Saving Freshman Ryan

A Disaster in Three Acts

An AlumXi Production. “AlumXi-The New Voice in Old Jokes”

The Crock Opera is constitutionally protected parody

(see Cambell v. Acuff-Rose, 62 U.S.L.W. 4169 (1994))

Dramatis Personnages:

BJCFR Henry Reese, Chancellor

Leper G. Gordon Giddy, Rush Chair
Airplane Safety Announcer

U5 Lugi Hawking: Smartest TEP

Big Bird Pinky: A dim witted TEP

Chuckles SoHo Clinton: One of Bill's other daughters. House Manager.

Jenn Long Steele Kate Winsock: Rich, shallow, and annoying woman
Flight Attendant

JoFish Leonardo De Tepreo: Young, cute, vapor-headed guy.
I.C. Waters

Freshman Forest Thump

Freshman Brian Ryan

Chairman Ken Starr

Morton Morton

Batman Ann Taylor

Music by Batman

Props by Rebecca Lantz

Reproductive Services by CopyCop

Act 0: Prelude

Doors closed. Announcer and flight attendant are both at front of room

Announcer Thank you for flying CrockAir. Please direct your attention to the attendant in front of you for some important safety information.

This Boeing 722 aircraft is equipped with two front doors, one rear door, two roof-deck exits, and several questionable fire escapes. Please take note of the exit nearest your row, and remember that the closest exit may be behind. In the unlikely event of a water landing [picks up chair, folded] your metal chairs can be used [drops chair on floor, clang] as an anchor. In case of sudden depressurization [opens club soda bottle, which spews out] 222 oxygen generators in the Deep Cave will spontaneously ignite, obliterating all evidence of criminal negligence on the part of CrockAir.

Should we encounter unexpected turbulence, flatulence, or pun sequence over the course of the crock, please make use of the air sickness bag found in the seat pocket in front of you. [looks at announcer, makes a face, picks up paper bag, pretends to use it] Should your bag be missing or filled, please use your neighbors lap [puffs out cheeks and looks over at the announcer, who steps away, swallows].

We know if you'd had any choice at all [holds up sign with coat hanger and circle/slash through it], you would not have flown CrockAir, so we'd like to thank you for comprimising the safety of yourself and your family in order to save a few bucks [picture of little bird going cheep]. This flight is a non-stop trip to hell; if your destination is not MIT [Not MIT sign], please disembark the aircraft at this time [exit sign].

To pass the time between takeoff and crash landing, we present CrockAir's in-flight movie..."Saving Freshman Ryan." Viewer discretion is advised, as this movie features disturbing portrayals of nerdly MIT students engaged in intense bouts of tooling, and begins with a long, graphic, and a highly explicit series of Monica Lewinsky jokes...

Audience Arhhhh!!!!!

Announcer …which we have mercifully edited out. This crock has been formatted to fit in our front room. Thank you and have a pleasant crock.

Attendant and announcer open doors

Act 1: Welcome to TEP

SONG: RUSH WEEK

sort of to the tune of Last Night by The Traveling Wilburys

The Deans at the 'tute

Said the question was moot.

Come 2001,

We'll put a stop to Rush fun.

You TEPs are to blame,

for all acid rain,

faulty ozone exchange

and world climate change

Rush week, thinkin bout rush week

Financial mess in Asia, Godzilla, what else did TEPs do?

They organized the Spice Girls, before that, they started World War Two!

You're the smartest and best.

Said Tech President Vest

That's why we want to do,

All of the choosing for you.

But the freshman are cool,

The alumni still drool.

So let's start the Crock.

Everything we will mock!

Rush week, thinkin bout rush week

Enter Henry, G. Gordon, Lugi, Pinky, SoHo

Henry [panicked] It's already Friday of rush week, and not a single freshman has come to the house!

G. Gordon Remain Calm; the freshmen aren't here yet because rush starts Saturday. [Looks at watch] They should get out of the Ancient Slovenian Language and Literature Midway any minute now. They'll be here soon...

Pinky Boy, back when I was freshman, we only had go to 37 Midways. Shouldn't we be running around getting things ready?

G. Gordon What's to do? The Quill was finished months ahead of schedule, the house is clean, everything's planned for, and the grape soder tanker trucks arrived yesterday. All the rest of the brothers are playing Quake down in the cluster…

Down In The Cluster

To The Tune Of “Down On The Corner” by Creedence Bongwater Revival

All Early in the morning, just about sun-up time
Over in the fishbowl, they’re starting to go blind
Four kids pound the keyboard, tryin’ to see the screen
Irving starts a game up, and crashes his machine

CHORUS: Down in the cluster
Out with the geeks
Better toss one in the shower
To reduce that musky reek

All Quake is what they’re playing, down in building two
Twitchin’ and a rockin,’ leaking Mountain Dew
Irving blasts his nailgun, but the monster ducks
Demon fireballs his ass, and Irving yells out, FUCK! [spoken]

All Down in the cluster
Out with the geeks
Better toss one in the shower
To reduce that musky reek

All As they’re busy playing, the rush chair charges in
He’s been using zlocate to find out where they’ve been
Screams out in a panic: freshmen coming soon
They say, THEY’RE JUST BREATHING HARD
rush chair’s brain goes boom.

All Down in the cluster
Out with the geeks
Better toss one in the shower
To reduce that musky reek

Henry Well, that’s all well and good, but how off budget are we?

Lugi Actually, we're well in the black. There was a bank error in our favor, Pinky here just won second place in a beauty pageant, and Stinky paid his housebill.

Henry No money troubles? No bad guys trying to kill us? No evil twins of Bill Gates fluoridating our water supply to contaminate our precious bodily fluids?

SoHo Bill Gates needs an evil twin?

Leo And rush is going to go great with all the good publicity and generous compliments MIT fraternities have been getting in Newsweek.

G. Gordon Hark! There's the doorbell... [knock]

G. Gordon I mean, there's a knock at the door [ring]

G. Gordon I mean... oh hell. [yells] Come in!

Henry Hey look, the freshmen are coming!

Pinky No, they're just breathing hard.

[Enter Forrest Thump, Freshman Ryan]

Bananas

To the tune of Bonanza

Welcome to TEP where we like to schlep Grape Soder
Welcome to TEP it's frosty and wet and it's caffeine-free!

Henry What's your name?

SoHo Where you from?

