Crock 1994

Cast

The Teps

(a subset of the Xi Chapter teps in the coed tep of the future.)

MIke Roe: (Schmooz) Chancellor, and his alternate persona, Captain TEP. Leader of the Information Revolution. male. reasonably smart.

Sol Der: (Crusher) House Manager. probably male. deals with network stuff.

Kia Board: (Elizabeth) the UltraPC vegan. has social conscious. Not as dumb as most of the Teps, such as house manager and random brother, but more irritating due to constantly pointing this out. Probably female.

Chip Puller: (ELeper) Rush Chairman. Probably male. cares mostly about Rush from the local viewpoint. Misses the big picture. Thinks VR-Rush was neat.

Rand M. Access: (U5) Runs the Digital Farm CyberSheep Pleasure Ranch. Obviously not bright enough to get a date.

-------------------

The Freshmen

Elrond Hubbard Jackson-Presley. male. Actual real freshman. character undefined.

Jamie Lee Bates (Jen McG... Er.. Lantz) and her cyberspace alter-ego Fuzzy Logic. Alumni plant. Female. Very, very smart.

David Andrew Honig Jr.: male. Actual Real Freshman. Acts like honig would as a freshman.

------------

Bad Guys

Gill Bates (B.J.C.F.R.), and his cyberspace alter-ego, The Master. Male. Genius. Misses total world domination by only the length of his toe and the lucky moves by the teps.

one Macrosoft Henchmen (Batman): hare club foreman.

------------

Others

Ked Tennedy (Morton)

Narator (Chairman)

Cyber Sperling (Malden)

Doctor (Big Bird)

---------------

Act 1

[Introduction should be rewritten shorter and better. Or destroyed entirely.]

Narrator: It is the year 2022. Worldwide recession after the horrors and countless deaths of the Spam Rebellion has forced massive consolidation and restructuring of the world powers. There are still the same familiar companies—Coca-Pepsi, AT&Beatrice, General Food-Mills-Dynamic-Electric-Motors. But the inevitable merging of cable and satellite television, the international fiber optic network, the studios of Hollywood, and Domino’s pizza delivery services led to a lone information provider in America: Macrosoft, the power that controls the flow of all information.

The scene opens on a small Fraternity on Commonwealth Ave (Boston’s Champs Elysees) It is Friday morning, just before rush begins, and the Brothers are desperately completing the necessary preparations.

Scene 1: Tau Epsilon Phi, the morning of rush week.

Slowly the lights come up. The Teps are standing around, wearing VR goggles. One of them has the channel changer.

Click!

OJ Channel: ...and now, as OJ prepares to compete the arduous final two years of his sentence, it just isn’t clear that he has the stamina to make it without time-outs or substitutions.

“That’s the latest in LIVE coverage...remember you heard it hear first from your number one maniac sports hero channel, the OJ Channel...All OJ, All the Time.

Chip: Let’s see what’s on the BOBBIT CHANNEL

Click!

Teps reach for their private parts and feel the pain.

All (except Rand): OOOOOH!

pause

Rand: Ahhhhhh.

Sol: Man, talk about Cut and Paste!

KEYA makes a grab for he channel changer

Kia: I totally DO NOT understand the fascination you guys have with that channel.

Mike: Actually, we tried to have the service cut off, but the Phone Company reconnected it.

Kia: I want to watch the “Photosynthesis Channel.”

Sol: I want the JFK Assassination Conspiracy Theory Channel.

Rand: I want to watch the Laxative Channel!

Kia: Why?

Rand: It never fails to move me.

Mike: Hey! Listen up! That’s the end of social TV hour. You can each watch your own channels now. I’m going to spend some quality time with my virtual girlfriend Fuzzy Logic. It’s nice when we get together on-line and interface-to-face.

Rand: I wish I had enough RAM for a virtual girlfriend. Oh well, I guess its back to the Digital CyberSheep Pleasure Ranch

Mike: I thought that was just a petting zoo.

Rand: It is... A heavy petting zoo.

Chip: Hey ewe, put those sheep away, I just checked with Clearinghouse. The freshman have jacked in and Rush is about to begin.

Mike: How are we doing? Is TEP-Virtual Reality all set up? The freshmen are coming soon.

Kia: No, They’re just breathing hard.

Sol: Don’t worry, I upgraded TEP VR with a few more terabytes of storage and re-texture mapped all of the bathrooms. Virtual TEP has never looked spleftier.

SONG: VR at old T E Phi.

(to the tune of Beer, Beer)

All:

V-R at old T-E-Phi

Have the sophmores boot NT

Eunichs will never satisfy me!

We never stagger, we never fall,

In fact we never get up at all

While three quarters of us all

Add links to our own home page

Rand:

If there’s Networks anywhere, anywhere

You’ll be sure that TEPs are there, TEPs are there

If the protocol is T-P-C / I-P

Brothers online there will be.

All:

While half of the brotherhood still doesn’t exist at all.

Sol:

Our party’s like Lorena Bobbit,

they say it’s true,

‘cause well before the evenings over,

We’re hacking UNIX too.

All:

While our loyal chancellor meets girls on the holodeck

Chip:

Bandwidth, chromatic multiplex,

Bandwidth, enhance our cybersex

Bandwidth, the nation’s spanned with

optical cable enable-ing TEPs

All:

Our cyber suits are all snugly fit

Brain stem electrodes don’t hurt a bit

Tubing for our drool and shit

So we never move at all

Mike: What about Real TEP? Is it clean? Did we ever shore up the rotted joists under the house?

Chip: Are you kidding? In today’s virtual world, no one bothers with actual physical “meat to meat” contact during rush week.

Sol: So why do we still call them “Rush meatings?”

Kia: I find the word “meat” objectionable. I think we should call them “Tofu-eatings.”

Rand: I think we should call them “Spleen Beatings.”

Chip: Look, it DOES NOT MATTER. ALL contact with Freshmen will be OVER THE WIRE. In fact, they just logged onto the TEP server...

Doorbell rings

Rand: What’s that?

Sol: It’s a digital sample of a doorbell. It’s tied onto the server.

Kia: Someone better put it on the door.

Mike: Why use a door when you can use Windows™?

TEPs begin to shake hands and introduce themselves to the freshmen who are obviously not actually present.

Chip: Welcome to TEP! I’m alt.tep.brother.rush-chair. Damn glad to e-meat you!

Kia: I still think that should be, “E-tofu!”

Mike: Hush! Have a Grape Soder...virtually, of course. Imagine the sensation...

Gnurd One: HI! I’m Band Width, power-nerd freshman! Wow, you guys have some really cool hyperlinked files! And I LOVE the 3D simulation of the hanging couch which demonstrates its various vibrational modes!

Rand: Definite Bid Material!

Chip: Well, let us show you some other nifty things about TEP-VR... over here we have the recursive center stairwell, and over here we have the recursive center stairwell, and over here...

[cuts in]

Sol: ...And here’s our Mona Lisa, and here’s our chandelier from the house of King Louis the 22nd...

Mike: ...the Lavender King!

