Mickeysoft’s

Crock95

 

Written and Produced by the

transcontinental membership of

The CrockWriters’ Guild, a wholly owned subsidiary of

 

AlumXi

The New Voice in Old Jokes

 

 

 

 

CrockWriters’ Code:

     • If it isn’t funny, repeat it until it is

     • If it is funny, repeat it until it isn’t

 

 

 

 

 

©1995 Tau Epsilon Phi, Xi Chapter

All rights reserved

 

Properties

2 Mickey Mouse hats

SPAMIT Shirt

Doorbell

Phillips Screwdriver

Disney Dollars

chess clock

Box of shit

Box of 1/2 pairs of shoes

Crock 95

Burnt/crumbled crock script

2 contracts, a pen

Jello Brain

LSC-like signs

 

Dramatis Personae

Bunky                          Perlick

CC1                            Perlick

CC2                            BJCFR

Chancellor (CH)            Leper

EITner (D1)            U5

Gill Bates                     BJCFR

Goofy (D2)                  Chuckles

Lighting                        Fred

Malden                        Joe DeSantis

Newt Jr.                       Colin Bulthaup

Piano Player            Batman

Properties                    Stinky Fabijanic

RandomTEP            BJCFR

Recording                    Fred

Rush Chair (RC)            Jennifer

T1                                Schmooz

Ted Jr.                         Edgar Gonzales

Video                           ???

 

ACT I

Scene 1

The stage opens dark. There are strobe lights and maybe some thunder. TEPs enter wet and yelling over the noise of the storm.

 

BUNKY            Alas, the horde of scurvy frat boy goons,

                        Armed with super soakers and water balloons,

                        Have broken inside our humble abode!

                        My fellow TEPs, rearm and reload!

                       

T1 (acting as a PKT)

                        We'll fight you ‘til you're soaking wet

                        you evil and putrescient TEPs.

                        you have not spleen enough to fight

                        now lay down your arms, as might is right

 

BUNKY            Being TEPly born, thou makes me laugh.

                        More spleen than thou I surely have

                        For a TEPly spleen is pumped and giant

                        While yours is flaccid, soft, compliant.

 

T1            Perhaps thou hast the larger spleen

                        Perhaps ‘gainst virus, ‘tis more keen

                        But this is Water War, you know

                        Victorious, we’ll control the flow!

 

CH            Treither water, cold, nor grunge-rock band

                        Can make us flee ancestral land!

                        ‘Tis I, the Chancellor, with my crew

                        TEPs with water, The Project too!

 

BUNKY            With fresh TEP reinforcements, armed well with water

                        Not mere battle ahead, but water-logged slaughter!

                        The day it is saved, and it’s now clear to see,

                        The world soon shall be rid of that scourge ...

 

RC            CUT!!!

 

steps in with director’s board

 

                        You can't say that. It would be a Rush violation.

 

BUNKY            But it's in the script!!!

 

RC            Well, there are a lot of colons in the script too^[1], but that doesn’t mean you can take yours out and pass it around the room. This is a family film.

 

CH            How can Water War: The Movie be a family film?  It has two gratuitous sex scenes, three decapitations, five nun beatings, 22 nubile semi-nude fraternity brothers being hacked to death by a chainsaw-wielding sorority girl in a hockey mask, and one nude shot of Bunky here where I swear you could see everything!

 

Bunky            No, that's just the way I was holding the Newbury Project...

 

RC            All right, so it's not your family or my family.  But somewhere out there in this great country of ours is a family for whom this is good wholesome entertainment.  And that's our market.

 

BUNKY            Great, we're catering to the Alumni now.

 

CH            I should point out that according to our marketing literature, this is a wholesome family film that Bob Dole and Tipper Gore could go and see together.

 

T1            Cross-dressed.

 

RC            OK, OK.  We don't have time to argue about this now.  We have to get ready for Rush; the freshmen will be coming any minute now.

 

BUNKY            Uh, oh.  There goes our "G" rating...

 

freshmen enter

Bananas

To the tune of Bonanza

 

                        Welcome to TEP where we like to schlep Grape Soder

                        Welcome to TEP it's frosty and wet and it's caffeine-free!

 

RC                   What's your name?

CH                   Where you from?

Bunky              What'd ya like to be?

 

                        Welcome to TEP where the floors are swept BiMonthly

                        Welcome to TEP where the Crock's ineptly rhymed.

 

RC            Hi!  I'm the Rush Chair, and I’m damned glad to meetcha.  This is our Chancellor, our Treasurer, and our resident genius.

 

NEWT JR.            Nice to meet you.  I'm Newt Gingrich Jr. [shakes hands]

 

Ted Jr.            And I'm Ted Kennedy Jr. [shakes hands]

 

CH [to audience]            Whoa!  The spawn of two diametrically opposed political polarities in OUR FRONTROOM!

 

RC            So how did you guys get together without exploding in a burst of gamma rays?

 

Ted Jr.            Oh, I met Newt here in the Chowdah line.

 

Newt Jr.            Yeah, we get along great.  I'm helping Ted out with his first hundred days at MIT...

 

Ted Jr.            And in return, I'm showing Newt all those lonely romantic spots for swimming down at Martha's Vineyard. 

 

Newt Jr.            We heard you guys were creating a movie this Rush, so we wanted to help out.  Oh, and my Uncle Bob also wanted me to make sure it met up with proper family values.

 

CH            It sure does!  BARGAIN BASEMENT, WE WILL NOT BE UNDERSOLD, SUPER SPECIAL LOW LOW LOW TEP FAMILY VALUES!

 

TEP FAMILY VALUES

To the tune of The Flintstones’ Theme Song

 

                        Tep boys, meet the TEP boys

                        They’re a liberal fraternity

                        In their house on Comm Ave

                        Living on a welfare subsidy

 

                        Schmoozing with the media elite

                        Drugged out dancing naked in the street

 

                        TEP boys in the lunch room

                        They want birth control on every tray

                        Down with family values

                        Watching our morality decay

 

                        Snapping shots of prepubescent boys

                        Luring them all in with pretty toys

 

                        TEP boys taking money

                        From Endowment for Humanities

                        Using Fed’ral funding

                        To give Uzi’s out in Roxbury

 

                        See them as they celebrate Black Mass

                        Stuffing furry gerbils up their. . .^[2]

 

RC            Whoa whoa!  They get the idea already!