G. Gordon What'd ya like to be?

Welcome to TEP where the floors are swept Bimonthly
Welcome to TEP where the Crock's ineptly rhymed.

Thump Nice to meet you. I'm Forrest Thump, child prodigy and track star.

Henry Hi, I'm Henry G. Reese, the Chancellor. Have a grape soder!

[Hands frosh grape soder, which they hold in one hand and try to figure out how to still hold their scripts and be polite at the same time.]

Thump These scripts sure make it hard to be polite.

Henry I'll say...and it's going to be even harder in Act III!

G. Gordon I'm G. Gordon Giddy, the rush chair. Damn glad to meetcha!

Thump [turns to Lugi] Who are you and what do you do?

Lugi I'm Lugi Hawking.

Thump Indoors? [Makes a face] That's disgusting!

Lugi Lugi Hawking, son of the famous cosmologist Stephen Hawking. And this is my roommate, Pinky. He's a little slow of wit.

Pinky Hi! I just got back from a summer internship at Microsoft.

Lugi Why did Microsoft hire you? You're a complete moron!

Pinky Well somebody had to write Windows 98!

[enter Kate]

Kate Good evening gentlemen and kindly gentlewoman too,
Perhaps you have a female role that I could maybe do?
I am Kate Winsock and my name is all that you will need,
For I'm of famous Oxford U, my family pedigreed.

Leo I'm Leonardo de Tepreo, TEP's most gorgeous boy,
From the very sight of her, my heart is filled with joy,
Excuse me Miss, my name is Leo, and can I ask you why
In all the world why would you choose to come to Tee Eee Phi?

Kate I'm looking for a man you see, who really hits the books,
And loves me for my techie skills, not just for my good looks.
I heard the news of that Mech E world-wide design contest,
At engineering it would seem, the TEP boys are the best.

Leo Good heavens no! It sounds as if she's looking for a geek!
But I study philosophy, and French, and Ancient Greek,
I can't program computers and at physics I'm no tool,
But if I tell her I love art she'll think I am a fool!

Leo To win her heart I think I must devise a clever scheme,
I will pretend that I'm a nerd, a nerd in the extreme!
I'll spout off words like "DNA, robotics, crystalline!"
My knowledge will impress her so, her heart I'll surely win!

SoHo [disgustedly] I hate to interrupt this...discussion. I'm SoHo Clinton. I'm the house manager.

Thump Didn't Clinton's daughter go to Stanford?

SoHo You think he's got only one? [to Ryan] Hey, what's your name?

Ryan Ryan. James F. Ryan.

G. Gordon James Freshman Ryan?!? Wow -- every ILG at MIT has been trying to find you!

Ryan Why?

G. Gordon [putting arm around Freshman Ryan] I'm afraid I have some bad news son...you have three brothers, right?

Ryan Yes...is there something wrong?

G. Gordon I'm afraid so. We've gotten word that all three of them just graduated from MIT...in course VI-3.

Ryan [horrified] oh my God -- all of them?

SoHo That's horrible! No mother deserves to have all of her children become software engineers!

Ryan And we were so close. Growing up, we sent each other email every day.

G. Gordon That's why our mission is to find you, Ryan, and make to sure you make it out of MIT with your dignity and your carpal tendons intact.

Ryan But I had my heart set on going course 6. What ever shall I do?

Henry Well, you can wait a while before you decide.

Thump No---this year, we have to pledge a major by today. Otherwise we have to enter the course lottery and list our second, third, and fourth choices.

G. Gordon MIT's even crowding five people into a double major!

Henry Well, I see it like this...

I got the course right here

To The Tune Of “Can Do” (a.k.a. “I got the horse right here”) from Guys and Dolls

Henry I got the course right here
It's software engineer
Cause lack of jobs is something I'll never fear

Henry Six-three, six-three
I'll join MSNBC
Consult for a monstrous fee
Six-three, six-three

Kate I got the course right here
Go Course 15, it's clear
And I'll get paid to be clueless and insincere

Kate Sloan school, Sloan school
I'd much rather boss than tool
A hot tub, a Porsche and pool
Sloan school, Sloan school

Pinky I got the course right here
Chemical engineer
I'll draw my pay from a power-crazed mad emir

Pinky Chem E, Chem E
Produce sarin with great glee
You'll want to avoid the T
Chem E, Chem E

[Now do it as a round. Yes, that will take skill]

Ryan That's nice advice, but I still don't see why I shouldn't go course 6. What else could I do?

Henry FORTRAN-ing for the job market, you can't beat graphic design. You should learn to be VISUAL. BASIC-ally, if you can design a nice LOGO, you can easily go FORTH and become an ADA camp to some big executive.

G. Gordon As a POSTSCRIPT, people SHELL out the big bucks for artwork that TCL's their fancy.

Ryan I heard those PERLS of wisdom you SED...but I still feel AWKward about this new career.

Lugi ALGOLong with what Henry said. In the grand SCHEME of things, programmers just don't have a CLU.

SoHo Sure, they can PASCAL-culus, but they can't communicate.

Lugi They like to YAK about their code, but they LISP and are horrible at SMALLTALK. That's why signing you up for another major is our prime OBJECTIVE, C?

G. Gordon I know I'd COBOListic if I had to be a programmer.

Henry You could be a naval engineer! Then you could C the C, PLUS...PLUS design, ASSEMBLER weld boats! [“Plus design, assemble, or weld boats”]

Pinky [very anticipatory] Want some coffee?

Thump No, thanks.

G. Gordon [slight pause to let the lack of pun sink in] Didn't the administration give you course guides during your O-Week?

Ryan Our “O Week”?

G. Gordon No, just plain O Week.

Henry MIT raised its rates, so the letter “R” decided to sponsor the “Jerry Springer Show” instead.

Thump How come?

G. Gordon Because it's “rated R.”

SoHo It's a good thing we live in Boston.

Ryan Why's that?