The three freshmen wave arms, trying to get attention.

Gnurd One: What high quality scans!! What superb rendering!!

Chip: And don’t miss our delicious food, cooked by our automatic servatron...

The brothers hold up cans of spam and eat out of them

Sol: ...for instance, try a bit of this tender filet mignon with new red potatoes and a fresh basil, arugula, and oregano vinaigrette.

Kia: [eating spam] Or, if you’re not into ruthlessly murdering sweet, harmless little animals, you can also request this delicious and morally superior dish of lentil pilaf with butter roasted shiitake mushrooms.

Meanwhile, freshmen desperately try to gain the attention of the brothers.

Honig knocks on the wall near the front room doors. LOUD knocking noise from offstage.

Jamie Lee: Hello? Is this Tau Epsilon Phi!

Honig: This is where my dad said the house was

Elrond: But it’s disgusting, It hasn’t been cleaned in years

Honig: Yep, this MUST be the right place! Only a place like this could make something like my dad.

Elrond: (to other freshmen): This will get them to pay attention to us....

(to the brothers): AHEM! Um, there’s a knock at the door.

(doorbell rings)

Elrond: I mean, there’s the doorbell.

Honig: Well, go put it on the door.

brothers continue to ignore the freshmen.

Jamie Lee: Is everyone in this house deaf?

Elrond: What?

Honig: No, look...they're...they're...

(brothers over in the center continue their virtual rush)

Chip: And here's our fractal generated MANDELBROT room

Honig: AHHH! They're GEEKING!!!

Jamie Lee: This is pathetic. I'd heard TEP was the one place on campus that wasn't completedly addicted to Macrosoft. What are we going to do now?

Honig: There’s only one thing left to do.

(scary music)

Jamie Lee: What’s that?

Honig: We have to go out and buy some Milk of Magnesia.

Elrond: What’s THAT for?

Honig: You mix it with Vodka to make a Phillip's Screwdriver.

(teps act like they are on Star Trek)

Sol: Captain! There’s been a massive disturbance in the space-time-joke continuum...

Rand: It looks like there is a veritable black hole of humor opening up in the front room

Mike: Brace yourselves...any second now you’ll hear the great sucking sound as all of the funny jokes are vacuumed out of the Crock!

(brothers put their hands up on their ears)

Kia: [pause] I don’t hear anything.

Sol: I’ve pinpointed the disturbance...someone told the Phillips Screwdriver Joke!

Mike: It was funny once, but now it's like the alumni...

Rand: They just log in once a year and drool on the virtual carpet.

(freshmen try to walk over to the brothers)

Elrond: Hey, we’re over here...

(Elrond pulls the plug out of the wall)

Elrond: “Oops”

Mike: Red Alert! Red Alert! We’ve lost our video feed!

(Brothers remove their VR goggles and are hurt by the painful light of reality.)

Sol: Damn!! My tetris game!

Rand: Where are my sheep?!

Chip: We've lost the whole integrated virtual rush system... it's shutting itself down for some reason...

Sol: Our network’s gone down...everything’s gone black...freshmen lost into the void of cyberspace...

Mike: ...TEP will be held responsible...massive rush violations...heavy fines are involved...

Sol: Try power cycling the house mains...maybe we can get the freshman back if we reboot...

Chip: Hey! Rush is DRY! There shouldn’t be any booting.

Rand: We haven’t lost the freshmen... They’re still standing right here

Mike: Zenana! There are REAL MEAT people here. Who are you?

Honig: We are but three poor freshmen, looking for RUSH

Mike: We’re damn glad to meat you, but it’s the End of TEP’s Virtual Reality Rush as We Know It...

It's The End Of VR Rush As We Know It

(to the tune of "End Of The World")

That's great it starts with a downed link

Crashing disks and routers

Now our Rush will be no more

Freshmen can not access

Oh My God, a big huge mess!

Try to get the network up

No such dumb luck

Speed it up to the limit

Rush Bid Pledge TEP

Bladder starts to shatter

With bad oder—Grape Soder™

Cut off from the wire

Disconnected from the net and

Elvis is for hire

In this Rush Week Blight.

No more need to worry ‘bout the

fury of the jury of our

Judd...Comm...Reps

We’ll have to meat the freshmen now

Face to face, Not that!

No V.R. Rush too real

Keep those TEP boys off the Net

Oh, oh overflow

Raving mad TEPs below

Save yourself and us as well

From the netless live Rush Hell!

Tell me of the end of Rush

And with it near the end of us

Freshmen won’t get here at all

They’re hanging at the online mall

Vitriolic alcoholic slim pot crack shlock

Feeling pretty Shocked!

It’s the end of our Rush as we know it

We’re off line and that surely does blow it

We lose big and the truth is we know it

So we’ll just whine...

They might be here in an hour

Now we’re gonna have to Shower!

Bake and burn, return

Listen to your stomach churn

Brothers in true form

Clean Kitchen Counters Quick

All the filth irritates Mr. Kirby aggravates

Regulations, Regulations

Health and Fire codes

We are crush’d, Real Rush

Uh-Oh, this means they’re near

Great fear health inspectors steer clear

It’s disgusting

It’s disgusting, Yuck!

Garbage eradication

By pneumatic funnellation

Into space

It’s the end of our Rush as we know it

Take this junk far away please and stow it

Clean the front room so that we can show it

To the frosh...

The other night, we're being swell

Networks crash, aw hell

Our Rush in ruins, jury-rigged

DAVID ANDREW HONIG

Irving Q. Mojo, Captain TEP and Chuckie Vest

Eating luch, Brezhnev's

Scallion pies boom

Symbiotic idiotic

There goes Rush

EIT?

EIT!

End Scene 1, (Finally!)

Scene 2: Rush Unplugged. TEP-REAL, or TEP-meat or whatever real tep is called.

Rand: Wow, the house really does look pretty nasty...When was the last time we had work assignments?

Sol: Lemme check the Historian files, I’ve got them right here online. Blue steppes! It’s all gone!

Mike: Wow, we really are dependent on this information highway...

Rand: ...and right now it looks like the pothole strewn streets of Boston...

Sol: How will we cope? And what are we going to call this new, wireless TEP?

Kia: I’d call it, “filthy.”

Chip: Let’s call it “TEP Unplugged.”

Kia: Yeah, and then call the health department.

Chip: We’d better clean up the freshmen have started to come.

Kia: Oh great, that’ll be even more to clean up.

Sol: I’ve got to go out for some Minoxodil!

Mike: What’s that for?

Sol: You mix it with Tanqueray and you get a Gin and Hair Tonic!

Kia: Hey get some Minoxidil for me too!

Rand: Why?

Kia: You mix it with soda water and you get a Hair Club for Men!

Chip[: Never mind that! The freshman are here!

Bananas

(to the tune of Bonanza)

Welcome to TEP where we like to schlep Grape Soder

Welcome to TEP it's frosty and wet and it's caffeine-free!

[Chip] What's your name?

[Sol] Where you from?

[Mike] What'd ya like to be?

