The Rise and Fall of the Wholly Tepp Empire

 

A Geek Tragedy

in Four Acts

with Three Stooges

and Two many puns

 

 

A Production of TEPSTERPIECE THEATER

 

 

 

 

 

(C) 1992 Tepsico Productions and Farm Implements

 

 

 

Act I:        And It All Started So Well....

 

Scene 1: A Few Days Before Rush

(Start with Masterpiece Theater musak)

 

 

 

Allistair Crook:                Good evening and welcome to Tepsterpeice Theater.  It grieves me to report that our scheduled production of “Brideshead's Revisited Again” was unfortunately canceled by the producer to clear a sound stage for “Terminator 22: The Horrible Accident.”.  We shall present instead for your viewing pleasure a new production, “The Rise and Disengorgement of the TEP Empire:  A Geek Tragedy,” an historical docu-drama in 4 acts.  We turn now to this intrepid group of adventurers at their comfortable home on Boston’s prestigious Commonwealth Avenue as they ponder the empty blissless nature of their lives....

 

Sissyface:                This Crock is being temporarily interrupted so that we may bring you this important Public Service Announcement By the TEP Xi Crock Writers Guild:

 

 

Gillollapalooza

(sung to the tune of "Gilligan's Theme")

 

Sit right back and you'll watch a Crock

A Crock with a dreadful plot

We wrote it just the few of us

The other Alumni Suck

 

The writer's block soon hit us all

And we were quite dismayed

If not for the lameness of the a-lum-ni

The Crock, it would be saved

The Crock, it would be saved!

 

We pulled out rhyming diction’ries

The last ten years of Crocks

If this one sucks, don't come to us

We gave it our best shot.

 

No Joe Malden, no Josh Lubarr

The rest all think...its next week

It’s the Crock, the alums forgot

But at least it has a plot.

 

NOT!

 

Alumni Exitus

Brothers walk on

 

Sophomoricles:                But, my dear Brother Playdough, let us say that I clean half of the front room and, then, of the remaining half I clean half, and then of that half half again, we are drawn inexorably to the conclusion that it is both philosophically and morally impossible to actually clean the room completely.

 

Playdough:                Yes; and ‘tis better to do a task not at all than to leave it half completed.  Verily, I can see well why it is that you cannot do your work assignment.  This then, Sophomoreclese, is the famed “Peeno’s Paradox?”

 

Sophomoricles:                No, rather, that well-tested axiom shows the impossibility of ever reaching the Joff Room with a fully loaded bladder in less than an infinite number of steps.

 

Playdough:                Well spake, Sophomoricles.  That doth remind me of a ditty fine on Philosophy...

 

 

Philosophy at Old TEPhi

(To the Tune of “Beer, Beer” of course)

 

Philosophy at old TEPhi,

You bring Aquinas, I'll wonder why

Send Confucious out for gin,

Don't let a faulty doctorine in.

We always argue our point of view,

You with Spinoza, I'll take Camus.

Waxing metaphysically on

totally irrelevent shit.

 

If there is flaming anywhere (anywhere!)

You'll be unsure that TEPS are there.

When the rambling lasts 'til one or two or three,

Ancient, dead philosophy.

 

While our loyal chancellor THOREAUs up in the kitchen sink.

 

The dinner gnast is hemlock too

drink it, drink it

We need poisn in our veins

to dull the mental pain

 

While 3/4 of us all quite possibly don't exist

 

Nietzsche, he calls us Ubermensch,

Satre, he is an existench,

-alist, or is it dualist,

I don't know, and I get so confused.

 

Aristot-a-lot that you can do to stop the flamage.

 

Don't mind the sceptics,

And pessemists,

Declaim your thesis, we'll get the gist

Please discourse objectively

Or Honig will get real pissed.

 

 

Sophomoricles:                Quin itio dixerat renovans.

 

Playdough:                Eum te FREGE qui ego fum. crock scribenda est.

 

Sophomoricles:                Dic dum hoc Russell.

 

Playdough:                Goedel me tum dicam si mihi hoc verbo licebit uti!

 

Uselysses:                Latin’s a dead language, you know.

 

Sophomoricles:                Il faut que j’achete du Milk de la Magnesia

 

Playdough:                Porquoi ,mon frére très chèr?

