Eit Club

Dramatis Personae

Description Character Actor Scenes

Freshman 1 Ray Zerback Bob AGKNP

Freshman 2 Wayne N. Rome Jesse AGIKNP

CHANCELLOR Ty Rant U5 ACGKNP

RUSH CHAIR Sue Portgroup Christy ACDGKNP

DUMB TEP Lee Stan Kraken ACDFeGKNP

House Manager Bill Ding Droid ACGKNP

Crock Writer Chairman I

Random TEP Anne Gelface Jenn Long-Steele[1] ACKNP

Captain TEP Captain TEP D

Tour Guide, IC Ann. Xi Smiley Indie FeI

Interviewer,Reactor ann. Bob Morton DFeI

Eit Club Dude Brad Pitt Jofish A

Ironic Chef Batman Fe

Aluminium Chef JoFish Fe

Noise Bitch Noise Bitch Chuck ABCDFeGHJMOP

SexToy Sex Toy Big Bird ABDFeGHIJMP

Building Inspector Batman OP

MBTA Conductor Morton N

Sleazy Lawyer G. Morton Slimeball Morton Fe

Special Effector Sneaker D+ a few others

Properties

Scene A

· Doorbell

· Two bagels for eiting – one has to attach to the Rush Chairman’s hand so it can’t come off

· Grape Soder

· Popular Nucleonics Magazine

· Collar and floppy ears for Sex Toy

· Zip lock bag

Scene C

· Kirby and bag

Scene D

· Big maglite (Olympic Torch)

Scene Fe

· Two chef’s toques

· Assordid [sic] cooking paraphanalia

· Lottery ticket

· $22 bill

· can of SPAM

Scene H

· baseball cap for Sex Toy

· Limp Bizkit T-Shirt for Sex Toy (if we can find one)

Scene I

· Holy Bouncer (bouncer with glow stick and ln2??)

· Hearing protection (ear muffs, wads of q-tips?)

Scene M

· The Document!

Scene N

· Rat butts (“What makes them move? You Do!”)

Scene P

· Sex Toy’s leash

Music

ACT I

1. Crock Ng

2. Don’t You Eit Me

3. Bananas

4. I’d Like To Pee

5. Life Is A Hot Buffet

6. ~~Noise Bitch Is Eited~~ Punted because we didn’t practice enough

7. Our House Is A Reactor

8. Wretched Crock Writer

9. Nothin’ But Yuppies

10. Friday I’ve Got Plague

11. MBTA

12. Back In The Back Back Bay

13. Tuition

Encore

1. Super Hyper Open Apple Meta Exclamation

Overture

Doors open, everyone sings overture

Crock Ng

To the tune of Ana Ng

By They Might Be Giants

All Writing puns with a pen perpendicular,
To a sheet on a pad drinking Grape Soder,
Juxtaposing our words at random,
Wrote down some songs but we can't understand them.

All Our apartment is full of half drunk beers,
We've been using the same old jokes for years,
Thought of a plot, but we caught amnesia
Downed a few shots of Milk of Magnesia!

All This year's Crock is about to begin
And we still haven't thought of a plot,
Or a pun, or a song for singing.
Listen freshmen, hear our song,
It's a song you would think, we would sing,
If we'd had a crock for you.

All Had a plot with an aging Fred Astaire,
Boris Yeltsin and Elvis with no hair,
They met up with Ms. Rodham-Clinton,
Set up a love shack next to the Simpson's.

All We worked hard and created a brand new Crock,
All the songs were composed by J.S. Bach,
Got a call from Vaclev Havel,
Told him the plot and he said it was awful.

Sex Toy As I was walking once I thought I heard the Noise Bitch say

Noise Bitch I don’t want the world, I just want your house … gone

All So we knew on the spot that we had a plot,
Better than the last Leper crock or not,
And we pun like a broken record,
We can still pun like a broken record,
We can still pun until you go away,
And the truth is, you wouldn’t laugh anyway.

All This year's Crock is about to begin
And we just got a plot
And a joke, and an out-of-tune song for singing.

All Listen Freshmen, hear our song,
It's the song we will sing, cause we can't
write a better one for you...

Brothers remain inside the center room

ACT I

Scene A Welcome to Eit Club

Lee Stan There’s the doorbell <Points, but slightly downward>

Bill Ding Well, go put it on the door!

Lee Stan There’s the doorbell. <Pause, Loudly> I said, there’s the doorbell!

<Frosh walk on from stage right, then knock on wall>

Lee Stan I mean, there’s the knock at the door.

<Frosh ring bell>

Bill Ding Just go let them in.

Brad Pitt Gentlemen, welcome to Eit Club! You are here today because you are beginning to realize: You are not your SAT scores. You are not your Pre-IPO Stock Options. You are not your overclocked Celeron. You are not the collection of tools on your belt. You are not your fucking black BDUs. You are the all-hacking, all-slacking fust of the world!

Now, the first rule of Eit Club is you do not talk about Eit Club. The second rule of Eit Club is you do not talk about Eit Club. The third rule of Eit Club is you do not talk about Eit Club. The fourth rule of Eit Club is you never have to say you’re sorry. The fifth rule of Eit Club is no Eiting beverages or raisins. The sixth rule of Eit Club is there is no rule six. The seventh rule of Eit Club is the Eiting will go on as long as it has to. The last rule of Eit Club is if this is your first night at Eit Club, you have to Eit!

Ray Zerback But, what is Eit Club, sir?

Brad Pitt Good question, cadet! Space-Monkey Lee! Space-Monkey Sue! Let’s Eit!

Sue Portgroup Eit!

Brad Pitt You see, the necessary Eit! features a loosely held object, about waist-high, an open handed upward slam with enough force to propel the object under attack across the room, and the barbaric exclamation of Eit!, which is what makes the whole thing funny, rather than a tragically pathetic attempt to cover nerdly behaviors with testosterone-driven raucous slapstick.

Ty Rant The Humor value of eit has very deep roots in our primal consciousness, and each generation that learns to Eit inevitably at first rebels against, then joins with, the preceeding generations of Eiters. And besides, it’s a tradition.

Don't You Eit Me

To the tune of "Don't You Want Me"

by the Human League

OLD You were just a tooling freshman here at old Tee-Eee-Phi,
When I met you.
I woke you up, I flamed at you, I broke all your stuff,
I guess I acted kinda rude.
NOW it's two years later and you Eit me with grace,
It's all been too easy for you.
But don't forget it's me who put you there in your place,
And I know that I can still Eit you.

NEW Don't, don't you eit me
You know I don't believe you when you say the need's genetic.
Don't, don't you eit me
You know that I will kill you if my bagel goes kinetic.

OLD (I) know you think its crude
(But) it isn't really rude
As long as you say "Eit!" that makes it all so funny.

BOTH Don't you eit me, baby; don't you eit me, Ooh
Don't you eit me, baby; don't you eit me, Ooh

NEW I came to TEP with just a bit of naiveté,
That much is true.
But even then I knew I had to learn to strike back,
To keep on living here with you.
The two years that we've had you've taught me all that I know;
I learn'd from you.
But now I think I have to go and eit on my own,
I know its just what I must do.

OLD Don't, don't you eit me,
You think that you are funny but you're noxious, crude and brazen.
Don't, don't you eit me,
How could you be so stupid that you thought it was a raisin.

BOTH But that's all in the past,
We're gonna kick some ass,
Now that we're together...light the world on fire.
Don't you eit me, baby; don't you eit me, Ooh.
Don't you eit me, baby; don't you eit me, Ooh.

Ray Zerback I guess there’s been a mistake, then, we thought we were at TEP. We heard rumors of musical staircases, hanging sofas, closets full of foam, and a sub-basement nuclear reactor.

Wayne N. Rome Yeah, this sounds like an asylum for tone-deaf antisocial cretins who derive sadistic pleasure from violently depriving others of their hard-won, but nonetheless worthless, material goods.

Lee Stan We’re not all tone-deaf!

Sue Portgroup <pushing BP aside> Oh, we’re TEP all right! I’m Sue Portgroup, the Rush Chair. Damn Glad To Meet You! Have a grape soder!

Ty Rant I’m Tyler Rant, the chancellor, but you can call me Ty! Damn Glad To Meet You!