SoHo No one here will even miss the letter ‘R’

Boston Song

To the tune of Feeling Groovy by Simon & Garfunkel

Slow down, you talk too fahst
Gotta let those ahs slip pahst
Like my beans baked and my meat chahhed
Pahk the cah in Harvahd yahd

dah dah dah dah Eatin' chowdah

Go back to Paul Reveah
He exclaimed "The Brits are heah!"
Woobuhn, Woostah, and Winchestah too,
Goin' to harbah, catchin' lobstah

dah dah dah dah Boilin' dinnah

Ain't been here long, but I know how to speak

Dorchester Marlborough And Peabody
Tea pahties and the Fenway a Ride on the T
Whehe'd the 'ah's go, Chahles Rivah

dah dah dah dah dah dah dah

[Watch Bradley for sign]

[Lugi leaves with chorus]

Thump Well, we're really glad to be here this year, and kind of relieved that nothing has gone wrong.

Ryan Yeah, we've heard rumors that TEP rush has been a little... different in the past.

Henry What do you mean?

Thump For example, is it true that last year you guys got conned by the Russian Mob and were stranded on the MIR space station?

Pinky Yeah, but that doesn't normally happen. Usually we get conned by people with easier accents to fake.

Ryan And the year before you were secretly bought out by Disney and made into a theme park?

G. Gordon Well, yes, but there were extenuating circumstances...

Thump And the year before that your brains were all turned to mush by Windows-95?

SoHo Wasn't everyone's?

Henry OK, so we've had a few minor problems in previous rush weeks. But things are different now. For example, we haven't been hit by an extinction-level asteroid for a couple of millennia.

[Dire chords, look briefly]

G. Gordon Yeah, and a giant lizard hasn't come out of the ocean and eaten MIT in, well, I don't know how long!

[More dire chords, a key up]

Leo Why a deadly volcano hasn't erupted in the middle of "Killian" Court in at least a decade!

[More dire chords, a key up]

Kate There hasn't been a psychotic murdurer who viciously hunts down media lab grad students in the order that they appear in Wired magazine in at least a year.

[Psycho theme vamp]

SoHo And it's been two weeks since 75 cruise missiles passed through the 4th back bathroom on their way to Afganistan.

[Wild Blue Yonder vamp]

Pinky And Chuck Vest hasn't compared us unfavorably with the AntiChrist since lunch. [Listens for chords...nothing]

Henry OK, so funny things do happen here at TEP...

Pinky Except during the Crock.

Henry ...And mistakes were made...

SoHo Mind-numbingly, earth-shatteringly stupid mistakes...

Henry But this rush we've got it under control. I assure you, absolutely nothing can possibly go wrong!

[From second landing]

Audience Plant on second floor ICEBERG! DEAD AHEAD!

[Foley: crash]

[All lean in unison to stage right, except Pinky who leans to stage left, gets quietly corrected by Rush, and then leans right].

Lugi [entering] Abandon house! We've hit an iceberg!

[Kate swoons into Leo's Arms]

Lugi I'm just back from the basement...the deep cave and the reactor room are both flooded, and the bike room is filling fast.

Henry Not only that, the roof leaks!

SoHo And Hobart is spraying hot water all over the kitchen!

G. Gordon And the second back toilet won't stop running!

Pinky Don't worry, I'll catch it!

Henry But surely, these leaks won't sink the house!

Lugi These brownstones were never meant to withstand all three basement rooms being breached.

Henry Wait! This is absurd! We're in a five-story house in the middle of the back bay, not some luxury liner! The house *can't* sink!

Lugi The house is made of brick sir. I assure you, she can. And unless we do something quick, in less than two acts she will.

[Exeunt]

Pinky [as leaving, to Lugi] Hey! What did you mean I'm slow of wit?!?

Interlude

[On Tape]

Ann Taylor For National Public Radio News in Washington, I'm Ann Taylor. Earlier today on Commonwealth Avenue (Boston's Champs Elysee), The Tau Epsilon Phi fraternity house struck an iceberg. NPR's I. C. Waters has more details.

I.C. Waters Apparently for the three hours preceeding the incident other fraternities in the area were sending out iceberg warnings. However, due to Rush week, TEPophone was in almost constant use showing off the random-reorder tapes, so these messages were never received. At 9:22 pm, the chancellor ordered full steam ahead, apparently to make up for the fact that their so-called "Crock Opera" was running late. Shortly thereafter, TEP struck the iceburg.

Ann Taylor I see, I.C., what exactly is this Crock Opera, and why has MIT allowed it to go on?

I. C. Waters Well, for the TEPs, it's some kind of Tradition

Audience Did you say tuition?

I.C. Water No! The MIT administration has already disavowed any responsibility in the TEP iceberg incident, but has imposed sanctions and mandatory Iceberg awareness classes on all MIT ILG members to avoid similar incidents in the future. MIT President Vest has also vowed that by the year 2001 all MIT freshmen will be required to wear water-wings and scuba gear until, quote, "they're old enough to cross the street on their own." Vest heralded the move as a major step in MIT's commitment to integrating student life and learning into more easily micro-manageable object-oriented modular segments. In Boston, I'm I.C. Waters.

Ann Taylor And in Washington, I'm Ann Taylor.

ACT 2. They’re small

[Kate and Leo enter separately – on either side of the stage]

Leo [asside[1]] The sudden shock of ice against the brownstone TEP house wall
Chills my blood with certain dread --- it's going kill us all!
I know this now, I love Kate dear, 'though sinking like a stone
My head is filled with amorous thought, I wish not die alone!!!

But hark through yonder portal comes, the object of my love
with hair as dark as midnight pearls, and skin as white as dove
And as she comes, dissembling I must do my nerdly best
to show her my most geekish side, and lay her doubts to rest.

[to Kate]

For if you have a moment Kate, I'd like to talk to you.
For TEP is home to many things that I can help you view.
And though we soon shall all succumb beneath the savage sea
I'd like to show the techie hacks installed at T-E-P.

Kate [aside] Forsooth, he is a clever lad, and quick upon the tongue
his words they speed my hamm'ring pulse, and surely he's well... young.
But I must test his acumen, insure that he is bright

[to Leo] Why, Leo, I would love to go, and walk with you tonight.

Kate How do you make that laser work that lases in the blues,
and how much voice compression does the music server use?

Leo I'm pretty sure a laser lays, but maybe it does lie.
As for how the sounds compress, a dozen PSI.

Kate How does TEP's nu-clear reactor work with its walls cement, (and)
And why did TEP decide to go with Unix management?

Leo An old opaque reactor works the same, but much more dim
A eunuch is an easy drone, his work's cut out for him.

[getting more suspicious, starting to test him]

Kate Make for me a bin'ry tree with illegal function calls,
And can you make a Kirby work and hardly suck at all?