 

Sophomoricles:                Je voudrais le mélanger avec le Vodka, pour faire le Screwdriver de Phillipe!

 

Playdough:                Eh bien!

 

Uselysses:                Wait, I didn’t quite catch that...

 

Playdough:                Für Milk des Magnesia brauche ich auszugehen

 

Sophomoricles:                Warum sagen Sie das?

 

Playdough:                Mit Wotka es ist ein Screwfahrer des Phillip!

 

Aggamemorandum:                With those jokes cleared out of the way, we can start getting the house cleaned up for Rush.  It’s only a week away, you know.

 

(Knock at the door)

 

Uselysses:                Isn't that the doorbell?

 

Playdough:                I hear no doorbell.

 

Sophomoricles:                If a doorbell rings in the middle of the crock and no one is there to hear it, can it be rightly said that it has been rung at all?

 

(Doorbell Rings)

 

Uselysses:                Why indeed, such a knocking can mean only one thing; The Freshmen have come, and a week prematurely.

 

Agamemorandum:                Perhaps they should seek professional help.

 

(freshmen enter)

 

BANANAS

(To the tune of “Bonanza”)

 

Welcome to TEP where we like to schlepp Grape Soder ™

Welcome to to Tepp it’s frosty and wet and it’s caffeine-free

 

What’s your name?  Where ya from?  What’d ya like to be?

 

Welcome to TEP where the floors are swept BiMonthly

Welcome to TEP where the Crock’s ineptly Rhymed

 

 

Agamemorandum:                Zenana.  I am Agamemorandum, Chancellorious of TEP.  Damn glad to meet you.  Have a Grape Soder™  From whence do you hail?

 

Phil Osophe:                Phil Osophe, from A New York state of mind.

 

Uselysses:                Zenana.  And I am Uselysses, Rush Chairocritus.  Damn glad to meet ya....

 

Erik Stotle:                Erik Stotle, from Athens, Georgia.  Mind if I help myself to a Grape Soder™?

 

Pla + Sop:                Definite bid material!

 

Uselysses:                What do you think of our premium non-alcoholic grape beverage?

 

Erik Stotle:                I come to drink Grape Soder™, not to praise it.

 

Pla + Sop:                Most Excellent bid material!

 

Agamemorandum:                Would you like to meat alph, a drooling alumnus of our house?

 

Phil:                I'd beta not...how about a gam ma fooze instead?

 

Agamemorandum:                I'd rather deltagate it to someone else.  There will be more tepsilon any minute now.

 

Uselysses:                Hey, dinner's almost ready.  Do you like greek salad with zeta cheese?

 

Erik:                Its been a long time since I eta good salad.  Yesterday we had potheta salad with iota-ized salt.

 

Playdough:                Was that “potheta” followed with an “e” at the end?

 

Erik:                No, but it was followed with a kappaccino.

 

(Cast encourgages audience to groan to fill approaching discontinuity in dialog)

 

Sophomoricles:                What does a lambda, mu?

 

Playdough:                No, that's what a cowda.

 

Sen. Ked Tennedy:                Did someone say Chowda?

 

All:                NO!

 

Uselysses:                But there is a nu song about it!

 

(Groans follow.  Playdough covers his eyes and in process pokes his eye out.)^[1]

 

Playdough:                Ouch! I just caused a severe ocular displacement!

 

Sophomoricles:                pardon?

 

Uselysses:                He poked his xi out!

 

Agamemorandum:                Don't laugh...it happened to my Uncle Polyphemus!

 

Sophomoricles:                omicron, what should we do?

 

Agamemorandum:                Cauterize it with a red hot poker...just like my uncle.

 

Phil:                What are you, some kind of pi rho?

 

Uselysses:                That’s really sig-man; just bandage it with this  tauwel.

 

Playdough:                This never would have happend if I hadn’t stayed upsilon last night!

 

Sophomoricles:                 Phi did you do that?

 

Playdough:                Because the rush chairman chided me into it.

 

Erik:                Why not try psientology...They really know how tomega guy feel welcome with those free personality tests!

 

Allistair Crook:                So that's why its called "Greek Tradgedy."

 

Uselysses:                All those puns gave me a sore and bleeding ulcer...would you happen to have a generic brand of magnesium carbonate suspension?