Bill Ding And I’m Bill Ding, the House Manager. Damn Glad To Meet You

Bananas

To the tune of Bonanza

All Welcome to TEP where we like to schlep Grape Soder
Welcome to TEP it's frosty and wet and it's caffeine-free!

Sue Portgroup What's your name?

Ty Rant Where you from?

Bill Ding What'd ya like to be?

All Welcome to TEP where the floors are swept Bimonthly
Welcome to TEP where the Crock's ineptly rhymed.

Bill Ding must stand next to Lee Stan and Ty Rant

Anne Gelface Say, has anyone ever seen Monthly?

Bill Ding No. I guess that explains why the floors are always so disgusting

Ty Rant I thought I saw him once but the light was shining so WEEKLY that I couldn’t be sure. When I asked around the next DAI, LY told me that he might have seen something, but it was probably just hallucinations from the food poisoning.

Sue Portgroup That’s HOUR LY all right. But we don’t have time for this jovial banter – the freshmen are coming!

Lee Stan <excitedly> No they’re not they’re just <visibly calms down>… already here.

Anne Gelface Oh, Lee, it looks like you almost had a Premature Interjection!

Bill Ding You know, you can take something for that.

Ray Zerback Hi, guys. I’m Ray Zerback from Decatur Illinois, home of Archer Daniels Midland, Supermarket to the world.

Wayne N. Rome And I’m Wayne N. Rome, from Lake Woebegone, where the women are strong, the men are good looking, and all of the children are above average.

Sue Portgroup Right. So, tell us about yourselves. Where are you from? Do you have any hobbies? Pets?

Bill Ding Sisters?

Ray Zerback Yeah, I’ve got a pet baboon back home, he’s a SUPER MANdrill! I’ve been studying him for a few years; it’s amazing how his diet directly affects the markings on his face.

Anne Gelface What does it look like after it eats a SPIDER? MAN, that must be disgusting!

Ray Zerback He doesn’t eat spiders anymore. I feed him more domestic fare since he’s been CAPTAIN AMERICA for the last few years. He seems to like it and is very well behaved.

Ty Rant He likes being CAPTAIN? MARVELous how he’s adapted to his life with humans!

Bill Ding I wonder if he could be CAPTAIN TEP without ROBIN everyone’s piece of mind?

Sue Portgroup Oh, I’m sure he’d STEEL our hearts.

Ray Zerback Indubitably. I’m interested in studying how the MIT diet will affect his markings. I’d wike to get wid of the BLACK WIDOW spots across his forehead. D’JUBILEEve his favorite food is APOLLO cream of wheat sprinkled with ANT MANdibles for protein?

Wayne N. Rome Hey, who’s that at the THOR?

Bill Ding Don’t worry, I’ll answer it in a FLASH!

Bill Ding What’s up MR? FANTASTIC! It’s the latest issue of my new Nuke E. MAG.

Lee Stan <Has to respond quickly> NETO! <Eits PopNucMag> Eit!

Ty Rant So, I’m thinking of giving this cool cute girl a large new CLOAK. It’s SCARLET, WITCH I’m sure will DAZZLER. It’s a LONG SHOT, but she might be able to wear it when she’s performing with that BANSHEEs in.

Anne Gelface Wow, that is a GIANT MANtle. Does she like red, or would she prefer an AQUA MANtle?

Bill Ding I think she’d rather have some IRON MANacles. You could PUNISHER, play DOCTOR, STRANGE stuff like that.

Lee Stan I WONDER…

Ty Rant <Has to respond quickly> WO, MAN!

Bill Ding If you’re lucky she’ll want you to be her WILD CATamite!

Ty Rant Oooh! I’ll be her ROGUE, her MANTHING. My HULKing CYCLOPS will SPAWN like QUICKSILVER

Bill Ding Right! And your NIGHTCRAWLER can STORM her WARPATH

Ty Rant My MAGMA will shoot like a GREEN ARROW to her SUNSPOT

Anne Gelface Green?

Ty Rant I washed my underwear with the Saint Patricks Day Parade Banner. Now my THING is GREEN! LANTERNs things strange colors.

Ty Rant I exSPECTRE to overlook my failings, and PROFESSOR X-uberent desire to comBAT MANic depressive disorders together.

Sue Portgroup What? Your INVISIBLE WOMAN anxieties won’t be solved by PUCKering up.

Ty Rant You’d be surprised what a nICE MANicure and a compliment like, “your BLACK PANTHER really thekthy!” will do to cheer her up!

Noise Bitch Are you still thinking about seX – MEN? Soon you’ll have nowhere to go but out to the alley and sit in the SHADOW, CATerwauling all night!

Bwa Ha Ha! Your late night “fume pits” are the first step in your downfall! How else could I get the hot, torturous, angst-laden “Air” for my potion?

Sex Toy Arf!

Sue Portgroup What just happened here? Do you know how she-who-must-not-named is plotting to destroy TEP this week?

Lee Stan Is she going to sink the house by ramming it with an iceburg?

Sue Portgroup No, she tried that two years ago

Bill Ding Maybe she’s going to send us to MIR and strand us there?

Sue Portgroup Been There. ‘97.

Wayne N. Rome Perhaps she’s going to have the Disney and Microsoft empires destroy TEP in their battle for world Domination?

Sue Portgroup Done That. 1995.

Anne Gelface I don’t care about all that - I can’t find my hampster[2], Snowninja

Ty Rant Do you think Snowninja’s disappearance has anything to do with she-who-must-not-named’s foul plot?

Sue Portgroup Of course! That was my suspicion!

All What?

Sue Portgroup Haven’t you noticed that all of the rodents in the house have disappeared? The pitter-patter of little feet is not to be heard under the Fuck-You fights in the stairwell. The garbage cans aren’t moving under their own power, and Sneaker’s Copper Pipe isn’t waving quite so high….

Sue Portgroup She must have worked the kinks out of the Great Zamboni’s famous avoidance spell.

Ray Zerback Which spell is that?

Sue Portgroup The one printed on the edges of the Get Out Of Conversation Free cards

Bill Ding <Slyly, to audience> She probably worked all the kinks right back into her dog, sex toy, with her inhuman powers of transfurrence.

Ty Rant But what in Honig’s name could her nefarious plan be? We never try to converse with her! And judging from all of the noise complaints, she doesn’t at all appear to be affected by the Avoidance spell!

Anne Gelface Well, there’s no question that she wanted to kick us out of the house ever since Belew mistook her cat for a ‘possum and made that stew which we brought to the NABB picnic.

Sue Portgroup Yeah, it was too bad she found the collar in her bowl.

Bill Ding I suppose that by strengthening the avoidance spell enough, she could use it to cause all of the brothers to avoid 253 Commonwealth Ave like … like … like The Plague

Anne Gelface Whatever. I’ll bet she’s just practicing with the rats, mice, and <sniff>, hampsters – And we may be next! It's anyone's guess what she plans to do with the house when her plan comes to fruition.

Wayne N. Rome So who is this “She-who-must-not-be-named” anyways?

Ty Rant Young Grasshopper, you have much to learn

Bill Ding Once upon a time back when TEPs were young, innocent, and wearing horn-rimmed glasses, an evil woman moved into the brownstone next door. A shadow was cast upon the land! The Good TEP Boys were set upon by Wolves, SUVs, and Lawyers from the BBAC. Soon TEPs were forced to quell their jolly games of nude-chess on the roof. Nights of “Queen taking Bishop” became only melancholy memories. But they persevered and for every fun activity that the TEPs were enjoined from pursuing, they found two more.

Anne Gelface As the years went by, She Who Must Not Be Named became more and more frustrated. One particularly enterprising young lad named Irving Q. Mojo had developed, in his optics lab, a very fine mirror spell which allowed all of the TEPs’ sexual frustrations to be reflected into She Who Must Not Be Named’s brownstone – focused directly on her dog Sex Toy’s favorite napping and ball-licking spot.

Ty Rant He was quite the optician.

Sue Portgroup Not to mention, magician.

Anne Gelface But not such a good technician. Unfortunatly Irving used a half-silvered mirror and the sexual frustrations weren’t completely transmitted, so the tensions have all been bouncing back and forth in a horrendous feedback path ever since.

