such (a) hit.
Chorus It's
the end of our Rush as we know it
It's the end of our Rush as we know it
It's the end of our Rush as we know it
So we'll just whine...
Eight
o'clock-crocking hour
You'll be caught in our powers
Slash and burn, return,
Listen to yourself churn.
Punning
now, really badly
Poor writing, done sadly.
Every scene will escalate.
Until we incinerate.
Meat
the freshmen, meat the freshmen,
Last time, last time
Watch us now, crush crushed,
Uh-oh, this means
Frosh near, getting here
Everyone steer clear!
All A
travesty,
A travesty,
A travesty of Rush
??? We
have no solutions,
We have no alternatives,
And it's a bust.
Chorus It's
the end of our Rush as we know it
It's the end of our Rush as we know it
It's the end of our Rush as we know it
So we'll just whine...
Frosh
on campus, what a gig
Chuckie Vest is such a pig
Rush in ruins, jury-rigged
All DAVID ANDREW HONIG
Irving
Q. Mojo,
Captain TEP and Chuckie Vest
Eating lunch, Brezhnev's, scallion pies, boom!
All Symbiotic
idiotic
There goes Rush,
Eit? EIT!
Chorus It's
the end of our Rush as we know it
It's the end of our Rush as we know it
It's the end of our Rush as we know it
So we'll just whine...whine...
(“It’s time I got to whine and moan” as background vocal)
Lefty Damn, we should just give up now!
Doors close with brothers in Front Room. Uncomfortably long pause.
Plant in Audience Chairman Jokes?
Chairman Hmmm - the Crocksters seem to be somewhat out of sorts - you know how performers can be. Perhaps they just need a little encouragement from the Audience - Try singing the chorus from "Hit me with your best Crock", or "Crock Me Baby One More Time"
[Jen Long-Steele sings the first line from ?]
All Not That!
Trey [pokes head out from front room] OK, OK, we’ll do it
Doors open Perlick, Trey, Burt, Lefty, Cher, on stage
Lefty Yow! Rush is about to begin and this place is mess!
Burt It sure is a pit...
Trey ...of unmitigated Shit! [vamp]
Burt Well, be that as it may, we'd better get ready for the freshmen - they'll be here any minute and there are just a few more repairs we need to make...
Perlick Then I'd better go out and get some Milk Of Magnesia
Trey What's that for?
Perlick You mix it with Vodka to make a Philip's Screwdriver!
[ba-dum ching!]
Burt [to Trey] Do you think having TEP declared a wild animal preserve will really help us with Rush?
[phone rings in front room, Lefty goes to get it]
Trey How could it possibly cause us any trouble? [troubling chords] Besides, it's a good excuse to keep all of the creatures who live here anyway.
[Lefty returns, excited]
Lefty That call was from the guys at the picnic - The Freshmen Are Coming!
[silence for a couple of seconds]
Cher [looks
at audience and says deadpan, looks down and shakes head
No, they're just breathing
hard.
[ba-dum ching! Almost done with obligatory jokes...]
Burt Right. Well, like I said, there are just a few more repairs to do before the freshman co... arrive.
Perlick Hey! There's the doorbell [points to floor]
Burt Well, go put it on the Door!
[Perlick goes off to hall. Brothers wait, hands cupped to ears. Silence]
Trey There's the doorbell [Silence] Ahem, there’s the doorbell!
[Knock from the hall]
Trey I mean, there's a knock at the door...
[Doorbell rings Perlick yelps, then Perlick returns with Frosh]
Lefty Hi and Welcome To TEP! I'm Andy Corporate, but my friends call me Lefty. I’m the Rush Chairman at TEP and the Game Warden at the animal preserve. Damn Glad To Meat You! Have A Grape Soder [puts grape soders in Forrest's and Crunchy's hands]
Trey And I'm Trey Hugger, the Chancellor and director of inter-species felations. Damn Glad To Meat You!
Burt And I'm Burt N. Stock, the House Manager and minister of animal husbandry. Damn Glad To Meat You!
Cher And I’m Cher Noble, bursar and minister of Endangered Species Procreation Encouragement
Perlick I’m Perlick, Minister of Drinking And Driving and the Excretion Control Officer
ALL Welcome to TEP…
To the tune of Bonanza
All Welcome to TEP where we like to schlep
Grape Soder
Welcome to TEP it's frosty and wet and it's caffeine-free!
Lefty What's your name?
Burt Where’re you from?
Cher What'd ya like to be?
All Welcome to TEP where the floors are
swept Bimonthly
Welcome to TEP where the Crock's ineptly rhymed.
Doorbell rings, Perlick goes to get it
Lefty Say, has anyone ever seen Monthly?
Burt No. I guess that explains why the floors are always so disgusting
Forrest Hi! I'm Forrest Burns from Ruptured Spleen, Montana
Crunchy And I'm Crunchy Granola from Saskatoon, Saskatchewan. I read that TEP is the largest wildlife preserve in the greater Boston area - Is that true?
In walk Perlick and Jenna
Burt Why, yes, it is! We have more varieties of untamed creature here than anywhere else on the entire East Coast! Why, we have least 22 species of cockroach in the downstairs kitchen alone, not to mention the…
Trey [Cuts in onBurt] Yes indeedy, we do have many wild animals here - and more every day. Just yesterday the Bald Eagle on the roof signed a timeshare agreement with a Spotted owl.
Perlick Hey, guys. This woman was asking if this the "Animal House"? Is that what we’re calling the Wildlife Preserve?
Burt [pulling Perlick aside] Do you know who she is?
Perlick A bird watcher here to see the only Eagle/Owl timeshare nest in North America?
Burt No, you fool, she's Jenna Shrub, one of the President's 19 year old identical twin daughters. She's probably here looking to get a beer or to get laid...
Perlick Here? At TEP? She must be dumber than me.
Trey Ms. Shrub, Welcome to Rush Week at the Tau Epsilon Phi Wild Animal Preserve and Fraternal Independent Living Group
Jenna Wild Animals, huh? That's what I was looking for! [pauses] Hey, how did you know who I am?
Cher You are the daughter of the President of the United States of America. Your picture has been in every newspaper in the country … several times.
Perlick Even the Weekly World News
Jenna Get out! Really? Well, that probably explains why I've been carded every time I tried to buy a beer since January. Oh well, Can I get a beer, here, at old Tee Eee Phi? [Vamp]
[Burt looks at Perlick with an "I told you so" look]
Lefty Ms. Shrub, I'm afraid rush week at MIT is dry...
Jenna Then how about a … Martini?
Lefty Dry as in no alcohol.
Jenna …Or a chardonney…
ALL No Booze!
To the tune of Beer, Beer
To the tune of Beer, Beer
All Dry
Rush at old T-E-P
Lock up the beer and throw out the key
Send those freshmen out for juice
We will not stand for drunken abuse
All We
dress up nice in cotton and silk
While we are having cookies and milk
And three-quarters of our ilk
Belong to the Temperance League
All If
there’s Hershey’s anywhere (Anywhere!)
You’ll be sure that TEPs are there (TEPs are there!)
If Hot Cocoa lasts ‘till one, or two, or three
Always brothers there will be!
All While the newest freshmen all get high snorting pixie sticks.
(Camptown Races)
Perlick The
drinking age is twenty one
Raise it! Raise it!
Brothers can have lots of fun
With mind and body pure.
All While
our Loyal Chancellor enjoys Fam-ly Circus strips.
(Swanee River)
Chuck Our
party’s like the Gobi Desert
They say it’s true
’Cause well before the party’s over
You’d felch a camel too.
All While half of the brotherhood thinks Gin is a rummy game
(Spoonful of Sugar)
Jenn Just
a bag full of gumdrops makes your troubles go away
It’s true what they say, just half a pound a day
Just a bag full of gumdrops and your teeth will decay
And they’ll go away to stay
(Ode To Joy)
Crusher Cheetos
and some orange Fanta
Makes me happy, makes me strange
Tastes much better than Jack Daniels
When you puke it’s bright O-Range
All We
dress up nice in cotton and silk
While we are having cookies and milk
And three-quarters of our ilk
Belong to the Temperance League
Jenna Cute song, too bad you can't sing. Seriously, though, this is a fraternity, right?