 

TED JR.            So what kind of movie are you making?

 

RC            Well, our film is based on real life at the institvte...

 

BUNKY            So we have lots of violence like late night problem sets, final exams, and mind-numbing explosions.

 

RC            ...while at the same time blending in the fantastic in such a way as would never be seen in reality.

 

BUNKY            We throw in some sex too.

 

TED JR.            I still don't understand where you got the money to make a movie on the scale of Water War. Fusion-powered water balloon launchers, thousands of extinguisher-bearing wet-behind-the-ears infantry, giant floating armadas on the Charles river...

 

T1            Oh, wait till you see the footage I got of a giant tidal wave sweeping into Boston, submerging the Back Bay and toppling the Prudential tower!

 

CH            Of course, they made us rebuild the Pru. Boy did THAT put a dent in our production budget.

 

T1            Yeah, especially since we had to add that YuppieMart Mall around the bottom.

 

Newt JR.            No really, how did you get the money? None of the other ILGs are shooting a major motion picture during Rush Week.

 

BUNKY            Well, at least not this year.

 

RC            Besides, we save a fortune on actors by grabbing freshmen to play roles at the last minute.

 

CH            Yeah, and ever since our first film, Registrar Dogs, swept the Cannes film festival, we've had Hollywood bigwigs knocking on our door continuously.

 

T1            Like just now... [pregnant pause]  Ahem!  Just like now!

 

doorbell rings

 

                        See?  There's a knock at the door!

 

NEWT JR.            What knock? Isn't that the doorbell?

 

knock at the door

 

BUNKY            Now THAT’S the doorbell!

 

CH            Well put it back on the door, would ja?

 

Enter Disney goons, wearing Mickey-mouse ears.  EITNER is a little too cheerful and friendly -- think Mr. Rodgers on Prozac.  He’s carrying a contract and a pen.  GOOFY is more hyper-like

 

EITNER            Hello, is this Xi Star Cinema?  Producers of high quality dramas and comedies?

 

RC            Yes, that's right.  We also write CROCKs as a side line.

 

EITNER            We hear you're a hot new independent film company with a string of widely praised movies that are produced on shoestring budgets with no-name actors yet always feature astonishing performances and hold true to the fine art of the cinema.

 

GOOFY            And we're going to offer you gobs of money to sell out completely, give up all creative control, and make junky mainstream movies for us which will further enlarge our already enormous multinational media empire.

 

CH [whispering to RC]            Who are these guys?

 

RC [whispering to CH]            Judging by their hats, I'd say they must be from that new RCA direct satellite TV venture... [to Disney Goons]  I'm sorry, but we could never tarnish our good reputation with a sellout.  Why, ThereSNOWHITEwash in the world that could cover such a stain!

 

EITNER            Oh, just sign here.  Here's a PEN, OK?  OH, we still need to negotiate the money...

 

CH            We don't need money -- we have art!

 

GOOFY            Quit living in a FANTASIA land!  Look, DUMBO, you could suffer some major financial crisis and BAM!  BE out on the streets.

 

BUNKY            We're not going to let you burn our artistic merit to a CINDER! 'ELL, A'd rather be on the street  than sell out to you.

 

T1            Yeah, we could always build another house, but not art.

 

EITNER            AAAA! LISTEN, ONE            D' LAND isn't available to build another house.        Two            You still have enough money troubles to PETE THER PANd

 

BUNKY            I know we could call the Queen of England!  She'd help us!

 

CH            Yeah, but only if we promise not to LAY DIANNEd

 

RC [rapidly after]             THE TRAMP!

 

CH            Well, the Queen's quite a SLEEPING BEAUTY, but she won’t get us 101 DONATIONS.

 

T1            I'd still like to stick my SWORD IN her STONE

 

CH            We Digress!  How could we JUNGLE the BOOKS to find enough dough to live like ARISTOCATS?

 

Bunky            We could try a dairy company heist!

 

RC            What... ROBBIN' HOOD?

 

CH            We could raffle off one of our alumni, folks could be WINNING THE POOter.

 

T1 [shaking head in negation]            Let's face it we need some RESCUERS.  But maybe if we send out letters and FAXes explaining our predicament...

 

RC            Yeah, between the FAX and the Houndreds of letters we’re bound to get enough money!

 

Bunky            Well, I went out to look up some old presidents’ phone numbers, and when I got BLACK, CALLED RON Reagan, but he couldn’t help.  Oh that reminds me, Nancy Reagan thought you had a GREAT MOUSE; DEFECTIVE, but great.  She wanted to show it to OL IV 'ER COMPANY, but thought it might beLITTLE mER MAID

 

T1            Let' get back to THE RESCUERS -- DOWN UNDER all of our talking, we need help now.

 

Ch            I've got an idea,

 

RC            It better be a BEAUTY, AND THE BEAST you have.

 

Ch            I've got a friend with a young son. We'll call thA LADD IN, and with a little LION, KING him .... Oh, wait, I lost the crown!

 

Bunky            When did you lose it?

 

Ch            Last night when I was playin’ POCA HON DIS table

 

Bunky            Poka hon dis table, but I just met her...

 

T1            Wait a minute...[shudders violently]

 

NEWT JR.            What's up with him?

 

RC            He's getting a fax.

 

T1 [Gazing into space as if reading a fax]              Uh oh.

 

RC            What's up?

 

BUNKY [looking up]             Well, the ceiling. The Stock Market. Hemlines. The price of T_eXbooks. Lots of stuff.

 

RC            Shut up. T1?

 

T1            Latest financial report on Water War from the Treasurer's spreadsheet. Looks like we've spent $322,000,000.48.

 

Ch            Hmm. Have the treasurer look into that 48 cents. It sounds...suspicious.