Ty Rant Over the years She Who Must Not Be Named has tried many times to banish the TEPs from their house. So far she has been unsuccessful, but her attempts are becoming more desperate each year.

Ray Zerback So she’s trying to remove the brothers from the Back Bay so she can have her way with the house?

Sue Portgroup Yes, and her little dog, too! They have been simmering away, plotting our downfall for what feels like forever.

Wayne N. Rome What does the Great Zamboni’s Avoidance Spell have to do with all of this?

Ty Rant It is a spell to enable all sorts of avoidance. We brew it by throwing a couple of paint chips from the Angst wall into a bouncer with some liquid nitrogen and then lazeing it into oblivion, but that recipe was developed empirically and barely allows us to avoid tooling and our work assignments. But it is strong enough that we’ve avoided working out how to refine it

Anne Gelface We’ve found that when it is applied to small objects it causes them to be Sent Away, and that must be her plan – to make the spell more powerful, then use it to banish the TEPs forever!

Bill Ding <To audience> Who knows what a woman driven by the amplified sexual tension of 30 young men and one dog can achieve? Who knows what twisted leaps of brilliant alchemy writhe in her overheated grey matter?

Anne Gelface Well, let’s see. If we start with bits of Angst Wall, Liquid Nitrogen and Coherent Light Energy, what might a stronger potion require? And how does a bag of “hot, torturous, angst-laden ‘Air’” fit in?

Ty Rant I dunno, and I don’t want to think about it. What’s next on the schedule?

Sue Portgroup Hmm, looks like it’s almost time for Captain TEP to be run over with the Olympic Torch! We’d better get the funnelator assembled and fill the balloons with Jello™ and Oobleck.

Exeunt

Scene B The Plan of She Who Must Not Be Named

Noise Bitch Oh my precious! After twenty-two years of experimenting deep in the bowels of 251 Commonwealth Ave, sweating over lab benches, bending over bubbling cauldrins of musky oils, I have changed the simplistic stew that was the late Zamboni’s Avoidence Spell into a powerful incantation strong enough to banish every TEP boy from next door to somewhere Far, Far away!

Sex Toy Arf.

Noise Bitch I have here the original trifle on this card given to me by a rather tasty chancellor back in ’93. Poor boy, I fear the scar will be permenant. Anyway, Angst wall, Liquid Nitrogen, and a laser – Pishaw! I have reduced these objects to their primal essance: Earth, Air and Fire! And to harness even more of the universe’s primitive power, I will add the fourth element! Wet, Wild, Wonderful Water. And the final refinement is that each of these elements must be imbued with the essence of the very cretins I mean to enchant.

Sex Toy Arf.

Noise Bitch Just these four elements – they are all we need, and we already have the Air! Don’t you just pant with the anticipation of your own private garden where you can wander unmolested by those horrible stray cats, dogs, and rats of the Greater Boston Area? Where you can lift your leg in peace! Where we can … frolic … until we both collapse in happy exhaustion?

Sex Toy Arf. I mean, Yes mistress. In fact I’m so happy I’d like to sing about it…

I’d Like To Pee

To the tune of Octopus’s Garden

By The Beatles

Sex Toy I’d like to pee under a tree
At the place where T-E-P was in the shade
I’ll take a dump—big steaming lump
At the place where T-E-P’s could not get laid
No public fire hydrants for me
No more performance anxiety

All I’d like to pee under a tree
At the place where T-E-P was in the shade

Sex Toy They’ll whinge and shout; we’ll cast them out
From their rancid fetid brownstone on Comm Ave

Chorus fetid brownstone on Comm Ave

Sex Toy Oh a what a shriek from every nerd and geek
Worse than Robert Downey in rehab

Chorus Robert Downey in rehab

Sex Toy We won’t hear them from the void
Those damn collegiate hemorrhoids

All I’d like to pee under a tree
At the place where T-E-P was in the shade

Sex Toy Tear brick from brick; don’t leave a stick
Nothing but the birch tree will remain

All Just the birch tree will remain

Sex Toy No noise disturbs; my prowess is uncurbed
Of my performance you will not complain

All Have no reason to complain

Sex Toy We will sing and celebrate
You’ll have no need to… well you know . . .

All I’d like to pee under a tree
At the place where T-E-P was with you
At the place where T-E-P got the big screw
At the place where T-E-P was with you

Noise Bitch That was absolutely brilliant, darling! You just help mummy collect the next three elements and I’ll let you bury your bone tonight!

Sex Toy <Big Grin> Arf!

Act II

Scene C She Who Must Not Be Named Gets The Dirt

<Kirby is sitting in center of stage, looking sad, alone, and unloved. Noise Bitch sneaks onstage and steals his scrotum[3]>

Noise Bitch Those silly TEPs have left their vacuum cleaner unguarded. I can steal the dirt from its bag and have the earth component of my potion. I am now halfway to my goal. The TEPs are doomed!

<Noise Bitch exits. Lee Stan enters>

Lee Stan I think I’ll vacuum the front room. It was my first work assignment when I was a freshman, so I should get to it before I graduate. Hey, the vacuum bag is missing. <Shouts> Has anyone seen Kirby’s bag?

Anne Gelface Hey, Bill, weren’t you just using Kirby last month?

Bill Ding Yes, but I was only using the massage attachment. It’s so relaxing, and it keeps my face and muscles smooth. Then Sue took it.

Sue Portgroup I was using the sewing machine attachment to make a blimp, then I gave it to Ty.

Ty Rant I had Kirby underneath the bike room, but only to use the backhoe attachment to aerate the albino plant’s soil.

Anne Gelface Then I used Kirby when we got the LASIK laser eye surgery kit. Now I can spot a spec of dirt anywhere I like. And at TEP.

Ty Rant I was able to combine that with the bandsaw attachment to perform a radical splenectomy on myself.

Bill Ding Was that before or after I had it attached to the rotorooter? <looks concerned>

Ty Rant Uh, Oh.

Sue Portgroup I’ve been thinking we could get on She Who Must Not Be Named’s good side by using the dog wash attachment.

Anne Gelface <exasperated> Has anyone ever used Kirby to vacuum?

<Silence. Everyone shakes head>

Bill Ding Um. Ah. I did. Once. In 1995. Second Back Landing. The Angst Wall was flaking so badly I needed snowshows to get into 24. I tried brooms, shovels, and even a snowplow mounted to my scooter, but none of them could handle that pile of concentrated angst-laden dirt. But Kirby sucked it all up with no difficulty.

Ty Rant Oh, dear! That Kirby bag full of concentrated angst-laden dirt must be the second ingredient She Who Must Not Be Named needs for her potion!

Bill Ding And she could have taken the dirt bag anytime since 1995, and we wouldn’t have noticed!.

Anne Gelface That dirtbag!

Ty Rant So now she has a bag of air and a pile of dirt. We’ll just have to prevent her from getting the other ingredients of her potion.

Scene D TEPOlympics

Sue Portgroup As you know, the Olympic torch is being carried around the globe to Sydney, where it will be used to finally burn down that hideous Opera House. <TEPs cheer> And the runner for this relay is our very own Captain TEP! <TEPs cheer even more> Here he comes!

Lee Stan No he’s just … I do have control, I do, I do!<says alphabet backwards>

<Captain TEP jogs through with the torch>

Noise Bitch My Luscious Lap dog! <Sex Toy makes suggestive licking motions with his tongue> You have stolen their fire. One more ingredient and victory will be mine! I am the anti-Proto-Meatus.

<Noise Bitch & Sex Toy exit with the torch.>

Lee Stan Well, at least she doesn’t have everything she needs for her potion.

<Bob, the sports interviewer enters.>

Bob: How do you feel about pathetically losing the Olympic torch?

Captain TEP: Well, it was a disappointment, certainly. I had prepared long and hard for this, but She Who Must Not Be Named beat me fair and square. I’ll keep training hard and do better next year.

Bob: The Olympics aren’t held next year.

Captain TEP: Fuck!

Exeunt

Scene Fe The Ironic Chef[4]

Bob the Announcer Welcome to today’s edition of Ironic Chef, the cooking competition show where we separate the men from the boys and the curds from the whey. And now, everybody’s favorite game show host, Xi Smiley…

Xi Smiley Hi everyone! I’m Xi Smiley! You might remember me from other wildly popular game shows such as TEPardy, The Eit is Right, and You Bet Your Spleen! And have we got a spectacular show for you today, for our defending champion is none other than the formidable Ironic Chef!