Trey Yes.
Jenna So, where's the beer?
Burt During Rush there is no alcohol in the house at all. Those are MIT's rules.
Perlick Uh Oh [holds up a bottle of rubbing alcohol], is this going to be a problem?
Cher No, only the alcohol you drink is prohibited
Perlick Doh!
Jenna [to Trey] So what's that you're drinking?
Trey Grape Soder
Jenna Oh - I understand [looks down and notices a 12oz bulge in Perlicks pants] That isn't a "Grape Soder" in your pocket, is it?
Perlick Why, Yes, it is. Would you like it? [pulls out the can and hands it to Jenna]
Jenna [drinks, then spews grape soder all over the front row] What is this? This is soda! God, you people! I thought this was supposed to be some kind of animal house!
Trey As I was explaining when you arrived, we are the largest wildlife refuge in the Greater Boston Area.
Jenna What a bunch of kooks!
Exeunt, except for Jenna
Barbara enters
Jenna I can't believe it. I went to TEP and they didn't even have any beer. What a waste of time!
Barbara I should never let you go out on your own. You are so embarrassing to me.
Jenna You, why do you care?
Barbara Haven’t you noticed we’re identical twin sisters? They always blame me for your stupid tricks. And you always dress the same as me.
Jenna You, you, you! it's all about you! What about me? I go to some super-animal house and all they want to talk about is their Northern Hairy-Nosed Wombat thingie. They're some kind of animal preserve!
Barbara [aside] A wildlife preserve? Hmmmm...that gives me an evil idea! [to Jenna] You went to a wildlife preserve for beer? I'm never going to live this down. Why are you always doing such dumb things?
Jenna I am not!
Barbara What about the time you had that fling with that old geezer?
Jenna He seemed so nice. How could I know he was a Democrat?
Barbara Your dress was ruined.
Jenna [sulkily] I didn't like that dress anyway.
Barbara If I hadn't given it to that intern to get it dry-cleaned, you'd be in such deep trouble.
Jenna She never gave it back. And she stole my black beret! Hey, that reminds me. They had cute berets back at that wildlife preserve. Maybe someone’ll give me one. Too bad they didn’t have any beer.
Barbara Only you would try to get a drink from a bunch of endangered salmon.
Jenna But there was one who was pretty cute…
Barbara What, a salmon?
Jenna No, one of the guys! And at first I thought he liked me too...but it was just a grape soder. They were so mean.
Barbara Look. I'll take care of that “animal house” for you. I've got a plan. You go find someone else to get you some beer.
Exeunt, Doors Close
Perlick Welcome to 253 Commonwealth Avenue, home to Tau Epsilon Pi, the world’s most established fraternity.
Trey That’s Tau Epsilon Phi, you fucking imbecile
TTTO ‘Master of the House’
From Les Misérables (Alain Boublil/Claude-Michel Schönberg/Herbert Kretzmer)
Burt Welcome to TEP,
look all around,
Check out the best frosh housing in town.
As for the rest, well let's just say,
I'd rather duck[4], a rush fine today.
Seldom do you see, said fraternity
When managed by a TEP, who's content to be
Burt Master of the
house, keeper of the zoo
Rousting them from beauty sleep in twenty-two
Build a hanging couch! Fix a ceiling
fan!
Bail the flooded deep cave with an old tin can!
Work week is a thing of beauty; everybody pitches in
Toe the line or you’ll be stripping eighty yards of front room trim!
Master of the house, granter of
the keys,
Keeping TEP protected from the rats and fleas
Spackling the walls, polishing the floors,
One day soon I think we'll fix the front room doors.
Herding TEPs around is easy, they’re good boys and rarely bite
But try to make them work and felch me!
It’s a never-ending fight!
EVERYONE Master of the house, wrangler of
the rats,
Runs his tail off ragged wearing many hats
Calling BFI, watering the tree
Keeps us out of trouble with N-A-B-B
Deals with slimy town inspectors, pays them off with unmarked cash.
Burt Please don’t take it lightly, Eit me! It’s a mother of a task![5]
Burt Work week is here,
I’m planning jobs—
Scheduling tasks for clamoring mobs
Rent a few vans, get TEPs to go
Bring drywall home from the Home Depot
Running all ‘round town, working to the bone
Attempting to control a disaster zone
Burt Dining room’s a
wreck, kitchen sink’s on fire,
Floods have made the yard an elbow-deep quagmire
Sulu’s fixing phones, Bird is cutting power
Frostbyte’s fixing BRS within the hour
When it comes to helpful
droolers, T-E-P is truly blessed[6]
Then the Hobart seizes, and the plumbing freezes, Jesus!
Won't I ever get a rest?
EVERYONE Master of the house, wrangler of
the rats,
Runs his tail off ragged wearing many hats
Calling BFI, watering the tree
Keeps us out of trouble with N-A-B-B
He’s dispatched to go felch Noise Bitch, tries to keep her satisfied
Burt I’m not going ‘till you buy me thirty tubes of Astroglide[7]
Cher I used to think that
he knew quite a bit
But now I know that he can’t tell Jack from Shit
Cher Mangler of the
house, couldn't fix his cat,
Has to call up triple-A to change a flat
Buys up pipe and wire, router bits and wood
Thinks he's quite a plumber, but his snake’s no good
Has no useful skills to speak of,
couldn’t even trap a mouse
Soon we’ll all be living in the empty shell of the TEP house
CHORUS Master of the house
Cher Mangler with no slack!
CHORUS Runs his tail off ragged
Cher Now you’re smoking crack!
CHORUS Calling BFI, watering the tree
Cher Seeing him change light bulbs is a comedy!
CHORUS Everybody bless the mangler, no one has a need to grouse
CHORUS Everybody give a cheer! [Rah!]
Cher I got yer cheer, right here! [makes appropriate grabbing motion]
ALL Everybody give a cheer to the mangler of the house!
Trey In addition to being a center of innovation, creativity, and frankly dangerous behavior, 253 is also home to the one of the largest preserves of wildlife in the entire Back Bay. Without further ado, let us proceed on the house tour.
Cher By the end of this tour, we’re certain you’ll have SPOTTED OWL of the GAZELLEions of exotic creatures in our spectacular menagerie.
Burt Welcome to our professionally equipped kitchen, where we cook gourmet meals six times a week, and we also have cooking team.
Lefty Would you like me to GORILLA steak or make ABALONE sandwich for you? Or, if there is something else you would like, just ask FERRET.
Crunchy I CARIBOUt my cholesterol, so I’d rather have a cANTELOPE.
Trey Um, Krevice already used that…
Forrest TOUCAN play at that game.
Trey Let’s SEA, OTTER [see, ought to] move along now. On your right is the stairwell that LYNX our floors together. It is the only remaining twenty-two yard drop in the Back Bay, as most of the old houses have been taken over by CONDORminiums.
Lefty We’re kind out of our ELEPHANT in this neighborhood. The yuppies don’t talk to OCELOT [us a lot]. In fact, you could say they OSTRICHsize us.
Burt The Angst WALLABY [Wall’ll be] on your left.
Perlick Now we’ve made it up to Room Thirty-Two. Do you know what historic event occurred here?
Crunchy Oooh, RHINO the answer. David Andrew Strauss composed the orKESTRAL score to “2022: A TEP Oddity.”
[piano vamp]
Forrest Don’t PANDA to his questions! You’re just PUFFIN him up.
Perlick Here’s third back: that’s where I shamPUMA [shampoo my] hair.
Cher Once I went there and saw Junta. I said, “Junta, your PANTHER [pants are] falling down. I can see your BROWN BEAR ass.
Lefty Oh, the huMANATEE!!!
Trey Yes, well I’m sure you’ll be happy to know we are now at the roof. Here we see the spotted owl/bald eagle diurnal-nocturnal timeshare. There's only room for one nest on the top of the elevator shaft that covers the bathtub. And here is the bald eagle herself.
Crunchy Tell us, Ms Bald Eagle, how did you come to live at TEP, in such an urban setting?
