Crock --2k

Or

You can’t get then from now

Dramatis Personaii

Vhatsa Time                          CHANCELLOR                     U5

Lee Pierre                               RUSH CHAIR                       Leper

Seiko Killer                            DUMB TEP                           Kraken

Raul Xanthopolous             SMART TEP                         Lifto

ROSETTA STONE                                                               Chuck

Doh Noh Wen                      FRESHMAN 1                      Matthew Beck

Justin Time                            FRESHMAN 2                      Jason

 

TEPUS MAXIMUS                                                             Jofish

TEPUS RUSHUS                                                  Ariel

 

at least 2 people to be Egyptions – no dialog                 Danielle & Tappan

 

Thog                                                                                      Danielle

Ug                                                                                           Jofish

 

Bar Bar Jinks                                                                         Golan

Leonardi deTepri                                                                  Jofish

 

Charles Baggage                                                                  Jofish

Ada Lovelace                                                                       Jenn Long-Steele

Mr Butthead                                                                         Tappan

 

Betonna RUSSIAN                                                              Jenn Long-Steele

Vladmir Ilyich Ulianov a.k.a. LENIN                  Jofish

 

Queen Amadalia                                                                   Jen Long-Steele

Nerdboy 1                                                                             Ariel

Nerdboy 2                                                                             Tappan

Properties

ACT I

Grape Soder

Time Machine

Togas for Romans

Roll of AqueDucTape

AA Batteries

Philips Screwdriver Hieroglyphics

Rosetta’s Tome – a large book

ACT II

Cavemen costumes

Mallet (Pledge-o-matic?)

Magic Eit Ball on a tray covered by a moave sheet

Mummy

ACT III

Newspaper

Book – Alan Turing’s Biography

Cell Phone

Something small and olive-like that is eitable

Music

Instrumentals by Chairman on the Piano, Jofish on the Acoustic Guitar, and Golan on Synthesizer/CD/Casette

ACT I

Down In The Cluster

Bannanas / Welcome to TEP

Our House Is A Reactor

Welcome to Rome

Public Key Encryption

Opening chords from Also Sprach Zarathustra GET CD

Evolution

ACT II

Friday I’ve got Plague         This song was cut ‘cause we couldn’t sing it. Even less than usual.

Te(m)poral Madrigal

1899

Proletarian Girl

SuperHyperOpenAppleMetaExclamation

ACT III

Tepophone!

Graduate on Time

Back in the Back Back Back Bay

The Nerdliest Things

Tuition Classic

ACT I

SCENE ONE                        Welcome to TEP  Time      1999

CURTAIN Opens, ENTER LEE PIERRE, VHATSA TIME, ROSETTA, SEIKO KILLER

LEE PIERRE                          Where is everybody?

SEIKO KILLER                     Wait -- I'm getting a premonition!  There's been a terrible accident and all the freshmen are dead!  Heavy fines are involved...

ROSETTA                             What's with Nostradamous here?

VHATSA TIME                   He's been reading the tabloids again.  They're filled with all sorts of wacko end-of-the world stuff.  Y'know, lost Bible prophecies, Soap Opera Psychic predictions, Alan Greenspan, -- that sort of thing.  I think it's got him depressed.

SEIKO KILLER                     Laugh all you want, I've learned to trust my powers!

ROSETTA                             Oh, like the time you guessed at all the answers on your 6.111 final?  I didn't think it was possible to get a zero on a true/false test...

LEE PIERRE                          OK guys, we don't have time for this.  Where is everyone?

VHATSA TIME                   Don't worry.  Rush doesn't start until Saturday this year.

LEE PIERRE                          But it's Sunday.  I’d hoped the house would be swarming with freshmen and brothers engaged in erudite conversations.

SEIKO KILLER                     None of that here. What about “rude Eit” conversations

LEE PIERRE                          Like, Whatever.

VHATSA TIME                   Well, all the brothers went out for coffee...

ROSETTA                             Yeah, they're living La Vida Mocha.

VHATSA TIME                   then they went down to the cluster to play Quake.

<ENTER EVERYBODY>

 

To The Tune Of "Down On The Corner"

by Creedence Bongwater Revival

All                               Early in the morning, just about sun-up time
Over in the fishbowl, they're starting to go blind
Four kids pound the keyboard, tryin' to see the screen
Irving starts a game up, and crashes his machine

CHORUS                   Down in the cluster
Out with the geeks
Better toss one in the shower
To reduce that musky reek

All                               Quake is what they're playing, down in building two
Twitchin' and a rockin,' leaking Mountain Dew
Irving blasts his nailgun, but the monster ducks
Demon fireballs his ass, and Irving yells out, FUCK!

CHORUS                   Down in the cluster
Out with the geeks
Better toss one in the shower
To reduce that musky reek

All                               As they're busy playing, the rush chair charges in
He's been using zlocate to find out where they've been
Screams out in a panic FRESHMEN COMING SOON!
They say, They’re Just Breathing Hard
rush chair's brain goes boom.

CHORUS                   Down in the cluster
Out with the geeks
Better toss one in the shower
To reduce that musky reek

Vhatsa Time, Lee Pierre, Rosetta, Seiko Killer & Raul X. remain on stage;everyone else – back in the box

VHATSA TIME                   Well, we've found the brothers all right, but where are the freshmen?

LEE PIERRE                          Hark!  There's the doorbell... [knock]

LEE PIERRE                          I mean, there's a knock at the door [ring]

LEE PIERRE                          I mean... oh hell. [yells] Come in!

SEIKO KILLER                     Hey look, the freshmen are coming!

VHATSA TIME                   No, they're just breathing hard.

Enter 2 Freshmen

To the tune of Bonanza

All                               Welcome to TEP where we like to schlep Grape Soder
Welcome to TEP it's frosty and wet and it's caffeine-free!

VHATSA TIME         What's your name?

ROSETTA                  Where you from?

LEE PIERRE             What'd ya like to be?

All                               Welcome to TEP where the floors are swept Bimonthly
Welcome to TEP where the Crock's ineptly rhymed.

RAUL X.                                Hey, where is Mon Thley, anyway?

DOH NOH WEN                  Hi I'm Doh Noh Wen.[1]

JUSTIN THYME                  And I'm Justin Thyme.  Hey Hey, We're the freshmen!

VHATSA TIME                   Hi, I'm the Chancellor Vhatsa Time!

Doh Noh Wen                      …About 9:22…

VHATSA TIME                   Time for a grape soder!

Hands freshman grape soder, which they hold in one hand and try to figure out how to still hold their scripts and be polite at the same time.  Gotta love cut and pasting stage directions from old crocks.

LEE PIERRE                          I’m the Rush Chairman, Lee Pierre, and I’m DamnGladToMeetcha. Have you seen any other freshmen around?  You two are great, but we've got twenty-two metric tonnes of Italian food to eat. I sure hope you are hungry.

JUSTIN THYME                  No, I meant it.  We're the freshmen!

DOH NOH WEN                  All of them.

SEIKO KILLER                     See, I told you, most all of the freshmen are dead.

JUSTIN THYME                  It was weird.  We went to some speech where some old gheezer told us that it wasn't a mistake that we got in to MIT, but we were the only people in the audience.

DOH NOH WEN                  He also mentioned that one in three of us wouldn't graduate in four years.  I'm wondering which two-thirds of me I leave behind.[2]

Raul X.                                   Man, That’ll be a vicious curve in 18.02

LEE PIERRE                          So what happened to the other freshmen?

JUSTIN THYME                  There was some sort of Y2K bug in the Admissions Office computers, and all the rest of the freshmen were transferred to Harvard.

ALL                                        somberly  Poor blokes!

LEE PIERRE                          This is horrible! Because of the Y2K bug these guys are the only people who've been accepted to MIT. This is a horrible mistake!

Seiko Killer                            Don't be so hard on them -- I'm sure they're plenty smart!

LEE PIERRE                          patiently explaining -- as usual No, not a mistake that they were accepted.  A mistake that they're the only ones who were accepted.

SEIKO KILLER                     light dawns Oh. OK.

DOH NOH WEN                  But I'm confused. Why are the computers here affected by Y2K?  It's still 1999.

LEE PIERRE                          Well, here at MIT we've always been a little ahead of everyone else when it comes to Technology.

VHATSA TIME                   That's right – why we've had a hole in our ozone layer for almost 50 years!

ROSETTA                             Our reactor went critical long before Chernobyl...