Xi Smiley Today is a special day for the Ironic Chef! It’s his 98^th birthday. <Audience claps> As a gift, accept this lottery ticket on behalf of the show. <presents half lottery ticket>
Today’s challenger is the Aluminium Chef.

Aluminium Chef Cheerio, lads.

Xi Smiley The ingredient which you will both have to use in each dish of a four course meal is … grape soder! <Audience goes oooh. Then he talks to I.C> What is your reaction to the ingredient?

Xi Smiley Tsk, Tsk. I guess he doesn’t like it very much. <to Aluminium Chef> How do you feel about cooking with grape soder?

Aluminium Chef Great! After all, it comes in aluminium cans, what?

Xi Smiley But what about the fact that it contains no natural ingredients, only chemicals?

Aluminium Chef But without chemicals, life would be impossible, what? <cheerily>

Xi Smiley <discombublated> Well, then. Off you both go. Good luck.

Aluminium Chef And don’t put all your eggs in one basket, ha ha.

Xi Smiley Let’s listen in while our chefs are working on their … creations.

Life is a Hot Buffet

TTTO Life is a Cabaret

From the musical Cabaret

Aluminium Chef What good is tooling alone in your room?
Just eat your cares away
Life is a hot buffet, old chum
Life is a hot buffet.

Pick up some bubble, some squeak and your spoon
Banger and mash away. (Lee Stan: “Banger and mash?”)
Life is a hot buffet, old chum
Life is a hot buffet.

We’ll boil the peas, and bake the tripe
Come taste the stew, start salivating
Right this way, your table’s waiting

No use omitting a single mushroom
From your Welch grape flambé
Life is a hot buffet, old chum
Life is a hot buffet

Xi Smiley Wasn’t that … nice. Our chefs have finished their preparations and the nice gentlemen from the Boston Fire Department have returned to their firehouse with only minimal casualties. The Chefs will now describe the dishes they made. Ironic Chef, what did you prepare as an appetizer?

Ironic Chef I prepared bite sized Velvet Elvises deep fried in grape soder and garnished with SPAM.

Xi Smiley Sounds delecious! And how did you select that recipe?

Ironic Chef Well, I wanted to make deviled eggs, but I tipped the basket and broke them all.

Aluminium Chef You just didn’t take that good advice I gave you.

Ironic Chef Who would’ve thought? It figures.

Xi Smiley Aluminium Chef, what did you make?

Aluminium Chef I made a nice cornbread, topped with Marshmallow Fluff, what?

Xi Smiley But that doesn’t contain any grape soder!

Aluminium Chef I substituted it for the baking soder, what?

Xi Smiley Clever. And very, uh, dense. How about the fruit course?

Aluminium Chef I will serve a delightful fruit salad: Grape soder, cherry soder, lymon™ soder, and ginger beer for a bit of spice.

Xi Smiley How fruity!

Aluminium Chef Why, thank you. <Flutters eyelashes>

Xi Smiley <To I.C> And you?

Ironic Chef I call it Love Canal Ratatouie. Its primary ingredient is tomatoes from upstate New York stewed in grape soder and spread over SPAM. A wonderful combination of flavors that meld in your mouth, stomach, and lymph nodes, and will soon be available in finer restaurants everywhere, pending USDA, FDA, and EPA approvals.

Xi Smiley I can hardly wait. Let’s move on to the main course.

Aluminium Chef First, I recommend grape soder sorbet as a palate cleanser.

Ironic Chef Actaually, it’s more like power washing.

Aluminium Chef Then, my entree is filet mignon au grape soder jus. Best of all, the grape soder delicately tenderizes the meat while the carbonation gently enhances the natural juices!

Xi Smiley Right. How about our defending chef?

Ironic Chef This is chicken cordon purple, a delightful baked chicken stuffed with SPAM and cheezwhiz, and deglazed with grape soder. This worked better than my first attempt, grape soder shake and bake chicken, which exploded.

Xi Smiley ‘ave you got anything that doesn’t have any SPAM in it?

Ironic Chef For dessert I present a grape soder trifle: layers of sponge cake soaked in Manischewitz, powdered grape soder, and whipped cream, served in…

Xi Smiley What? No SPAM?

Ironic Chef Ahem. Served in a SPAM tin.

Xi Smiley I can hardly wait to try it, so long as I have a stomach pump handy. Now, with his last Grape Soder dish is Aluminium Chef.

Aluminium Chef For dessert I have prepared a Grape Soder flambe.

Xi Smiley But Grape Soder doesn’t burn

Aluminium Chef It does if you get it hot enough. The flavours meld into a wonderful cohesive combination!

Xi Smiley <makes a face> More like Adhesive Abomination if you ask me. And now it’s time to announce our winner, but first, a word from our sponsor

enter Morton

Morton Are you tired of dealing with lawyers who don't know dick? Have you been represented by legal counsel that can't tell harassment from a hole in the ground? Our firm handles any individual with tangible assets and/or attractive physical attributes. If you've been injured in an accident - even if it was your own damn fault, we can still get money for your injuries! Whether you've been injured on the job, suffered wrongful death or unsightly disfigurement, or become the target of a political witch-hunt, we can help you while enriching ourselves. But, I think one of our clients can tell you the best reason to call Morton and Associates:

Lee Stan G. Morton Slimeball Got me Cash <snaps a $22> for my injury!

Call 1 (800) (K)NO(W)-DICK

Morton and Associates, because

"Morton Knows Dick about Law!"

Xi Smiley We’re back, and the winner is: Aluminium Chef! <applause. Ironic Chef hides head in hands>

Ironic Chef I have let down my fans and myself. I was not well prepared. I very rarely cook with Grape Soder.

<Noise Bitch enters at side of stage>

Xi Smiley That’s a shame, but you can’t really blame anyone besides yourself. It would help if you could get over your SPAM problem

Ironic Chef <hysterically> What SPAM problem? I don’t have a SPAM problem! I’ve got everything under control! I only use SPAM when I’m cooking socially…

Xi Smiley OK, OK, I’m sure you’re just fine.

Xi Smiley <To Aluminium Chef> To what do you impute your success?

Aluminium Chef It’s the aluminium corroded off the cans into the soder. <Doddering & Clueless>

Xi Smiley How do you expect to spend your prize winnings?

Aluminium Chef It’s the aluminium corroded off the cans into the soder. <Doddering, clueless, repetitive>

Xi Smiley Well, here is your prize: a can of Grape Soder.

Aluminium Chef It’s the aluminium corroded off the cans into the soder. <Doddering, clueless, repetitive>

Xi Smiley I think he’s been ingesting too much of that aluminium. But why are you called the Ironic Chef when not a thing you’ve said or done was in the least bit ironc?

Ironic Chef <Ironic Chef hides can of SPAM behind his back> Is that not itself enough of an irony to earn me the title?

Xi Smiley Perhaps, but you, who were once the best chef between Fairfield and Gloucester just lost a cooking contest to an alzheimer afflicted Englishman. Wouldn’t you call that ironic?

Ironic Chef I am so ashamed! I’ll get back at him for stealing my honor! … Eit!

Noise Bitch Bwahaha. Now I have the final ingredient I need. From a purity-of-essence perspective it should, of course, be distilled water or pure grain alcohol, but those TEPs don’t use water, flouridated or otherwise. <thoughtfully> I guess that partially explains the state of their kitchens. But they drink Grape Soder like water, and it is imbued with their primal essence, so it shall serve the purpose even better than water! Bwahaha.

Scene G

Sue Portgroup We’re Doomed! She Who Must Not Be Named has all the elements she needs for her potion!

<Anguish, groaning, teeth gnashing, etc. Except for Ty Rant>

Ty Rant Hey, guys, cheer up! We have nothing to worry about!

Bill Ding What do you mean we have nothing to worry about? Noise Bitch has the elements she needs to make an avoidance spell so strong that it will have a cataclysmic effect on us all!

Ty Rant Yes, but those same powerful elements are so strongly mutually repulsive …

Bill Ding Well, they all did come from TEP!