 

Phil:                Would this help? (Pulls out a flathead screwdriver)

 

Playdough:                What is it?

 

Uselysses:                Why, it's PHILLIP'S SCREWDRIVER!  And by fractional distillation, we can remove all that gnasty alcohol, leaving as a remainder...

 

Sophomoricles:                ...a premium non alcoholic brew...

 

All:                SHARP’S MILK OF MAGNESIA!!!!

 

(2.78 seconds of audience groaning)

 

Agamemorandum:                Now you can enjoy Milk of Magnesia all day long!

 

Allistair Crook:                We see here the emergence of a critical exigency in the plot; given the opportunity to move into new and potentially humorous situations, they have fallen prey to shamelessly rehashing the same tired euphamisms and comic clichés.

 

(Chairman add-lib poof-up flame about how worthless we are)

 

Agamemorandum:                It’s not our fault...that joke is like the alumni.  It was funny once, but now it just shows up every year to drool on the carpet.^[2]

 

Uselysses:                The new carpet!

 

Agamemorandum:                And after all, it is...something that we do every year out of habit.

 

Erik:                Isn't there a song about that something?

 

Playdough:                It's more than a song, it's a way of life. But we're not going to sing about it.

 

Uselysses:                Yet.

 

Phil:                So what cool rush activities do you guys have?  Steak and Lobster dinner?  An Olympic sized swimming pool full of ice cream?  Sunbathing with the Sweedish meatball team?

 

Uselysses:                Uh...they cancelled.  But we do have...uhh...THE MANLY TEP OLYMPICS!

 

Sophomoricles:                Grunt!

 

Playdough:                Ugg!

 

Agamemorandum:                And our first event is the Javelin toss; Sophomoreclese, prepare the javelins!

 

Uselysses:                We don't exactly have full size javelins...but they are pointed on one end, and you could sort of heave them......and whoever drops their skewers the furthest wins!

 

(Uselysses holds out skewers for all to take.)

 

All:                Yeah!  (They divide up skewers)

 

Uselysses:                Ready, set...go (Drop skewers.  All look to floor.)

 

Agamemorandum:                It's a tie.^[3]

 

(PHONE Rings.  Playdough picks it up.)

 

Playdough:                Hello, TEP...Oh, Hello Mrs. Castiglianno-Rigatonni.  Yes?{pause}  (holds phone out)  Noise Bitch on line one!

 

Agamemorandum:                I'll take it.  (Takes phone) Yes? Yes? No. Only on Thursdays. (pause) (pause)  I can't hear you...the music’s too loud.  (Hangs up phone.)

 

(PHONE rings again.  Sophomoricles answers)

 

Sophomoricles:                Hello?  Yes....uh huh...The smell of our dinner cooking is exciting your dog?...You wish we’d stop eating?..I'll look  into it.  (hang up and looks at bros.)  Nose Bitch.

 

(PHONE rings. Agamemorandum answers.)

 

Agamemorandum:                Hello?  No, no one died...the hearse in the back lot?  That’s our violent violet 409 cubic inch V8 superturbocharged TEPMOBILE!  Yes, ma’am, it certainly is a hearse of a different color. You want it towed and crushed???!  (Hangs up) Back Lot Bitch.

 

(PHONE rings again.^[4]   Uselysses answers)

 

Uselysses:                Hello, TEP....Yes?  Really?  You don't appreciate our scanning your house for rabid rats with high energy particle accelerators?  Even if it’s only on weekends?  (hangs up)

 

All:                Relativistic Meson Bitch.

 

Erik:                Do you guys have problems with your neighbors?

 

Aggamemorandum:                Are grizzly bears catholic? Does the pope shit in the woods?  Do one legged frogs hop around pitifully in circles after being sideswipped by large diesel trucks on interstate highways?

 

Playdough:                Perhaps a song would help explicate our relationship with our dear neighbors...

 

 

Noise Bitch Die

(to the tune of Blackbird)

 

Noise bitch calls in the dead of night

Take your stereos and turn them down

All her life

She has just been waiting to run TEP house out of town.

 

Noise Bitch calls in the afternoon

Take that damn blue paint off your front steps

All her life

She has just been waiting to get rid of all those TEPs

 

Noise Bitch Die!