SEIKO KILLER                     And we have a song about it!

TTTO The Addams Family

All                               Our house is a reactor
Where safety’s not a factor
And everybody’s cracked here
Our house is T-E-P

Chorus                        253 [snap] [snap]
253 [snap] [snap]
253, 253, 253 [snap] [snap]

All                               Control rods they are all out
The fire escapes we crawl out
And then there is the fallout
Inside of T-E-P

Chorus                        253 [snap] [snap]
253 [snap] [snap]
253, 253, 253 [snap] [snap]

All                               Our house is gonna blow now
We’re gonna start to glow now
I think we’d better go now
Remember T-E-P

VHATSA TIME                   Heck, I've been paying my Tuition in Euros for years.

Justin Thyme                        Is there a song about that?

Vamp

VHATSA TIME                   The Euro?  Not yet…

LEE PIERRE                          Gentlemen, we have a mission.  We need to fix the Y2K crisis.

Seiko Killer                            We could build a bunker and hide all the freshmen in it.

Rosetta                                  We could release a virus that resets all the computer clocks to the early 80s.

Raul X.                                   Yeah, we could call it the Duran Duran virus!

Doh Noh Wen                      Does that mean I’ll have to go through puberty again? No Way!

RAUL X.                                We'll have to reactivate the Time Travelling Fax Machine from the late eigties when fax machines were cool and go boldly back to 1956 to tell Alan Turing about the Y2K bug!

LEE PIERRE                          Then we'll have saved civilization!

VHATSA TIME                   We'll be famous Heros!

SEIKO KILLER                     Yeah!  We'll be TURING back time!

everyone hits him[3]

LEE PIERRE                          Wait, we can't take the freshmen away! That's a rush violation.

VHATSA TIME                   Don't worry, they’ll be back before they leave.

RAUL X.                                Here's the time machine!  We'll just enter in the date we want to go to and...

TIME TRAVEL FX

SCENE TWO            The Romans            56AD

ENTER ROMAN TEPS

VHATSA TIME                   Wait!  What happened? Where are we?

LEE PIERRE                          When are we?

DOH NOH WEN                  This doesn't look like 1956 to me.

RAUL X.                                The time machine must have malfunctioned.

JUSTIN THYME                  Yeah.  Why is everyone wearing sheets?

ROSETTA                             Looks like they're Living La Vida Toga.

ENTER TEPUS MAXIMUS and TEPUS RUSHUS, conversing

TEPUS RUSHUS                  Tepus Maximus, I just can't see your invention of the zero catching on.  Why should we need more than the letters M, C, X, V, and I? We only use them on copyright notices anyway...

TEPUS MAXIMUS             Tepus Rushus, all this talk of nothing is upsetting my digestion; I think I'll buy a cow from the prefecture of Magnesia

TEPUS RUSHUS                  Why?

TEPUS MAXIMUS             You mix it's milk with potato distalates and you get a Philips Screwdriver

VHATSA TIME                   That joke sounds familiar...[4]

TEPUS MAXIMUS             Hi.  I'm Tepus Maximus.  Welcome to Rome.

TTTO Welcome To TEP

All                               Welcome to Rome, where we like to quaff reclining.
Welcome to Rome, our wine is red but not quite lead-free!

TEPUS MAXIMUS   What's your name?

TEPUS RUSHUS       When are you from?

RAUL X.                    It's fifty-six A.D.!

All                               Welcome to Rome where we build with stone and marble!
Welcome to Rome where the Crock's ineptly rhymed.

LEE PIERRE                          Hmm.  Some things don't change … much

TEPUS RUSHES                   Here at the Rome chapter of Tau Epsilon Phi we offer young Romans the best the Greek system can offer

TEPUS MAXIMUS             At Tep-a-roma., everyone is emporer!

TEPUS RUSHUS                  Eit! eit's someone's script

JUSTIN THYME                  What was that?

TEPUS RUSHUS                  It happens a lot during the Eits of March.

DOH NOH WEN                  Wow!  We're in Rome!  What amazing architecture. Marble Columns – well-maintained Roads – Golden Arches? – what are those bridges carrying water?

TEPUS MAXIMUS             They are our aqueducts - They carry water into the city, but, alas, less of it each year.

TEPUS RUSHES                   You see, about 57 years ago the engineers warned us about the so-called "Wye Naught bug," but no one paid them any attention.

SEIKO KILLER                     Why not?

TEPUS RUSHES                   Exactly. And the aqueducts have been leaking ever since.

RAUL X.                                I think I have something that can help - holds up roll of ... AqueDucTape!

TEPI talk with one another and play with tape

VHATSA TIME                   Tepus Maximus, can you help us?  We're trying to get back to 1999 and our time machine malfunctioned. TEPUS MAXIMUS starts to examine the time machine RAUL X., have you figured out what the problem is yet?

RAUL X.                                Well, the logarithmic repetition matrix seems to transmanipulate nonlinearly in the homographic regression despite the vascillation of the combinatoric forces.

TEPUS RUSHUS                  So what you're saying is that you've got no idea what the problem is.

RAUL X.                                No Bloody Clue.

TEPUS MAXIMUS             It appears that your non-acidic double alpha cylindrical lightning storage containers are almost completely drained; they'll have to be replaced.

LEE PIERRE                          Do you know where can get some?

TEPUS RUSHES                   Of course – All  Ro-men carry cylindrical lightning storage containers. Here hands batteries to Raul X.

DOH NOH WEN                  Wait! Here’s the problem! You entered 2/22/56 into the machine.  And it's done exactly that!  We got caught by the Y2K problem.

RAUL X.                                I get it!  Since it has taken us to 56 A.D, all we need to do is change it to 1956 and press the button!

TEPUS RUSHUS                  1956?  Oh.  You mean MCMLVI!

SEIKO KILLER                     You're Elvii?  But neither of you look anything like The King.

everyone hit Seiko Killer

EVERYONE                           Bye

RAUL X. presses button… Time travel FX

Scene Three:           The Egyptians 1956BC

ENTER EGYPTIAN TEPS.. OR AT LEAST PEOPLE TO ASSUME THE POSES

LEE PIERRE                          It's gone wrong again.  When are we now?

DOH NOH WEN                  Well, those people over there are standing in those classic  poses...  one in walk-like-egyptian pose.. other in static mummy pose

RAUL X.                                We're in ancient Egypt.[5]

VHATSA TIME                   Hey, this mummy's got a sign on him.

ROSETTA                             But it's in hieroglyphics. holds up hieroglyphic Philip's  Screwdriver joke

Everyone looks and shakes their heads, looking very confused except for SEIKO KILLER, who points and laughs[6]

JUSTIN THYME                  And we certainly can't read hieroglyphics without some sort of key

LEE PIERRE                          Well, Rosetta's studied Egyptology, and all of her research is here holds up bigg-ass-book in Rosetta’s Tome

VHATSA TIME                   But, we can’t read that!

ROSETTA                             Of course not, it’s encrypted…

TTTO Walk Like An Egyption

Performed by The Bangles

                                    All of the hackers at the ‘Tute,
Don’t send their mail in the clear you know.
We P-G-P (Oh, I/O!)
From M.I.T. straight to Kosovo!

                                    All of the Twinkies at their SPARCs,
They sniff every packet on the Net.
Crack D-E-S (Oh, I/O!)
Oh shit we should use secure telnet.

                                    SIPB types with their slashdot hype say
I/O, I/O…I/O, I/O
Public key en-crypt-she-on…

                                    The spooks in charge at N.S.A.,
They think that key escrow is the way.
They read your mail (Oh, I/O!)
They’re looking for nasty things you say.

                        They’ll place it in your secret file
They know how you live and work and play,
Damn N.S.A. (Oh, I/O!)
Make sure you encrypt your mail today!

                                    All the geeks with their ssh say
I/O, I/O…I/O, I/O!
Public key encrypt-she-on!

DOH NOH WEN                  So you can decode the hieroglyphics?

ROSETTA                             Yes, but it doesn’t make any sense – something about Pharoh Tutphilaman’s torque transmission device.

RAUL X.                                Hey everyone - I've figured out what's wrong with the time machine!

EVERYONE                           What?

RAUL X.                                Well, the unipolar nondeterministic characteristicts of the control structure...

EVERYONE                           SHUT UP.  hits him

RAUL X.                                Would you believe we have relative instead of absolute addressing?[7]

Seiko Killer                            None of my relatives give me their addresses…

VHATSA TIME                   Sighs  Let's go.