Welcome to TEP where the floors are swept BiMonthly

Welcome to TEP where the Crock's ineptly rhymed.

Rand: (To freshman) So, who are you folks, anyway? I’m Rand M. Access.

Sol: I’m Sol Der, House Manager. Have a Grape Soder.

Elrond: I’m Elrond Hubbard Jackson-Prestley...Elvis’ grandson.

Rand: Blazing networks!! A legacy!

Chip: I’m Chip Puller, Rush Chairman, Damn Glad To MEAT you!

Honig: And I’m David Andrew Honig, Jr.

Chip: By Ayn Rand’s beard! The prophesy of...

Mike: ...the return of...

Kia: ...the annoying personal habits of...

Sol: David Andrew Honig!

Song: Thus Spake Honig

to the tune of Also Spracht Zarathustra

Daaaaa—vid Andrew Honig

Honig Honig Honig Honig

David Andrew Honig, Objectivist

Honig Honig Honig Honig

Kia: I’m Kia Bored. I hope you’re P.C. compatable.

Mike: I’m Mike Reaux, Chancellor of TEP.

Jamie Lee: And I’m Jamie Lee Bates, but you can just call me J.L.

Rand: J.L. Bates? I bet she’s the daughter of NORMAN BATES!

Mike: No Way! That would be a third TEP legacy in as many minutes!

Kia: Ya know, we have some really weird alumni.

Jamie Lee: Sorry to disappoint, but I’m actually the daugter of Gill Bates, the Master of Macrosoft and the Information Uberarchy.

Sol: Your father? MASTER BATES?

Jamie Lee: Probably a couple of times per week, but I wouldn’t know first hand.

Brothers: Definite Bid Material!

Fun, Fun, Fun

to the tune of “Fun, Fun, Fun” by The Beach Boys

Well she’s got her modem card and she’s cruising on the internet LAN now

Seems she forgot all about the new password that she stole from her man now

And with the Sound-Blaster blasting she’ll go hacking just as fast as she can now

And she’ll have fun, fun, fun, ‘till her daddy takes her keyboard away

Well the gurus can’t stand her ‘cause she’s got their hard drives erased now

hard drives erased now, hard drives erased

She makes an Indigo cluster look like an old PDP 8 now

PDP 8 now, PDP 8

All of the nerds try to catch her but she leaves them all in hyperspace now

In hyperspace now, in hyperspace

And she’ll have fun, fun, fun ‘till her daddy takes her T1 away

Well you knew all along the FBI was getting wise to you now

You shouldn’t have pried now, shouldn’t have pried

And since they changed your public key you’ve been thinking that

your fun is all through now

access denied now, access denied

And you’ll soon be in jail ‘cause you’re the next one on their queue now

Your chips are all fried now, chips are all fried

And she’ll have fun, fun, fun, ‘till her daddy takes her PC away

Mike: (aside to Chip) Who is that? Check out the thickness of her bi-focals! I could get lost in lenses like those.

Sol: What are you thinkin, Man! She’s a freshman.

Kia: Fresh-person!

Chip: Wow, this is just like the old days <sniff> when rush chairs bravely faced hordes of grape-soder slurping freshmen, and offered up such imbecilic entertainments as the Crock Opera^TM

Rand: Those were the days!

Mike: You mean we’re supposed to talk to them and stuff, for real? her too?

Chip: Yeah, her too.

Patriotic music swells - quiet humming of Battle Hymn Of The Republic

Mike: Brother TEPs, we have lost our way. Once proud traditions [pause] and well worn jokes have been forgotten as we have strayed too deep into cyberspace, and too far from the flesh. It is our objectivist duty to hold a rush that the TEPs of yore would be proud of. Or would at least show up for.

shows Se^xdx tatoos to JL

Mike: Hi, what’s your sine?

Jamie Lee: Opposite over hypotenuse. (notices tattoos) Ohh... Look at the size of those calculations.

Mike: You should see the solution.

Jamie Lee: Yes, I’d like that.

Mike: uh, um, er... I guess I’d have to work it out.

Jamie Lee: Maybe we could work it out together.

exit together

Doors close

Narrator And thus the TEPs sallied forth, to do battle with the enormous piles of shit, to clean the kitchen, to unclog the fourth back sink, and to find the lost Elvis Doll. A great cleaning ensued, from which the TEPs emerged victorious and with lower purity scores. Carrying their wounded and herding the sheep gained in plunder, they strode boldly into Act 2.

Act II, Brute

Scene 1: Wherein TEPs break the Internet

Rand: Look what I found, the lost Elvis Doll! [walks offstage]

Sol: [carrying a bunch of wires]: Well, TEP-Unplugged is now on-line.

Kia: You mean off-line.

Sol: Uh, right. And the freshmen will be coming through the front door instead of through our on-ramp.

Kia: You mean off-ramp.

Sol: Right -- off-ramp. And we'll meat them in person, rather than jack-in to do it.

Kia: You mean jack-... never mind.

Sol: So we're completely disconnected?

Chip: Yup. And that'll make us a cut above the rest of the ILG's.

Mike: We're probably the only ILG in all divide world to rush meat-to-meat. And though it seams impossible, the house is even clean, both incise and out.

Sol: Yes, but we’ll have to clean it a Ginsun.

Chip: Just cleave it to me

Kia: Did you clean the craps table, it looks like there’ slice on the dice

a bell rings

Sol: Did you hear something ring?

a bell rings

Kia: Did you hear something ring?

Chip: Ze bellz, zay peel in pares, Julien!

Mike: But wait, tears more!

Sol: You mean we haven’t heard the rend of it?

Kia: Listen, I gotta split and buy uncouple bags of non-virtual soy-substitute biodegradable foods for Cajun-night tonight.

Mike: Why not Bifurcation night at Star-dot-star market down the street?

[Rand runs on stage]

Rand: There's been a horrible accident! All of the freshmen have gone off-line!

Sol: Well of course. We're TEP-unplugged now, remember?

Mike: Yes, but you disconnected us before telling them to come to TEP in the flesh. They're probably still out there interfacing with our virtual-velvet-Elvis collection and wondering where all the brothers are.

Kia: Can't we just rehook-up long enough to send a message saying "come to TEP" and then disconnect again?

Sol: Um, I broke the network connection when I disconnected us.

Chip: What about the TEP-Net link in the Washer/Dryer?

Mike: Its memory got cleaned out. The backup link in the sewage recycling system?

Sol: No, we already flushed the cache. How about The ISDN hookup in the ice cube maker?

Mike: It’s frozen. What about the cellular link in the Rush van?

Kia: It crashed this morning. And the Fibre Optic cable in the safe?

Chip: Locked up. What about the T1 multiplexor on the griddle?

Rand: It’s fried. We’ve tried everything but the kitchen sink, and we can’t use that...

Mike: Why not?

Sol: It’s clogged.

[Rand holds up plunger; Sol thwacks him with script]

Chip: Upstairs kitchen link?

Rand: Too many bugs. We could try the link in the nuclear reactor...