Ty Rant … they are so strongly repulsive that she has no vessel strong enough to contain them all in close proximity! Not her her yuppy calphalon kettle, or her classic cast-iron cauldron, or even her treasured talismanic tureen! Nothing! Once again, we have vanquished Noise Bitch

Sue Portgroup How many times do we have to ask you to not say the name of She Who Must Not Be Named?

Ty Rant Oh, don’t be silly. You only increase her hold on you when you fear to pronounce her true name, and we certainly can’t be harmed now that Noise Bitch Is Eited!

Noise Bitch Is Eited

To the tune of “We Like To Party”

Performed by The Venga Boys

All Noise Bitch is Eited
Noise Bitch is Eited, Noise Bitch is Eited

We’ve got a reason to party
We’ve got news for you
No-oise Bitch’s plan is Eited
And all TEPs’ dreams are coming true

Hey Now, Hey Now
Hear what we say now
Happiness is just around the corner
Hey now, hey now
Hear what we say now
Her plans won’t come true

Now start the music turnin’
The party will be burnin’
Noise Bitch’s plan is spoiled
We’ve really got her foiled
She gathered up all her stuff
But now she is in a huff
She has a wimpy tureen
And now she’ll tear out her spleen [JD1]

Sue Portgroup I’m not convinced - I’ll bet a Bouncer™ is strong enough to hold the Bitch’s Brew – they can hold anything!

Bill Ding No, not even a Bouncer™ is that strong – remember they could barely hold the original avoidence spell. I’m afraid a Bouncer™ definitly could not contain She Who Must … Noise Bitch’s potion. At least not a normal Bouncer™.

Wayne N. Rome What do you mean by that? Is there some kind of Bouncer™ that is strong enough?

Bill Ding Yes, The Most Sacred Bouncer. It is the primary containment vessel for the core of our 22 TEP-o-Watt nuclear reactor. It is probably the only vessel in existance that can hold the ingredients of her potion.

Lee Stan It’s a good thing we have it and she doesn’t! <to Noise Bitch> Nyah!

Ray Zerback Can we see The Most Holy Bouncer™?

Sue Portgroup Of course! There’s a tour of the reactor room leaving soon – be back here in a couple of minutes

Scene H

Noise Bitch Oh my pulchritudinous pooch! Did you hear what those terrible TEPs said? We can’t mix our powerful potion unless we have their Most Holy Bouncer. But there is no way they will let me get near enough to nab it, so you’ll have to fetch it for me.

Sex Toy Arf?

Noise Bitch Yes, now!

Noise Bitch Oh, you little dickens, I said Fetch, not Felch! That will have to wait for later. Here’s a disguise – tag along on their tour and take their bouncer when you get a chance.

Sex Toy Arf.

Noise Bitch You’re such a good little poochums – when you bring back the bouncer mummy will have a very special surprise for you!

Sex Toy Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf!

Scene I The Reactor Room

< TEPs come back onstage with Xi Smiley. TEPs all have hearing protection in hands. Sex Toy sort of fades to one side>

Xi Smiley <wearing hearing protection and talking very loudly> Hi I’m Xi Smiley! Hi I’m Xi Smiley! You might remember be from such well-known tours as Brickhenge: The Mystery Revealed, A Bushwhacker’s Guide to Hunting Babes in the Foam Room, A Walking Tour of N’Djemena’s N-Dimensional Hyper Anus. Now, please just follow me and please don’t touch anything or feed the animals.

Wayne N. Rome Animals? You keep animals in your reactor room?

Xi Smiley Eh? You’ll have to speak up, sonny!

Wayne N. Rome <Louder> You keep animals in your reactor room?

Xi Smiley <Mishearing> No, Arnold’s plot involved a white room. That was in 1991.

Wayne N. Rome <Louder still> I asked, Do you keep animals in your reactor room?

Xi Smiley Oh, well there’s really only one, and we think of him as an animal ‘cause he certainly ain’t human anymore – he is a failed Crock writer. He wrote jokes so bad, puns so vile, songs so wretched that even the other crock writers would run from the room screaming, so now we keep him with the other toxic waste. Before we go in y’all have to put your earmuffs on so you don’t sustain permenant damage to your brains. <looks at Lee Stan, sighs> Too late.

Everyone puts on earmuffs and walks around a litle, pointing like tourists at Hoover Damn

Xi Smiley TEP’s nuke-yoo-ler reactor went online in 1989. It was made with materials that were recycled from Three Mile Island, and it was the thesis project of Scott Howard, who then “saw the light,” or at least the Chernenko radiation, ha ha, and he gave up engineering to become a lawyer specializing in litigating radiation-exposure cases. The design of the 22 Tep-o-Watt reactor is unique – the core is housed in a transparent polycarbonite containment vessel that was specially tempered for 22 days in the ooze at the bottom of the Charles River. If the containment vessel were to be removed, we would all be bathed in enough radiation to cause all manner of unspeakable mutations.

Xi Smiley But perhaps the most intersting part of the design is that the rest of the building is also part of the reactor – the six-brick-thick sidewalls are integral parts of the system that focusses the Angst-Energy on the core. You might even say that the whole house is a reactor!

Our House Is A Reactor

TTTO The Addams Family

All Our house is a reactor
Where safety’s not a factor
And everybody’s cracked here
Our house is T-E-P

Chorus 253 [snap] [snap]
253 [snap] [snap]
253, 253, 253 [snap] [snap]

All Control rods they are all out
The fire escapes we crawl out
And then there is the fallout
Inside of T-E-P

Chorus 253 [snap] [snap]
253 [snap] [snap]
253, 253, 253 [snap] [snap]

All Our house is gonna blow now
We’re gonna start to glow now
I think we’d better go now
Remember T-E-P

Xi Smiley Over here is the failed Crock Writer. His jokes are so old and decrepit that they cause physical pain if you hear them. If you hear several of them them in a row you might have a siezure, so make sure you keep your hearing protection in place!

Wretched Crock Writer

To the tune of “Paperback Writer”

Performed by The Beatles

All Dear Sir or Madam, won't you hear my crock?
It took an hour to write, and it's awful schlock
Based on a joke from the crock last year
I'm a druling grad
So I want to be a wretched crock writer
Wretched crock writer

It's the dirty story of a dirty TEP
Failed at finding love on the internet
And now he's working at the Media Lab
He makes useless demos
But he wants to be a thankless crock writer
Thankless crock writer

It's a thousand puns, give or take a few
I'll be crocking later in a drink or two
I can make it longer if you hold your lunch
Now it almost rhymes
And I want to be a drunken crock writer
Drunken crock writer

Chairman Hey, little boy, want to hear something funny?

Xi Smiley Back here we keep the vintage fryolator oil – over here are the 90’s, and there are the 80’s; you can see the color change when the brothers started cooking for themselves. Over there in the polyester bottles are the late 70s vintages. We don’t have any of the ’71 vintage; it was confiscated by the commonwealth, and everything before that year somehow tastes different.

Chairman What do you get when you mix Vodka with Milk of Magnesia?

Xi Smiley Last, but most certainly not least, here is TEPs collection of 22 million used Elvis stamps! OK, no pushing or shoving.

Chairman A Philips Screwdriver! <Cackles maniacaly>

Chairman Hey, little boy, the freshmen are coming!

Chairman Oh no, they’re just breathing hard! <Falls over laughing>

Bob ATTENTION! EMERGENCY! THE MOST HOLY BOUNCER™ HAS BEEN REMOVED FROM THE CORE! THE REACTOR ROOM IS NOW BEING FLOODED WITH ENOUGH RADIATION TO CAUSE ALL MANNER OF UNSPEAKABLE MUTATIONS! DANGER WILL ROBINSON, DANGER, DANGER!

Xi Smiley <A little concerned and rather quickly> well, ah, that about wraps up the tour. I would rather strongly suggest that you follow me out as quickly as possible and run upwind!

TEPS and Xi quickly get off stage

Scene J The Bitch’s Brew

Noise Bitch & Sex Toy reenter

Noise Bitch Thrice the Safe Ride Wagon has appear’d
Thrice and once the car ‘larms have blared
Barkeep cries “Last call, Last Call”
The witching hour begins to crawl

Sex Toy Arf.