RAUL X. hits the button…time travel FX…Doors Close

Act II

Wherein the TEPs visit several more eras.

SCENE FOUR         Cavemen

ENTER PREHISTORIC TEPS COMPLETE WITH CLUBS, ETC

Ug                                           Hey Thog, meega grogga moogle magga munk de moo moo.

Thog                                      Grumble Gump aWa-wa?

Ug                                           Meega mixa vecca vokka, unk moogle un "Philip's screwdriver!"

Vhatsa Time                          Wow, I knew that joke was old, but I didn't know it was prehistoric!

Thog                                      Time long, no see-um you, Ug. Wutzup?

Ug                                           Ug hear about new stuff called fire. Ug has desire for fire. Ug tired of eating raw fish every day.

Doh Noh Wen                      I didn't know cavemen ate sushi!

Vhatsa Time                          Now that's living La Vida Roka![8]

Ug                                           Wutzup with you, Thog?

Thog                                      Thog make-um new tools for trading.

Ug                                           New tools for trading? Ug need new tools; Ug lose big money buying options on E-Trade. Ug's Wifey-Wifey no let Ug sleep in same cave no more. Ug broke and sad, Ug have RHI.

Seiko Killer                            So that's why he's called “Homo Erectus!”

Thog                                      Hmmm. Thog's tool not so good for derivative analysis. Thog's tool good for hitting and breaking things.

Ug                                           What does Thog call new tool?

Thog pulls up pledge-o-matic

Thog                                      Thog call new tool "the banger."

Seiko Killer                            Banger? But I just met her?

music

Ug                                           Huh huh! Weird purple space monsters tell joke.

Thog                                      Joke not funny, but joke easy for morons to write.

Raul X.                                   Now look what you've done! You've invented the ER Joke!

Seiko Killer                            I'm sure it will evolve into something wonderful!

RAUL X.                                I guess that means we’re not in Kansas anymore

TTTO Revolution

By The Beatles

                                    You're taking part in evolution, well you know...
that it's going to change your genes,
Your brains may be lilliputian, but hey they'll grow...
you'll find it rather keen,
but when you’re talkin’ reproduction
don't you know that you can count me in…out?…in

                                    don't you know you’re gonna walk…upright…
don't you know you’re gonna walk…upright…
don't you know you’re gonna walk…upright…

                                    A life in trees is no solution, well you know,
you're all going to lose your tails,
your gene pool will absorb pollution, from every yo-yo
We're all doing what we can...

                                    But if you go telling those stories of Genesis,
you might as well teach science classes in flat Kansas,

                                    Don't you know they’re gonna say…God’s right
Don't you know they’re gonna say…God’s right
Don't you know they’re gonna say…God’s right

                                    Their teachers’ skills in elocution will start to show
their AP scores will be quite low
makes you glad you’re at this institvtion, well, Doh!
there’s no place sane enough to go

                                    And if you go carrying pictures of fish with feet,
and go to Topeka they'll laugh you right off the street,

                                    Don't you know they really are…Uptight!
Don’t you know they really are…full of Sheit!
And if you think we really care…Well, EIT!

VHATSA TIME                   Now that we've advanced the development of the human race to the level of The ER Joke, perhaps we should work on getting out of here.

RAUL X.                                But we still can't figure out how to control the time machine.

DOH NOH WEN                  Perhaps if we turn the time machine upside down, it'll take us back to when we came from.

LEE PIERRE                          Well..A..MOEBA we could try that. [a maybe]

RAUL X.                                According to our uni VACULE do best to plate with some CHROMOSOME nickel. [uniVac, you’ll…chrome off some]

VHATSA TIME                   How Stupid - you must be totally PLASTID. [plastered]

Doh Noh Wen                      What would EU GLENA from that? [you glean]

LEE PIERRE                          Maybe we could a RIBOSOME conclusion. [arrive at some]

RAUL X.                                Here, hold this [to Rosetta handing her something from the machine]

Rosetta                                  I don't want to carry it, EUKARYOTE. [you carry it]

Raul X.                                   Man, you're a tough CELL.

Rosetta                                  Well, you CELLULOSE. And you MITOCHONDRIA, but you can't fool me. [you sell, you lose. might have conned Rhea]

LEE PIERRE                          We should reORGANELLES this whole scheme and invert the streams. [reorganize]

JUSTIN THYME                  That's your GOL?GI COMPLEX as it may sound, it just might work. [goal? Gee, Complex]

DOH NOH WEN                  You must be some kind of pod person trying to fool us.

VHATSA TIME                   I'm not really a pod person.

DOH NOH WEN                  That's even worse, you're a PSEUDOPOD person.

VHATSA TIME                   I must PROTIST.

JUSTIN THYME                  These puns are getting CILIA and CILIA. [intuitively obvious]

LEE PIERRE                          My feet are hurting.

JUSTIN THYME                  MITOSIS hurting too.

VHATSA TIME                   Oh god, my Brain is hurting

SEIKO KILLER                     Look over there, it's a wigwam.

RAUL X.                                No, that's ATP.

SEIKO KILLER                     I’m not convinced – I'll look it up in my How to GAMETE.[9]

Vhatsa Time                          Raul X., I’ve had about OSMOSIS this as I can take, We need to LIPID in the bud right now!

RAUL X.                                Okay, Okay.  I think that I've figured out how to flip the sign bit on this thing and end this pun sequence. We can at least be sure of going forward in time. But while changing over from relative to absolute addressing, we've lost the calibration.

VHATSA TIME                   Well, we can just hop forward through time, right? We've made it this far. What could go wrong?

ominous chords

RAUL X.                                We still don't know what will happen if we jump forward into our relative future. Literature is full of the horrible paradoxes placing the travellers in infinite loops playing infinite loops playing infinite loops...

LEE PIERRE                          We can't get into an infinite loop! The freshmen wouldn't get back to TEP on time! Heavy fines would be involved!

SEIKO KILLER                     They're really unCULTUREd around here.

Everyone hits Seiko Killer

RAUL X.                                Hang on, everyone.

TIME MACHINE FX

SCENE D      THE DARK AGES

LIGHTS STAY OFF

LEE PIERRE                          What's happened?

DOH NOH WEN                  Why are all the lights off?

RAUL X.                                Oh.  It's the dark ages.

TIME TRAVEL FX

SCENE P      PLAGUE

LEE PIERRE                          When are we now?

ROSETTA                             I don't know... but I do know that Every Good Boy Deserves Fudge Always!

DOH NOH WEN                  Really?  My Very Educated Mother Just Sat Under Nine Planets!

SEIKO KILLER                     ROY G BIV

JUSTIN THYME                  King Peter came over from Germany seeking fortune. <linnaen system, if you care>

SEIKO KILLER                     SOHCAHTOA…

Vhatsa Time                          Gefilte fish are hell without tarter sauce.

RAUL X.                                Stop!  Everyone!  You know what's happened...

EVERYONE                           What?

RAUL X.                                We've got...

PIANO  Dadadum!

RAUL X.                                Mnemonic Plague!

TTTO Friday I’m In Love

performed by The Cure

Instrumental               [don’t start singing yet – act like you’re dying]

                                    I don't know quite what to do
My tongue's grey and my mouth too
Now I find I can hardly chew
It's Friday I've got plague

                                    Monday I got bit by fleas
Tuesday Wednesday start to sneeze
Thursday my lungs cough and wheeze
It's Friday I've got plague

Chorus                        Saturday wait
Sunday now my buboes break
but Friday I've got plague...

                                    Monday I got bit by a rat
Tuesday Wednesday lymph nodes fat
Thursday's when my tongue turned black
It's Friday I've got plague

Instrumental

                                    Monday I just hold my head
Tuesday Wednesday stay in bed
Thursday now I'm finally dead
It's Friday I've got plague

[Cut the CD. In Half]

VHATSA TIME                   Quick, Raul X., get us out of here!

SEIKO KILLER                     Better be right or your great big venture goes west (Resisitor Color Code)

Everyone smacks Seiko Killer – Again.

RAUL X. Hits the button

SCENE Q      THE RENESAIINANZZZE

ENTER BAR BAR JINKS AND LEONARDO DE TEPRI

BAR BAR JINKS                 WITH OUTRAGEOUS ITALIAN ACCENT Welcoma to Italia!  Mesa bar bar jinks!  I am for to be overjoyed that you is good then shall be visiting here!  Me-saa so happy!