Sol: That dumped core this morning. The SCSI connector on the anatomically correct Ken doll? [holds up Ken doll]

Kia: It’s pretty well hung.

Mike: I know, what about our microwave link?

Sol: Hey, that might work.

[Exunt]

Scene 2: The Microwave

[ Chip is fiddling with the microwave while Sol & Rand look on. Microwave is already in operation, with a bag of popcorn inside.]

Chip: Is it working?

Sol: I think so, but it’s so hard to program these things. I got into its main recipe databank, but it only has cooking words in its vocabulary. I'm sending the message [Slowly & Clearly] "2 Oil Brushees! HI! Peas Meat Tips at 2:53 Cumin-Welch halve." I’ve redirected the output to broadcast directly from net-central in Redmond, Washington. Our message should reach everyone in the whole world.

Chip: How do you monitor the processor status?

Sol: Open the door.

[Rush opens microwave door, revealing the popcorn. Rush looks horrified that there’s something in there. Random takesout the popcorn, which should have popped by now. Opens and eats them.]

Rand: [dribbling popcorn] I think it’s finished. Needs a little salt though.

Sol: [typing furiously at the microwave control pannel] By the Hairy Spleen of Honig! Your stupid bag of popcorn just brought down the entire net in the Western hypersphere. According to this display, infotainment feeds are off-line world-wide, virtual rush is at a stand-still, monitors all over the world are displaying nothing but popcorn, and dinner will be late!

Rand: Maybe everyone will think it’s just a new After-Dark™ screensaver...

Chip: It looks like the entire infobahn is now a popcorn-encrusted cobblestone street, with this microwave as the only feed still sending. Even the link to the National Spleen Infobase is down!!

Useless Piece of Shit

to the tune of "Fiddle About"

Do you think it's all right

To send this packet on the network

Do you think it's all right

It's small and inoffensive

Do you think it's all right

Yes, I think it's all right

Yes, I think it’s all right

I'm your Information Highway

Now I’m jammed with bouncing data

I'm a useless piece of shit

Useless piece of shit

Piece of shit

Al Gore funded me completely

Still I'm broken and I'm useless

I'm a useless piece of shit

Useless piece of shit

Piece of shit

Call Roto-Rooter

Rerute my routers

Piece of shit

I have no worth

As I girdle the Earth

I'm a piece of shit

Useless piece of shit

Useless, Useless, Useless...

Mike: We’d better start broadcasting before anyone notices the net is down!

Rand: We could reheat dinner and call it a cooking show...

Sol: You two, broadcast some sort of show while I try to hook up more bandwidth. [Exits]

Chip: What'll we do?

Mike: [opening microwave door & speaking into it] Hello! We're sorry for the minor glitch. An earthquake triggered a mudslide that ruptured a gasline, causing a wildfire whose smoke aggravated the allergies of a 747 pilot, making him sneeze, lose control, and crash his plane into a coal barge which then rammed a railway bridge instantly derailing a passing AmTrack train ... but that’s not important. A work crew in New Jersey severed the Main Fibre Optic Lane of the Information Superhighway. So, we’ll now bring you some programming that doesn’t tke up a lot of bandwidth, like, um, like, ah...

Kia: [In an announcerly voice]: Welcome to ESPN, the Electronic Shadow Puppet Network.

Rand: When we last met our heros, Mr. Shoe [takes off shoe] was distraught because his wife, Mrs. Other shoe [takes off other shoe], had dropped him for [looks around, grabs hat from House] Mr. Hat here. Let's join them in Shadow puppet land...

[Puts all three in microwave & closes door. Pauses a beat]

Rand: OK... It’s night in Shadow puppet land. But don't go away now because it’s time for a word from our sponsor...

Cyber: Hi. I’m Cyber Sperling. Did you know it takes only 2.2 seconds to steal a toupe? That’s why I invented the [puts it on] Hair Club For Men.

Chip: Welcome back to the TEP Psychotic Hotline...

Kia: [stage whisper]: Psychic!

Chip: The TEP Psychic Hotline to famous dead celebrities. You can hear from such favorites as John Wayne, John Wayne Bobbit, John Wayne Bobbitt’s severed appendage, James Dean, and Macauly Culkin.

Rand: Let me introduce one of our psychics, Katrine. She’s going to do a reading of a famous dead celebrity for us. [to Kia] Hello Katrine. So who are you going to do a reading of?

Kia: [in ze cheesey accent] Today, I will channel vit Barney!

Mike: One verse of that song and you’re history.

Rand: Barney, how did it feel to be ripped limb from limb by five year olds and then dropped into a milk vat at Dairy Farms?

Vegan [after “reading”]: He says it hurt at first, but he’s all butter now.

[Enter Sol & frosh & all to save us from this meaningless diatribe which is going nowhere and signifying nothing. Chip is carrying a toaster. Others have equipment for a rock video]

Sol: Great work guys! I just rigged up a full-bandwidth digital HDTV video hookup.

Chip: [pointing at toaster]: What's that?

Elrond: That's our video toaster. Now we can do rock videos until the Internet feeds are restored.

Honig: We can sing songs by classic rock and roll bands, like Pearl Jam and Smashing Pumpkins.

Mike: Wait, I know a song that's even older than any of theirs. One that's so old that the alumni have sung it during Rush every year since 1622. It’s a tradition!

All, including audience: Did you say Tuition?

Plant in audience: There's a song about tuition!

Mike: There most certainly is such a song. [Dramatic Pause, with appropriate tuition piano vamp] But we’re not going to sing that one. [pause]. Yet!

Beer, Beer, At Old Tee Eee Phi

to the tune of the Notre Dame Fight Song

Beer, Beer at old Tee Eee Phi

You bring the whiskey, I'll bring the rye

Send those freshmen out for gin

Don't let a sober sophomore in

We never stagger, we never fall

We sober up on straight ethanol

While three-quarters of us all

Lie drunk on the Geoffroom floor

If there's drinking anywhere (anywhere)

You'll be sure that TEPs are there (TEPs are there)

If the party lasts 'till 1 or 2 or 3

Some brothers always there will be

While the newest freshmen all lie drunk in the chapter room.

Chip:

The party punch is 80 proof

Spike it, Spike it

We need all that alcohol

To keep us well preserved

While our loyal chancellor lies drunk in the kitchen sink.

Rand:

Southern Comfort or Jack Daniels

Either one I would employ

Two full jiggers add an ice cube

And I call it "Ode to Joy"

B.J.C.F.R.

Our parties are like Clinton’s health plan

They say it’s true

‘Cause well before the evening’s over

We’re compromis-ed , too

While half of the brotherhood lies drunk in the chapter room.

Sol:

Liquor - along with beer and wine

Liquor - it makes us really shine

Liquor - that extra kicker

There is no more strife

we feel life

is fine

We never stagger, we never fall

We sober up on wood alcohol

while three-quarters of us all

Lie drunk on the Geoffroom floor

[Exunt]

Scene 3 Misunderstanding in the Front Room:

[Enter Mike from stage right, followed by Men’s Chorus(tm). Enter Jamie Lee from stage left, followed by Women’s Chorus(tm)]

Rand: [To Chance]: So now that you’ve met a real woman, what’re you gonna do about your virtual girlfriend?