Noise Bitch Round about the Bouncer go
In the Grapened Soder throw
Air that Angst-filled souls did gasp
Till no more puns their throats could rasp

Stubble Stubble, chins in trouble
Soon to find your house in rubble

Earth reaped from ‘neath the Angsty Wall
On which they ranted o’er their blowup dolls
Eternal flames we’ll wave about
To bind this charm yet free of grout

Double bubble, toilet trouble
Little bladders no more befuddled

The time has come to cast TEP out
The Void will greet their screams and shouts
The wrecking ball will surely fly
And smite this den of Chapter Xi

Bwahaha!

Sex Toy Arf!

Act III

Scene K The Void Continued

Ray Zerback Where are we?

Anne Gelface We seem to be in another part of the world.

Bill Ding This is not my beautiful brownstone house

Ty Rant This is not my beautiful girlfriend.

Sue Portgroup What are you thinking? You're a TEP and she’s your 6.004 T.A.

Ty Rant Hey, I found a sock! Wait – there’s a whole pile of them here and none of them match

Wayne N. Rome And more keep appearing! Yuck!

Anne Gelface Look, a metric buttload of pens, pen caps, and paper clips!

Bill Ding Hey, that’s my virginity in that rather small pile. There’s Varmint’s and Bubbles’ and Ronko’s, but I don’t see Omri’s

Sue Portgroup Doesn't that look like Unit Five's tan suede shoes, and an empty Sega Dreamcast box?

Bill Ding These are all things that we’ve lost in the past! Now we’re lost, too!

Wayne N. Rome If you think that's scary, I just saw a couple of clothes hangars riding the rod. They're dropping pants all over the place and barebacking it. Then their spawn are just disappearing!

Bill Ding That clinches it - we've been cast to void!

Lee Stan No wonder I don't feel like returning anything.

Ty Rant Somehow Noise Bitch obtained the bouncer, cast the spell, and sent us to oblivion.

Sue Portgroup I should have known something was up. There were three freshmen in the reactor room, but only two before that

Anne Gelface The other one must have opened up the reactor core and removed the bouncer.

Lee Stan Maybe it was Mr. Spock.

Scene M Doggie Style

Noise Bitch & Sex Toy come onstage.

Noise Bitch We’ve done it! My precious! Now that the TEPs are locked in the Void and I’ve wiled my way through the Boston Back Bay Bureaucratic Brouhaha to acquire the last signature on this <waving it about> Demolition Admission Permission Acquisition form. We are within licking distance of our goal. Your frolicking golden showers will soon be unimpeded by that nosey gang of Bloodhounds from Allston. And your delicate quivering nose won’t be overwhelmed with the barbaric musky reek of the Alsatian around the corner.

I just have to hand this one piece of paper to the BBAC compliance inspector and the wrecking balls will fly!… And my darling Sextoy and I will be free of the sexual angst cycle that has plagued those feeble excuses of manliness for so many years. Thank God I’ve had your … companionship during those lonely frustrating nights when I woke up listening to those TEPs running up and down the stairs. Up and down, up and down, all night long. But that’s all in the past.

Nothin’ But Yuppies

To the tune of The Bad Touch

By The Bloodhound Gang

Noise Bitch TEP, doggy, TEP, doggy, TEP is a condemned house
And so we'll do the kind of stuff that the Back Bay just dreams about
So put your paw in my pocket and you'll find a permit
For demolition of their building then we'll build your park in it
We'd had enough of their noise we had it stopped they were too loud
I had them cast into the Void no more fun will be allowed
More evil than you guess never settle for less it's my most perfect brilliant crime
Now they'll rot in the Void forever they're on Daylight Absence Time

Chorus You and me doggy ain't nothing but yuppies
So let's tear down TEP's house and then we'll fill it with puppies

Noise Bitch TEPs the kind you clean up with a mop and bucket
Like the lost catacombs of Irving only God knows where they stuck it
Syphilitics? Let me be specific I wanna move up in the Back Bay
But I got this notion that the motion of my potion meant they'd all just go away
So if I capsize in your skies like B5, Overload my hyperdrive
Please turn me on just like a Kirby it’ll suck to be alive
So blow my dust, I'll blow your fust, big bust, We'll Parton just like Dolly
And then we'll do it doggy style, 'cause you're a dog and all

Chorus You and me doggy ain't nothing but yuppies
So let's tear down TEP's house and then we'll fill it with puppies

Noise Bitch Oh, the excitement is almost too much – let’s both go watch the X-Files[5]!

Sex Toy Arf!

Scene N The Void Plague

Brothers onstage

Ray Zerback This is terrible. There's nothing to do here but play with Legos and make paper clip sculptures.

Bill Ding And network connectivity is terrible: I could only find a crappy 1200 baud dialup modem.

Ty Rant We need a better connection, and we really ought to get fiber, because everyone knows the crock is full of shit and fiber helps to get it out.

Lee Stan Nah, being in the void isn't so bad. There are no housebills, no problem sets, no work assignments, no tuition <what for you know what> , my RHI and RSI symptoms are mostly gone, and we have B-Side’s every-flavored Rats to eat.

Anne Gelface Excellent. Here is another one like fire extinguisher pudding.

Sue Portgroup This one is turkey tetrachloride.

Lee Stan Mmmm, this one taste's like Noise Bitch's feet.

Wayne N. Rome How do you know what Noise Bitch's feet taste like?

Lee Stan <Embarassed> Uh, I don't know. I mean, a friend TOED me. I mean, Stinky stays so, so it must be true!

Ty Rant I just ate a rat that tastes like second back!

Ray Zerback All of the good flavored rats must be gone by now.

Bill Ding Yuck, this one tastes like fryolator-bits - we really should get out of here.

Lee Stan I thought you said all of the good ones are gone?

All Ewww!

Sue Portgroup I'm not sure we should be eating these rats. After all, they carry disease!

Bill Ding What, they were in the foam room? No wonder I've been itching recently.

Sue Portgroup No, not that kind of disease. They carry ... The Plague!

Friday I've Got Plague

TTTO Friday I’m In Love

performed by The Cure

Instrumental <Don’t start singing yet – act like you’re dying[6]>

All I don't know quite what to do
My tongue's grey and my mouth too
Right now I can hardly chew
It's Friday I've got plague

All Monday I got bit by fleas
Tuesday Wednesday start to sneeze
Thursday my lungs cough and wheeze
It's Friday I've got plague

Chorus Saturday wait
Sunday now my buboes break
but Friday I've got plague...

All Monday I got bit by rats
Tuesday Wednesday lymph nodes fat
Thursday's when my tongue turned black
It's Friday I've got plague

Monday I just hold my head
Tuesday Wednesday stay in bed
Thursday now I'm fin’lly dead
It's Friday I've got plague

Ty Rant Let's get out of here while we still can. Lee Stan, didn't you have get-out-of-void free card?

Lee Stan Yeah, but I lost it.

Bill Ding You've been losing more and more important things lately.

Sue Portgroup I intuit that our latent paranormal abilities have been enhanced by the reactor's radiation blown toward us by the cooling tower fan.

Lee Stan You mean, like Spiderman?

Anne Gelface DONATELLO me it only TICK some radiation from a nuclear reactor’s PHAN-TO-Make us superheroes!

Sue Portgroup You underSAND, MAN.

Wayne N. Rome Well, this explains the pouch with life-sustaining nipples that I just grew.

Anne Gelface I can now consume even larger amounts of caPHOEN. IX my superpower.

Ray Zerback Phoenix - isn't that an operating system?

Bill Ding Yes, it crashes and burns every 100 years, but then it reboots automatically.

Ty Rant I have the ability stop time!

Lee Stan Really? <Long pause, everyone stays still> Do it!

Ty Rant I did. You just didn't notice.

Lee Stan Do it again!

All No!

Bill Ding I can tell jokes that are even less funny than before. What do you get when you mix vodka and Milk of Magnesia?

Bill Ding Drunk and constipated!

Ty Rant That’s not a superpower you dolt– you just turned into Sawyer!

Sue Portgroup Ugh! Every web search I do now returns nothing but Porn!

Bill Ding Cool! – want to trade superpowers?

Lee Stan I know what my superpower is. My sweat now smells really great!

Ray Zerback I have a prehensile uvula. Want to feel? <opens mouth, waggles tongue suggestively>

<emphatically, no one wants to feel>

Anne Gelface Watch out, if you keep that up then I will vote you out of the void.