To the tune of of I Will Survive
By Gloria Gainer
Ms Eagle When I was a chick living up
in Nome
Life was good to me and I had such a happy home
Then they cut down all the trees and they shot my family
There wasn’t much to eat that wasn’t laced with DDT
Now I’m at TEP, up on the roof
With all this plentitude around me I’m reminded of my youth
I’ve got a timeshare with an owl, I’m gonna start a family
While I live at T-E-P I know they’re looking out for me
So Fuck you all, I’ve moved out
east
Take all your hicks and industry and kill some other kind of beast
I’ve escaped your evil plot and found another place to fly
When my egg crumbled d’you think I’d lay down and die
Oh no not I, I will survive
Oh.. as long as I’m here on Comm. Ave. I know I’ll stay alive
I’ll lay eggs in the foam room and I will beat the boys at Doom
And I’ll survive, I will survive, hey hey
I’ve spent all the strength I had
to fly east this far
To leave behind the oil-soaked tundra near the northern star
And I spent oh so many meals just eating crude-oil-tainted moose
I used to puke, but now I’m enrolled at the ‘tute
And you see me I’ve found my
place
Oh, I’ve been learning to plot motions across parabolic space
And when I get my Nobel Prize and make lots of free energy
Those oilmen will rue they day they ever messed around with me
So Fuck you all, I’ve moved out
east
Take all your hicks and industry and kill some other kind of beast
I’ve escaped your evil plot and found another place to fly
When my egg crumbled d’you think I’d lay down and die
Oh no not I, I will survive
Oh.. as long as I’m here on Comm. Ave. I know I’ll stay alive
I’ll lay eggs in the foam room and I will beat the boys at Doom
And I’ll survive, I will survive, ohhhh….
Doors Close
Doors Open, Barbara, Oil Execs, and Slicky walk out
Derrick [In slick, oily voice] Ms. Shrub, it’s so good to see you again! I trust your father is enjoying our most recent contributions? Good, Good. Have you met Slicky the Sea Otter? He is now the official spokescritter for SubStandard Oil – isn’t he precious?
Pete [More direct, somewhat worried] Ms. Shrub, why did you call us here? Was the last campaign contribution to your father insufficient? We can add more zeros...
Barbara No...
Pete Did we hike gas prices too much this summer? He gave us the go-ahead...
Barbara No, no. Gentlemen and … Spokescritter, there is no problem. In fact, we have before us an Opportunity of such grand proportions that you could become the richest men…
Bird [deep voiced] IN THE NORTHWEST FREE WORLD!
Barbara I discovered a national wildlife refuge in Boston's Back Back Back Bay.
Derrick and you know what wildlife means ...
Pete No--what?
Derrick You must be new here. Barbara, the chart please… [foley: Fhwat ding. Barbara brings out a chart gestures to parts of the chart Vanna White style] As you can see the probability of oil existing in any given place is a simple Bayesian non-deterministic neural-net reduction in probabalistic n-dimensional space.
Pete Huh?
Barbara What he’s saying is that there is a simple one-to-one correspondence between endangered species habitats and highly exploitable… er… valuable natural resources.
Pete Aha! So that’s why we had that Spotted Owl Bar-B-Q in Oregon last year!
Barbara Right! Why protect land from development unless there is a resource there to be exploi… developed?
Pete But how did this area become a wildlife refuge?
Slicky [grunts, mumbles, and chitters
and for a while]
Derrick Slicky, are you trying to say that uncompleted work assignments attracted all manner of creatures, and the albino plant broke free from the bounds of its subterranean demesne, and that together they formed a rich and vibrant ecosystem home to some of the rarest varieties of the solitary nocturnal geek outside of Harvey Mudd?
Slicky Arf
Pete Terrific! This Back Bay site is ideal! The Arctic National Wildlife Refuge is so incredibly remote that we need long pipelines and tankers to move the oil to refineries and then to market. The infrastructure requirements add major overhead.
Derrick Yes, cutting into the slim profit margins that we barely manage to eke out, while still keeping up our charitable public service.
Barbara Best of all, this refuge is so little known that no environmentalist is even aware of its existence!
Derrick We need to check this out right away! Slicky, go to the preserve and do some exploratory drilling.
Slicky [Salutes] Arf-Arf! [ leaves]
Pete This could be the best government oil lease since Teapot Dome!
Derrick It could be our own North Slope Oil Field! Or Three Mile Island… but, um, without the accidental radiation release...
Pete Or our Chernobyl.. but without vodka-besotted Russians trying to figure out whether turning off all the safety systems might cause a problem.
Barbara You won't be disappointed - this wildlife refuge probably has economically recoverable oil reserves of hundreds of millions of barrels, at least. Perhaps more than a billion barrels!
Derrick Wow. If we could recover a billion barrels…
To the tune of ‘If I had a $1,000,000’
By The Barenaked Ladies, album Gordon (1992)
Derrick If I Had a Billion Barrels
Pete If I Had a Billion Barrels
Derrick I’d drill me a well
Pete I would drill me a well
Derrick And If I Had a Billion Barrels
Pete If I Had a Billion Barrels
Derrick I’d build a pipeline for that well
Pete Right through TEP’s Wildlife Preserve
Derrick And if I Had a Billion Barrels
Pete If I Had a Billion Barrels
Derrick I’d buy a supertanker
Pete With a crew I can keep sober
Derrick if I Had a Billion Barrels
Both (harmony) I’d drill some more
Derrick If I Had a Billion Barrels
Pete We’d buy off the whole EPA
Derrick If I Had a Billion Barrels
Pete All that paperwork goes away
Derrick If I Had a Billion Barrels
Pete We would do just whatever the heck we wanted
Derrick Like we could go up to the well head and flare off excess gas just cause it looks so damn cool, and not fill out an environmental impact statement or worry about fines or any of that garbage…[8]
Derrick If I Had a Billion Barrels
Pete If I Had a Billion Barrels
Derrick I’d fill the Condoleezza Rice
Pete With all that hot slick oily crude
Derrick And if I Had a Billion Barrels
Pete If I Had a Billion Barrels
Derrick I’d buy an SUV
Pete Like a Tahoe or an Expedition
Derrick And if I Had a Billion Barrels
Pete If I Had a Billion Barrels
Derrick I’d go hit on Jenna Shrub
Pete With all that hot slick oily crude[9]
Derrick And if I Had a Billion Barrels
Both (harmony) I’d drill some more
Both (harmony) If I Had a Billion Barrels
Pete We wouldn’t buy from Kuwait anymore
Both (harmony) If I Had a Billion Barrels
Pete We’d drill it here and charge them more
Both (harmony) If I Had a Billion Barrels
Pete We wouldn’t have to go to Fairbanks
Derrick But we could fly up there anyway, and instead of work, we could blow off the meetings. Then we’d head out, grab some rifles, and take potshots at caribou and polar bears and reindeer...[10]
Both (harmony) If I Had a Billion Barrels
Derrick If I Had a Billion Barrels
Both (harmony) If I Had a Billion Barrels
Derrick If I Had a Billion Barrels
Both (harmony) If I Had a Billion Ba-ar-re-els [stretched over the downwards notes]
Derrick I’d be rich. [pause and look at each other] [spoken]: Ok, rich-ER.
[slicky returns and gesticulates wildly, making wierd sea otter noises]
Pete What's that Slicky, Bobby's fallen down the well and is drowning in the water at the bottom?
Slicky [nods vigorously]
Derrick Who cares about that? What did you find at TEP?
Slicky [three sea-otter barks]
Derrick Three kinds of Oil!
Pete Animal, Vegetable, and Mineral?!!!
Slicky [more grunting]
Derrick And both Natural and Unnatural Gas!!
Pete OK, we'll call Dick and get the go-ahead. We'll start drilling tomorrow...
Barbara Well, there is one hitch...
Derrick What is it this time?
Barbara The wildlife refuge is in a Fraternity in the Back Bay, and the Brothers there are ...well...strange. You are going to have to make a good pitch to get them to agree. But, since they go to MIT they all have one need in common...
Pete [snickers] What, to get slide-rule wax?
Derrick Or to get a date?
Perlick [pops in from sidelines] food, shelter and clothing?
Barbara No, to get money for their Tuition.
TEPs enter
Derrick Gentlemen and...uh...creatures. We have a very exciting opportunity for you here. Our initial investigation indicates large reserves of natural and unnatural gas, as well as animal, vegetable, and mineral oil.