VHATSA TIME                   Hi!  We seem to be having problems with our time machine – what year is this?

BAR BAR JINKS                 Well, I dunna-know if me-saa I can helpa you.  But me-saa hang arounda here and be somea kinda mixedup racial stereotypa.

RAUL X.                                Well, Do you know anything about translinear meta-regressional psuedo-gnomic analysis?

BAR BAR JINKS                 No.  But me-saa hang arounda an' look-a cute for de kids!

LEONARDO                         [slight italian accent] Greetings.  I am Leonardo de Tepri.  I am the greatest inventor that ever lived.

EVERYBODY                        Leonardo de Tepri!

LEONARDO                         I invented the helicopter!  I invented the windmill!  The parachute! Movable bridges!  Electricity!  Vibrating motel-room beds!  Canals!  Overshoes! The er Joke. Mutated turtles!  The Information Super-Highway!

SEIKO KILLER                     Wait!  That was Al Gore. [Everyone hits him]

BAR BAR JINKS                 I have-a big-a floppy ears and big happy grin!  I have happy...

[Nearest person hits him]

LEONARDO                         And I have just invented translinear meta-regressional psuedo-gnomic analysis.

RAUL X.                                I had an intuition you might have.

SEIKO KILLER                     Isn't there a song about that?

EVERYONE                           NO. [Hits him]

RAUL X.                                Do you think you can help us fix our time machine?

LEONARDO                         Of course.

BAR BAR JINKS                 Mesa help-a you too!

EVERYONE                           NO.

BAR BAR JINKS looks crestfallen

LEONARDO                         It's easy.  You know perspective?

EVERYONE                           Yes.

LEONARDO                         So time is the same.  Time looks smaller as you get further away.

VHATSA TIME                   You mean there's a vanishing point for time?

LEE PIERRE                          Yeah, like we hope there’s a vanishing point of this scene.

RAUL X.                                So parallel universes will intersect in the future?

LEONARDO                         Exactly  

LEONARDO             Time is not linear you see

ALL                            Falala falala falala

LEONARDO             All though it appears like that to thee

ALL                            Falala falala falala

LEONARDO             Your time machine it will be wrecked
If your progress it goes unchecked
And with yourself you shall intersect

ALL                            Falala falala falala

FOUR-PART             And With yourself you shall intersect x3

ALL                            Falala falala falala

ROSETTA                  That would really be most cool

ALL                            Falala falala falala

ROSETTA                  Although a possibly useful tool

ALL                            Falala falala falala

ROSETTA                  I fear it'd be bad for my health
But if approached with sufficient stealth
Maybe I could have sex with myself

ALL                            Falala falala falala

FOUR-PART             And Maybe I could have sex with myself x3

ALL                            Falala falala falala

LEE PIERRE             A nifty little plot device

ALL                            Falala falala falala

LEE PIERRE             And a bit more action would be nice

ALL                            Falala falala falala

LEE PIERRE             I'm afraid this cadence does hardly fit
Crack smoking authors did write it
Alas this crock is a crock of shit

ALL                            Falala falala falala

FOUR-PART             Alas this crock is a crock of shit x 3 <and harmony out on last>.

ALL                            Falala falala falala

RAUL X.                                So all we need to do is reverse the field, invert the decision tree, collect the garbage from the heap, pop the stack, and cross the streams? 

SEIKO KILLER                     Don't Cross The Streams!

Everyone … well, you know what to do

VHATSA TIME                   Leonardo, thank you for your help.

BAR BAR JINKS                 Me-saa so unhappy now gosa you.   Me-saa come with you!

EVERYBODY                        NO!

RAUL X. hurriedly hits the button

TIME TRAVEL FX

SCENE V      THE VICTORIANS

Lee Pierre                               Where are we?

Vhatsa Time                          Hmm. We're in a room filled with something that contains a huge boiler, which seems to power a machine with a lot of twisty gears, all alike[10].

Raul X.                                   It's the laboratory of the great Charles Baggage! And that must be his Difference Engine! Maybe we can get it to work for him.

Vhatsa Time                          What? Are you crazy? Do you know how far down on our list priorities that is?

Lee Pierre                               Look, here comes Baggage now! Who's that with him?

BAGGAGE                            Hello, you must be those chaps from the Royal Analytical Society. I hope you will enjoy this presentation.

Lee Pierre                               Um, yeah, that's us. And who might this be? Learing at Ada

BAGGAGE                            This is my inspiration and motivation, Ada Lovelace. And my research assistant Mr. Butthead.

ADA                                      I'm honored to meet such a distinguished group of analysts.

MR. BUTTHEAD                 Huh Huh. She said analyst.

ROSETTA                             So you're going to be displaying your Difference Engine?

MR. BUTTHEAD                 Maybe you'd like to see MY difference engine, duck.

BAGGAGE                            Oh, no, that was a failed experiment, I'm afraid. However, I have made great progress on my next machine.

RAUL X.                                The Analytical Engine?

BAGGAGE                            No, no, the Indifference Engine! Follow me, Ada, we'll bring it in to show. They exit.

LEE PIERRE                          To VHATSA TIME Did you notice how stunning Lady Byron was? Do you think she was looking at me?

VHATSA TIME                   EUCLID ask her. [You could]

LEE PIERRE                          I'd like to WIENER away from Baggage. [Win her]

VHATSA TIME                   Don't put DESCARTES before the horse. PTOLEMY how you think you could bring her back with you.

LEE PIERRE                          I'll worry about that in DEMORGEN.

DOH NOH WEN                  Whoa. Remem-BERNOULLI formed crushes aren't likely to last.

LEE PIERRE                          Do you think if I ROTA letter to her, she might pay attention to me?

JUSTIN THYME                  sarcastically Why not dye your hair and wear a GOEDEL? [girdle]

MR. BUTTHEAD                 Huh Huh. He said girdle.

LEE PIERRE                          Maybe I should just stay here. I could pledge aLEIBNITZ to Queen Victoria and the British Empire. [allegiance]

VHATSA TIME                   Don't be silly. If we don't get back soon, we're going to have to RAMANUJAN for the freshmen, and you know how much Juddcom hates that. [run a new jaunt]

DOH NOH WEN                  What kind of GALOIS she, to make you react this way? [gal was]

LEE PIERRE                          Her ARISTARCUS coal, [hair is dark as] and she's like DA VIN, CI chills me at a distance. [the wind, she]

JUSTIN THYME                  D'REIMANN, man.  [Dream on]

LEE PIERRE                          If I could bring her back with me, I'd spEULER with computational power so that she could develop the algorithms she's always dreamed of. I'd BOOLE her over with cryptanalysis.

RAUL X.                                TAYLOR what? [Tell her] You can't expose her to the knowledge that we're from the future. Just think of the paradoxes.

LEE PIERRE                          It doesn't matter. Whether I FIBBONA, CCI'll see right through my lies. [Fib or not, she'll] Do you think we could bring her back?

DOH NOH WEN                  Why are you asking me? I haven't even PASCAL-culus. [Passed calculus]

RAUL X.                                I'll have you know, I do not suf-FERMAT-hematicians gladly. They never have any useful skills, like soldering and debugging.

VHATSA TIME                   No MERCATOR-ing to your needs. We have to concentrate on the task at hand -- retrieving the freshmen from Harvard.

MR. BUTTHEAD                 Huh huh. He said 'task at hand'.

LEE PIERRE                          I GAUSS I'll have to settle for a relationship that's PLATOnic. I'L'HOPITAL works out.

VHATSA TIME                   Too bad you can't DEROBERVAL we fix the time machine.

BAGGAGE reenters

BAGGAGE                            Remember, this is one of Queen Victoria's Secrets. Please do not endanger the security of Her Majesty's body of knowledge.

MR. BUTTHEAD                 Huh Huh. He said 'body of knowledge'

ADA carries in a tray covered with a sheet.

BAGGAGE                            I've found it remarkably accurate to date. Uncovers tray to reveal a Magic Eight Ball.

SEIKO KILLER                     Amazing. I've always wanted one of those. How does it work?

ADA                                      You simply ask a question, agitate it about its center of mass, and wait for it to finish its complex set of calculations.

MR. BUTTHEAD                 Huh Huh. She said agitate it.

LEE PIERRE                          Ask if we'll get back home on time.

BAGGAGE                            Shakes the ball. Looks. It says, “Do I look like I care?”