Kia: [To Jamie]: So now that you’ve met a real man[cough], what are you gonna do about your virtual boyfriend?

Network Loving

to the tune of “Summer Loving “from Grease

Mike: Network loving, had me a blast

Jamie: Network loving, happened so fast

Mike: Met a girl, ooh she was fine

Jamie: Met a boy, on a chat line

All: Packets meet, turn up the heat

But oh, cyber-love really bytes

Men: A wella wella wella woop

Tell me more, tell me more

Man#1: Did you deep interface?

Women: Tell me more, tell me more

Woman #1: Does he have much free space?

All: uh huh, do wop, uh huh, do wop, uh huh, do do do do do

Mike: Sent me email, in PGP

Jamie: Sent him email with my public key

Mike: Still don’t know, what all it sa-a-aid

Jamie: Still don’t know, if it got read

All: Lovin’ peaks, god but they’re geeks

But oh, cyber-love really bytes.

Men: A wella wella wella woop

Tell me more, tell me more

Man#1: How’d she look in hi-rez

Women: Tell me more, tell me more

Woman #1: How’s he look in a fez?

All: uh huh, do wop, uh huh, do wop, uh huh, do do do do do

Mike: She was screamin’, modem’n fast

Jamie: We were dreamin’, that it could last

Mike: We made out, MUDing till three-ee-ee

Jamie: We just kissed, virtually.

All: zephyr sent, lady to gent

But oh, cyber-love really bytes.

Choruses: Woa Woa Woa

Women: Tell me more, tell me more

Woman #1: Cyber-love never ends

Men: Tell me more, tell me more

Man#1: Can she upload some friends?

[Slow, with feeling]

Jamie: Time to tell him, here’s where it ends

Mike: Gotta tell her, we’ll just be friends

Jamie: Need a guy, with arms I can feel

Mike: Need a girl, who’s really real

Both: Net romance, without a chance

But, oh, cyber-love really by-ytes.

Choruses: Tell me more, Tell me mo-o-o-o-ore!

Mike: Well, now that we have a net connection again I should go talk to her.

Jamie Lee: I guess I better get on with it.

[Exit all but Mike and Jamie Lee, who each put on VR-headsets]

Mike: Login name: Captain, password: Philips Screwdriver Usual manly physical characteristics. Location: virtual Paris. [Starts rehearsing in his head what he’s going to say to her when she logs in].

Jamie Lee: Login name: Fuzzy Logic, password DOS-SUX. Usual physical characteristics. Location: virtual Paris. Find “Captain”.

[They now notice each other in cyberspace]

Jamie Lee: [a little nervous] Hi Captain. Been waiting long?

Mike: [also nervous]: No, Fuz. I just got here myself. Listen, I have something to tell you...

Jamie Lee: I have something to talk about too. I don’t know how to put this, but ... well, there’s someone else.

Mike: How did you find out that I’m dumping you for a Material Girl?

Jamie Lee: You mean you’re seeing someone else? You...Bamboozller!

Mike: But ... I just met ‘er. Actually I’m kind of in love with her, and I think she likes me, too.

Jamie Lee: What does she have that I don’t?

Mike: Nothing really. You’re as good as she is. She’s just...different.

Jamie Lee: Obviously different in ways you like better! What is it, money? Is she rich?

Mike: She’s Gill Bates’ daughter, so she’s rich, but that’s not it at all.

[Jamie Lee looks over her VR glasses at Chancellor, gets a knowing and somewhat malicious grin on her face, then puts them back on.]

Jamie Lee: [Coldly] I see.

Mike: Look, you’re a wonderful person.

Jamie Lee: [Accusingly.] You find her more attractive.

Mike: I didn’t say that.

Jamie Lee: Is she as pretty as I am?

Mike: Not actually, no. You’re very attractive, and uh, um, she’s rather plain. Uh, she squints a little.

Jamie Lee: She squints.

Mike: I guess she might be a little on the short side, too.

Jamie Lee: Is she as smart as I am?

Mike: Well, I guess you might be smarter, I don’t...

Jamie Lee: So she’s a dummy too. Well, is she as warm a person as I am? That’s it, isn’t it? She’s a kindly warm person compared to me, right?

Mike: No, you’re a very warm loving person!

Jamie Lee: So you’re leaving me for a cold-hearted, stupid, homely, squinty-eyed midget! You can go to hell!

[Jamie Less rips off her VR goggles throws them to the ground, and storms off stage. Chancellor looks confused, takes off his goggles, and finally gets a clue.]

Mike: Holy Doppleganager! They’re the same person!

[Exunt]

Scene 4: The front room

[Elrond, Honig, Rand, and Kia are hanging out]

Elrond: Hey, a big stretch limo just pulled up outside.

Honig: And look, it’s made entirely of glass.

Elrond: That’s strange, making a limo out of glass would make it slow, easily broken, and hard to use. All for the sake of windows.

Mike: It must be:

All: Gill Bates’ limo!

[Piano vamps “Hail to the Chief”, enter Gill Bates]

Gill: So, this is Tau Epsilon Phi. This fraternity took over my infobaun earlier today, causing 22-minutes of annoying programming.

Rand: Yeah, we didn’t think anyone would notice any difference.

Gill: Your burnt popcorn, smelly footwear, and insipid rock videos caused me to lose over $2.2 Gizillion of revenue!

Sol: You could see it as a sort of cleaning out. You know, a sort of Milk of Magnesia for the Internet.

Rand: And we didn’t burn the popcorn!

Gill: I suppose you’d welcome a little cleaning out yourselves. I have just purchased this house, and indeed all the Back Bay, from its mortgage holders. It shall be gutted and converted into living quarters for Macrosoft lawyers and marketing executives.

[Dire chords]

Kia: You wouldn’t dare! That would destroy the entire ecosystem of the Boston-Cambridge area!

Honig: Yeah, who do you think you are?

Gill: Well, I’ll tell you.

Macrosoft Executive

to the tune of ”Modern Major General”

I am the very model of a Macrosoft Executive

Work sixteen hours ev'ry shift on days that are consecutive

I make a line of software that is of the highest quality

But leave in bugs to fix with upgrades in perpetuality

Though some might claim that we compete in ways that are not very just

That's just vindictive rumor spun by folks who can't compete with us

Besides they cannot prove a thing, no judge will ever take their side

We'll crush them with our lawyers known for litigation far and wide.

All:

He'll crush them with his lawyers known for litigation far and far and wide.

Gill:

My coders work a shed-ule bordering on impropriety

But they'll still work for peanuts til they're vested in entirety

I'm sure that you will all agree that this is all indicative

That I'm the very model of a Macrosoft Ex-i-cutive!

All:

I'm sure that you will all agree that this is all indicative

He is the very model of a Macrosoft Executive!