Leo The tree that fits is wood that splits and leads a life of crime,
I've watched the brothers change the bag at least a dozen times.

Kate Tell me now exactly how you clean a carburetor
And how precisely do you use Hermitian's operator?

[loosing it]

Leo I'd use some soap and then I'd hope it would improve the flow (and)
An operator answers when 'er you dial “O”?

Kate I had such hope you'd be no dope---but nerd you're clearly not.
It would appear you've spent your years on looks instead of thought!
You're very cute, but failed my test, a most impressive task.
I have but one thing left to ask--"What are you, a dumbass?"

[Kate exit]

Leo Alas, I am slain. Where did I go wrong? What did she find lacking? Was it my… But wait, I’ve got it…

Cover of Wired Magazine

To the tune of "Cover of the Rolling Stone" by Dr. Hook

[A]Well I’m a hardcore geek
I got degrees in EECS
And I code everywhere I [E]go
I write in Java and I write in C
[E7]On a Mac or on a Pentium [A]Pro
I take caffiene pills
Eat more General Mills
Products than an A.D.D. [D]teen
I’m [E]goin' completely loco
but I can't get my photo
On the cover of [A]Wired Magazine

chorus [A]Wired Maga[E]zine
Wanna see my picture on the cover
[A]Maybe now I'll finally get a lover
[E]Gonna see this codin' geek
On the [D]cover of Wired Maga[A]zine
On the [D]cover of Wired Maga[A]zine

[A]I got libraries
of code in C
I got my very own do[E]main
I used to subscribe to Mondo
[E7]Till the smart drugs rotted my [A]brain
Me and Bill Gates
We're the best of mates
In public we've always bein’ [D] seen
But I'm [E]going completely loco
'cos I can't get my photo
On the cover of Wired Maga[A]zine

[chorus] [A]Wired Maga[E]zine
Wanna see my picture on the cover
[A]Maybe now I'll finally get a lover
[E]Gonna see this codin' geek
On the [D]cover of Wired Maga[A]zine
On the [D]cover of Wired Maga[A]zine

[A]I got a lot of little teenage
blue-eyed geeks
Who can crack any system I [E]say
I got a genuine hardware guru
He's building me a better [A]Cray.
We've been known to offend
Those who walk by
By the smell of our unwashed [D]jeans
I’m [E]goin' completely loco
But we can't get my photo
On the cover of Wired Maga[A]zine.

[all enter wearing water-wings, swimsuits, snorkles, etc]

Henry OK guys, the water level is rising. We need a plan to save the house!

[all sit around and think]

Lugi A brilliant idea!

All What?

Lugi That's what we need. A brilliant idea.

Forrest Thump [reading] Hey, did you know that you can be severely injured in just a cup of water?

G. Gordon How?

Forrest Thump[reading] Um, apparently by sticking your finger in the cup and then dropping a hair dryer in it.

SoHo What is that book anyway?

Forrest It's MIT's new Water Safety Guidlines.

Henry Let me see that -- maybe it'll have some good advice [takes guide] ... it says here that water throws your electrolytes out of balance...

SoHo ...that water can cause kidney failure or pneumonia...

Pinky ...dilute your stock options…

Lugi ...and it can cause severe sinus infection if inhaled.

Henry [to audience] Remember, if MIT asks you if you've ever had a glass of water, tell them you didn't inhale.

G. Gordon They even have a quote from noted safety advocate Richard Kramer: "Swimming pools kill more people each year than assault rifles and concealed handguns combined."

Pinky I had no idea water was so dangerous. Next time I see some guy on the street packing a swimming pool, I'm gonna call 911.

Henry It says here that water can even be frozen and used to bludgeon small, cute, furry animals!

G. Gordon Why, there's a song about small cute furry animals!

All No!

Ryan I see you have some very interesting people living here.

SoHo We try.

Henry Look, we've got to do something fast. The water's risen another 22 inches while we've been flaming.

Leo Kate, we must explore the deep cave immediately!!

Kate But why Leo? It's full of water! It's the dumbest possible place we could go!

Leo We're contractually obligated to have at least 30 minutes of footage of us wandering around in the basement as the torrents of water rip off pieces of our clothing!

Kate Oh OK.

[exit Leo and Kate]

Pinky I know! We can drill another hole to let the water out!

Lugi We can use the fission reactor to electrolyze the water into hydrogen and oxygen, and airlift ourselves out of this mess.

SoHo Float our way out just to crash and burn in Northern New Jersey[2] like the Hindenberg? No thanks.

Henry She's right. New Jersey's pretty bad.

Ryan You guys have a fission reactor?

Pinky We did, but then we lost our fishin' license.

Lugi Well, how DO we make the house float?

Pinky One glass of root beer, two scoops of vanilla ice cream, and a house!

Thump After that I need some Milk of Magnesia

Henry What for?

Thump You mix it with Vodka to get a Philips screwdriver!

All Definite bid material!

Henry Who wrote that old joke anyway?

Pinky Mike Barnicle

SoHo Look, we've gotta start bailing out the basement!

G. Gordon What, with currency devaluations, financial reforms, and loan packages?

SoHo No you idiot! Here -- start a dixie cup brigade.

Pinky Wasn't that one of General Lee's divisions?

[start passing cups. All pass down to Pinky, who starts passing them back. Cups get passed in both directions. Once it gets back to the end guy, he starts drinking it to get rid of it.]

SoHo The water's coming in as fast as we dump it out!

Pinky Try drinking it...that'll get rid of it.

Lugi Hey, where did you get all of these dixie cups anyway?

Pinky I found a whole bunch of them in this nice red plastic bag outside of a fertility clinic in Cambridge.

[brothers spit out water]

Lugi This isn't working! We’ve hit Crock Bottom – It can’t get any worse than this…

Henry Oh, that’s not true at all – it could be much worse…

It Could be Much Worse

to the tune of “It’s all for the Best” in Godspell

Brad When you feel dumb

and know you can't pass

your brain's gone numb

you've dropped your last class

your prof's berating, stating

there's no chance of graduating

physics you're cramming and

Newton your damning and

MIT's ramming your ass

your sex life ain't great

at best it is calm

your last hot date

was with your right palm

well don't forget that

though you think your

life's under a curse

Yes! It could be much worse...