Pete We have a proposal for you which will have an incredible R.O.I.[11], dramatically increase shareholder value, provide quarter-over-quarter growth, all by leveraging your core competencies and the resources available to you, in your own home.
Perlick What, you have a penis enlarger?[12]
Derrick Yes! [Thinks] No! Ahhh, actually, we're offering a petro-criminal … um …petro-chemical recovery operation. Our environmentally-minded president, George Dubya Shrub, has allocated funds for a major cleanup project to remove all oil from contaminated federal lands.
Pete We are offering this federally-funded oil cleanup to you, because we hold your wildlife refuge in such high regard.
Cher How much will this cost us?
Derrick In fact, there will be no charge. Due to the patented technology developed in our research institutes, we are able to make use of the wasted oil, which we will recover from your soon-to-be-pristine basement and Deep Cave.
Burt Wow, you'll clean the basement? That's worth it right there.
Pete Exactly! And the proceeds will certainly be sufficient to cover your tuition.
Derrick Isn't there a song about that?
Cher No.
Trey Before I sign my EXXON the dotted line, I SHELL need the house’s approval.
Derrick I prefer to remain AMOCOble, but I will BPo’d [be P.O.ed] if you cannot MOBILize them.
Andy This guy ESSO annoying! There is no MERIT in his proposal. If we accept it, I can see trouble on the horiSINCLAIRly [horizon clearly].
Pete Let’s GETTY down to the point. I’ll PHILLIPS your wallet with cash if you agree.
Cher [offended] I have a moral STANDARD OIL uphold[13], as HESS always been the case. Don’t think your bribery makeCITGO [makes it go] away.
Trey I'm sorry, this has to pass a unanimous vote at a house meeting.
Burt And the last time that happened was 1622 when we voted not to let the dodos into the refuge.
Lefty We had plenty in the house already.
Cher As evidenced by that decision.
Derrick And shouldn't you learn from your previous mistakes?
Cher [flirtatiously] So I can go on to make a bigger mistake with a guy like you?
Lefty Drilling in the basement is probably a rush violation.
Trey And we are bit busy at the moment.
Perlick No problem! We'll do it during IAP! There'll be so much free time!
All Argh!
Trey [officiously] I'm sorry but we can neither accept nor consider your proposal at this time.
Derrick Damn you!
Pete Curse you!
Derrick Fuck You!
Trey No, FUCK YOU!
Fuck You fight ensues
Derrick OK, the gloves are off – no more mister nice guy …
To the tune of Lollipop (Candyman)
By Aqua
four measures of
intro, singing starts after cymbal lead-in
TEPs Whoa-o-o-o
Derrick & Pete We are the Oilmen
TEPs Whoa-o-o-o
Derrick & Pete Coming from Washington
TEPs Whoa-o-o-o
Derrick & Pete We are the Oilmen
TEPs Whoa-o-o-o
Derrick & Pete [spoken] Coming from Washington!
eight measures of intro, singing starts on downbeat after drum-sixteenth lead-in
TEPs I won't give you my
oil reserve
Deep cave, it's an animal preserve
Seal pups splash around in twenty three
I wouldn’t risk them for any fee
Derrick & Pete You’re fighting powers you have no
chance to withstand
We’ll drill crude just like we did in Kazakhstan
Make some back room deals with the Taliban
This is the tale of the profit-loving oilman
TEPs Go away - I know you
are an oilman (and)
I vote Green and I must take a stand
Go away - I know you are an oilman (and)
You are even worse than Fortran
We’re really saying no… take your
cash and go
We’re really saying no… take your cash and go
instrumental bridge 2 measures, then jumps right in
TEPs I will be tooling by
candlelight
Trying to get my Java right
You will be drilling all day and night
For petrochemical delight
Derrick & Pete Don't worry baby You can trust a
politician
Big Tax break - coming straight from Washington
Stem cells Chinese planes bombs in Pakistan
This is the tale of the profit-loving oilman
TEPs Go away - I know you
are an oilman (and)
I vote Green and I must take a stand
Go away - I know you are an oilman (and)
You are even worse than Fort- [note—jumps
right into next verse!!!]
TEPs Go away - I know you
are an oilman (and)
I vote Green and I must take a stand
Go away - I know you are an oilman (and)
You are even worse than Fortran
Derrick & Pete We are the oilmen . . . coming from
Washington
We are the oilmen . . . coming from Washington
End on cymbal crash
Derrick I'm afraid that we'll have to go over your head to drill under your feet. Fortunately we've been supplying petroleum-based canine personal lubricants to a certain influential neighbor.
Pete The NABB is ours!
Derrick As is the BBAC!
Pete And the National Rifle Association!
Derrick And the Republicans for an Oilier Tomorrow!
Pete The who?
Derrick The Who support us too? Great! I love Pete Townsend!
Pete Look. We'll be here tomorrow at 9 am with a permit and a drilling crew. The only question is whether you'll benefit or not – you decide.
Derrick [Puts on wrap-around shades]
We'll be bahck. [Terminator style]
Pete and Derrick exit
[uncomfortable silence while people look at each other, hoping someone else will think of something.]
Perlick [light bulb appears over head] A plan!
Burt What is it?
Perlick It’s a proposed course of action to solve our problem.
Trey Great, that’s exactly what we need! A plan to save us from the dastardly plot of the conniving petrochemical industrial complex.
Lefty Sure, a lot of SAT words, but where does that get us?
Cher [aside] MIT?
Trey I'm thinking about strategy, okay?
Lefty You don't know what you're talking about, do you?
Trey I know a little.
Cher You don't know much.
Perlick I do know Much! He was class of 94!
Burt He didn’t sweep the floors, Much.
Perlick That was Monthly’s job.
Cher I knew Much. Much was a friend of mine. Brother, you’re not Much.
To the tune of Don’t Know Much
By ???
All: Don't
know much about history
Don't know much Biology
Don't know much about science books
Don't know much about the French I took
Cher Don't know much about Thermodynamics
Burt Don't know much about Fluid Mechanics
Jenna Don't know much about Crystallography
Marketa Don't know much about Nuclear Radiography
Lefty Don't know much about Etruscan mythology
Perlick Don't know anything about Paleogynecology
Eagle Don't know much about nonlinear n-dimensional differential Topology
Barbara Don't know much about post-Skinnerian Sociopathoneuropsychology
Trey Don't know much about pulsed laser inertially confined fusion microwave interference
Chuck Don't know much about retroviral diptherial toxin-carrying probabalistic systems analysis
Ken Don't know much about a sociopolitical dialectical approach to splat cooled polymorphous bio-metallic pseudo-ceramic neo-erogenous non-Euclidean anarcho-syndicalistic cryogenic gestalt-ridden user-friendly fluffy white rodents
Perlick Don't know much about [takes a long breath] Math
Trey Okay, enough with the singing. We still need a plan.
Perlick How about that fancy looking shiny metal contraption that we keep in the Kirby closet but never use? What's it called again? What does it do?
Burt You mean Kirby the uber-vacuum cleaner? What doesn't it do? It slices, it dices, it makes minute rice in thirty seconds!
Lefty We could use the Krevice attachment!
Cher Or the Hardpack attachment.
Forrest Or the Lifto attachment?
Crunchy Or the Rugburn attachment??
Perlick Or the sander!
Burt No, we can't. We lost the sander attachment last Work Week. Rawhide said he needed it for a “special project” and he never brought it back from the foam room.
Perlick Hey, what if we held a protest? [everyone ignores him]
Lefty We
could use the house vacuum named Kirby
Its construction is known to be sturdy
Burt In
a turn for the worse
It's stuck in reverse
Now rather than cleaning it dirties
Perlick Hey, what if we held a protest? [everyone ignores him]
Forrest We'll
convert all our cars to electric
Obey EPA dialectic
Trey Shrub
rejected in toto
The accord of Kyoto
That's why your plan is defective.
Perlick Hey, what if we held a protest? [everyone ignores him]
Cher We
could ask our good buddy Bill Gates
To buy out our threatened estate.
Crunchy But
if we agree
We'll use Windows XP
And end up in more dire straits.
Perlick Hey, what if we held a protest? [everyone ignores him]
Lefty It’s getting desperate. Let's use Hobart as a dishwasher, defile the foam room, and date a… hippie!