Gill:

We made our windows system one which we hold in propriety

And tweak it every now and then to screw up Lotus 1-2-3

Developing for Windows makes our competition often frown

They haven't any choice -- our system is the only game in town.

We'll use people's inventions that will make our software sell the best

Idea is the first step but the market really is the test

And though we may use other's thoughts and intellectual property

Stealing's such a nasty word, I like to call it R and D.

All:

Stealing's such a nasty word, he likes to call it R and R and D.

Gill:

My business tactics are compared with Henry Ford and Genghis Kahn

They built me up from nerdy kid to billionaire and then beyond

And while my competition spews out words full of invec-u-tive

I am the very model of a Macrosoft Executive!

All:

And while his competition spews out words full of invec-u-tive

He is the very model of a Macrosoft Executive!

Honig: That’s all well and good, but we’re some of the brightest folk in the country. Why, I’m in the top one-percent of national average on my SAT.

Elrond: Me too.

Rand: Me four, uh, I mean three.

Mike: Actually, since they changed the SAT test back in 1994 to stop differentiating high scorers, everyone is in the top one percent.

Kia: [looks at Rand] You know, that’d explain a lot...

Gill: Besides, as soon as I buy up the Back-Bay, I plan to buy MIT as well and institvte my own test: The Windows Aptitude Test.

Rand: The WAT?

Gill: Yes.

Kia: Buying MIT has been tried by villians in several Crocks, and they’ve never gotten away with it.

[Enter Jamie Lee, followed by Chance. They are arguing.]

Jamie Lee: ...How could you! Not only do you insult me, but you were two-timing me! Twice! You are the lowest, most disgusting, evil... oh, hi Daddy.

Gill: Princess! What are you doing here?

Jamie Lee: I’m Rushing. What are you doing here?

Gill: I just bought the entire Back-Bay (including Commonwealth Avenue, Boston’s scenic Champs-Elisees), and I am crushing it utterly. You know, business as usual.

Jamie Lee: But Daddy, you can’t destroy TEP!

Gill: Now, darling... father knows best.

Jamie Lee: No, you don’t understand -- you can’t destroy TEP. I won’t sign off on it.

Elrond: He needs you to sign off?

Jamie Lee: Dad gave me 50% of Macrosoft as a way to dodge anti-trust regulations. He can’t do anything without my approval.

Honig: Wayta go!

Kia: See, I told you Crock villians never get away with that plan...

Gill: All, right Princess. Even though they cost me $2.2 Gizillion, I won’t crush them like grapes. Heck, to show there’s no hard feelings, I’ll even give you all a pre-release copy of Doom: The Next Generation, starring Mortal Super Mario the Street-Fighting Hedgehog. You’ll love it.

[General murmers of how cool this is from the frosh & brothers]

Gill: Due to the Slack-It technology Macrosoft just recently sto... [clears throat] invented, the entire game comes on just 253 CD-ROMs. [Hands a big box to Chance] And it’s trivial to install.

Rand: Great! So let’s go install it!

[Exunt omnes sans vilanus]

Gill: Hah! Those fools! That wasn’t Doom, that was Newark, (code name for Windows v.22: Windows for Spleens) As soon as they install that program their spleens will be co-opted by my operating system, and they will be Oobleck in my hands! Bwahahahaha!

[Exunt]

Scene 5: Nukes

[Enter Chip, Jamie Lee, Mike, Honig, and Elrond. Jamie Lee and Mike are very clearly avoiding each other. Honig is between them.]

Chip: This game will be great when it finally finishes loading!

Elrond: It could be a trap.

Mike: Why do you say that?

Elrond: This registration card isn’t for Doom. It says “Be sure to register your copy of the Newark Operating System with your family physician.”

Jamie Lee: Newark?!? Oh no!

Mike: [to Jamie Lee] What’s that? [to Honig] I mean ask her what Newark is.

Jamie Lee: [to Honig] What did he say?

Honig: He wants to know what Newark is.

Jamie Lee: It’s an industrial waste dump. It has hardly changed since the 20th century when it was an inhabited city.

Honig: I think he means the Newark Operating System.

Jamie Lee: That’s Windows for Spleens. It turns your spleen into mush.

Chip: It says right here [holds up Weekly World News] that the spleen is the centre of human consciousness.

Jamie Lee: In his case, no one will notice.

Elrond: She say’s it’ll turn your spleen to mush.

Mike: Great. Ask her how we can stop it.

Honig: How do we stop it?

Jamie Lee: Tell him the only way to stop the spleen-musher is to perform the installation correctly on the first try. Without the manual.

Mike: What’d she say?

Elrond: She say’s we’re dead, dude.

Kia: I know what we can do!

Chip: What?

Kia: We can build a nuclear bomb and blow up Gill Bates. His summer home is nearby, on Martha’s Vineyard.

Sol: How will that help us with Newark?

Plant: A nuclear bomb couldn’t make it any worse!

Sol: I’ll go make a bomb from the unspent plutonium from our reactor in the basement. Rand, come help me.

Exit Sol & Rand

Honig: You have a reactor in the basement?

Mike: But of course.

Chip: Course 22, that is.

Our House Is A Reactor

to the tune of the Addams Family (television show) theme

Our house has a reactor

Where safety's not a factor

And everybody's cracked here

Our house is T-E-P

253 [click click] 253 [snap snap] 253, 253, 253.

Control rods they are all out

The fire escapes we crawl out

To avoid the fallout

Inside of T-E-P

253 [Big Bird: doot doot] 253 [Big Bird: awk scraaack] 253, 253, 253.

Our house is gonna blow now

We're gonna start to glow now

I think we'd better go now

Remember T-E-P

[Enter Sol carrying an atom bomb, made up of odds and ends including a can labled with plutonium’s atomic symbol (Pu, in case you forgot) and a Hammer & Sickle.]

Sol: Here’s the bomb -- let’s head for Martha’s Vineyard!

[Exitus Everyoneus]

Act III (we need a colon) Are We Done Yet?

Scene 1: Chapaquidick

[Enter cast members.]

Mike Well, here we are at Martha’s Vineyard. All we need to do is find Gill Bates’ compound.

Sol Hey, what’s that seaweed-covered limousine over there? [Goes across stage, peer at plaque.] This placard says, “Press button for recreation of boozy womanizing liberal.’’ [Presses button.]

Kia An animatronic simulacrum of the famous Senatah, Ked Tennedy, is getting out of the limo!

Drunken Teddy's Sunken Black Sedan

(to the tune of "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band")

It was fifty years ago today

Drunken Teddy plunged into the bay

It's been going in and out of press

And it's really been a P.R. mess

So let us introduce to you

The senatah who's full of Beeyahs

Drunken Teddy's Sunken Black Sedan.

(musical interlude)

It's Drunken Teddy's sunken black sedan

Don't wait for me to get your door

It's Drunken Teddy's sunken black sedan

I hope that you can swim ashore (glug glug glug glug)

Drunken Teddy's sunken,

Drunken Teddy's sunken black sedan

It's wonderful to be heah

We really took a spill

You're such a lovely passenger

I hope you wrote your will,

The cah's stahting to fill.