Noise Bitch Die!

With a red hot poker shoved through her eye!                (One person only)

 

Noise Bitch calls in the early morn

Your purple obelisk will scare my dog

All her life

She has just been waiting for his prostate to unclog.

She has just been waiting for his prostate to unclog.

 

 

(KNOCK at the door)

 

Mr. Asshole:                I am Mr.Sidney Phonetag^[5], Chief Consul of the NASTTEY...The National Association Subjecting TEPs to Extreme Yuckiness.  I’m here to inform you of a few complaints that your neighbors have filed, using all the appropriate forms and paperwork.

 

(in a solemn voice)

 

You, the members of the Tau Epsilon Phi fraternity, presently  residing at 253 Commonwealth Avenue (Boston’s Champs Élysée) are hearby charged with the following heinous crimes against humanity:

 

(N.B. heinous as in penis)

 

                For generating burnt food odors wafting through the Back Bay,

                For creating the bizarre and incomprehensible writing in the sidewalk,

                For causing Vic’s err...ummm.a neighbor’s.impotence,

                For he Red Sox position in last place (and pulling away)

                For causing the retirement of Johnny Carson^[6]

                For illegitimately impregnating Murphy Brown

                ...And telling Dan Quayle about it.

                Lengthening the Recession by failing to purchase Reebok atheletic footware.

                Deepening the National Debt by not paying taxes on your....on those fees you must pay to MIT

                felling the Roman Empire

                KillingJesus

                And accelerating the impending Heat Death of The Universe

 

While these crimes are thoroughly reprehensible and punishable by death in many municipalities, in the spirit of multicultural neighborliness,we have decided to forgo pressing charges.

 

However, the crashing of your violent violet 409 cubic inch superturbocharged Tepmobile into the Storrow drive bridge abutment and stalling traffic for blocks around and causing Mrs. Castiglianno-Linguini to be late for her Beautician’s appointment, this is a crime that cannot be forgiven!

 

In light of the serious nature of this crime, you are hereby expelled from Commonwealth Avenue, the IFC, the Back Bay, Boston, The Commonwealth of Massachusettes, New England, The Eastern Time Zone, the United States of America, both the Northern and Western hemispheres, and the Elvis Presly fan club.

 

All:                 Not the Elvis Presly Fan Club!!!!

 

 

End of Act I

 

 

The Rise and Fall of the Tepp Empire

 

ACT II: The Plot Weakens

 

Scene 1: For the moment, at TEP.

 

Allistair Crook:                Having been subjected to the unthinkable, The Brothers, in the pit of despair, decide to quit all of the enumerated organizations (excepting, of course, The Elvis Presley Fan Club) before they are kicked out.  To promulgate their canon, they nail 95 Theses (written in Purple Crayon, of course) to the formidable walls of the Prudential Tower.  They bent several nails, but they finally got it..

 

 

95 Theses

(to the tune of “Eleanor Rigby”)

 

 

ah look at all the purple theses

ah look at all the purple theses

 

95 Theses

Nailed to the door of the head of the N-A-B-B,

Soon we'll be free .

In purple crayon

Read all the crimes of the anal retentives 'round here

Feel their fear.

 

All the purple theses

We knew our day would come

All the purple theses

Why did we wait so long

 

 

ah look at all the purple theses

ah look at all the purple theses

 

95 Theses

Which clearly state what we want all our neighbors to do

They haven’t a clue

Look how they treat us

Blaming us all for a series of things we eschew

Such as painting steps blue

 

All the purple theses

We knew our day would come

All the purple theses

Why did we wait so long

 

 

ah look at all the purple theses

ah look at all the purple theses

 

95 Theses

Explain to the Yuppies the reason we’re leaving their state

They’re all irate

But they can’t stop us

There’s not  a thing they can do, nor thing they can say

Get out of our way

 

All the purple theses

We knew our day would come

All the purple theses

Why did we wait so long

 

 

ah look at David Honig’s thesis

ah look at David Honig’s thesis

 

Cognitive science

Trying to discern the distinction ‘tween highways and wood

Oh, if it could

Just a dumb program

Making a path through the world in the best way it can,

Following Ayn Rand.