LEE PIERRE                          Well....that's....definitely indifferent.

DOH NOH WEN                  Will the other freshman...um...first year students return to ...um...our university?

BAGGAGE                            Shakes the ball. Looks. “You decide. I'm tired of thinking.”

JUSTIN THYME                  Well, this doesn't advance our cause much, but don't worry Mr. Baggage, I'm sure this will be of great use to budding computer scientists in the future.

DOH NOH WEN                  Especially those with web pages.

BAGGAGE                            Ah, thank you, sirs.

LEE PIERRE                          Excuse me, Lady Ada, if you’ve got a moment I’d like to read a short poem to I wrote for you:

                                                Ode To a Gnurdly Woman

                                                She encodes Bernoulli in the night
with endless lines of formulae;
And all that Baggage cannot write
Of his engines, she will supply.

JUSTIN THYME                  Oh, I think it would be better phrased

                                                She codes in C, like a nerd
with dateless nights and coffee highs;
And all that's best of Slash and Dot
Meet the Internet on her sites.

ADA                                      Um. Thank you, gentlemen. It's not often men compose poetry for me. I would prefer some elegant code over your nice, yet sophomoric ode. Unfortunately, my father doesn't keep that kind of company.

LEE PIERRE                          Oh, don't worry milady. I'm sure you will not be overlooked by that kind of company in the future.

VHATSA TIME                   Well, thank you Mr. Baggage. Unfortunately, we must be going now. Her Majesty's analysts mustn't dawdle.

BAGGAGE                            Before you leave I have to share with you the strangest dream I had…

TTTO 1999

Performed by that guy some people call Prince for convenience

                                    I was dreamin’ when I wrote this, the opium was really strong
The world will soon be changing, the womens’ skirts won’t be so long
We’ll dispense with horse and buggy, and maybe with the steamship too
Using high pressure pneumatics, soon with the moon we’ll rendezvous

                                    Nineteen hundred, double zero and we need a new paradigm
We’d tell you all about it but we simply couldn’t make it rhyme
Nineteen hundred, naughty naughty, teatime over, and we’re out of time!
So tonight we’re going to party like it’s 1899.

Lee Pierre                               I’m never going to see her again! To Ada Can I have your number?

Ada                                        What, did you lose yours? Well, so long and fare thee well – Perhaps we will meet again in another time

BAGGAGE                            Come back next year and I’ll demonstrate the catatonic engine…

TIME TRAVEL FX

SCENE R      THE RUSSIAN REVOLUTION

EVERYONE                           Where are we?

DOH NOH WEN                  Everyone is rushing around...

LEE PIERRE                          Have we made it back to Rush?

BETONNA                            What do you get when mix vodka with vodka? More Vodka! Smeshno, Gha, gha, gha!

VHATSA TIME                   You’d think so, except all this talk about vodka is not appropriate Rushing behavior.

BETONNA                            Ah, but it is appropriate Russian behavior. Unfortunatly we have little else to offer. But with the ideas of Marx we shall soon have our fair share of the fruits of our labor, and the Communist dream shall be realized.

SEIKO KILLER                     Oh, Marx is great. My favorite is Zeppo.

EVERYONE hits him.

VHATSA TIME                   But didn't Marx foresee Communism rising out of capitalism? How do you think Russia jumped directly from a pre-industrial society to radical socialism?

TTTO Material Girl

Performed by Madonna

Jenn & Chuck            Monarchs starve me and oppress me
I think they're okay
But when the Marxists talk of freedom
I'm just blown away-ay
I can't strike and I can't protest
How could I forget?
And if this goes on for much longer
I'll form a soviet

Chorus                        Cause we are living in an agrarian world
And I'm[11] a proletarian girl
You know that we are living in an agrarian world
And I'm a proletarian girl

Jenn & Chuck            Some boys hang with Trotsky
And commit conspiracy
If they do I’ll have them purged
And then they’ll have to flee
Five year plans and cold war stands
Will heal our economy
But Gorbachev will turn his back and
Sink our currency

Chorus                        ’Cause we are living in an agrarian world
And I'm a proletarian girl
You know that we are living in an agrarian world
And I'm a proletarian girl

VHATSA TIME                   Wow, what a great introduction to the underpinnings of modern socialism!

Doh Noh When                    And what a performance! I’ve idolized “Betanna”  ever since she appeared in the movie “Who’s that revolutionary-concrete-worker”

Vhats Time                            Nevertheless, we do have to get back home. RAUL X., are we ready go?

RAUL X.                                It doesn't look good...I think I finally used up all the batteries we got from the Romans. The UPS isn't quite accurately named. An Uninterruptible Power Supply shouldn't stop working just because its batteries run out.

LEE PIERRE                          What! Our time machine stopped working? We're going to be stuck in the middle of the Russian Revolution forever?

JUSTIN THYME                  No, we won't. At some point the Communists will win, and then there will be the power struggle that results in Stalin's rise to power. And then there's The Great Patriotic War, the Cuban Missle Crises, the Afghan war, Chechniya, etc. The Russian Revolution is really a pretty short period in the Soviet timeline.

LEE PIERRE                          We still won't have the freshmen back on time!

DOH NOH WEN                  How much power does it take to travel through time, anyway?

RAUL X.                                Oh, not as much as you'd think. I mean, if your own body could navigate the fourth dimension at will, you'd only have to eat about twenty-two times as much as normal. Like running a couple of marathons in parallel. While wearing a Santa costume stuffed with plutonium. On Jupiter.

SEIKO KILLER                     So you're saying we just have to eat more? I bet we could find some great knisches around here.

EVERYONE hits him.

RAUL X.                                No, actually, there's something to that. We just have to combine two great tastes that taste great together!

VHATSA TIME                   What? Roast beef and horseradish?

LEE PIERRE                          Or sour cream and dill?

DOH NOH WEN                  Or suasage and … um … more sausage?

BETONNA                            What about vodka and Milk of Magnesia?

SEIKO KILLER                     What's that?

BETONNA                            A Phillips Screwdriver. Gha, Gha, Gha!

RAUL X.                                No, I mean digital potato clocks and the VLCA!

JUSTIN THYME                  The VLCA?

LEE PIERRE                          The Very Large Capacitor Array. We detonat... um ...demonstrated it last night.

RAUL X.                                Exactly. We can harness the chemical power of potatoes to drive the magneto-coupled turbo thruster, propelling us into the future, towards our goal. The problem is, we do need quite a few potatoes to make this work....

VHATSA TIME                   How many?

RAUL X.                                scribbling calculations on his script Um...it looks like about 22 tons.

BETONNA                            22 Metric tonnes. This is not the Imperialistic Running Dog United States of America.

RAUL X.                                22 Metric tonnes it is.

VHATSA TIME                   And do you know where we can get 22 metric tonnes of potatoes?

BETONNA                            There's only one person who can lay his hands on that many potatoes. The General Secretary himself.

JUSTIN THYME                  Look's like we'll have to go knocking on Lenin's door, then.

Some guitar licks of “Knocking on Heaven's Door”

Doorbell. Vhatsa Time makes a face – ringing changes to knocking

LENIN joins the scene.

VHATSA TIME                   Excuse me, Lenin, kind sir, we need 22 metric tonnes of potatoes, and we don't have much to trade. What do you want from us? Other than the secret of the nuclear bomb, the names of successful stocks, or the winners of the 1922 World Series, of course.

LENIN                                    I don't know. I have almost everything I could desire. The command of a large country full of valuable resources, the respect of my colleagues, the love of a good woman...what else is there?

Enter SEIKO KILLER with mummy from time machine

SEIKO KILLER                     Hey, look what I found stuck in the back corner of the time machine. It's my mummy!

LENIN                                    Stroking beard thoughtfully Is that a preserved body?

VHATSA TIME                   Yeah, I think it's from 2256 BC. Actually, probably a bit before that.

LENIN                                    Really? A body can be preserved that well for over four thousand years? I must have that! Perhaps I can serve my country in death as well as life! I'll be an inspiration to all good little comrade boys and girls.

VHATSA TIME                   Well, as I always say, "From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs."

LENIN                                    Excellent! I think I shall use that.

Exit LENIN with mummy and RAUL X.. RAUL X. returns with large bag of potatoes, perhaps with two big jumper cable ends sticking out.

RAUL X.                                Excellent! Everything I need is here. Attaches cables to time machine, presses big red button. Nothing happens. Oh shit.