Leper you could be bit by rabid fleas
lopped off at the knees
get a gross disease in your tummy
bumped upside the head
jumped on Ôtill you’re dead
shot all full of lead by a dean
eat worms until you're sick
turtle-wax your dick
have a seat & stick where it's gummy
get slapped by a haddock
and stabbed through the spleen
you could have bunions on your feet
warts upon your seat
be the G.M. fleet crash-test dummy
get hit by a tree
get splenectomied
go and take a pee with Chuck Vest
get reamed by your landlord
and hung with a lamp cord
though terse, it could be much worse...

repeat both together

Yes! It could be much --

Brad get carted off inside a hearse
Yes! It could be much --

Leper have to sing this unrehearsed
Yes! It could be much --

Both there could be another verse!
Yes! It could be much worse!

G. Gordon Wait -- I've got an idea!

[G. Gordon exits, returning with spring water and holding water like Vanna White.]

Lugi Hello and welcome to the TEPco Home Shopping Network! What've we got for sale today SoHo?

SoHo Well Lugi, today we've got a rare shipment of Back Bay Springs pure and natural spring water.

Lugi Made from 100% pure and natural Charles River Water. How much would you expect to pay for these fine bottles? $22 each? $44 each? Well for a limited time we're practically giving them all away for only $2.22 each! Yes, that's right, a steal at half the price!

SoHo And you know Lugi, we only have 10,648 bottles left for sale...

Lugi ...and climbing. But the best part about Back Bay Spring Water is it's alternate name, Toidi diputs [Twa-dee Di-Pyu]

SoHo Oooh, that sounds very chic! That's French, isn't it?

Lugi Well SoHo, you know how Evain spelled backwards is “Naïve”? Our name spelled backwards is “Stupid Idiot.”

SoHo But best of all, for a limited time we're offering Back Bay Springs Water through a multilevel marketing strategy.

Lugi Tell me, SoHo, how exactly does that work?

SoHo That's where we sell water out of the first floor window until it goes under, and then sell out of the second floor window until IT goes under, and then the third floor window until IT goes under.

Water at old TEP

To The Tune Of Beer, Beer

All Wa - ter at old Tee Eee Phi
We're sinking fast so you'd better buy!
Phone those orders quickly in,
or use secure web transaction.

All We ship out cases soon as you call,
FedEx deliv'ries blooter and small,
While three quarters of us all
Are caulking the TEP house walls.

Henry If you're thirsty anywhere (Anywhere)
Back Bay Springs can soon be there (Soon Be There!)
If you need a swig at one or two or three
We'll arrange delivery

All While the newest freshman take their swim test in our front room

G. Gordon Your bathtub is near empty now
fill it, fill it,
If you don't bathe in our stuff
You'll end up smelling worse.

All While our loyal chancellor is bailing the kitchen sink

Pinky Our water's like that French stuff Perrier,
They say it's true,
Cause long before the water's bottled,
We've added benzene too!

All While half of the brotherhood is titrating toxic waste

Leo Water, like what is in Loch Ness,
Water, can help us clean a mess
Water---says Clinton's daughter---
SoHo It should have been used, to wash out that dress.

All We cannot swim and we cannot float
Better start looking for a lifeboat
While three-quarters of us vote
to save it for water war

Ryan So what happens when the water level gets up to the roof? You guys do have an adequate number of lifeboats, don't you?

Pinky We've got a nice blue bathtub! It'll float!

Thump According to Rule III.A.3 of the MIT Water Safety Guidelines we're not allowed to get into a bathtub without a life preserver!

Leo Really?

Thump It gets worse...Rule VI.A.1 on page 156 says “For safe showering, all students must wear protective Latex garments before engaging in hygienic practices.”

Ryan And Rule II.Z.224 says you can't go to a water fountain without a buddy.

G. Gordon This is crazy. MIT is getting more bureaucratic than the government.

Thump Bureaucracies hate change - maybe MIT won't allow the house to sink.

Lugi Oh, they'll let it happen. But I'm sure very heavy fines are involved.

SoHo I wish we could declare TEP a disaster area.

Henry TEP is a disaster area.

Lugi So what else is new?

Henry No really. TEP is an official disaster area.

G. Gordon How did you do that? Doesn't that need the president's signature?

Henry Yup, I signed it myself.

Pinky After all, at TEP, everyone is a president!

SoHo But surely, being president of TEP won't be good enough for the Feds!

Henry Actually, we're better than that, and don't call me Shirly. After the president got impeached, Ken Starr prosecuted the vice president, then the speaker of the house, all the way down the chain of command.

G. Gordon Everyone's been impeached? What about the secretary of defense?

Henry He was shot down.

Lugi The secretary of argriculture?

Henry uprooted

Ryan The Secretary of Education?

Henry Expelled

Thump Secretary of transportation?

Henry Shipped out

SoHo What about the Postmaster General?

Henry He was Cancelled…

G. Gordon …And then he went postal!

Pinky What about the Whitehouse interns?

Henry They all went down.

Lugi But that just leaves MIT's junior assistant toilet unclogger?

Henry He wasn't willing to take a less prestigious position.

G. Gordon So who's left in the official line of presidential succession?

Kate With the way Ken Starr has been publicly lynching every elected and appointed official in the Government, no one else in the U.S. wanted to be President. It turns out there was an election yesterday, and Noise Bitch wrote TEP in to get rid of you, and well, you came in first place.

Thump Where did Bill Clinton come?

SoHo You don't want to know.

G. Gordon I'd rather pull all my fingernails out by the roots and repeat five years of MIT than be President of the United States.

Henry But if you were to be a freshman all over again, you'd have to pay several more years of...of...tuition.

Thump Isn't there a song about tuition?

Henry Yes! But I think you'll all like this one better.

Tooling 8.01

to the tune of "Walking on the Sun"

All Had no intent to be the US president,

With no consent we are now the establishment,

Workin' all day with fat-cat patrician politicians

Soft money it ain't too moral but its payin' our tuition.

Wasn't fun to run, but in the end we had won,

We moved to Washington after the campaign was done.

And now we're living with misgivings in the Oval Office

Renting out the Lincoln bedroom in this grand edifice

CHORUS So don't look now, we TEPs have taken charge of the place,

It's been avowed that our management's a total disgrace,

We are not saying it's not, but feel this job sucks a lot.

The work ain't fun, We might as well be tooling 8.01

All The workday starts at four, soon as we get up, got to set up

Legislation for the nation, never gonna let up.