Burt I know, let's call Nightline.
Trey [phone dialing] Def tuv tuv oper oper
Nightline worker enters, stands on side of stage, picks up phone
Nightline worker Nightline, how can we help you?
Trey Hi, um, uh, um, a … friend of mine lives in a fraternity in the Back Bay and we, I mean they, were approached by some oil executives who claim they've found oil in the basement. Now they want to drill for oil and destroy the house and wildlife preserve. What can we, I mean they, do?
Nightline worker Hmmm, that doesn't seem possible. The geomorphology of the Back Bay is inconsistent with the formation of petrochemicals. Such formation requires both the overburden of many rock strata and also significant thermal input from radionucleide decay in the mantle in order to metamorphose organic deposits into hydrocarbons.
By this time,Trey has completely lost attention and is cleaning his nails, staring into space, etc.
All of the sediment in the Back Bay lies at the surface, barely covered by asphalt and brownstones. In fact my calculations of the Coulomb failure criterion indicate that any drilling would cause an unstable phase transition resulting in liquefaction of the entire region. Not only is there no oil beneath your, uh, their house but, should you … they drill, they are going to end life as we know it along Boston's Champs-Elysees.
So, my guess is that they don’t really have a problem because there isn’t any oil in your … their basement. I advise that they look again and don’t have anything to do with those oil executives.
Trey Yah, OK. Look, if I wanted a lecture on rocks I’d have gone Course 12. Thanks for nothing. Bye.
Hangs up phone
Perlick You know, guys, I think that a protest is the only way to face the faceless corporations of today.
Everyone continues to ignore Perlick
Trey While I was getting lectured on the phone I was thinking, and I believe the only way to confront the transnational megapetroconglomerates of today is to rally the people, and stage a protest.
Perlick Hey! That was my idea!
Crunchy Yeah! I know some members of EarthFirst! who'd love an excuse to U-lock themselves to pianos for the press coverage.
Lefty Good idea! Perlick, get on the phone and let's organize it
Perlick Hey guys, I said that. That was my idea guys, guys!
Perlick Please come to a protest tomorrow at 9am. They're drilling for oil in the basement! [Hangs up]
Crusher Huh? They're grilling with oil and a baster? It must be about the beef fat in the so-called vegetarian fries at McDonalds!" [turns] "Come to a protest tomorrow at 9am! Beef fat in fries at McDonalds!" [Hangs up]
Junta Huh? Keep taxes high for Arnold? No taxation without representation!" [dials] "Come to a protest tomorrow at 9am! Keep taxes high on celebrities!" [Hangs up]
Forrest What? We should take taxis to go and save the trees?" [turns] "Come to a protest tomorrow at 9am! We've got to save d'trees!" [Hangs up]
Marketa What was that? We've got to save Dmitry!" [turns] "Come to a protest tomorrow at 9am! The FBI jailed a Russian cryptographer." [Hangs up]
Crunchy What's that? Princess Di blackmailed by a Martian photographer? I'm on it right away." [turns] "Come to a protest tomorrow at 9am! Aliens have taken over the royal family." [Hangs up]
Chuck What's that? Chuck Vest is a festering pile of media-pandering spineless ooze that couldn't find his ass with both hands and a spatula if he was given a flashlight and the entire Mapquest website?” [turns] "Come to a protest tomorrow at 9am! Harvard employees deserve to eat!" [Hangs up]
Crusher Huh? The G-8 conference is about to meet?” [turns] Come to a protest tomorrow at 9am. Globalisation needs to cease! [Hangs up]
Jenna What? Drinking age to decrease? Excellent! I'm fed up with getting carded all the time. I'll be there!"
Doors Open, nobody on stage just yet. “Marketplace” theme plays under the speaker
Bird [from offstage] The Crock Opera is supported by listener contributions, our member stations, and SubStandard Oil – we go to great depths to bring you high quality petrochemical products[16]. From Diesel fuel to 8-track cartridges we make the products that make you smile
Ken & Slicky Step out. Slicky starts to gesticulate. Soothing music.
Ken I'm Ken Glomerate and I’m here to tell you the good news about SubStandard Oil’s petroleum jelly, for all your personal lubrication needs – because, some of us need more lubrication at certain times. There's a good reason you hear people talk about penetrating oil: time-tested petroleum jelly is the traditional, old-fashioned method of choice for discriminating couples. And threesomes. Accept no water-based imitations! SubStandard Petroleum jelly lasts longer, feels smoother, and soothes those pesky sores. What's more, it is the only product to receive the highly coveted Personal Lubrication Organization OK -- the PLOOK certification. [holds up the PLOOK certification]
Ken But the feature that truly sets SubStandard Oil’s petroleum jelly apart from other lubrication methods is this. It eliminates that anticlimactic post-tumescent moment: the removal of the condom. SubStandard Petroleum jelly takes care of that detail by dissolving latex even as it lubricates. With this exclusive self-removal feature, our patented postcoital evaporative technology, there's no more getting out of bed to discard the rubber. There's no tossing it out the car window. There's no evidence in the foam room. There's no evidence at all, not for nine months. So when you think prophylactic, think petroleum! SubStandard Petroleum Jelly - when you want to feel like there's nothing there.[17]
[After the ad, Derrick and Pete pop out from the sidelines.]
Derrick Wow! Where did we get such a terrific spokesprofessor?
Pete The tobacco industry.
Doors close
Protest noise offstage. Perlick, Lefty then Trey wake up to protest
Perlick [yawn] Hey, what’s all that racket?
Lefty Wow, who are all those people in front of the house? Do you think they are all freshmen?
Trey I hope not. If they are we’ll be sleeping on the mall for the rest of our lives.
Burt Let’s go check it out, some of them look pretty cute.
Chuck No Oil in the Deep Cave! Teps’ Wetlands Not Open For Public Drilling!
Lefty No Tep’s ever open for drilling. Stop your Skating! You should be talking to freshmen! What do you think you are doing?
Perlick [defensively] I’m picking up the bits of lint off of fourth landing, bit by bit, because I can’t find Kerby. Er.. I mean.. I’m saving TEP from the evil oil execs.
Crusher Where’s the beef? Not in my fries! Where’s the beef…
Everyone Mooooo.
Perlick Got Milk?
Marketa??? Geeks for Freedom! Use-way ee-pay ee-jay ee-pay.
[Does that breathing-in-and-laughing thing. You know.]
Lefty Oser-lay.
Chuck Harvard employees deserve more pay!
Cher [aside]
They have to put up with Harvard students.
Junta MIT students deserve more play.
Lefty Yeah, I’ve still never finished nethack.
Burt And I’m getting werewolf palms.
Bird All your Base are Belong to Us.
Trey [robotically] Take off every zig for great justice.
Perlick [robotically] Someone set up us the bomb, Dude.
Junta Save
the trees! Save the trees!
Christy??? No New Taxes! No New Taxes!
Crusher Your Ad here! Your Ad Here!
Marketa??? Hell No WTO!
[Jenna bumps into Perlick. Whirls around. Perlick has something that looks like a grape soder in his pants.]
Jenna [Looks at Perlick’s Crotch] That isn't a “Grape Soder” in your pocket, is it?
Perlick What? [looks down…blushing] Ah, no...
Jenna Oh! Then it’s a beer!?
Perlick [blushing more] Ah, no...
Jenna [Grabs for Perlick’s crotch, Raises eyebrows, smiles] You’re right, that isn’t a beer. Can I can get some?
Perlick Ah, no...not during Rush. [pause] [pause some more] But maybe after Rush?
Jenna Great.
Perlick In the meantime, would you like a sweet, refreshing, effervescent … grape soder?
[Jenna looks up at his face, looks down at waist level.]
Jenna [smirks] That sounds great. Where would you like to give it to me?
Perlick Don’t move, I’ll give it to you right now. It won’t take but a moment.
[Runs over to the fridge, gets one, hands it to her.]
Jenna What remarkable service. I like that in a man.
Perlick Would you like to see my grape soder can collection? I've got the special edition 1953 upside-down Nee-Hi 22 ounce purple glass bottle.
Jenna I would love to. [Leans in close]
[The protesters run between them, yelling and shouting, rioting, yelling anti-G8 slogans.]