LEE PIERRE                          What?

RAUL X.                                Well, now that we've got the power, we've lost calibration again. He continues to tinker

RAUL X.                                I think I've finally discovered what's wrong.

EVERYONE                           What now?

RAUL X.                                Well, it turns out that there's a particular key sequence you've got to press in order to invoke the menu for adjusting the mesoscale chronoverniers...

LEE PIERRE                          What's that?

RAUL X.                                The fine-grained sub-temporal potential adjustments that coordinate the ...

LEE PIERRE                          Interrupting I don't care about bloody chronoverniers! What is the key sequence?

RAUL X.                                Super-Hyper-Open-Apple-Meta-Exclamation.

DOH NOH WEN                  What?

RAUL X.                                slower Super-Hyper-Open-Apple-Meta-Exclamation.

ALL                                        slowly Super-Hyper-Open-Apple-Meta-Exclamation?

                                                faster  Super-Hyper-Open-Apple-Meta-Exclamation!

TTTO Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

Performed by Julie Andrews in Mary Poppins

CHORUS                   Super-Hyper-Open-Apple-Meta-Exclamation
Even though describing it will cause humiliation
If you try to type it your hands suffer degradation
Super-Hyper-Open-Apple-Meta-Exclamation

                                    Umdididility Umdilidi Umdididility Umdilidi

Lee Pierre                  Macintosh has some commands that sure as heck ain't terse
And if you type in Windows it could make a sailor curse
But I've discovered one command that blows them all away
The biggest line you'll ever find, and all you have to say

Chorus                        Is Super-Hyper-Open-Apple-Meta-Exclamation
Even though describing it will cause humiliation
If you use it often you'll cure temporal gyration
Super-Hyper-Open-Apple-Meta-Exclamation

                                    Umdididility Umdilidi Umdididility Umdilidi

Raul X.                       Once I stayed up every night and tooled till two or three
Till I got each problem right and Dad was proud of me
But now my thesis writes itself and I don't do a thing
My grades are great, they're all top rate, and all I do is sing        

Chorus                        Oh, Super-Hyper-Open-Apple-Meta-Exclamation
Even though describing it will cause humiliation
You just have to type it once and then go on vacation

RAUL X.                                Of course to undo it it's Shonam-axe-Atem-Elpa-Nepo-repyh-repus, but that's going a little to far don't you think?

LEE PIERRE                          Indubidably

Chorus                        Super-Hyper-Open-Apple-Meta-Exclamation!

[time travel FX, Doors close]

Act III

SCENE ONE – 1956

Time Travel FX

Vhatsa Time                          What year is it?

Seiko Killer                            I dunno, check your watch.

Tep check watches, then realize this won't work & hit him.

LEE PIERRE                          We'd better grab a newspaper and find out.

Vhatsa Time                          Picks up newspaper “Spuntnik Launch Just One Year Away; America Prepares to be Surprised” Looks like it's October 4th, 1956! We finally made it!

Raul X.                                   Now all we have to do is find Alan Turing.

Doh Noh Wen                      Who is Alan Turing?         

Raul X.                                   He's a famous mathematician who helped break the Enigma code during World War II.

Doh Noh Wen                      How can he help us?

Raul X.                                   Well, he's kind of the father of modern computer science. If we told him about the Y2K bug, people might actually listen.

Justin Thyme                        What kind of stuff did he work on?

Raul X.                                   Oh, you know, neural nets, artificial intelligence, non-linear morphogenesis theory...What is this, some kind of Turing Test?

Seiko Killer                            Hey guys, I don't think Turing can help us.

Vhatsa Time                          Oh, and what makes you so sure of that?

Seiko Killer                            Because his biography here says he killed himself with cyanide in 1954.

VHATSA TIME                   Doh! Well, programming computers could drive anyone to suicide.

Raul X.                                   I don't think that's funny.

Rosetta                                  Maybe we should go talk to Grace Hopper.

Seiko Killer                            The Diva of Disco! does a disco step She is so buff.

Rosetta                                  Not Grace Jones, you dolt. Grace Hopper, head of the cabal that developed COBOL.

LEE PIERRE                          I C, BASICally...

VHATSA TIME                   Hold it right there. We did a computer pun sequence LAST year, and it wasn't a BIT funny.

LEE PIERRE                          Well, you know the first rule of crock writing; if it isn't funny, repeat it until it is.

VHATSA TIME                   Lee Pierre, computer puns BYTE. We're not going to get stuck in some kind of INFINITE LOOP, trying to repeat it until it's funny.

LEE PIERRE                          Oh, all right. So Rosetta, tell us about this cobol chick.

Rosetta                                  She was an admiral, you know.

LEE PIERRE                          OK, tell us about this Admiral COBOL Chick.

Rosetta                                  sighs She just worked on stuff that lead to cobol. If we tell her that people will still be using crusty cobol in 1999, maybe she'll be able to change the language definition and avoid the Y2K problem.

VHATSA TIME                   Cool!  I'll just call her on my cell phone and...Man, Sprint PCS SUCKS! My call won't go through.

Rosetta                                  Clue Police, Whoo whoo! You're cell phone won't work – it hasn’t been invented yet. Here I'll call her on Tepophone – it uses technology that was old in the ‘50s.

Doh Noh Wen                      Tepophone? Here?

LEE PIERRE                          Tepophone – it's anywhere (or anywhen) you need it to be.

Rosetta                                  Operator, please connect me to Admiral Hopper.

Seiko Killer                            Hopper?

SMACK!

Vhatsa Time                          Let's sing a song about the people's glorious tepophone system while Rosetta's busy trying to save the world from future computational disasters.

TTTO "Silver Bells" Xmas Carol

                                    Dial tones and busy signals,
normal phones make these too,
And they're fine if you're needs are mundane.

                                    When time-traveling, plot unraveling,
Normal phones will not do.
If the call must go through you must use...

                                    Tepophone! Tepophone!
May that your relays keep switching!

                                    Ring-a-ling, Ding-a-ling,
Won't someone get that damn phone!?

                                    Tepophone wire, to the clothes dryer
And the washing machine,
Plus our twenty two new phones on Pluto.

                                    Tepophone is truly one of
The world’s greatest wonders,
And the wonder’s that it works at all!

                                    Tepophone! Tepophone!
May that your relays keep switching!
Ring-a-ling, Ding-a-ling,
Won't someone get that damn phone!?

Rosetta                                  Hey! You crooning losers! She's asking what to do about dates!

VHATSA TIME                   I ask myself the same question every Friday night!

Raul X.                                   How about unix time, signed 32 bit seconds from 1970?

Rosetta                                  OK. Talks a bit and then hangs up

Doh Noh Wen                      Wait, wait! 32 bit seconds run out in 2038!!! Use 64 bits!!

Rosetta                                  Ooops! Too late!

VHATSA TIME                   Oh, well, that's someone else's problem. We'll be heroes for solving the Y2K problem. Our only problem is...

Rosetta                                  ...we've had the freshmen out of the house since about 22,000 B.C.

Raul X.                                   ...the time machine needs several expensive parts...

Justin Thyme                        ...and what about paying our tuition?

All                                           Did you say tuition?

LEE PIERRE                          There's a song about tuition!

Justin Thyme                        Why would we sing a song about tuition?

Raul X.                                   We could, but we won't, yet.  But we do need to raise money.  I propose that, while we are still in 1956, we pool our financial resources and invest it in a collection of stocks which, if my calculations are correct, will result in a highly diversified portfolio with maximum ROII.

Vhatsa Time                          ROII? What's that?

Raul X.                                   Return on Outrageously Illegal Investment. We just need to buy the stock certificates and hide them somewhere at TEP so we can find them in 1999.

Doh Noh Wen                      Why don't we just take them back in the time machine with us? Wouldn't that be safer?

Raul X.                                   Yes, but then the certificates wouldn't age during the next 43 years, and we'd be accused of forgery.

VHATSA TIME                   So for once we're being smart instead of just doing the stupidest possible thing every step of the way. Where will we hide the certificates?

Seiko Killer                            Under the bike room floor with the albino plant?

LEE PIERRE                          Hidden in the secret tombs beneath the cars in the back lot?

Raul X.                                   No--it has to be the one place that no Tep would ever look...

Justin Thyme                        ...or disturb...

Rosetta                                  ...for the next 43 years.

pause

All                                           The cleaning supplies closet.