And yet we're still here late, trying to help Kuwait

Get back on track from the attack and major sack by Iraq.

Now the god damn press - they want a quote from me,

And they're talkin' 'bout our hem'roids and hangnails on TV,

And the voters are a pain, their brains are in the drain

Mistake "election" for "erection" - we are going insane

CHORUS So don't look now, we TEPs have taken charge of the place,

It's been avowed that our management's a total disgrace,

We are not saying it's not, but feel this job sucks a lot.

The work ain't fun, We might as well be tooling 8.01

All It ain't no joke when opinion polls say who you poked

And Everyone cares if you inhay-led when you toked

Our bills are fucked up so suck up and try to pass the buck up

Mr Gingrich is afire to go nuke Eastern Europe

so we sit back, take flak, and watch our ass get floor waxed

here at TEP our shiny world is under attack

Put away the crock before the crock puts you away

You'll want to leave here once your brain is warped enough to decay

CHORUS So don't look now, we TEPs have taken charge of the place,

It's been avowed that our management's a total disgrace,

We are not saying it's not, but feel this job sucks a lot.

The work ain't fun, We might as well be tooling 8.01

might as well be tooling 8.01

Exunt, Stage Centre

Act 3: Daaaahh[3]

[Enter all TEPs except Kate, Pinky & Leo]

[Piano Vamp Hail To The Chief]

Henry Well for better or worse, we're the collective President. At least now we have disaster aid.

G. Godon Yeah, if you can call a retired National Guardsman, two mops, three buckets and Twenty-two thousand e-coli-infested kitchen sponges aid!

[Enter Ken Starr from front door.]

Ken Starr Beware Ne'er-do-wells! I am Ken Starr, scourge of politicians and other sexual deviants everywhere! I'm here to investigate the new president -- rumor has it he's already going down on something!

Henry Unless we man the lifeboats first. Listen Mr. Starr, I assure you you will find no example of inappropriate sexual conduct here!

[There is a yelp from Kate, then Enter Kate and Leo from front room, disheveled.]

[ piano vamps hail to the chief]

Starr [suspicious] We'll see. I'm going to do a little investigation. I'll be back. [exits over to front desk, flirts with audience member]

[Enter Pinky; Piano Vamp 3 Stooges Theme, Piano Player Chortles with Glee]

[Pinky reacts upsettedly to Piano Vamp]

Pinky Hey, Guys, the water is at the upstairs kitchen now! Do I still have to do my work assignment?

[Whack]

Henry It seems like there is nothing that can be done to keep the house from sinking. It's time to give away our most cherished possessions, say our goodbyes, and cue up the Celine Dion CD.

G. Gordon I've still got my bag of candy from last Halloween.

SoHo Me too!

Kate I have some snooty European confections!

Pinky I've got this piece of used chewing gum.

Henry I was going to CHOC O LATE of candy overboard, but I'd rather trade for things I like NOW OR LATER.

SoHo you're a JOLLY RANCHER, Henry. Let's do it now...I want moMENTOs of our final hours together.

Ken Starr [entering from side] But soft! What sweet sound of scandal from yonder doorway breaks!?

Henry I'll give you all my KISSES if I can get my hands on your BIT-O-HONEY.

SoHo You can have my CHOCOLATE COVERED CHERRY if I can grab your NUT CLUSTERS and SKOR your MR. GOODBAR.

Leo What's up with HER? SHEY'S SYRUPtisiously touching REESE'S PIECES.

G. Gordon Hmmph. I've seen REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER CUP, and I bet his RAISINETS are pretty small compared with my NUTRAGEOUS JAWBREAKERS.

Henry So what if I've got SOUR BALLS? My TOOTSIE ROLL is bigger than that of THREE MUSKETEERS put together!

SoHo OH HENRY! I'd like to see that SPECIAL DARK, $100,000 BAR of yours!

Leo Kate, answer me earNESTLE...are your WUNDERBAR MOUNDS real, or are they just MILK DUDS?

Kate Leo! My mounds are soft, fresh and 100% natural. Are you looking for some AL-MOND JOY?

Leo I'd love to put my CHUNKY WHATCHAMACALLIT TWIX your PEPPERMINT PATTIES!

Kate Oh Leo, Oh, Leo, Soon it will be PAYDAY!!!!

Starr Listen to their CHUCKLES and SNICKERS!!! I'll bet they're into leather, bondage and M&M! It's time Ken STAR BURST in and put a stop to their disgusting sex SPREE.

Kate Oh Leo! You left your MILKY WAY on my dress! Now it's all GUMMY! BEAR with me while I get it off.

Leo What do I do now? LICORICE and TWIZZLER?

Pinky But you just met her!!! [whack]

Ken Starr [entering] This disgusting activity is illegal and must be stopped!

Thump You mean the "ER" jokes?

Ryan Or the horrible candy bar puns?

SoHo If telling bad pun sequences were against the law, we'd be cell mates with Ted Bundy by now.

G. Gordon [to Pinky] What are you doing?

Pinky Trying to get the LINDT out of my belly button.

SoHo You better get that "last request" ready, Pinky, 'cause you're gonna fry.

Ken Starr Fools! It is your illegal, immoral and hyperactive sex life I envy, and which I must therefore destroy! Admit guilt, or prepare to be subpoena-ed!

Henry Hyperactive sex life? Not!

G. Gordon Active sex life? I don't think so!

SoHo Extant sex life? Not in my lifetime!

Pinky Sex? that's after five.

Lugi The only thing getting it around here is our Chancellor's right hand.

Ken Who?

Henry Henry G. Reese, Chancellor of TEP. [shakes Starr's hand] Have a Grape Soder!

Ken Starr [Looks at hand] Uuggggghhh....

G. Gordon Oh Mr. Starr, please understand, we are as innocent as lambs!

SoHo They're as guilty as sheep[4].

Ken Starr [Aside] Not one iota of sexual activity around here? Drat! I've spent $22 million dollars secretly investigating and wiretapping the TEPs, and I haven't captured a single video which is worthy of posting on my web site!

Thump Mr. Starr, if the TEPs have done nothing wrong, shouldn't you stop harshing on them?

Ken Starr [fake soothing Mr. Rogers voice] You're right. All my little neighbors gather round! I have some candy for you, right here in my pocket. Do you want to reach in and get it?