 

All the purple theses

We knew our day would come

All the purple theses

Why did we wait so long

 

 

Sophomoricles:                Hey, those were our Theses that got staple gunned to the Pru!

 

Agamemorandum:                So what?

 

Sophomoricles:                Now we’ll have to pay the Bursar the extra $25 late fee for not getting our thesis in on time..

 

Agamemorandum:                That’s the least of our problems!  One our 95 theses accidently contained a photograph of a piece of RogerArt™, you know, the giant purple penis sculpture that served lemonade at our last party...the NEA got a hold of it and the federal government cut off all of our financial aid!

 

Sophomoricles:                Oh no! Now we won’t be able to pay...to pay...we’ll never graduate on time!

 

 

Graduate On Time,

(to the tune of For The Longest Time)

 

Got a call from MIT today

“Don’t show up if you aren’t gonna pay.

I will explain this—

This makes the tenth payment you’ve missed,

I do not think you’ll graduate on time.”

 

Went to see the dean of student life

perhaps he could save me from this plight

I asked him sweetly,

Do you think that you can help me,

I really want to graduate on time.

 

Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, I want to graduate on time

Oh, Oh, Oh, graduate on...

 

“Had you gone to class just once last year,

‘stead of staying home and swilling beer

I might forgive you

Instead I’m gonna’ screw you

There is no way you’ll graduate on time!”

 

“Furthermore you owe us forty grand,

We have to kick you out, I hope you understand,

All that money means a lot to us.

Please don’t make a fuss,

just pack your bags and be gone.”

 

I got down and pleaded with the dean,

How could anybody be so mean

I’ll get a new loan

Work my fingers to the bone

I really, really want to graduate on time.

 

The dean said “It is far too late for that,

Petitioning won’t work—I think you’re a rat.

You said you want help to leave this place,”

So he laughed right in my face

And he threw me out the door

So I guess I’ll never get my degree

Forget grad school or a Ph. D.

Professors bate me,

The administration hates me

There is no way I’ll graduate on time.

 

No, No, No, No, I won’t graduate on time,

(Slowly)  No, No, No, I won’t graduate on time.

 

 

<Knock on door, in comes Mr. Phonetag again>

 

Brother Asshole:                What is the meaning of this purple crayoned pile of theses?  Is this some sort of Joke?  I don’t find it the least bit funny!

 

Agamemorandum:                Actually, when literally translated from their native Greek, these theses say, in effect, that the act of physical consummation of male and female sexual organs, leading to orgasm and ejaculation, completely removes and eliminates all reason for you to be here, period.

 

Dear Dead Departed Brother Asshole:                Huh?

 

ALL:                Fuck Off!

 

Uselysses:                ...you dead asshole.

 

Agamemorandum:                The theses are a list of grievences, stating why we left the US of A and our list of demands before we’ll return.

 

Sophomoricles:                I thought we were thrown out.

 

Agamemorandum:                Shh!  Always negotiate from a position of strength when at the upper end of a river of flowing feces without a propelling device.

 

Dead Brother Asshole:                95 demands?!?

 

Agamemorandum:                Well, we had 96, but figured it was too much to ask that the Red Sea be painted purple.

 

Dead Brother Asshole:                Could you give me a quick summary of what you want?

 

(Brothers glance at each other)

 

Brothers: Money!

 

Playdough:                And our own Throckmorton B. Noodleman as president in the White House.

 

Sophomoricles:                Purple House—check thesis #44

 

 

Tep-hemian Rhapsody

(to the second half of Bohemian Rhapsody, by Queen)

 

lead                                I want a little purple teper in the white house

chorus                                Bye bye Bush, Bye Bye Quail, put a TEP in OF-fice             

 

Asshole:                                 How could you discrace them?

Asshole:                                Who would you replace them with?

 

lead                                David Honig, David Honig, David Honig, David Honig

chorus                                David Honig, President (H-O-N-I-G)

lead                                I'm just a poor boy, with out-a penny

chorus                                We all are poor boys, much in need of subsidy

chorus                                Cough up some dough, and we’ll pay M.I.T.  

 

lead                                Student grants, student loans, will you give us dough

Asshole                                You crazy TEPs, we will not give you dough

chorus                                Give us dough!

 

Asshole                                You fools! we will not give you dough

chorus                                Give us dough!