 

T1            Sir, I am forced to remind you that Water War is $321,999,999.26 over budget, and that’s not including Mr. Costner's personal hair stylist. In combination with this year's house bills, there's no way we can bring this film to fruition.

 

BUNKY            Did you say tuition?

 

All            NO!

 

CH            There's only one thing to do in a desperate time like this...

 

Everyone but Disney guys            Sell out.

 

CH            Right. [to EITNER] OK, Mr. Hollywood Bigwig, what's your offer?

 

GOOFY            We'll assume ownership of Water War, plus rights to Registrar Dogs and Pulp Friction.  In exchange, we'll pay your current debts, and pay your tuit...er, bursar bills until you graduate.

 

CH            ‘Till we graduate?  Wow!  We could be set-up for life!

 

BUNKY            But what if we don’t graduate?

 

EITNER            It's all detailed here in this little contract. [drops huge piece of paper].  Don't worry about reading it -- everything's on the level. Trust us.

 

CH            [aside to audience]  Why does the phrase "Trust us" fill me with apprehension in the pit of my stomach?  Could it be because that's the same line used in previous years by Gill Bates, Hillary Gotham Clinton, Sodom The Same, Donald Trump, and TEP National when they  tried to destroy us around this time of the year?  Nah, it's probably just gas. [to EITNER]  OK, It's a deal. [signs document & hands it to Ted, who starts speed-reading it]

 

EITNER            Excellent.  Oh, I believe we haven’t been properly introduced; I’m Michael Eitner.  [offers hand] 

 

Bunky            Eitner? But...

 

Everyone else glares at him

 

Bunky [in subdued voice] ...isn’t he from Disney

 

At the same time Eitner says the next line to Ch

 

EITNER            Welcome to Disney.

 

All            gasp! DISNEY??!!

 

EITNER            What are you, a dumbass? Of course Disney.  Bwahahaha!  Who else do you think has enough cash to bail out WaterLogged, er, WaterWar?

 

Ted            Hey guys, here on page 484 it says that TEP is going to be turned into a theme park!

 

EITNER            Yes, that's right.  Just think of it!  Disney's TEPWORLD!  Ever since the runaway success of Disney's Chappaquiddick, we've been trying to set a theme park based on the lives of students trying to struggle through a prestigious New England technical school.  You know, kind of like Friends but with SGI workstations.

 

GOOFY            And all of you clowns are now bound to work for our Disney TEPWORLD forever! We'll have a thousand tourists coming through your house every day starting next Wednesday!

 

EITNER            As I said before, Bwahhahah! You'd better start learning these lines! [gives them a bunch of papers]

ACT II          BRUTE

Scene 1

T1 is sitting behind a table.  No one else is out yet

 

T1            I can't believe we let Disney buy us out.  With my gen... genu... [stares at script incredulously]  Bradley, what is this word?

 

BJCFR comes out, looks at script            “Genius”

 

T1            You can’t spell, Bradley!

 

Brad            Sure I can.  B-R-A-D-L-E-Y

 

T1 [Exasperated]            No, you can’t spell “Genius.”

 

Brad            Oh, I know.  But thanks for the compliment.  [Exits]

 

T1            Sigh.  [muttering] I can’t believe we let Disney buy us out... dum da dum da [scanning through script for place]... “With my genius surely I could have avoided this fate.”

 

BUNKY [entering, looking at a problem set]            Hey T1 -- Could you help me with this physics problem?

 

T1 [looks at problem]            What are you, a dumbass?  When the microwave cavity moves into resonance with the line transition, coherent pumping of the quantum states insures optimal coupling to the excited state.

 

BUNKY            Which means the answer is?

 

T1            Four.

 

CH            Hey T1 -- could you take a look at this lab write up?

 

T1 [looking briefly at write-up]            What are you, an evolutionary throwback?  Your low yield of phage-resistant non-recombanatoric RNA is clearly resultant from impurities in the culturing medium.  And put some more purple in that cellular microphotograph.

 

RC            Hey T1 -- Could you proofread this?

 

T1 [looking at paper]            What are you, a cultural illiterate?  How could you have missed the obvious references to post-romantic, neo-symbolist themes emphasized by the poet’s choice of clerihew verse structure?  Just write that a flaming penis explodes on stage.

 

RC pulls out chess clock, puts it on table

 

BUNKY            What if observed controls should lapse? [punches clock button on his side]

 

T1            Then quantum states should all collapse. [punches clock]

 

CH            And if we need to run more gels? [punches crock]

 

T1            Get more enzymes!  Clone more cells!. [punches schlock]

 

RC            Camus’ Stranger– why’s it penned? [punches wok]

 

T1            Pointless life, a pointless end.[punches frock]

 

BUNKY            Who lives on the old quark farm? [punches block]

 

T1            Up down strange top bottom charm [punches Spock]

 

CH            What if I turn blotchy green? [punches shock]

 

T1            Put yourself in quarantine! [punches Schlage lock]

 

RC            Teach me Poe’s great learnèd lore? [punches windsock]

 

T1            Quoth the raven            “Nevermore.” [punches Dopey & Doc]

 

BUNKY            But how can I improve my grades? [punches stopcock]

 

T1 [exasperated]             Just use this keen command I made.  [stops clock]  It'll automagically do your term papers for you.

 

All            Really?  Cool!  What's the command?

 

T1            Well, I wanted it to be something intuitive and easy to remember, so I made it Super-Hyper-Open-Apple-Meta-Exclamation-point

 

BUNKY            What?

 

T1 (slower)            Super-Hyper-Open-Apple-Meta-Exclamation.

 

All (slowly)            Super-Hyper-Open-Apple-Meta-Exclamation?    (faster)  Super-Hyper-Open-Apple-Meta-Exclamation!