He did really want to stop the car

But he drove a little bit too far

And it's really hard to call for help

When you're choking on a wad o' kelp

So let us introduce to you,

The one an only Senatah

Drunken Teddy's Sunken Black Sedan!

Kia: We must be at the Chapaquidick National Historical Site.

Rand: Right! The Black Sedan and the Senatah were attractions at the adjacent failed theme park, “Disney’s Chapaquidick.”

Sol: I remember now. It was closed after historians objected to minor inaccuracies such as the seven dwarfs in the car with Mary Jo Kopechne.

Mike: Besides, Disney got no repeat business on the flume ride.

Rand: Well, let’s get in the car.

Jamie Lee: We’re not allowed. The sign says, “You must be this drunk to take this ride.”

Sol: The animatronic Ked Tennedy is starting to move. What does he have in his hand, a chowder pot?

Kia: No, it’s a war chest of PAC money for his reelection campaign.

[Ked faces wrong direction, gives his spiel without interacting with TEPs.]

Ked: Howdy boys. What’s the difference between President Rush Limbaugh and the Hindenburg?

Chip: Is he talking to us?

Ked: One’s a flaming Nazi gasbag, and the other is a dirigible. [pause] Hey, you’re a great audience. But seriously folks, I want to discuss something that’s no laughing matter—Chappaquidick. I don’t think you’ve heard my side of the story ... enough times.

Chappaquidick

(to the tune of "Ein Firstenburg")

A peaceful countryside painted by spring

A crystal river crossing our path

This tranquil setting is such a fine thing

Perhaps you'd like to take a long bath

My darling have no fear

Your screams I'll never hear

I wonder just what you'll feel

In just a moment we'll

Drive off that bridge when we come to it

A tragic error was Chappaquiddick

My time could have been much better spent

Your parents call me a bastardous prick

You've stopped me becoming president

So let's go for a ride

You just might join my side

Please understand my zeal

For in a moment we'll

Drive off that bridge when we come to it

Ked: Now I’m off to take my nephew out for a drink. Enjoy the rest of your visit to “Disney’s Chappaquiddick: the Submerged Kingdom.”

Rand: What happens if I push the button again? [Pushes the button.]

Ked: [Walks back on-stage.] I don’t think you’ve heard my side of the story ... enough times.

[Piano vamps., chorus comes back on stage (ick, what a mess)]

All: Aaaah!

Chip: Run away!

[Doors close.]

Scene 2: The Bates Family Compound

Chip: Here we are at the Bates compound. Did you pack the bomb?

Kia: Yes, and we disguised it as a giant emu egg. I’ve got it here next the photo albumin.

Mike: I hope you closed the hatch after you were done chicken the bomb.

Sol: How do we get inside the house?

Rand: It’s shortest if you go through the porti-co, less to roll is better.

Jamie Lee: That’s no portico; it’s just an ordinary poach.

Kia: If we’re caught, it’ll be the quiche of death.

Mike: White you bring that up? Are you yolking, or are you starting to crack?

Kia: Quit meringueing me.

Chip: If Gill hadn’t benedict and scrambled everything, this Internet mix-up could have been over easy. Let’s get cooking. The b-om lettes us fry Gill like French Toast!

Jamie Lee: Hey! You can’t nuke my father’s house!

Chip: Stay in queue, bates! (incubates) Besides, it dozen have to be so bad ... look on the sunny side.

Mike: Don’t coddle her or egg her on. Hen she realizes what a hard boiled, poultry character that devil is, shell get over it.

Chip: Just set the timer for three minutes.

Jeopardy theme starts, quietly at first. Sol sets the bomb

Rand: But after three minutes, the yolk is still soft and runny.

Jamie Lee: Yeah, like Mike over there.

Sol: I’ve armed the bomb by setting an elegtric timer - we just kneed to wait a little while before elbow up, allowing us to wrist control from Gill ankle him at the same time!

Kia: Wait a minute...what happens to us when the bomb goes off?

Sol: Oh, don’t worry about it...just slather on some of this SPF 22,000 sun block.

Rand: Another fine TepCo product.

[Everyone turns their backs to the bomb and covers their ears. Jeopardy theme - gets faster and louder, then ends. Kia looks around]

Kia: Why hasn’t the bomb blown up yet? I bet the system crashed.

Mike: How can that be? We used the latest version of the operating system.

Chip: Maybe the system thinks it’s 1922, because it only uses two digits to store the year.

Rand: Perhaps it was running Macrosoft Complete Baseball and it went on strike.

Sol: [Looks at the bomb.] Actually, it says, “System error 22: fur in core.” [Pulls Winnie-the-Pu doll out of Bomb.] Why is this doll in the bomb core?

Rand: Because your instructions said “insert Pu.”

Sol: That’s not P-O-O-H, you microcephile, it’s P-U.

Rand: Is it my fault you can’t spell?

Kia: Now what are we going to do?

Mike: One thing at a time. First let’s get inside.

one door is half open. Gill steps out each time....

Chip: Let me try faking my way in. [knock on door; Gill Bates opens door, wearing a Hair Club.] Hi, I’m Cyber Sperling of the Hair Club for Men. Would you be interested in ... Oh, I see you already have one.

Gill: I’m not just a customer, I own the company.

Gill steps behind door

Sol: Let’s pretend that we’re Jehovah’s witnesses, and stump him with questions about the origins of mankind and DOS.

[to Gill] Hello, we’re from the Jehovah’s Witnesses...could we interest you in...

Gill: No thanks...I give only to the Heresy Club for Men.

Kia: I’m taking up a collection for those brave souls who prevent the unnecessary incineration of redundant decorative vegetation.

Bates: Oh yes, the Spare Shrub Fire-men. I gave at the office.

Mike: [knock, knock] I’m the Energizer bunny. Need some batteries?

Bates: Harvard men aren’t interested in carrying batteries. Let me introduce you to my bouncer ... he’s my Hare Club Fore-man.

Foreman: Get outta here, ya stoopid rabbit.

Rand: We could pretend to be two lost German tourists visiting Martha’s Vineyard! [they go to the door] Guten morgen, ve are Hans und Franz Clübfuhrmenn. May ve speak mit Herr Bates please?

Gill: [Shakes hands with Rand.] Guten Tag, Herr Clübfuhrmenn. [Shakes hands with Chip:] Guten Tag, Herr Clübfuhrmenn. Wie gehtz?

Chip: No, YOU Gates. We Hans and Franz.

Gill exits

Rand: Hmm, I guess us no sprechen sie deutche too good!

Sol: If only there was some other way to get in!

Jamie Lee: Actually, a key is hidden under a piece of wood somewhere around here.

Kia: What kind of plank?

Jamie Lee: A key board.

Rand: Well, it looks like Interstate 495 to me.

Jamie Lee: [looks around, pulls out a huge furry dildo.] No, that’s not it. [Hands it to Chip.]

Chip: What is this, a two-handed battle dildo?

Jamie Lee: No, it’s a hairy club for Ken. I found the key; let’s go in.