[Perlick and Jenna shoved off stage on opposite sides by rioters.]
Perlick Jenna! Meet me in the foam room at 2:22!
Crunchy Wait, I didn’t know this was a G-8 protest! We better run!
Forrest Why?
Crunchy There’s going to be a G-8 Riot!
Forrest G-8 Riot?[18]
To The Tune of Zoot Suit Riot
By Cherry Poppin’ Daddies
All Who's that
whimpering on their knees
It's two undergrads and they just plead
Pipes and chains and swingin' hands
On the ground, punk! Ye--es Ma'am
Fat cat came to plan
Just to dominate the world
People came to stand
Till the tear gas smoked and whirled
All G 8 Riot
Throw broken bottles of beer
G 8 Riot
Wash the mace from your hippie hair
All A whipped up
crowd and a smoking gun
ducking rubber bullets is so much fun
Shoot me Copper in the face
Globalization's taking place
You got me in my spleen
Eiiiiiit , but I'll be on TV
Back Bay won't look clean
For getting rid of me
All G 8 Riot
Throw broken bottles of beer
G 8 Riot
Wash the mace from your hippie hair
Exeunt TEPs
Oil execs and Barbara
Derrick Here's the plan. Barbara, you lure your sister to our headquarters.
Barbara Check, I've got a sixpack of Coors Light.
Derrick Isn't Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter their spokesperson now?
Pete [muttering] She's not half so good as our Slicky.
Barbara That's right. She's part of the new ad campaign to make Coors palatable to the gay community.
Derrick What, because it tastes okay if you use a dental dam?
Pete Our lackies will hold Jenna prisoner in our offices while you take her place.
Derrick The oil tanker Condoleeza Rice is anchored in the Charles. Captain Hazelwood will be there this evening to perform the ceremony.
Barbara I'll get that TEP to the tanker on time, sir. [vamp "get me to then church on time"] I won't let you down. He won't know what kissed him.
Derrick Then you'll be perfectly placed to influence the TEPs. You can use your wiles on those innocent, sex-starved, barely pubescent pimple farms and they'll give us anything we wish. Or, at worst, you can leave the back door unlocked one morning and we can start drilling while they are in class.
Barbara Do they actually go to class?
Pete Whatever. It's a brilliant plan.
Barbara You had better get the drilling done pretty quickly.. it won't take him more than a few weeks to figure out the whole slot a, tab b business and I want to be well clear of him by then.
Perlick [offstage] Hey!
Derrick You may be certain that we'll move as quickly as we can. We'll be in and out before they know what happens.
Pete It will be a smooth operation.. just keep them under control until the oil is flowing.
Exeunt
TEPs repenetrate the stage
Perlick I have a date!
Forrest Congratulations!!!
Crunchy Mazel Tov!!!
Burt Next Year In Jerusalem!
Cher That’s Not Funny!
Burt Next Year In Jerusalem! Next Year In Jerusalem! Next Year In Jerusalem! There, now it’s funny!
Cher Call the scribe to record this historic event!
Trey Call National! They might give us an award!
Burt Who is she?
Lefty Have we met her?
Trey Does she have Huge tracts of land?
Burt It's not a Turing Machine is it?
Lefty Or a new Quake expansion pack?
Perlick No. No. No!! She’s is a lovely young woman I met at the protest. She was so cute, so adorable, so sweet... And she loves beer! I love beer. It's fate! You probably met her, she came by this morning and someone gave her a grape soda.
Cher That someone was you.
Trey No. Not Jenna Shrub!
Forrest That freak who wanted a beer?
Lefty I think I've seen her somewhere before...
Trey No! No! You can't go out with her.
Perlick You're just jealous.
Trey She's evil incarnate! She'll eat your soul!
Crunchy And she's a Republican!
Lefty You'll end up a rich corporate stooge in a mansion in Connecticut.
Burt Connecticut? Connecticut? Where did Connecticut come from?
Cher It's this little chunk of land, you know, between Massachusetts and New York, but that's beside the point.
Lefty That's the crock.
Trey But you can't date Jenna!
Perlick Why not? She's so sweet, and nice and likes beer.
Trey For God’s Sakes Man! She drinks Coors Light!
Perlick Well, that's how she was raised. You have to make allowances. We could help her. It could be, like, an intervention.
Lefty Intervention.. but.
Cher Shut Up.
Crunchy She's a Republican! Her father is the President!
Perlick But she's been on the cover of the Weekly World News. And I love her.
TEPs Nooo!
Perlick And I have a date in half an hour. Bye, bye.
[exit Perlick]
Trey We're doomed.
Burt We're destroyed.
Cher That poor, poor boy.
[they all look sad, Exeunt, Doors Close]
Barbara and Perlick
Barbara My darling, why do your brothers hate me so?
Perlick It seems they think you're in league with the oilmen.
Barbara [sighs] Oh no. I'm just an innocent young girl. They're manipulative... sleazy... experienced in corporate takeovers...why, they've got a dozen legislators in their pockets, not to mention the NABB and the BBAC! They're way out of my league.
Perlick [a little confused] I'm...glad to hear that?
Barbara You mean you doubted me? Don't you know me better than that by now? I have only your best interests at heart.
Perlick Of course I knew that all along, darling.
Barbara How tragic, how terrible, that your brothers mistrust me. Are we doomed forever to remain apart? Will the cruelty of our warring families drive us asunder?
Perlick Huh?
Barbara [warming to her theme] The course of true love never did run smooth. Your family and mine, cursing our love--
Perlick Your family doesn't like me?
Barbara They wouldn't like it if they knew. Look, we mustn't let them separate us. Quick. We must be married this afternoon.
Perlick What?
Barbara Once we're married, we'll be safe! [sees he isn't following] Like Romeo and Juliet!
Perlick I think I saw that movie once.
Barbara We'll be married in secret, and then none can deny us!
Perlick Don't they...die?
Barbara There's such a thing as taking it too far.
Perlick Well then.
Barbara So we'll just get married. This afternoon.
Perlick [looking incredibly panicky] Today?!?
Barbara Yes, today, sweetheart.
Perlick Isn't there paperwork or something that we need first? Blood tests, licenses, uh...someone to actually perform the wedding?
Barbara No problem. A captain of a ship can marry us. Even without paperwork!
Perlick Oh. But where do we find a captain?
Barbara I just happen to know the captain of a ship that is in port! Captain Hazelwood would be happy to perform the ceremony. He's an old friend of the family.
Perlick Well, then...then...
Barbara Wonderful! Oh, my darling, I knew you'd agree! (whips out a ring, ideally Cracker Jack style, and jams it on her own finger) Let's go.
Perlick Wait, I have to call TEP and tell them I'll miss this evening's Rush activities. (Light dawns) In fact, this could BE this evening’s rush activities!
Barbara Whatever. You can call them from my cell phone while I drive [looks at watch]– oh, damn! Traffic is going to suck now – we’d better take the T![19]
to the tune Y.M.C.A.
by The Villiage People
All Young
TEPs, There's no need to feel down,
You won't, need to walk in Beantown,
Young TEPs, You should head underground,
Where the air smells of bums' urine.
Young
TEPs, get where you want to go!
A token—not that much of your dough,
Of course, it's annoying and slow,
But its fas-ter than an au-to.
It's
fun to ride on the M-B-T-A!
It's fun to ride on the M-B-T-A!
Harvard
Square, you never know what you'll see,
Then go to Central Square, Buzzy’s is for me!
You
can, hang out on New-bur-y,
Make fun, of yuppies in Mer-ce-des,
Because, they did not take the T,
And there's no parking in Boston.
Young
TEPs, will you listen to me?
Do more, than work on your degree.
Don't sit, at TEP watching TV,
Go and see the world around you.
It's
fun to ride on the M-B-T-A!
It's fun to ride on the M-B-T-A!
You
can get on the Red line, and go to the Tute.
Get your tooling done, while you are en route!
Landsdowne,
you can dance real dirty,
Make sure, you leave at twelve-thirty!
Or have dough, for a checkered cabbie,
Or you'll be, walk-ing back to TEP.
Young
TEPs, you can go to Filene's,
Buy a, pair of tight leather jeans,
But don't you, scope out Boston's pre-teens[20]
The same way, that T-stop used to.