SoHo Not really.

Ken Starr Here are some nice blue pills...err, nice blue flavored candy. Wouldn't you like some?

Teps Sure!

Henry Cool! Maybe I'll get double power shot ability or extra speed!

SoHo You don't need the extra speed...you're too quick already.

Ryan Uggg!! This tastes really bad for candy! What is it?

Ken Starr [menacing voice] A super-hyper-mondo-extra strength dose of Mycoxafallin Hydrochloride!

Thump What's that?

Lugi Good shit! It's Viagra!

Ken Starr Yes, it is Viagra! In a dosage specially made up for a 5 ton bull elephant in Tanzania with prostate cancer! Soon you will not be able avoid becoming the "Stars" of my next video! Blah ha ha ha!!!! [starts to exit, then returns]

Ken And just to make your life worse, I will be serving subpoenas on all of you. I'll see you [2 beats] in court!!!

[TEPS stick props in their pants]

Pinky Man...I'm feeling kinda...

Henry ...cucumbered!

Thump What are we going to do? The house is still sinking like a rock!

Ryan The house isn't the only thing rock-like around here!

It’s A Rock Hard Life

To The Tune Of “It's a Hard Knock Life” in Annie

All It's a rock-hard life for us!

It's a rock-hard life for us!

Henry Got a woody,

All That won't die!

G. Gordon Got it strapped down,

All To my thigh!

It's a rock-hard life!

Hard to walk without a limp,
When your pants contain a blimp.

Pinky Hard to get our,

All Zippers free!

Leo Make a mess each,

All Time we pee!
It's a rock-hard life

Henry Don't you hate all the pressure it's exertin'

G. Gordon Don't it chafe when you're walking down the street

Pinky Don't it feel like your wrist is always hurtin'

Leo You're aching for a quart of liquid heat.

Henry Don't I wish I was not a couch potatah

G. Gordon Then I wouldn't have to suffer this abuse

Pinky If only we had dates instead of data

All At least then we could put this to some use!
Oh!

Got no blood flow to my brain
Even two plus two's a strain
It's so hard to get along
When you can't control your schlong!

It's a rock-hard life!

[Exunt, except for Leper]

This afternoon in this room, from this chair, I testified before the MIT Office of Independent Counsel.

I answered their questions truthfully, including questions about my private life, questions no MIT graduate would ever want to answer. Questions like, "Why did you move to Cleveland, anyway?"

As you know, in a deposition in January, I was asked if the Crock Opera would be funny this year. While my answer was legally accurate, I did not volunteer information.

Indeed, in the first two acts of this year's crock, we did make jokes that were not appropriate. In fact, they were wrong. The telling of these jokes, and in particular that candy bar pun sequence, constituted critical lapse in judgment and personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible.

I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of having yet another Crock starring Bill Gates as the antichrist. I was also very concerned about protecting my fellow alumni. They were funny once, but now they just show up each year and drool on the carpet.

This has gone on too long, cost too much and hurt too many innocent people.

And so tonight, I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of the past two acts, to repair the fabric of our Crockly discourse, and to return our attention to all the challenges and all the promise of the third and, thankfully, final act.

[enter all bro’s, not kate]

Lugi What are we going to do now? Not only do we having near-lethal levels of raging hormonal imbalance, the house is going down!!!

Pinky On whom?

Henry [with pole up butt] We can't allow ourselves succumb to the urge to rip off all of our clothes and satisfy every one of our multitudinous sexual desires!!!

Leo Why not?

Henry Ummm...let's see now...there was a reason...

SoHo Henry, if you take your clothes off, the toxic visual radiation emanating from your naked body will kill every living thing within a 50 mile radius.

Henry BESIDES that reason.

G. Gordon there is one good thing about this.

SoHo What?

G. Gordon I've got a lab due tomorrow, and I need to tool really hard tonight.

Pinky What do you get when you mix Gin, Vermouth and Viagra?

Lugi What?

Pinky A really stiff Martini.

SoHo These Viagra jokes are so flaccid.

Lugi We must use the weapon of last resort...the one thing that will bring impotence down upon even the Fabios among us.

SoHo You don't mean...

Lugi Yes...Physics lectures. And since we don't have a lot of time, I'm going to recite my favorite Quantum Mechanics Lecture, Ever!

All Uhgghhh!

Lugi First, we readily calculate that the commutator of A and A-dagger is 1. We also define the number operator N to be A-dagger-A, which is obviously Hermitian. As you will show in problem 22f of this week's problem set, the well known commutator of position and momentum clearly show that N and the Hamiltonian can be simultaneously diagonalized, implying discrete energy eigenvalues of the simple harmonic oscillator.

G. Gordon It's working! I'm down to the size of a watermelon!

SoHo A bit of advice--don't mention that to Krevice.

Lugi As you have no doubt realized, the non-Hermitian nature of the annihilation operator, A, clearly implies that its characteristic solutions must be semi-infinite superpositions of energy eigenstates which do not suffer from the stationarity of the single number states.

Henry I'm shrinking!

Leo Whoa! Something just popped!

Pinky Gee, nothing seems to be happening. I wonder what all these funny symbols in the book mean?

Lugi A simple step to the mesoscopic realm then allows us to examine solutions of oscillators with continuously variable mean excitation values composed of an infinite number of quantized states. Of course you see where this leads - inescapably we draw connections to the second quantization of light. The intuitive leap from oscillating particles to the quantization of electromagnetic radiation and then to the standard model...

Henry Wow. This is great. I think I'm going to major in Physics now.

Pinky Did the treatment work for the rest of you? My tray table is still stuck in the upright, locked position.

Lugi That's because you didn't have any blood in your brain to begin with.

Henry We've escaped from Ken Starr's evil plot, but we still have to answer his subpoenas.

SoHo We need a lawyer.

[enter Morton]

Are you tired of dealing with lawyers who don't know dick? Have you been represented by legal counsel that can't tell harassment from a hole in the ground? Our firm handles any individual with tangible assets and/or attractive physical attributes. If you've been injured in an accident - even if it was your own damn fault, we can still get money for your injuries! Whether you've been injured on the job, suffered wrongful death or unsightly disfigurement, or become the target of a political witch-hunt, we can help you while enriching ourselves. But, I think one of our clients can tell you the best reason to call Morton and Associates:

Pinky G. Morton Slimeball Got me Cash [snaps the $1] for my injury!