Ray Zerback Don't do that, I want to be the final survivor. <Thinks> On second thought, go ahead and vote me out.

Ty Rant Hey, Lee, you don’t smell good, so what is your superpower, anyway?

Lee Stan I dunno – I wrote it down on a piece of paper, but then I lost it!

Sue Portgroup We need to find a way to get out of the void.

Ray Zerback Can't we just do an upcast?

Bill Ding No, that's not type-safe, so it's not allowed.

Anne Gelface Why?

Ty Rant It's prohibited where void.

Lee Stan I don't want to be typecast!

Wayne N. Rome <Looks off to the side, points dramatically> Hey, look, it's a seaweed covered Trolly Car. And who is that riding it?

Bill Ding Is that Ked Tennedy with his chowda pot?

Sue Portgroup No! It's only Charlie still trying to find that last nickel of fare.

Anne Gelface He's riding the fabled A line that was cast into the void many years ago by the MBTA.

Ray Zerback The A train?

Ty Rant <Emphatically and to the Piano Player> Not that A Train; the A train on the Green line of the MBTA.

Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority
(M.B.T.A.)

to the tune Y.M.C.A.

by The Villiage People

All Young TEPs, There's no need to feel down,
You won't, need to walk in Beantown,
Young TEPs, You should head underground,
Where the air smells of bums' urine.

Young TEPs, get where you want to go!
A token—not that much of your dough,
Of course, it's annoying and slow,
But its fas-ter than an au-to.

It's fun to ride on the M-B-T-A!
It's fun to ride on the M-B-T-A!

Harvard Square, you never know what you'll see,
Then go to Central Square, Buzzy’s is for me!

You can, hang out on New-bur-y,
Make fun, of yuppies in Mer-ce-des,
Because, they did not take the T,
And there's no parking in Boston.

Young TEPs, will you listen to me?
Do more, than work on your degree.
Don't sit, at TEP watching TV,
Go and see the world around you.

It's fun to ride on the M-B-T-A!
It's fun to ride on the M-B-T-A!

You can get on the Red line, and go to the Tute.
Get your tooling done, while you are en route!

Landsdowne, you can dance real dirty,
Make sure, you leave at twelve-thirty!
Or have dough, for a checkered cabbie,
Or you'll be, walk-ing back to TEP.

Young TEPs, you can go to Filene's,
Buy a, pair of tight leather jeans,
But don't you, scope out Boston's pre-teens[7]
The same way, that T-stop used to.

It's fun to ride on the M-B-T-A!
It's fun to ride on the M-B-T-A!

Young TEPs, young TEPs, there's no need to feel down.
Young TEPs, young TEPs, get yourself under ground!

M-B-T-A!

Bill Ding Let's all get on the A line and see where it takes us.

Conductor <conductor has very strong Boston accent> All aboard, step away from the door. Next stop, Hogsmeade.

Ty Rant Look, there's Ronco's Toke Shop and the Three Bong Bowls Tavern.

Conductor Leaving Hogsmeade Station. Next stop, the Shire. Whoa, big curve coming up.

Conductor Shire next stop. Change for the Paisley line with trains to Atlantis, Camelot, Erewhon, El Dorado, Shangrila, and Xanidu. Doors open on your left – watch your step!

Ray Zerback I've always wanted to see Bag-End.

Conductor Leaving the Shire.

Unit Five Oh, look, midgets with furry feet.

Bill Ding No, we're back in the tunnel. That's just your reflection in the window.

Conductor Next stop, Kindall Square. Kindall Square / MIT School of Fashion and Hospitality.

Wayne N. Rome Wow, MIT! Those graduates are renowned around the world for their stylish clothing, poise, grace, and excellent social and verbal skills.

Bill Ding Never mind MIT. Kindall Square is where all the pre-teens in the leather pants hang out! <starts to leave, but others pull him back on>

Conductor Last stop, TEP reactor room. All passengers must exit at this stop. Last stop. You're all screwed. Have a nice day.

Scene O The Only Honest Inspector in Boston

Noise Bitch So, Inspector, here's the property we in the Back Bay Beautification Commission For Eradication of Nasty Non-Yuppies (the BBBCFEONNY) have acquired. It's kind of in bad shape, so we'll be doing a complete gut rehab, and turning it into a much quieter space. Something in beige, we're thinking.

Inspec Well, it's kind of too bad you can't keep some of this nice mahogany and that stairwell. This place looks pretty nice actually.

Noise Bitch No! This beautiful architecture was tainted many years ago by those nasty.... um.... I mean... It's just too expensive to keep up such a house in a proper, BBBCFEONNY-approved manner. It'll just have to go.

Inspec Well, okay, I'll just need to sign off on the demolition permit you got downtown, then.

Noise Bitch Well certainly. I have it here in my pocket. <Puts hand in pocket. Looks startled, and starts frantically looking around for the paper> Um. Wait. My dog... Um. I mean, I must have set it down somewhere here... <Starts looking around frantically, but doesn't see it on the side> I'm afraid I've misplaced it. Do we really need it? Can't I just, er, pay you a “nominal refiling fee” to make everything go smoothly… <pulling out wallet>

Inspec Sorry, ma'am. We here at the Inspectional Services Department deport ourselves with the utmost propriety.

Noise Bitch Oh! I didn't mean...

Inspec I'm sorry ma'am. If you find your permit today, we can go ahead with the demolition. <Turns to go>

Noise Bitch No, wait! It has to be around here somewhere....

Noise Bitch Now really. I told them that you'd never believe this. I mean, an honest Boston Building Inspector??? Come on now. Getting cast into the void really does happen now and then. But an honest building inspector? Really!

Noise Bitch Where is that thing?? I had it here just before our last game of "fetch."

Scene P

Ty Rant Whew! Well, we're back in our beautiful brownstone again.

Sue Portgroup Yeah, it's good to be back....

Bill Ding …Back in the back back…

Anne Gelface …Back in the back back back bay!

Back In The Back Back Back Bay

To the tune of “Back in what is now the Commonwealth of Independent States”

Performed by The Beatles

All Driving down the MassPike in a brand new Saab
Turning off at Copley Square
Stopping at DeLuca's for some Cornish Squaab
And a case of Perrier

I'm back in the Back Back Back Bay
On Boston's Champs Elysée
Back in the Back Back Back Bay

Working out in Weston for an S & L,
Gee, its good to play with stock
All our lies have made your life a livin' hell
Playing Fiscal Beat the Clock

I'm back in the Back Back Back Bay
On Boston's Champs Elysée
Back in the Back Back
Back in the Back Back
Back in the Back Back Back Bay

Well the EuroChicks really knock me out[8]
as they bump and grind
With their Prada bags that they love to flout
It drives me out of my mi- mi- mi- mi- mi- mi- mi- mi- mi- mind

Show me 'round your brownstone condos five floors high
Take me down to Daisy B's
Having kinky sex on private rooftop decks
Eating smoked Norwegian cheese

I'm back in the Back Back Back Bay
On Boston's Champs Elysée
Back in the Back Back
Back in the Back Back
Back in the Back Back Back Bay

Noise Bitch <Peers through crowd from the front room> Wait! There's the demolition permit!! <Entering stage, to Lee Stan across room in wheedling tone> Um. Excuse me, young man, could you hand me that, um, piece of paper? It's not very important, but, I'd like to take a look at it....

Lee Stan H’okay! <Picks up paper>

Wayne N. Rome Eit! <Smacks paper, makes sure not to hit into audience>

Lee Stan Hey!

Noise Bitch Hey!

Lee Stan Oh, don't worry ma'am; it's an eit, so it's funny. <Picks up paper> See, here's the paper. <Starts walking over to Noise Bitch, reading it> But just what is a dem... demo... Oops! <Loses paper—stage hand runs by, grabs it with a “yoink!” (?)>

Noise Bitch Hey!

Lee Stan Oh, I'm sorry. I just keep losing things! I'm sure it'll turn up eventually, although I still haven't found my Phase 2 form....

Noise Bitch Nooo!! You can't lose that! That document is at the nadir of my plans! The lynchpin! The keystone! Nooo!

Inspec Sorry, ma'am. If you can't find that document today, it'll need to go through the new approval process that they're instituting for the Big Dig tomorrow. Anyway, I've gotta go. Other yuppies need my services. Have a good one.