Scene 3: Inside the manse

[Enter all.]

Chip: Well, we’re in the house, but what are we going to do now?

Sol: Lets confront Gill, and turn him into a Lung!

Chip: How are you going to do that?

Sol: We’ll paint him red and call it Marxist evolution!

Kia: We could call Janet Reno at the Department of Justice.

Rand: Why, to have the ATF torch the compound?

Kia: Of course not! She can bring an antitrust suit and break him up into seven Baby Bills.

[Gill Bates enters.]

Gill: I see you have found the back door to my security system. Did you think you were unobserved? I watched you through my windows.

Mike: Gill Bates, I challenge you to Mortal Kombat.

Gill: In my Space Invaders aren’t welcome. I accept your challenge to Mortal Kombat—Two of you against me because I am a Street Fighter.

Mike: Well, I’m a Street Fighter, II.

Gill: You must be a donkey—kong you really believe you can beat me alone? For you it will be a nightmare -- yo’ brothers will go to their Doom as well.

Jamie Lee: I’ll fight also. You’d better Pac-Man, start running to some WisconSim City 2000 miles from here, and say good-bye to high-tech Civilization...because I’m a Super Street Fighter II.

Mike: You’re my Star -- Foxy, smart, and brave! I should never have doubted you.

Sol: This combat is meat-to-meat, Gill, not Virtual—Fight ‘er at your own risk.

Chip: I’ll be despongdent if he kills her. Heavy fines are involved if she’s Myst by Clearinghouse.

Rand: No problem. My investment in pork belly futures has recently gone super-Sonic—The Hedged Hog market sure is lucrative if you bribe the securities inSpectre.

Gill: [to Jamie Lee] Your TEP quintette risks not just their own lives, but yours as well. [Gets in en-guard position.] My sweet little tadpole! Position yourself.

[The three combatants use wrist rests as swords and keyboards as shields. They begin a foolishly-choreographed battle.]

[Gill cuts off Mike’s hand.]

Mike: You cut off my hand!

Rand: Eit!

Kia: Now he’s less handsome.

Gill: I have something to tell you. I’m your father.

Jamie Lee: I knew that, Daddy!

Gill: I was talking to Mike. I’m his father, too.

Rand: Uh Oh, what about all of that integration and differention you two did together?

Jamie Lee: It was only e-to-the-x, so nothing really happened.

Mike: [to Gill] You’re my father? That explains this birthmark. [Raises shirt to show a Microsoft Windows birthmark.]

Gill: Join me: I can teach you much about undocumented DOS commands.

Rand: Hey look, I have one of those birthmarks too. [Shows it.] So Gill must be my father as well.

Chip: Me too. [Shows it.] That makes us brothers. [hugs Rand].

Sol: But you were already brothers.

Kia: Actually, now they’re half brothers.

Rand: That makes us less related than we were before! [stops hugging Chip]

Sol: What a coincedence! I have the same birthmark. [shows it]

Kia: Me too.

Gill: That cheesy Swiss sperm bank turned out to be full of holes. Now I will finish off my murderous progeny with the secret Control-Alt-Delete command. [Goes into a Wu Tang position, then cries in pain.] Ow! My carpal tunnel syndrome has terminally crippled me!

[Drops his weapon and shield.]

Jamie Lee: [Holds wrist rest to Gill’s throat.] You are now at my mercy! Tell us how to un-install Newark.

Gill: There’s no way to un-install it. It’s a virus. To delete it, you’ll have to destroy the host.

Kia: That means we need ...

Gill: Yes, a splenectomy!

during the first two verses, the Doctor performs splenectomii on the brothers, sisters, et. al.

Splenectomy

(to the tune of “Lobotomy”)

Last night was an ugly scene

Had to amputate a spleen

(He) said the pain was in his knees

solution? a SPLENECTOMY!!

You can laugh but it's not funny

(It) happened to my uncle Sonny

Even back when I was three

I knew what I'd want to be

Had no time to come to dinner

(I was) rearranging Rover's innards

Some kill babies and some hug trees

I wanna do SPLENECTOMIES!

SPLENECTOMY! SPLENECTOMY!

Doctor:

(I've) taken spleens out near and far

(I) keep successes in a jar

(Some)times I operate again

(be)cause I left my scalpel in

I don't do it for the money

I love doing SPLENECTOMIES!

SPLENECTOMY! SPLENECTOMY!

Sol: Do you know ``What it’s like to go through life without a spleen’’?

Chip: No, but if you hum a few bars, I can fake it!

If I Only Had A Spleen

[to the tune of “If I only Had A Brain” from The Wizard of Oz]

I would never need injections

to ward off nasty infections

If I only had a spleen

I could welcome your affections

with complete immune protections

If I only had a spleen

I could stop all the transfusing

and make all the blood that I am using

If I only had a spleen

You’d be so glad for me

and my full anatomy

If I only had a spleen

Life would be fun and amusing

with no bacteria abusing

If I only had a spleen

You may think it doesn’t matter

but a spleen’s more than a bladder

If I only had a spleen

I could while away the hours

testing my immune powers

If I only had a spleen

I would never need to scour

in a disinfectant shower

If I only had a spleen

All of my lymphatic nodes

would sing in an emphatic mode

If I only had a spleen

Chip: Now that we’ve had our spleens removed at General Hospital, we’ll be safe for all the Days of Our Lives.

Gill: Since I have only one life to live, I will offer you a Guiding Light to Another World.

Kia: Will you answer the eternal questions of life that mankind has asked as long As the World Turns?

Rand: Why the backslash, Gill? Why the Backslash?

Gill: No, I’m not answering any questions. Instead, I’m dividing my money among All my children.

Sol: If we split Gill’s money, we’ll have just enough to pay our tuition.

Audience: Did you say tuition?

Sol: Yes, I did. There’s a song about that. And we’re going to sing it now.

Rand: That means this must be “The End Of The Crock As We Know It”

piano vamps ands does a neat segue into tuition...

Mike: No, it’s just the end of The Crock...

Tuition

(to the tune of "Tradition")

Tuition! Tuition! Tuition!

When I was just a lad I studied hard at school you see

The thing I wanted most was to get into MIT

And now I'm here the end is near; my grades were good enroute.

There's just one thing between me and that sheepskin from the 'Tute.

Poor Student! Poor Student! Tuition!

I'm sorry to report to you we can't give you a loan

Your dad makes too much money that we'd like to call our own.

So borrow, beg, or steal, I don't care how you get the dough.

A second mortgage, sell the car, just pay me what you owe.

The Bursar! The Bursar! Tuition!

Well son, I see your grades this term have not been all that hot.

You still won't get a haircut, my last birthday you forgot

Your brother and two sisters I still have to put through school

So if you think you'll get a dime you really are a fool!

The Father! The Father! Tuition!

I came out east to go to school and try to learn a trade

And now I'm on the street 'cause they refused financial aid.

So I'll just have to take the only job that I can choose:

I'll open up a hardware store and sell left handed screws...

Tuition! Tuition! Tuition!

[Exeunt alles.]