[Morton puts hand on shoulder and smiles]

Call 1 (800) (K)NO(W)-DICK

Morton and Associates, because

"Morton Knows Dick about Law!"

[Morton turns to SoHo]

Morton I'll take your case. Just sign away all of your assets here, and I will defeat evil Kenneth Starr using the ancient art of Tort-Kwon-Do.

Henry Well, OK.

[enter Ken Starr]

Ken Starr As promised, I am serving subpeonas on all of you.

Pinky no, thanks, I'm not hungry [Morton Backhands the Idiot]

Morton I quash your pathetic subpoenas and counter-file a harrassment suit, using the Double-Tiger-Claw block.

Ken Starr I bring in your clients' mothers to testify against them, scoring a full body slam!

Morton I object, and counterclaim for malicious persecution and seek treble damages using the Whirling Fists of Feng Shui![5]

Ken Starr I bounce off the ropes and retort with a score of torts against the TEPs!

Morton I combine complete transactional immunity with the Secret Spinning Tornado Back Kick of the Ninjas and a pox upon your house, Pig Felcher!

Ken Starr Oh! I am slain!

[Morton wins. He screams in victory and goes back into front room.]

Pinky Oh my god!!! He killed Kenny!

All You Bastard!

Henry We got rid of Ken Starr! But what about the iceburg damage? We're probably sunk beneath the waves of the Charles by now!

SoHo Actually the water appears to have subsided. Everything is fine, just fine.

Henry But how could that be? We hit an iceburg! There were Huge Gaping Holes in the house! Ice floes were seen running through the kitchen! We were facing Certain Doom in a very tragic and plot-motivating way!

SoHo Well, on further inspection it turns out we didn't hit an iceburg after all! It was just the sound of our noisy Back Bay neighbors having a party.

Henry But the Ice floes... the water... the sweeping romantic music!

SoHo It turns out the water was just from 5th back[6], the rubble was just Pinky's exotic gravel collection, and the ice formed when we confused the liquid nitrogen with the grape soder for science night.

Pinky How sublime!

Henry You mean everything that has been going wrong has been one big misunderstanding after another? What, are we trying to Shoot The Moon in Stupidity?

G. Gordon Look at it this way: The house is in one piece, we're not floating out to sea, the crock is almost over, and we now have our own indoor swimming pool.

[enter Kate, Leo doesn’t see her]

Leo Well, things may be going well for you guys, but I’ve lost the love of my life, the woman of my dreams. Now, fie upon my false nerdliness!

When I come to woo ladies, I fright them.
But, in faith, Kate, the elder I wax, the better I shall appear:
thou hast me, if thou hast me, at the worst;
and thou shalt wear me, if thou wear me, better and better:
and therefore tell me, most fair Katharine, will you have me?

Kate Put off my maiden blushes;
avouch the thoughts of my heart with the looks of an empress;
take thee by the hand, and say 'Leo of Tep I am thine?'
Henry the Fifth. Tell me Leo, do you love the classics as I do?

Leo Fair Kate I do regret my putting on those nerdly airs;
I study French, art history---my future job's welfare.
I love to read and memorize, all these things are true
But also true's the fact that I have thrice failed 8.02!

Kate Silly boy, if from the first you had but spoke your heart
We'd not have spent Act II's travails so angstful and apart
Fear not, for I shall love thee despite thy sorry plight,
Come with me, for we shall walk, and hold hands close tonight!

[exit lovers]

Pinky Well, that's awfully chaste of them.

SoHo: This Crock can use some chastity.

Lugi That's all great except for one thing I just got the bill from our lawyer - We're completely wiped out! We'll never be able to pay...

All Our…

Tuition!

to the tune of Tradition - Really...

Chorus Tuition! Tuition! Tuition!

Tuition! Tuition! Tuition!

Henry When I was young I peddled for a UROP

Tried to get work study, whored upon the Fenway

Try as I might I can't earn quite enough to

Satisfy the Institvte

Chorus The student! The student! Tuition!

The student! The student! Tuition!

Kate You must learn to live on less and pay your bill

And steel your will to eat roadkill

Otherwise your credit will we surely kill

With penalties and threats of broken bones

[wait for "extra" beats]

Chorus The bursar! The bursar! Tuition!

The bursar! The bursar! Tuition!

G. Gordon Dear Son: We got your bill today

But we're a little short

We 'd have to sell the summer home

And you're [pause pause] not worth it

Chorus The parents! The parents! Tuition!

The parents! The parents! Tuition!

All So now I'm on the street

Without my damned degree

And all I have to show is

This bill from M-I-T

Chorus Tuition! Tuition! Tuition!

Tuition! Tuition! Tuition!

Encore, if we haven’t killed the audience yet

Cemical War

To The Tune Of “When I’m 64”

All When I get drafted, sent to the sand
Several days from now
Will I still be tooling at the Institvte?
Or sweating in a Neoprene suit?
Temperatures reach 100 degrees
On the desert floor
Will I be bleeding, will I be breathing
In a chemical war?

All ooooooh
You’ll be soldiers too
And if they use the gas, you’ll turn green and spew

All Saddam Hussein’s a reasonable man
Never goes too far
He’s a modern leader of a modern state
Never mind he annexed Kuwait
Gassed some Iranians, gassed a few Khurds
Now he’ll gas some more
Will I be bleeding, will I be breathing
In a chemical war?

All Every summer we can send our frigates to the Persian Gulf
For the next ten years
No peace dividend
Our budget will increase
Spend, Spend, Spend, Spend, Spend!

All Binary nerve gas, mustard, chlorine
Even scented Glade
Indicate precisely what the symptoms are
The nearest medic lives in Qatar
Breathing Ammonia, coughing up blood
Pussy running sores
Will I be bleeding, will I be breathing
In a chemical war?

[2] Oh, the humanity! BTW, I think it was in Lindhurst NJ, but They wouldn’t le me be that explicitL

[5] pronounced:fung schwe according to Chuckles

All Every summer we can send our frigates to the Persian Gulf
For the next ten years
No peace dividend
Our budget will increase
Spend, Spend, Spend, Spend, Spend!

[2] Oh, the humanity! BTW, I think it was in Lindhurst NJ, but They wouldn’t le me be that explicitL

[5] pronounced:fung schwe according to Chuckles