 

Super-Hyper-Open-Apple-Meta-Exclamation

To the tune of supercalifragilistic

 

CHORUS        Super-Hyper-Open-Apple-Meta-Exclamation

                        Even though describing it will cause humiliation

                        If you type it long enough you’ll suffer inflammation

                        Super-Hyper-Open-Apple-Meta-Exclamation

 

                        Umdididility Umdilidi Umdididility Umdilidi

 

Bunky:    Macintosh has some commands that sure as heck ain't terse

                        And if you type in Windows it would make a sailor curse

                        But I've discovered one command that blows them all away

                        The biggest line you'll ever find, and all you have to say

 

Chorus             Is Super-Hyper-Open-Apple-Meta-Exclamation

                        It will even solve all your binomial equations

                        If you use it often you will surely rule the nation

                        Super-Hyper-Open-Apple-Meta-Exclamation

 

                        Umdididility Umdilidi Umdididility Umdilidi

 

BJCFR:            Once I stayed up every night and tooled till two or three

                        Till I got each problem right and Dad was proud of me

                        But now my thesis writes itself and I don't do a thing

                        My grades are great, they're all top rate, and all I do is sing:

 

Chorus             Oh, Super-Hyper-Open-Apple-Meta-Exclamation

                        Hitting it repeatedly will rid you of frustration

                        You just have to type it once and then go on vacation

 

T1 [spoken]     of course to undo it it's Noita-malcxe-Atem-Elppa-Nepo-repyh-repus, but that's going a little too far don't you think?

 

RC [spoken]    Indubitably

 

Chorus             Super-Hyper-Open-Apple-Meta-Exclamation!

 

RC            Hey, here come the Disney Goons.

 

EITNER            Hello boys!  How are you enjoying your first day as members of the Disney family? 

 

Ted, Jr.            [sarcastically] Oh, it's just great... Dad.

 

EITNER            Good.  Now before the guests arrive this house needs to be cleaned up.  We want this to be a place Walt would like to live in.

 

Newt Jr.            If we clean out the freezer Walt could  live here.

 

Ted, Jr.            Disney on ice...

 

BUNKY            Clean up?  But that would never give people the true ambiance, that “I don't smell what" ^[3]of the house.

 

The House is a Pit of Unmitigated Shit

To the tune of Why Does the Sun Shine?

by They Might Be Giants

 

                        The house is a pit of unmitigated shit

                        A gigantic nuclear waste hole

                        Where blue mold stinks in the bathroom sinks

                        And the freezer’s filled with Jimmy Hoffa’s corpse

 

                        The piles of dust, the sentient fust

                        The trash that runs away

                        It’s plain to see there’ll be no frosh

                        If it’s not gone today

 

                        The house is a pit

 

CH [spoken]   It is such a pit that it has been declared a Class II Superfund Site by the EPA

 

                        The house is gross

 

RC [spoken]   It is so gross, that the last three HazMat disposal teams... were never seen again.

 

                        The house smells really bad

 

T1 [spoken]    Its smell has been compared to the unique scent of a limburger-squirrel  melt sandwich left in an unplugged freezer for more than seven months.

 

                        It’s plain to see there’ll be no frosh

                        If it’s not cleaned today

 

EITNER            Yes, well that reminds me of a few other guidelines you're going to have to follow:

 

GOOFY            Rule 1            No disgusting Nicknames.

 

EITNER            Ah yes. Nicknames. [To T1] What's your nickname?

 

T1            They call me T1

 

EITNER            Hmm. Too gnurdly.  From now on, you will be known as "Happy."

 

EITNER            [to CH] And your nickname?

 

RC            Um, Superfund.

 

EITNER            Superfund?

 

RC            I had a little digestive trouble during my freshman year.

 

BUNKY            He was more mighty than the plumbing, that's for sure.

 

EITNER            Hmm. From now on you will be known as “Sleepy.”  [To Bunky] And what do they call you?

 

BUNKY            "Bunky."

 

EITNER            "Bunky?"  Oh, that's a lovely name.  I'm sure you can go far with a name like that. You may keep it. Well, that clears up this nickname problem.

 

GOOFY            Rule 2            No Eiting and No Swear Words

 

RC            What??? No Eiting? How will be relieve ourselves of pent-up Angst?

 

Newt            What's an Eit?

 

Bunky            (Eits script) Eit!

 

RC            You see, it's funny because he said Eit.

 

T1            Yes, but don’t Eit the Crock.

 

RC            Why not?

 

T1            The Crock always Eits itself!

 

EITNER            Right, NO EITING.

 

Bunky            Well, Fuck you.

 

CH [to Bunky]            No, fuck you.

 

RC [to CH]            Oh, fuck you!

 

TEPS            [Fuck you fight (include audience)]

 

EITNER            [stopping fight]  No, no no! From now on, those will be “Hey you” exchanges. I’m sure you’ll find them equally delightful.

 

RC [half-heatedly to CH]            Hey you...

 

CH [no-heartedly]            hey you.  [pause]   it’s not the same.

 

RC            At least we can still sit around and sing about bagels and beer.

 

CH            Bagels and Beer? Oh no, that’s too controversial!

 

RC            Pop Tarts and Beer?

 

CH            Much better.

 

GOOFY            Rule 3            No pop-tarts, no sugary breakfast cereals, and most certainly NO SONGS ABOUT BEER!

 

CH            No beer? What will we sing about??

 

Tea, Tea at old Tee Eee Phi

To the tune of Beer, Beer

 

                        Tea, Tea at old T-E-Phi

                        Pour me a bouncer, I’ll tell you why

                        Send those freshmen out for gin

                        and they’ll tell you it’s a sin.

 

                        We never stagger, we never fall

                        Mostly because we don’t drink at all

                        While three quarters of a keg

                        goes bad on the Perlick floor.

 

T1                    Party punch is half-a-proof, toss it, toss it

                        All that ethanol will make it hard for us to tool

 

                        While our loyal chancellor drinks caffeine and likes to tool.

 

EITNER            Charming. Just Charming.  Next?

 

GOOFY            Rule 4            No Angst

 

T1            [horrified] NO ANG--???   [gently] I mean, no angst?

 

EITNER            That’s correct. No angst wall, no flame pits, no eitmail, no endless room points meetings, and no gossip and slander. This house will be an Angst Free Zone.

 

CH            An Angst Free Zone....what will happen to my relationship with my beautiful but strong-willed girlfriend, We pretty much RUN on Angst!