Vhatsa Time                          Oh, well, I suppose we can we scrape up some money…

Raul X.                                   Angrily Interrupting I don’t think you understand the importance of this – I’m behind on the last three year’s of tuition…
NO!
…and if I don’t pay the bursar this year…I mean…that year…ahh…in 1999, I won’t be able to graduate on time!

TTTO For The Longest Time

By Billy Joel

Jenn, Chuck, & Jofish
Got a call from MIT today
“Don’t show up if you aren’t gonna pay.
I will explain this—
This makes the tenth payment you’ve missed,
I do not think you’ll graduate on time.”

                                    Went to see the dean of student life
perhaps he could save me from this plight
I asked him sweetly,
Do you think that you can help me,
I really want to graduate on time.

                                    Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, I want to graduate on time
Oh, Oh, Oh, graduate on...

                                    “Had you gone to class just once last year,
‘stead of staying home and swilling beer
I might forgive you
Instead I’m gonna’ screw you
There is no way you’ll graduate on time!”

                                    “Furthermore you owe us forty grand,
We have to kick you out, I hope you understand,
All that money means a lot to us.
Please don’t make a fuss,
just pack your bags and be gone.”

                                    I got down and pleaded with the dean,
How could anybody be so mean
I’ll get a new loan
Work my fingers to the bone
I really, really want to graduate on time.

                                    The dean said “It is far too late for that,
Petitioning won’t work—I think you’re a rat.
You said you want help to leave this place,”
So he laughed right in my face
And he threw me out the door
So I guess I’ll never get my degree
Forget grad school or a Ph. D.
Professors bate me,
The administration hates me
There is no way I’ll graduate on time.

                                    No, No, No, No, I won’t graduate on time,
(Slowly)  No, No, No, I won’t graduate on time.

SCENE TWO-1999

Rosetta                                  We’re Back!

Lee Pierre                               In the Back Bay!

Vhatsa Time                          Back In The Back Back Back Bay!

TTTO “Back in what is now the Commonwealth of Independent States”

Performed by The Beatles

                                    Driving down the MassPike in a brand new Saab
Turning off at Copley Square
Stopping at DeLuca's for some Cornish Squaab
And a case of Perrier

                                    I'm back in the Back Back Back Bay
On Boston's Champs Elysee
Back in the Back Back Back Bay

                                    Working out in Weston for an S & L,
Gee, its good to play with stock
All our lies have made your life a livin' hell
Playing Fiscal Beat the Clock

                                    I'm back in the Back Back Back Bay
On Boston's Champs Elysee
Back in the Back Back
Back in the Back Back
Back in the Back Back Back Bay

                                    Well Eurotrash girls really knock me out[12]
as they bump and grind
With their Prada bags that they love to flout
It drives me out of my mi- mi- mi- mi- mi- mi- mi- mi- mi- mind

                                    Show me 'round your brownstone condos five floors high
Take me down to Daisy B's
Having kinky sex on private rooftop decks
Eating smoked Norwegian cheese

                                    I'm back in the Back Back Back Bay
On Boston's Champs Elysee
Back in the Back Back
Back in the Back Back
Back in the Back Back Back Bay

Raul X.                                   Now that we're back in 1999, all I need to do is retrieve the stock certificates from the cleaning supplies closet in the basement. Then we'll have a FANTASTIK $22 million dollars worth of SIMPLE GREEN that we can invest in a WINDEX fund and then get out of DETERGENTLY [debt urgently].

Raul X. exits

Vhatsa Time                          There will be a CASCADE of good CHEER when everyone realizes we PINE SOLved the Y2K problem.

LEE PIERRE                          I’d COMET that we did a TOP JOB, but IVORY [I worry] that ALL our JOY will go down the DRAINO.

Seiko Killer                            You're right--I doubt the phrase "Y2K" is even part of the folkCLOR; OXymoronically, a TIDE of resentment will WASH over us, just like when someone left head LYS-OL over the foam room.

Rosetta                                  Or when we had to "MR. CLEAN" up after the Chernobyl disaster--that was a real MOP-AND-GLOW operation.

Vhatsa Time                          Don’t worry about iTILEXplain it to the world [iT I’ll Explain]

Seiko Killer                            I can't resist the temptation...I have to say it...LIQUID PLUMBER?!!

Justin Thyme                        Hey, Can I borrow AJAXon five CD from someone [A Jackson Five]

LEE PIERRE                          What's that it your hand?

Seiko Killer                            It's my PALM OLIVE.

Doh Noh Wen                      Eit!

Rosetta                                  AMMONIA case, Lee, because it never DAWNed on you that PLEDGEing your heart to Ada would interfere with your TEPly duties.

Vhatsa Time                          By the way, where are the freshmen? I thought if we fixed Y2K problem, the freshmen would all be at MIT instead of Harvard.

LEE PIERRE                          I don't know where they are, but that's excellent foreshadowing.

Raul X.                                   returning They're not there! I just can't believe it!

LEE PIERRE                          What, that someone took the stock certificates?

Rosetta                                  No...that someone at TEP cleaned a bathroom in the last 43 years.

Raul X.                                   According the House Mangaler files, they used the stock certificates to, well, "restock" the Geoff Room. I'm afraid we'll have to actually go in there...

Vhatsa Time                          As the chancellor, it is my solemn duty to undertake this difficult and hazardous task. Goes backstage

LEE PIERRE                          Our Valiant Chancellor!

ROSETTA                             Even though he walks through the valley of the shadow of fust – he shall fear no evil…

Vhatsa Time                          Returning from back stage Oh, horror! horror! horror! Tongue nor heart cannot conceive nor name thee!

Raul X.                                   What's the matter?

Vhatsa Time                          Confusion now hath made his masterpiece!
Most sacrilegious defilement hath broke ope
The Lord's anointed temple, and stole thence
The life of the Geoff Room!!![13]

LEE PIERRE                          What’s that you say? The life?

Vhatsa Time                          The evil denizens of the fifth floor hath stolen all of the toilet paper!

LEE PIERRE                          Oh Fie, oh Fie, oh Fie!

Raul X.                                   And the stock certificates? What of my precious stock certificates?

Vhatsa Time                          Well, let’s just say they were DUMPed on the market – it was BOND to happen.

Raul X.                                   All of my pretty ones? Flushed down the toilet like so much worthless Internet stock?

Justin Thyme                        Well, as Jean-Luc Picard would say, "Those who rend the fabric of the space-time continuum will suffer the consequences of their actions."

Seiko Killer                            Whoa! Are you like, totally a TNG fan?

Justin Thyme                        Well, you know there are only two kinds of nerds...

Rosetta                                  Trekkies!

LEE PIERRE                          Ah hem...Trekkers!

Raul X.                                   That's "Trek-Americans" to you

Seiko Killer                            People of Trekness?

Justin Thyme                        ...there are only two kinds of nerds – Star  Trek nerds, and Star Wars nerds.

Doh Noh Wen                      That could explain why all of the freshman went to Harvard.

LEE PIERRE                          What?

Doh Noh Wen                      Well, we all know Harvard was heavily recruiting nerds and geeks this year, so that in the future they would have more Internet Billionaires to contribute to Harvard's endowment.

Vhatsa Time                          What kind of self-respecting, C-coding geek would go to Harvard instead of MIT?

Justin Thyme                        Well, check out this letter from Harvard...

Vhatsa Time                          Reading in snooty Hahvahd accent "We hereby extend, ahem ahem, with a myriad of mellifluous laudations, ahem ahem, the offer to matricuate with the 363rd entering class at the prestigious Harvard University, ahem, ahem the M.I.T. of Liberal Arts Colleges." Hmm. I still don't see the attraction.

Justin Thyme                        Read the postscript.

Seiko Killer                            I thought we weren't going to do any more computer puns.

Vhatsa Time                          "By the way, Natalie Portman, otherwise known to you Star Wars fan boyz as Queen Amidala of Planet Naboo, will be entering Harvard this year as a freshman."

LEE PIERRE                          So that's why the freshmen all went to Harvard. They've gone to the Dark Side. I feel sorry for them...by now they must be swimming in a sea of gov jocks and comp lit majors.

Rosetta                                  Well, I feel sorry for Natalie Portman.

Raul X.                                   We can probably get in touch with her using the miraculous holographic projection features of Tepophone. messes with some equipment

Enter Queen Amidala

Queen Amidala                     Greetings, Chancellor Vhatsa Time?