Noise Bitch Nooooooooo! I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for you meddling TEPs! <Sits down and starts babbling, incoherent and upset, with much wailing and gnashing of teeth> Where will I walk my darling puppy, I promised him his own park, and now I've let him down and he'll never look at me the same way again... Oh my plans are foiled... etc etc etc

Sex Toy <looks confused and irritated; wanders around, managing to wind his leash around Noise Bitch's arms/legs, effectively immobilizing her>

Ray Zerback Let’s see who you really are! <Ray Zerback and Wayne N. Rome sneak up on Noise Bitch. Ray Zerback pulls off her 'mask' a la Scooby Doo, i.e. he sticks a big wad of ~22 sheets of paper on her face (attached how?) then rips off the first page which has Jessica's face printed on it, to reveal a page with Chuck Vest's face printed on it>

Wayne N. Rome Holy Honig! Noise Bitch is really Chuck Vest!

Ty Rant Well, of course it's Chuck Vest! He's behind every evil 'tute plan to subjugate students so he can squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze even more money out of them as alums. We should have known!

Sue Portgroup Wait, that can't be Chuck Vest. This guy's too short.

Wayne N. Rome <rips off sheet to show picture of Bill Gates>

All It's Bill Gates!

Bill Ding Well of course it's Bill Gates. He's the epitome of all yuppie evil.

Lee Stan Nah, still too short.

Ray Zerback <rips off sheet to show picture of Dick Cheney>

Voice behind scene <Synth starts riff for The Real Slim Shady> Will the real Dick Cheney PLEASE stand up?

Noise Bitch I'm the real Cheney, yes I'm the real Cheney... Mmmmmmph! <forcibly silenced by paper being ripped off>

Wayne N. Rome <rips sheet to show picture of Lars Ulrich, Metallica drummer>

Ray Zerback Who's that?

Anne Gelface That's Lars Ulrich, the drummer from Metallica!

Noise Bitch TEP – Bad!

Lee Stan Oh, no! He must have found out that I downloaded a bootleg of their unreleased duet with the Dixie Chicks!

Wayne N. Rome This is getting weird.

Ray Zerback <rips sheet to show picture of Saddam Hussein> Hey wait! It’s Saddam Hussein!

Wayne N. Rome <rips sheet to show picture of Saddam Hussein> And his brother, Gomorrah The-same!

Bill Ding Nah. Still too short, both counts.

Ray Zerback <rips sheet to show picture of Mahir> No wait, it’s Mahir!

Noise Bitch I KISS YOU!!!!!

Bill Ding <rips sheet to show picture of Marilyn vos Savant> It’s really Marilyn vos Savant, the smartest woman in the world! At least Parade Magazine thinks so.

Lee Stan Even if she can’t do probability worth crap.

Ray Zerback <rips sheet to show picture of Osama Bin Laden> Even worse! It’s Osama Bin Laden! <mispronounce as Osama Been Laid-en>

Bill Ding Are you kidding? I haven’t been laid in ages!

Ray Zerback <rips paper to show picture of Gary Coleman>

All It's Gary Coleman!!!

Gary <looks around belligerently>

Wayne N. Rome Wow, I never realized Gary Coleman could do something so colossally evil.

Lee Stan Let's see who else is hiding under here... <tries to rip off paper, but we pretend it is the real one and he fails. >

Gary Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Dumb TEP? <possibly don't insert a real name?>

All <step back in surprise, since Noise Bitch 'really' turned out to be Gary Coleman. Shocking>

Ty Rant Well, I suppose he IS the right height.

Ray Zerback I guess he must be Gary Coleman. Why'd you do it, Webster?

Gary Check the IMDB, you TEP scum! And you'd better not call me Arnold, either.

All <confused looks>

Gary <insert some rant about how he just wants a real life and a home with his dog and a bit of respect from everyone etc, about 2 lines worth. I'm uninspired>

Ty Rant Yeah, yeah—whatever, little guy. Somebody get him out of here. <Gary is hauled off, still protesting in a rather whiny voice>

Sue Portgroup Well, I guess everything is back to normal now. The house is saved, and we're all back in time for Reg. Day.

Lee Stan <smacks forehead> Oh, no, before I can register I've got to pay the rest of my tuition!

All <Gasp> Did you say TUITION?

Lee Stan Yes! As a matter of fact there's a song about that!

Tuition

TTTO "Tradition" … really

Chorus Tuition! Tuition! Tuition!
Tuition! Tuition! Tuition!

Indie When I was young I peddled for a UROP
Tried to get work study, whored upon the Fenway
Try as I might I can't earn quite enough to
Satisfy the Institvte

Chorus The student! The student! Tuition!
The student! The student! Tuition!

Jenn You must learn to live on less and pay your bill
And steel your will to eat roadkill
Otherwise your credit will we surely kill
With penalties and threats of broken bones

wait for "extra" beats

Chorus The bursar! The bursar! Tuition!
The bursar! The bursar! Tuition!

Bird Dear Son: We got your bill today
But we're a little short
We 'd have to sell the summer home
And you're [pause pause] not worth it

Chorus The parents! The parents! Tuition!
The parents! The parents! Tuition!

All So now I'm on the street
Without my damned degree
And all I have to show is
This bill from M-I-T

Chorus Tuition! Tuition! Tuition!
Tuition! Tuition! Tuition!

Exeunt

Encore

As if the audience will want an encore!

Super-Hyper-Open-Apple-Meta-Exclamation

TTTO Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

Performed by Julie Andrews in Mary Poppins

Chorus Super-Hyper-Open-Apple-Meta-Exclamation
Even though describing it will cause humiliation
If you try to type it your hands suffer degradation
Super-Hyper-Open-Apple-Meta-Exclamation

Umdididility Umdilidi Umdididility Umdilidi

Jofish Macintosh has some commands that sure as heck ain't terse
And if you type in Windows it could make a sailor curse
But I've discovered one command that blows them all away
The biggest line you'll ever find, and all you have to say

Chorus Is Super-Hyper-Open-Apple-Meta-Exclamation
Even though describing it will cause humiliation
If you use it often you'll cure temporal gyration
Super-Hyper-Open-Apple-Meta-Exclamation

Umdididility Umdilidi Umdididility Umdilidi

Big Bird Once I stayed up every night and tooled till two or three
Till I got each problem right and Dad was proud of me
But now my thesis writes itself and I don't do a thing
My grades are great, they're all top rate, and all I do is sing

Chorus Oh, Super-Hyper-Open-Apple-Meta-Exclamation
Even though describing it will cause humiliation
You just have to type it once and then go on vacation

Big Bird Of course to undo it it's Shonam-axe-Atem-Elpa-Nepo-repyh-repus, but that's going a little to far don't you think?

Jofish Indubidably

Chorus Super-Hyper-Open-Apple-Meta-Exclamation!

[1] “My husband’s going to come this year. <long pause> To the Crock!”

[3] This is where we should put in “Another one Eits the Dust/Fust”, we we only thought of it at 12:22AM the night before the crock. Eit!

[5] A brief discussion about the song that goes something like “let’s do it doggy-style / so we can both watch the X-files”. Crusher doesn’t get it, but finally catches on.

Crusher: that’s because you watch the X-files and I don’t

U5: I don’t watch it, but Rebecca does

[6] Oh, c’mon. Like we’re not doing that already on stage.

[7] Alternate verse: But don't you, go out boinking pre-teens

[8] The Fat-behind Wellesley chick line was changed despite its long pedigree – see The Most Holy ‘Qroc, 1990, for information about the original verse.

[3] This is where we should put in “Another one Eits the Dust/Fust”, we we only thought of it at 12:22AM the night before the crock. Eit!

[5] A brief discussion about the song that goes something like “let’s do it doggy-style / so we can both watch the X-files”. Crusher doesn’t get it, but finally catches on.

Crusher: that’s because you watch the X-files and I don’t

U5: I don’t watch it, but Rebecca does

[6] Oh, c’mon. Like we’re not doing that already on stage.

[7] Alternate verse: But don't you, go out boinking pre-teens

[8] The Fat-behind Wellesley chick line was changed despite its long pedigree – see The Most Holy ‘Qroc, 1990, for information about the original verse.