 

EITNER            That brings me to my next point.  I’ve had a word with your national, we agree that we cannot have the “brotherly love” concept diluted in any way.  Therefore, the rule will be:

 

GOOFY            Rule 5            No Women

 

EITNER            No more of this ridiculous talk of female brothers, no more “study breaks,” no Assassin Chicks in Capes coming over for hot cocoa.

 

RC            Yeah, and what about me?

 

EITNER            Kaputski. For your sake, I hope there is room at McCormick.

 

BUNKY            Hey, Snow White lived with seven guys...

 

EITNER            Oh, it is not so bad as that.  You will be allowed to hold a semi-formal dance each semester with Sigma Phi Nothing, at the Sorority Theme Park down the street. But the dance will be videotaped for the Disney Channel, so keep it clean.  Ta ta for now...

 

exit Disney goons

 

RC            I’ve got an idea - Let’s be real obnoxious to the tourists so they’ll not want to come back and Disney will leave us alone...

 

 

YOU’RE A PEST

to Be Our Guest from Beauty and the Beast

Music Alan Menken, Lyrics Howard Ashman

via the Capitol Steps

 

 

                        You’re a pest, you’re a pest

                        Go away , I’ve got a test.

                        Let me hide out in my closet, stare at walls and be depressed.

                        Don’t ask me for House Tours

                        At TEP Mickey says “Up Yours!”  [add obscene arm gesture]

                        Do the dishes? Are you joking?

                        Holy Shit! The Hobart’s smoking!

 

                        You’ll inquire “What’s that stink?”

                        And we’ll show you fourth back sink!

                        And we won’t clean up that spot where Sex Toy messed!

                        Don’t take his mess away! We’ll serve it as paté!

                        You’re a pest! We’re cross-dressed! Go home stressed!

 

slower verse here, up to speed by second line

                       

                        There’s no way we’ll display

                        a clean college life for pay -

                        We will drool on you and Eit your lunch,

                        make fun of your toupeé.

 

                        At high Gees you will wheeze

                        in our centrifuge trapeze

                        Come and try our liquid ni-

                        Trojan and feel your innards freeze

 

                        Chip and Dale in this park

                        Come and serve you in the stark

                        Aladdin rubs, well, not his lamp but you can guess

                        Now we’ve got Disney’s dough

                        So we don’t need you GO!

                        You’re a pest, go molest Chuckie Vest.

 

 

Bunky            Nah, they’re trying that in Europe and it isn’t working

 

RC            I can’t believe it...no eiting. no flaming. no angst. no women.

 

CH            No more fights with my girlfriend lasting until 3 am followed by 3 hours of making... um... up.

 

Random Brother[coming in with a large box and single glass slipper]            Man,  what a horrible date.

 

T1            Got dissed again huh?

 

Random Brother            Yup, right at midnight, same as always!  I just don’t get it!  [dumps out box full of one galosh, one sandal, one boot, one slipper, one dirty sock... throws the slipper in]

 

RC            Oh, you think you’ve got it bad?  At least you don’t have to share your bathroom with 7 short squinty-eyed bearded roommates.

 

U5            Hey!

 

BUNKY            Oh, that’s nothing.  I gotta share my  bathroom with 101 god damned furry spotted roommates.

 

RC            Yeah, but think about poor Swifty.  Every time he lies...

 

BUNKY            His nose grows?

 

RC            No!  Not his nose!

 

ALL [Admirable Astonishment]  Pickles?

 

RC [nods]            Uh Huh.

 

CH            I can’t stand living like this.

 

RC            It’s like eating dinner without knives in the ceiling.

 

Bunky            It’s like trying to be punk without wearing black or listening to music.

 

CH            It’s like calling TEP and having the phone picked up on the first ring.

 

T1            It’s like running Windows95 without system crashes.

 

Ch            All right, all right.  Let’s give it the old TEP try...

 

 David Honig

 To the tune of "Mickey Mouse"

 Words in parentheses are spoken by one or two characters.

 

                        D-A-V, I-D-A,

                        H-O-N-I-G,

                        David Honig    (Ayn Rand!)

                        David Honig    (John Galt!)

                        Forever let him hold himself aloof, loof, oof.

 

                        Who’s the TEP who loves to schlep to all activities

 

 Slower

                        D-A-V,     (Victims deserve what they get.)

                        I-D-A,     (A is A.)

                        H-O-N-I-G.

 

 

Ted Jr.            Hey, maybe my Dad can help out.

 

Newt Jr.            Sorry, Ted, but with the new Republican controlled senate, we’ll never see that fat bloated liberal in the Crock again.

 

Ch            Look outside!

 

All [Looking towards frontroom door]            Here comes a seaweed covered limousine!

 

Sgt. Pepper’s piano vamp starts

 

All [Following across]            And there goes a seaweed covered limousine!

 

Ted            Oh Shi...Darn.  What is he, a dumbass? He drove right into the Charles!

 

RC [to Ted]            It’s OK, Ted.  Your dad is kinda like the alumni.  He was funny once, but now he just comes back once a year and drools  on the carpet.

 

CH            At least we're not in debt any more. After all, things could be much worse.

 

T1            Oh, right.  How?

 

It Could Be Much Worse

to the tune of ‘It’s all for the Best’ in Godspell

 

Bunky              When you feel dumb

                        and know you can't pass

                        your brain's gone numb

                        you've dropped your last class

                        your prof's berating, stating

                        there's no chance of graduating

                        physics you're cramming and

                        Newton your damning and

                        MIT's ramming your ass

                        your sex life ain't great

                        at best it is calm

                        your last hot date

                        was with your right palm

                        well don't forget that

                        though you think your

                        life's under a curse

                        Yes!  It could be much worse...

 

BJCFR             you could be bit by rabid fleas

                        lopped off at the knees

                        get a gross disease in your tummy

                        bumped upside the head

                        jumped on ‘till you’re dead

                        shot all full of lead by a dean

                        eat worms until you're sick

                        turtle-wax your dick

                        have a seat & stick where it's gummy

                        get slapped by a haddock

                        and stabbed through the spleen

                        you could have bunions on your feet

                        warts upon your seat

                        be the G.M. fleet crash-test dummy

                        get hit by a tree

                        get splenectomied

                        go and take a pee with Chuck Vest

                        get reamed by your landlord

                        and hung with a lamp cord

                        though terse, it could be much worse...