Vhatsa Time                          To Audience Why do people keep asking me that? To Queen Queen Amidala, my understanding is that Harvard has admitted an unprecedented number of nerds and geeks this year.

Queen Amidala                     Yes. They are causing a tremedous disturbance on the campus, and furthermore, their endless pickup lines have become tiresome to me...for example

enter nerdboys on stage due to the miracle of tepaholography

Nerdboy 2                             "Queen Amidala, would you like to practice integration by parts with me?"

Nerdboy 1                             "Queen Amidala, the Force is strong within me!"

Nerdboy 2                             "Queen Amidala, want to see my light saber?"

Vhatsa Time                          I don't know, Queen Amidala. I can only protect you. I can't fight a war for you.

LEE PIERRE                          Has the presence of a thousand nerds and geeks had further repercussions on the Harvard Campus?

Queen Amidala                     Yes. Allow me to replay a meeting in Harvard Yard from earlier this afternoon.

Nerdboy 1                             Our plan to turn Harvard students in to Quake playing maniacs is proceeding well, my apprentice.

Nerdboy 2                             At last we will reveal ourselves to future lawyers, politicians, and independent filmakers of America. At last we will have revenge.

Nerdboy 1                             Wipe them out. All of them.

exeunt nerdboys

Vhatsa Time                          Hmmm, I'm really not sure what we can do about that. Freshmen are pretty good at Quake.

LEE PIERRE                          I think we could beat them.

Seiko Killer                            Yeah, Tep Force 22 could take 'em out.

Queen Amidala                     I was not admitted to watch my fellow liberal arts majors suffer and get fragged in QuakeWorld while you debate this invasion in a committee! Remove these nerds and geeks from the Harvard Campus at once!

Vhatsa Time                          Queen Amidala! Queen Amidala! Her image is breaking up!

LEE PIERRE                          A communication disruption can mean only one thing...

Raul X.                                   ...Microsoft wrote the networking software.

Vhatsa Time                          We haven't much time. The future of both Harvard and MIT is at risk.

Rosetta                                  We just need to convince all of the nerdly freshmen they should transfer to MIT.

Seiko Killer                            Of course! We just need to list all of the great things about MIT!

LEE PIERRE                          Yes! Like..."At MIT, you can stay up tooling as late as you want?"

Raul X.                                   "At MIT, you'll get more problem sets than you can shake a sliderule at!"

Seiko Killer                            "At MIT, bathing is completely optional!"

everyone looks at him

Vhatsa Time                          Remember, Seiko, shower every single day...

All                                           ...Whether you need it or not!

Vhatsa Time                          Gosh. These aren't very convincing. What is cool about MIT?

LEE PIERRE                          At MIT, you learn how to do a semester's worth of work in one week!

Rosetta                                  ...Or a week's worth of work in one semester!

Raul X.                                   At MIT, you can start a company in your room with two of your friends and work yourself into a lather for four years until finally selling out for millions of dollars!

LEE PIERRE                          No – the best thing about MIT is that pretty much everyone here is a techno-loving nerd, so you feel like you're having fun with your friends even as you tool your butt off.

Vhatsa Time                          Ah, just thinking about these nerdiest of things brings tears to my eyes…

TTTO My Favor-eit! Things

                                    Neutron detectors and Ethernet packets,
Solar reflectors and matched curly brackets
Systems with masses and dampers and springs,
These are a few of the nerdliest things!

                                    Solving stress tensors and bathing in borax,
DNA sensors and combinatorics
Dark matter, stardust, and theories of strings
These are a few of the nerdliest things!

                                    Chip overclocking and fast phase loop locking,
Space station docking and TEP alums crocking,
Nuking a spammer with billions of pings,
These are a few of the nerdliest things!

                                    When you work nights,
When your prof eits,
When your roomate goes mad!
I simply remember the nerdliest things,
And then I don't feel so bad!

Doh Noh Wen                      Apropos of nothing, I have a question about the Crock.

LEE PIERRE                          Ask it. Enlightened you shall be.

Doh Noh Wen                      Why does each Crock have exactly two freshmen each year?

LEE PIERRE                          Ah, always two there are! Freshman 1 and Freshman 2

Seiko Killer                            Sounds like he's living "La Vida Yoda!"

Raul X.                                   typing I'm preparing to send out some instant messages to all of the appropriately nerdly freshmen at Harvard so that I can inform them of the advantages of transferring to MIT.

Seiko Killer                            Instant messages? Are you using AOL?

Raul X.                                   Gives the look of utter contempt I do not use A-O-Friggin-L.  My psionic neuralizer instant messaging system goes directly to their subconscious brains. They'll be able to immediately grasp the nature of their error and rationally make the required correction.

Rosetta                                  You are a scary guy.

LEE PIERRE                          You know, that Queen Amidala character seems awfully familiar to me.  Doesn't she remind you of Ada Lovelace from the Victorian Period?

Justin Thyme                        Now that you mention it, she did look pretty much identical. Raul X., can you re-open the holographic tepophone connection?

Queen Amidala appears

LEE PIERRE                          Ada? Is that you?

Queen Amidala                     uncertain Do I know you? I feel like I've seen you  before...

Seiko Killer                            Of course she's seen him before. She's the same person who played Ada in Act II!

LEE PIERRE                          Do you remember Charles Baggage? The Indifference Engine?

Amidala                                 This does all seem very familiar, as if I have been dreaming it for many years.

LEE PIERRE                          Do you perhaps recall my "Ode to a Gnurdly Woman"?

Amidala                                 Yes! How strange...I've often pondered that while reading ahead for 6.170.

Vhatsa Time                          6.170!!! I suspect the Queen is more nerdly than meets the eye!

Amidala                                 Alas, it is true; I am a geek as well. In truth, I am at MIT, even as we speak.

Seiko Killer                            If you are at MIT, then why does everyone think Queen Amidala is at Harvard?

Amidala                                 That is my brave and valiant bodyguard. While she bears an uncanny resemblence to me, I fear her intellectual interests are largely in the field of comparative cultural semantics.

Seiko Killer                            What does that mean?

Raul X.                                   It means she's working on a B.A. in B.S.

LEE PIERRE                          So if you're really at MIT, why didn't all of the Star Wars fans come here instead?

Amidala                                 Simple. They don't know I'm here.

Raul X.                                   type, type, type They do now.

Amidala                                 Oh, terrific.

Vhatsa Time                          It's working! Clearinghouse shows that hundreds of freshmen are transferring from Harvard to MIT!

LEE PIERRE                          Queen Amidala, I can't stop hundreds of nerd boys from hitting on you, but I can, well, join them.

Queen Amidala                     Well. smiles Well, we'll meet for a coffee, and then, who can say...

Raul X.                                   There's just one problem the freshmen will face when they transfer.

VHATSA TIME                   What's that?

Raul X.                                   Well, they've already paid money to go to Harvard...

Rosetta                                  ...And there's no way they'll get out of paying tuition to MIT...

Seiko Killer                            Which means we have to sing the Tuition song TWICE!

TTTO "Tradition"

                                    Tuition!           Tuition!           Tuition!
Tuition!           Tuition!           Tuition!

Leper                          When I was just a lad I studied hard at school you see
The thing I wanted most was to get into MIT
And now I'm here the end is near; my grades were good enroute. There's just one thing between me and that sheepskin from the 'Tute.

                                    Poor Student! Poor Student! Tuition!
Poor Student! Poor Student! Tuition!

Tappan                        I'm sorry to report to you we can't give you a loan
Your dad makes too much money that we'd like to call our own.
So borrow, beg, or steal, I don't care how you get the dough.
A second mortgage, sell the car, just pay me what you owe.

                                    The Bursar!    The Bursar!    Tuition!
The Bursar!    The Bursar!    Tuition!

Lifto                            Well son, I see your grades this term have not been all that hot.
You still won't get a haircut, my last birthday you forgot
Your brother and two sisters I still have to put through school
So if you think you'll get a dime you really are a fool!

                                    The Father!    The Father!    Tuition!
The Father!    The Father!    Tuition!

Jofish                          I came out east to go to school and try to learn a trade
And now I'm on the street 'cause they refused financial aid.
So I'll just have to take the only job that I can choose:
I'll open up a hardware store and sell left handed screws...

                                    Tuition!           Tuition!           Tuition!
Tuition!           Tuition!           Tuition!

Exit All. No, we don’t really sing it twice. Thank God.