It's
fun to ride on the M-B-T-A!
It's fun to ride on the M-B-T-A!
Young
TEPs, young TEPs, there's no need to feel down.
Young TEPs, young TEPs, get yourself under ground!
M-B-T-A!
Perlick & Barbara enter arm-in-arm & looking lovey-dovey. TEPs also enter, looking disgruntled
Lefty I shouldn't be here. This is not in the Daily Confusion. I should be at the house. I could be doing a number of Very Important Things.[21] I could be running frantically up and down the stairs. Or banging my head repeatedly against the wall. What if the house burns down?
Burt Who cares? The frosh are here with us.
Lefty Were they all checked out on jaunts?
Burt Of course. Don't worry so much – Perlick checked them out!
Lefty What are you talking about? That's my job! My job is to worry! I wake up every morning from a nightmare...the ringing of the phone...the voice coming over the line, saying: "There's been a terrible accident, and all the freshmen are dead."
Trey Don't be such a wet blanket. This is a, um, a joyous occasion!
Burt This is a travesty, Besides, she’s only marrying Perlick for…um…
Lefty For his money?
Burt Don’t be silly. He’s got a double major in theatre and philosophy. He’s going to be in debt to MIT until 2022.
Lefty Then For his body?
Trey If you can call it that.
Lefty For his mind?
Cher Yeah, what’s left of it… Well, she’s a shrub. She’s got to have some ulterior motive.
Enter Freshmen
Forrest Whoah! Cool! We're on the Condoleeza Rice. I've never been on an oil tanker before!
Crunchy Are you kidding? My mom is on the board of Greenpeace! If she finds out I did this she'll kill me!
[Captain Hazelwood staggers out with a bottle in a brown bag, TEPs go off to the side(s), and Perlick & Barbara stand like they're getting married]
Captain Hazelwood We are here to celebrate the convenient matrimony of Perlick and uh, Jenna Shrub. If there are any objections, please speak now or forever hold your peace.
Burt I’m pregnant with the groom’s baby!
Captain Hazelwood Shut up.
Chuck Me me me! I just wanted to say something! Look at me! I was a child actor! [Sings] George Washington Bridge, George Washington Washington Bridge….[22]
[Beat Chuck into the ground with scripts.]
Captain Hazelwood Oh God. Anyone else?
[Awkward silence.]
Captain Hazelwood Fine. Perlick, do you take this woman to be your awful wedded wife, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, until death do you part?
Perlick [pauses. Barbara elbows him rather hard] Uh. I do.
Captain Hazelwood And, Bar--
[Barbara kicks him]
Captain Hazelwood Jenna, do you take this man to be your husband, in health, for richer, until Daddy does you part?
Barbara I do.
Captain Hazelwood By the power vested in me as Captain of this vessel, I now pronounce you wife and husband. You may now kiss the bride.
Perlick and Jenna draw together, at last moment
Perlick Stunt Double!
T-Stop runs over, He and Perlick high-five, then T-Stop locks lips with Jessie and dips her almost to the floor
Trey I would like to OFFER a toast to the couple. I’m HONOR'd to host this celebration on this glorious oil tanker, the CONDOLEEZER RICE. An oil tanker is very much like a marriage. This ship transports oil used in CONSUMER GOODS and LUBRICATOR SYSTEMS. Steering by the POLAR COORDINATES, it navigates the high seas. The VENTILATOR SHAFTS keep the air safe, and if there's any trouble, you can paddle to shore in the RUBBER DINGHIES. They're located in the UPPER BACK BAY. After the dancing there will be LIQUOR in the front and POKER in the rear.[23]
EVERYONE [Cheers]
begin to play Hava Nagilah. Perlick and Barbara hoisted up and spun around
Perlick [as he's being raised] Don't break my Palm Pilot!
In slow motion, each is carefully dumped on to a strategically located couch. Screams, splashing noises, water sprayed from water gun into audience.]
Trey, Forrest, Crunchy look out beyond the audience. This is a cinematic device to make it clear that the action is now happening beyond the fourth wall. Ok?. They should point a lot.
Cher Oh my goodness! They both just fell in the Charles! We often drop them, but not usually into large polluted bodies of water.
Burt Now they’ll both have to be quarantined for sixty days
Lefty I don't think it's mandatory any more. It's just recommended.
Forrest Oh my God, a monster just came out of the water and grabbed Jenna!
Cher Guess that marriage won’t be consummated!
Crunchy That’s not a monster, it’s an ichthyosaur. I thought they had been extinct since the late Triassic.
Forrest Dood! He’s all chewing her up and stuff. That’s totally gross.
Crunchy Look at its enormous sclerotic rings!
Forrest And his eyes are real big too.
Crunchy Explains that diet of dibranchiate cephalopodes, eh?
Trey But Perlick is swimming away to safety! Thank God he passed the swim test!
Forrest Where's that thing going with the rest of Jenna?
Burt The world may never know. I guess we don’t have to worry about the marriage now. Let's go rescue Perlick!
TEPs go backstage and return with a dry Perlick, then dumped water on him to make him wet
Perlick Thanks, everyone. Hey guys, where's Jenna?
Crunchy She was grabbed by an Ichthyosaur and taken out to sea.
Perlick [Drops to knees, pounds floor with fists, etc.] Nooooooooooooooooooo!
[TEPs and frosh re-enter. Perlick looks rejected, er, dejected.]
Perlick What shall I do? I have lost my beloved Jenna to an Ichthyosaur!
Chuck Don’t worry about it, Perlick, it could be much worse.
To the tune of “It’s all for the Best” From the Musical Godspell
Chuck When you feel dumb
and know you can't pass
your brain's gone numb
you've dropped your last class
your prof's berating, stating
there's no chance of graduating
physics you're cramming and
Newton your damning and
MIT's ramming your ass
your sex life ain't great
at best it is calm
your last hot date
was with your right palm
well don't forget that
though you think your
life's under a curse
Yes! It could be much worse...
Perlick you could be bit by
rabid fleas
lopped off at the knees
get a gross disease in your tummy
bumped upside the head
jumped on ‘till you’re dead
shot all full of lead by a dean
eat worms until you're sick
turtle-wax your dick
have a seat & stick where it's gummy
get slapped by a haddock
and stabbed through the spleen
you could have bunions on your feet
warts upon your seat
be the G.M. fleet crash-test dummy
get hit by a tree
get splenectomied
go and take a pee with Chuck Vest
get reamed by your landlord
and hung with a lamp cord
though terse, it could be much worse...
repeat both together
Yes! It could be much --
Perlick get carted off inside a hearse
Both Yes! It could be much --
Jess have to sing this unrehearsed
Both Yes! It could be much --
Both there could be
another verse!
Yes! It could be much worse!
Trey But we're still in the same ppredicament we were before! The oil execs are still going to be riding our asses thanks to the oil in the basement!
Lefty And we're still in the red - not to mention our tuition.
Forrest Couldn’t you somehow sell the oil yourselves?
Burt But how do we get at it without destroying the house?
Perlick But we destroy the house regularly!
Burt No, YOU destroy the house regularly. Remember the time that you decided to make a waterslide down the center stairwell?
Perlick But I tried to clean it up.
Burt You nearly killed Kirby!
Perlick How was I to know he isn't a wet/dry vac!
Trey Or the time you decided to paint the trim purple and gold?
Perlick But those are the TEP colors.
Trey [in a “hyper gay” style] No, they’re not, but that doesn't mean don’t they look good together.
Burt Don't forget the time you used a 22-Tesla electromagnet to remove the knives from the dining room ceiling?
Perlick I didn't expect the hanging couch to come down, too.
Cher HEY! None of this really matters, right now. We still can't profitably get to the oil in the basement.
Perlick But didn't the oil dudes offer us egregious amounts of money if we let THEM drill in the basement?
Crunchy Yeah, in that cool presentation they gave. I can't remember how many zeros were on that number, but it was really big. Not that that could compensate for the potential damage to the only eagle/owl timeshare…
Forrest Screw that - why don't you guys just take them up on their offer? As it stands now you have a house with a basement full of oil. If you sell out you still sort of have your house and you have a ton of money.
Perlick Yeah, if I can't have my Jenna, I guess a bunch of money could do.