 

both together

                        Yes!  It could be much --

                        get carted off inside a hearse

                        Yes!  It could be much --

                        have to sing this unrehearsed

                        Yes!  It could be much --

                        there could be another verse!

                        Yes!  It could be much worse!

 

CH            Hey, look, it won’t be a problem. The alumni always write us into some ridiculous corner, such as making sure that all of the freshman are dead and TEP is ruined, and we all think we’re doomed. Then we turn the page, and viola! There’s the way out, written right into the script.

 

turns the page. there is a loud explosion. Stage goes dark.

ACT XIII

Scene 1

CH            Umm. Crock Control, we have a problem here...

 

CC2            Live Action 1, this is Crock Control, we read you.  Could you describe the problem?  over.

 

CH            Um, our scripts are blank.

 

CC2            Live Action 1, we have a “no jokes” lamp on the Crock plot monitor. Can you confirm? over

 

pause as actors deal, look nervous about having no scripts, & clueless about what to say

 

CC2            Live Action, please confirm lack of humor, over.

 

CH            That would be a big 10-4 Crock Control.  We have no scripts.  Repeat, we have no scripts.  over

 

CC2            Do you have backups? over.

 

T1            Real OS’s never crash. Only wimps use backups.

 

CH            That would be a “NEGATIVE.” Crock Central.

 

CC2            Please stand by, Live Action 1. We will get you down, repeat do not panic, we will get you down.

 

Enter Crock Central People in front of the others.

 

CC1            No script and they’re in the middle of Act XIII? They’re fucked.

 

CC2            We’ll never come up with a backup script in time. 10:22 will come and all of the freshmen will go out for Ice Cream. They’re not just going to sit around and watch us try to find a something that rhymes with “salamander”

 

CC1            We’ll need our best man for this job.

 

CC2            He quit.

 

CC1            Well, there’s only one other hope then.

 

CC 1&2 [a la “Hey coolaid”]            Hey Malden!

 

Malden (from audience)            What?

 

CC1            The TEPs are stuck in some ridiculous situation, they have no scripts, and they're in the middle of Act XIII.

 

Malden            No script and in the middle of Act XIII? They’re fucked. [goes up front]

 

CC1            Look. If we don’t get them through this Crock with at least one funny joke, the audience will kill them. It will be the end of the Crock as We Know It.

 

Piano Vamps

 

CC1 [shuts up piano]            Look, we can’t leave TEP under the control of Disney.  They’d have to spend the rest of their lives dressed up as giant plush HP calculators, shave sex-toy into the shape of Disney characters, and there'd be a four hour wait to use the bathroom...

 

Malden            Gentlemen, our new mission is clear.  We’ve got 15 minutes to turn this (shows ripped up Crock script) into this (shows shrink wrapped package of Crock-95) using only this:

 

Dumps a load of junk on the table. (which just came out of nowhere.)

 

Malden            Let’s see...we’ll need that Elvis bust, and a couple of rolls of DucTape™...

 

CC1            DucTape™?

 

Malden            Yeah, to patch the holes in the plot...

 

CC1            Good point.  We’ll also need that bottle of Philip’s Milk of Magnesia.

 

CC2            What’s that for?

 

CC1            You mix it with Vodka and you get a Philip’s Screwdriver.

 

Malden            Now that we got THAT out of the way, the rest should be easy.

 

CC1            OK, how about this as a plot: Just as Disney starts to turn TEP into a theme park, the local junta of psychotic, condominium owning space aliens from planet X...

 

CC2            You mean the Neighborhood Association of the Back Bay?

 

CC1            Exactly!...so the NABB doesn’t allow Disney to build the park, which allows the TEPs to cohabitate in resplendent splendor...

 

Malden            No way. The NABB would let TEP be bulldozed and converted into a Wal-Mart if it would remove them from the neighborhood.

 

CC2            Bulldozed and replaced with a Wal-Mart! Now THERE’S a solution! We could all hang out in the Home-Entertainment-Center Center and watch Home Shopping Channel!

 

Malden            What are you, a dumbass?

 

CC1            Maybe we can use Irving’s time-traveling fax modem to send on Sunday what we’ll write on Monday back to Thursday for rehearsal Saturday to perform Sunday what happened on Friday.

 

CC2            Wait, was that Sunday, Monday, Thursday, Saturday, Friday, Sunday?

 

CC1            No, it was Sunday, Monday, Thursday...oh, shut up.

 

Malden            Of course, Irving’s Time Traveling Fax machine doesn’t work anymore.

 

CC1            Why not?

 

Malden            Because we just updated the drivers to Windows-95.

 

CC2            That’s it! We’ll have Gill Bates come forward in time from last year’s Crock and engage in a hostile take-over of Disney.

 

CC1            Why Gill Bates?

 

CC2            Well, one because he’s the richest man in America, and two, we have a lot of material on him.

 

CC1            What, proof of his secret love child with Cher?

 

CC2            No, songs from last year’s Crock!

 

Malden            Boy, I’m glad that Crock, Inc. is an environmentally responsible company!

 

CC2            What do you mean?

 

Malden            Our three credos are reduce, reuse and recycle!

 

All            Crock Inc.            Where getting done is job one!

 

Malden            Then it’s agreed.  We bring in Gill Bates to buy out Disney and save the TEPs.  Let’s do it.

 

[doors close, CAREFULLY!]

 

[doors open, again, CAREFULLY!]

 

Scene 2

 

Bunky, Ch, ... loitering about.  Enter Gill Bates

 

Gill            Hi.  I’m here to buy out Disney and save the TEPs.

 

BUNKY            Well, that was easy!

 

Gill            So I understand you want me to save you and your pathetic friends by buying out Disney, taking over your house, and then generously giving it back to you for the low, low price of just $0.22.

 

CH            Ideally, yes.

 

Gill            Hmmmm...It’ll cost you. What can you offer?

 

BUNKY            Free Disney Channel?

 

RC [hits Bunky]            Well, you’d have instant access to all of Disney’s Secret Animation Based Small Human Mind Control Technology.

 

Gill Bates            Interesting, but laughable when compared to Microsoft Bob.

 

CH            We could give you a lifetime supply of Marshmallow Fluff...

 

Gill            I have that already.  [pause]  Hmm.  I do have one project which requires some, shall we say, scientific experiments to be performed. On one of you.

 

Ch            What??? Sell out one of our brothers for scientific experiments?

 

RC            We would never do that!

 

Ch            Well almost never.

 

Bunky            Hardly ever.

 

Rc            Well, quite often actually.

 

CH            Right, like that one time...

 

T1 [interrupting]            Hey, can I volunteer? I LIKE scientific experiments. You know, like the time when I drank two six packs of Mountain Dew and then ran electrolyses experiments on my stomach?  Or that time when I revamped Tep-a-phone to compete with AT&T in the local phone market?

 

BUNKY            Yeah, or that time you linked our web-pages to the bouncer return system via the joff-room so every time we flushed the toilet...

 

CH            [to audience] Good night everybody!

 

Gill            Excellent.  Not only can you volunteer, but as a result of your extreme gnurdliness you are the most suitable for my project.  I am  building a new kind of computer-human interface, and I require a few pieces of...software...to finish it up.

 

CH            Well, that sounds pretty reasonable then. You’re saying that you would buy out Disney and then give TEP back to the TEPs, if T1 here just agrees do some scientific experiments that involve some kind of software?

 

Gill            Perhaps I should have said “wetware” but essentially, yes. It’s all right here in this contract [drops big pile of papers].

 

CH            [signs the contract] You know, you’d think I would have learned not to sign these contracts without reading them by this point in the crock.

 

Gill            Bwahahah! You’ve signed the contract. I’ve got just what I wanted. Now I’ll go and buy out Disney... that should be a nice, relaxing hostile takeover. And after that, I’ll be back for my payment.

 

T1            Wait, what is your payment, anyway?

 

Gill            didn’t you read the contract? I get YOUR BRAIN!!! Bwahhahhah!

 

SCARY MUSIC

 

 

T1            Will I get it back?

 

Gill            Don’t be ridiculous. I am a ruthless, viscous, unscrupulous businessman

 

Ch            I knew I should have read the fine print.

 

RC            Who do you think you are anyway?

 

Gill            I’m glad you asked...

 

Microsoft Executive

to the tune of Modern Major Generall

 

Gill       I am the very model of a Microsoft Executive

            Work sixteen hours every shift on days that are consecutive

            I make a line of software that is of the highest quality

            But leave in bugs to fix with upgrades in perpetually

 

            Though some might claim that we compete in ways that are not very just

            That's just vindictive rumor spun by folks who can't compete with us

            Besides they cannot prove a thing, no judge will ever take their side

            We'll crush them with our lawyers known for litigation far and wide.

 

All        He'll crush them with his lawyers known for litigation far and far and wide.

 

Gill       My coders work a shed-ule bordering on impropriety

            But they'll still work for peanuts ’til they're vested in entirety

            I'm sure that you will all agree that this is all indicative

            That I'm the very model of a Microsoft Ex-i-cutive!

 

All        I'm sure that you will all agree that this is all indicative

            He is the very model of a Microsoft Executive!

 

Gill       We made our windows system one which we hold in propriety

            And tweak it every now and then to screw up Lotus 1-2-3

            Developing for Windows makes our competition often frown

            They haven't any choice -- our system is the only game in town.

 

            We'll use people's inventions that will make our software sell the best

            Idea is the first step but the market really is the test

            And though we may use other's thoughts and intellectual property

            Stealing's such a nasty word, I like to call it R and D.

 

All        Stealing's such a nasty word, he likes to call it R and R and D.

 

Gill       My business tactics are compared with Henry Ford and Genghis Kahn

            They built me up from nerdy kid to billionaire and then beyond

            And while my competition spews out words full of invec-u-tive

            I am the very model of a Microsoft Executive!

 

All        And while his competition spews out words full of invec-u-tive

            He is the very model of a Microsoft Executive!

 

Gill       Bwahahaha.

 

Exunt

 

Scene 3

Eitner & Goofy are admiring the House

 

EITNER            Well, we can install the flume ride in the center stairwell...

 

enter Gill

 

Eitner            Drat! It is Gill Bates, my arch-nemesis

 

Bates            That’s right, and unbeknownst to you, I have initiated a leveraged takeover of Disney.

 

Eitner            Hah!  I knew you would try to buy us out, so the board adopted a poison pill.

 

Bates            Oho!  But I knew you would know I would buy you out, so I called a shareholder vote.

 

Eitner            Ah, but I counted on you knowing I would know you would try to buy us out, so I adopted a golden parachute.

 

Goofy            And transferred all our money to Switzerland.

 

Bates            Eit!  I anticipated that you would expect me to assume that you would know I would try to buy you out, so I bought Switzerland, the U.S. Mint, and several of these "Disney Dollars" [holds them up], which can be redeemed toward admission to your theme parks, concessions and lodging in the parks, or merchandise at any of the dozens of Disney Stores conveniently located in shopping malls across the country.

 

Eitner            Yes!  But did you realize that I would plan for you to think that I would know that you would know that I would know that you would try to buy us out?  I have a white knight who will make a counter offer.

 

Bates            Yes, I did.  I laugh at your white knight, for I have a blue potato.

 

Eitner            [blanching] Inconceivable!

 

Goofy            Oh, yeah?  Well, I have a red negligee.

 

Bates            In that case, I double my offer.

 

Eitner            I have no more defenses!  I should have known this would happen.

 

Goofy            Curses, foiled again.

 

Exit EITner & Goofy

 

Enter RC, Bunky, CH, and T1, Newt & Ted

 

RC            All right, you saved us!

 

Gill            That’s correct.  And now that I own the Microsoft-Disney conglomerate, henceforth known as “Mickeysoft,” I shall gladly return TEP to you brothers, in exchange for twenty-two cents...