Trey All those in favor of taking the oodles of money?
All Aye
Trey Those opposed?
sounds of crickets
Crunchy hey – guys? You’re not going to sell out, are you?
Trey Ok, motion passed. Let's go let the oil execs know so we can get that money into our high interest money market account.
Perlick Jenna! You’re Alive!!!
Jenna My darling! I've finally escaped from the hole where the oil executives were holding me prisoner all day!
Perlick What? Then whom did I just marry?
Jenna That must have been my evil twin sister, Barbara. You married the wrong shrub, you idiot! And why are you so wet?
Perlick During the chair dance we fell off the Condoleeza Rice into the Charles.
Jenna You got married on an oil tanker?
Perlick It was your … er … her idea! It was so that we could do it quickly. We were married by Captain Hazelwood, formerly of the Exxon Valdez.
Jenna But you idiot, Hazelwood lost his commission after he put a hole in his tanker. The marriage was invalid.
Perlick My darling! Then I can marry you!
Jenna My darling!
They draw together as if to kiss, Perlick yells for a stunt double, T-Stop comes out and replaces Jenna They draw together as if to kiss, Perlick yells again, this time Jessie swaps out Perlick and T-Stop and Jessie again lock lips on stage. Exhibitionists!
Oil men and TEPs enter. Oil men looking mighty pleased with themselves
Derrick I’m very excited that you intelligent young men have joined us as business partners in oil exploration. We give you our solemn word that our process will be non-invasive, environmentally conscious, wildlife-friendly, respectful of native traditions…
[pause]
all Not Yet!
Derrick …as we strip-mine, plunder, and rape your land.
Pete He meant, as we gently and cleanly recover the oil under the house. We’re looking forward to an extremely remunerative working relationship.
Burt A what?
Pete You’re going to be rich.
Derrick And if you don’t mind, we’d like to get started right away.
Pete As soon as Slicky comes back we can have the honorary presentation of the check.
[Enter Slicky]
Slicky grunt grunt
Derrick What’s that Slicky? There's been a horrible accident?
Lefty But they aren't even breathing hard!
[Derrick and Lefty look confused, look down at their scripts, look at one another's scripts, shrug.]
Derrick What the Fuuuuuuck?
Forrest MIT’s nuclear reactor melted down?
Crunchy The 22nd floor of the Green Building disappeared?
Lefty All our freshmen were run over by the JudComm rep?
Slicky grunt grunt (aggravated)
Pete What’s that?
Slicky grunt grunt
Pete What? We need to address allegations of corruption in the Fed in case they raise interest rates by the close of the month?
Slicky grunt
Derrick What do you mean there’s no oil at TEP?
Slicky grunt
Derrick You hit the grease trap by accident?
Slicky awrk awrk
Derrick What about our billions of barrels?
Pete What about my new Lamborghini?
Derrick What about my yacht extension?
Slicky [grunt grunt]
Derrick Oh, shut up about your oysters.
Pete Look. How much oil is there at TEP?
Slicky [Grunty-grunt-grunt.]
Pete There’s no more oil at Tep than if we dug down where?
Slicky Grunt.
Derrick Down in the cluster?
To The Tune Of "Down On The Corner"
by Creedence Bongwater Revival
All Early in the
morning, just about sun-up time
Over in the fishbowl, they're starting to go blind
Four kids pound the keyboard, tryin' to see the screen
Irving starts a game up, and crashes his machine
CHORUS Down in the cluster
Out with the geeks
Better toss one in the shower
To reduce that musky reek
All Quake is what
they're playing, down in building two
Twitchin' and a rockin,' leaking Mountain Dew
Irving blasts his nailgun, but the monster ducks
Demon fireballs his ass, and Irving yells out, FUCK!
CHORUS Down in the cluster
Out with the geeks
Better toss one in the shower
To reduce that musky reek
All As they're busy
playing, the rush chair charges in
He's been using zlocate to find out where they've been
Screams out in a panic
Lefty FRESHMEN COMING SOON!
All They say, They’re
Just Breathing Hard
rush chair's brain goes boom.
CHORUS Down in the cluster
Out with the geeks
Better toss one in the shower
To reduce that musky reek
[there is much rejoicing.]
Perlick Wait. So we don’t get all the money?
Cher Well, at least our wildlife refuge is saved!
Lefty All our problems are solved!
Trey No…one problem remains. Now that we're no longer rich frat boys...
[piano vamp]
Trey We have no way to pay our tuition.
[yadda yadda yadda]
All Yes!
TTTO "Tradition" … really
Chorus Tuition!
Tuition! Tuition!
Tuition! Tuition! Tuition!
Perlick When
I was young I peddled for a UROP
Tried to get work study, whored upon the Fenway
Try as I might I can't earn quite enough to
Satisfy the Institvte
Chorus The
student! The student! Tuition!
The student! The student! Tuition!
Jenn You
must learn to live on less and pay your bill
And steel your will to eat roadkill
Otherwise your credit will we surely kill
With penalties and threats of broken bones
wait for "extra" beats
Chorus The
bursar! The bursar! Tuition!
The bursar! The bursar! Tuition!
Bird Dear
Son: We got your bill today
But we're a little short
We 'd have to sell the summer home
And you're [pause pause] not worth it
Chorus The
parents! The parents! Tuition!
The parents! The parents! Tuition!
All So
now I'm on the street
Without my damned degree
And all I have to show is
This bill from M-I-T
Chorus Tuition!
Tuition! Tuition!
Tuition! Tuition! Tuition!
Exeunt Doors Close
As if the audience will want an encore!
TTTO Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Performed by Julie Andrews in Mary Poppins
Chorus Super-Hyper-Open-Apple-Meta-Exclamation
Even though describing it will cause humiliation
If you try to type it your hands suffer degradation
Super-Hyper-Open-Apple-Meta-Exclamation
Umdididility Umdilidi Umdididility Umdilidi
Jofish Macintosh
has some commands that sure as heck ain't terse
And if you type in Windows it could make a sailor curse
But I've discovered one command that blows them all away
The biggest line you'll ever find, and all you have to say
Chorus Is
Super-Hyper-Open-Apple-Meta-Exclamation
Even though describing it will cause humiliation
If you use it often you'll cure temporal gyration
Super-Hyper-Open-Apple-Meta-Exclamation
Umdididility Umdilidi Umdididility Umdilidi
Big Bird Once
I stayed up every night and tooled till two or three
Till I got each problem right and Dad was proud of me
But now my thesis writes itself and I don't do a thing
My grades are great, they're all top rate, and all I do is sing
Chorus Oh,
Super-Hyper-Open-Apple-Meta-Exclamation
Even though describing it will cause humiliation
You just have to type it once and then go on vacation
Big Bird Of course to undo it it's Shonam-axe-Atem-Elpa-Nepo-repyh-repus, but that's going a little to far don't you think?
Jofish Indubidably
Chorus Super-Hyper-Open-Apple-Meta-Exclamation!
Encore to the Encore:
to the tune of the Notre Dame Fight Song
All Beer,
Beer at old Tee Eee Phi
You bring the whiskey, I'll bring the rye
Send those freshmen out for gin
Don't let a sober sophomore in
We never stagger, we never fall
We sober up on straight ethanol
While three-quarters of us all
Lie drunk on the Geoffroom floor
If
there's drinking anywhere (anywhere)
You'll be sure that TEPs are there (TEPs are there)
If the party lasts 'till 1 or 2 or 3
Some brothers always there will be
While the newest freshmen all lie drunk in the chapter room.
The
party punch is 80 proof
Spike it, Spike it
We need all that alcohol
To keep us well preserved
While our loyal chancellor lies drunk in the kitchen sink.
Southern
Comfort or Jack Daniels
Either one I would employ
Two full jiggers add an ice cube
And I call it “Ode to Joy”
Our
parties are like Missile Defence
They say it’s true
‘Cause well before the evening’s over
We’ve missed our targets, too
While half of the brotherhood lies drunk in the chapter room.
Liquor
- along with beer and wine
Liquor - it makes us really shine
Liquor - that extra kicker
There is no more strife -- we feel life -- is fine
All We
never stagger, we never fall
We sober up on wood alcohol
while three-quarters of us all
Lie drunk on the Geoffroom floor