 

RC gives Gill 22 cents

 

Gill            ..And of course T1’s brain.

 

CH            exsqueeze me?

 

T1            My brain?  That’s my second favorite organ!^[4]

 

Newt [looking at contract]            Hey guys, here on page 484 it says that Gill gets T1’s brain for scientific experiments.  [to Ch]  What are you, a dumbass?

 

Gill            Bwahahaha.  I’m off to set up the equipment -- I’ll be back.

 

BUNKY            Gee, we’re gonna miss having our egos battered into the ground by your sardonic wit, T1.

 

T1            Not to worry, mes frères.  Ever since last year’s incoming class, all MIT students come equipped with two brains.

 

Ted & Newt            [agree, as if it were an obvious fact] Yup.  Uhuh.  Sho nuff.  Huh-yuk huh-yuk.

 

T1            I’ll just give him my spare brain -- I wasn’t using it anyway!

 

 

 It's My Spare Brain

 to the tune of "It's a Small World"

 

                        It’s a clunky old brain, it’s out of date

                        It’s last upgrade was in eighty-eight

                        There’s no way it’ll jibe

                        With Windows ninety-five

                        It’s a spare brain after all

 

                        It’s a spare brain after all

                        Lacks sufficient wherewithal

                        Hearkens to C’thulu’s call

                        It’s a spare spare brain

 

                        It’s a brain that sucks, it’s a brain that blows

                        And it likes to sing Barry Manilow

                        You can say that it works

                        To those pustulant jerks

                        It’s a spare brain after all

 

                        It’s a spare brain after all

                        Oversteeped with ethanol

                        Gone quite soft and awfully small

                        It’s a spare spare brain.

 

T1 takes his brain out, puts it in a tepperware container, and recloses his brain all without anesthesia.^[5]

 

Gill Bates enters

 

Gill            Bwahaha.  Have you the brain?

 

T1            Here it is!  This is the top-of-the-line, low-cost, fuel efficient, only-used-by-a-little-old-lady-to-watch-MTV-on-Sunday-mornings brain.  It’s the best thing ever, it’ll write better musicals than Cats.  You’ll use it again and again.

 

Gill            Pickles?

 

T1            OK, you caught me.  It sucks.  It’s sooooooooooo  bad.  You probably couldn’t get away with using it for more than a limited application that would insult the intelligence of Forrest Gump.

 

Gill            That’s OK.  I’m just using it for the Artificial-stupidity component of Microsoft Bob.   It’s perfect!   Here’s a briefcase full of cash so you can bring Rush to fruition.

 

All            Did you say Tuition?

 

piano vamps

 

Gill            No!  Bwahahaha.  [exit]

 

CH            Wow, look at all that cash!  Now we can pay off the bills for Water War.  It defies all intuition.

 

All            Did you say Tuition?

 

CH            NO!

 

Newt            Wait.  You mean to say that you went through making a movie, got bought out...

 

Ted            ...signed not one, but two dumb contracts

 

Newt            ...lost your entire plot due to foreseeable but completely ludicrous circumstances

 

Ted            ...performed unlicensed brain surgery

 

Newt            ...and just so you could get that cash...

 

Ted            ...to pay for Water War...

 

Newt & Ted together            and wind up back where everything started?   What are you, a dumbass?!?  You haven’t even paid your tuition!

 

Audience            Did you say Tuition?  There’s a song about tuition!

 

piano vamps

 

All Brothers            Definite bid material!

Tuition^[6]

to the tune of Tradition - Really...

 

Chorus             Tuition!  Tuition!  Tuition!

                        Tuition!  Tuition!  Tuition!

 

                        When I was young I peddled for a UROP

                        Tried to get work study, whored upon the Fenway

                        Try as I might I can’t earn quite enough to

                        Satisfy the Institute

 

Chorus             The student!  The student!  Tuition!

                        The student!  The student!  Tuition!

 

                        You must learn to live on less and pay your bill

                        And steel your will to eat roadkill

                        Otherwise your credit will we surely kill

                        With penalties and threats of broken bones

 

wait for “extra” beats

Chorus             The bursar!  The bursar!  Tuition!

                        The bursar!  The bursar!  Tuition!

 

                        Dear Son: We got your bill today

                        But we’re a little short

                        We ‘d have to sell the summer home

                        And you’re [pause pause] not worth it

 

Chorus             The parents!  The parents!  Tuition!

                        The parents!  The parents!  Tuition!

 

                        So now I’m on the street

                        Without my damned degree

                        And all I have to show is

                        This shirt from M-I-T

 

Chorus             Tuition!  Tuition!  Tuition!

                        Tuition!  Tuition!  Tuition!

 

Exunt all and go to sleep

 

For all of you die-hard Crock fans, here are some of the out-takes and unfulfilled jokes :

 

Bill       I’ve come to buy out your company and crush it into tiny pieces.

 

“Rawhide’s is teenie.”  -- Chuckicools

 

Random            I never wanted to say that pun anyway.  I WANTED TO BE... A GRAD STUDENT!  Leaping from course to course!  With my SGI by my side.  And I’ll tool... tool... TOOL!

 

Other   No, no!  Stop it stop it!

 

At end of crock, when they can flame again, degrade into flamatious fuck-you fight with lots of eiting.  A, there’s no place like home.

 

Manhattan Transfer

 

Joke     Careful -- we need both sides of that paper.  don’t throw one of them away.

 

Ted Jr. Wait!  You mean to say you sign away the house, your brains, and your lives, slog through plot unbeleivable coincidence

 

 

JLB      I lost my share in a bet.

 

CH       I didn’t know you gambled.

 

JLB      I bet with him that Windows 95 be ready to ship until 1996, and he won on a technicality.

 

RC       But Windows-95 shipped last week!

 

JLB      I know. But remember, I originally bet that it was READY to ship. He just sent it out anyway.

 

 

 

One      Shh.  Someone’s listening.  Eekspa igpay atinlay

Two     Atwhay areyah ouyah, ayah umassday?

 

must add something about animatronics

must add imagineers

must add Euro-Disney

must add Annette Futticello

pun sequence on ride names at disney world