 

Asshole                                 Will not give you dough!

chorus                                Give us dough!

 

Asshole                                 Will not give you dough!

chorus                                Give us dough-o-o-o

Asshole                                 No,no,no,no,no,no,no!

 

lead                                We will leave you, we will leave you

chorus                                If you do not give us dough!

chorus                                You've forced us now to start a new TEP-o-crac-y, crac-y, crac-Y

 

[Gratuitous Head Banging Scene,

That Asshole looks confused and take the opertunity to slip out]

[Headbanging continues, gets worse & more extravagant & dangerous & silly]

 

chorus                                You may think you don't need us but I know that's a lie...

                                'Cause I know that you need us though I sure can't think why...

                                Oh baby, my head's all banged out baby

                                Just gotta get out, just gotta get out of this scene

 

[Realing from headbanging, in a daze]

 

chorus                                Ooh, Ooh, Ooh,Ooh, yah, Ooh, yah, Ooh, yah

 

chorus                                Our heads are banged to soft mush

                                Brains turned to jelly

                                Drunk and crocked and droolin’

                                Perfect state to form our country

 

(Doors Close)

 

Scene 2: At the Front of the Closed Doors

 

Allistair Crook:                We pause for a brief message from our sponsor.

 

Totally Slime Ball Lawyer (Scooter):                 I am attorney Cheever T. Loophole of the law offices of Dewey, Cheatem, and Howe.  Have you been injured in a musical accident causing you pain and/or suffering and/or lost wages?  Are you aware of all the legal avenues available to you to obtain recompense for negligently applied audio stimulation?  We can help.  We have 22 years combined experience in the field of Audio Stimulation Negligence Litigation. Let us be on your side.

 

(Exits.  Doors open)

 

Sissyface:                You know, I’m really not sure about this engineering shit, what with working 60 hour weeks on projects that end up getting cancelled because some bean-counter changed his mind, trying to meet impossible schedules set by incompetant managers who have their heads so firmly imbedded in their asses that it’s a wonder all the shit they spew ever makes it into their interminable memoranda that suck up so much time to read because they have the communication skills of a frozen parakeet and, even when the project’s done, over spec, under budget, and on top of schedule, they still manage to screw it up!

 

Agamemorandum:                That sounds pretty heinous!

(NB: as in anus)

 

Sissyface:                Yes, and you haven’t heard the worst of it...I never wanted to be an engineer anyway...I always wanted to be...a lawyer!

 

 

If I were a Lawyer

(To the tune of “If I were a Rich Man”)

 

If I were a lawyer

I wouldn't ever need this stupid piece of paper from the 'Tute

Passing 8.02 would then be moot

Go to work in my Armani suit

If I were an attorney

 

If I was a lawyer

I could get away with mag-gl-ing the damn subjunctive case.

Forget all the English rules I learned

Clarity is something that I'd spurn

If I wrote in legalese.

 

If I were a lawyer

I would follow up on accidents to find out who to sue

Make them pay until their face turns blue

Next time I'll be coming after you

If I were a sleazebag scum.

 

If I were a Lawyer

Unneccessary lawsuits could become my only stock and trade

My cut is half, and that is how I'm paid

Choose the Porsche in which I will get laid.

when I am a wealthy man.

 

 

 

Scene 3: Back at TEP

 

Alistair Crook:                In the birth of a new country, as a new national identity emerges from the womb of liberty, citizens of the newly spawned Republic meet to discuss a new government.

 

Playdough:                I vote for NeuvoCommunism—We’ll only have to stretch marksism a little bit.

 

Uselysses:                Association with communisimwould be vile pap smearing our good name!

 

Agamemorandum:                Let’s not stirrup too much trouble.  Let’s placent another plan.  (Handing a paper over...)  Brother Amio, cen tesis to the brothers...

 

Uselysses:                Brother Ovum will help us,  He’s a fallo peon.

 

Playdough:                 But he is too busy, he just got back from Peru with a herd of lamaze.

 

Agamemorandum:                (to Uselesses, who is holding a package in his hands)  What’s that you have there?

 

Uselysses:                Sono, gram always sends me stuff.  You know, the house looks really clean now.

 

Erik:                Yeah, it’s immaculate. Conceptionalize how it will look after Rush.

 

Sophomoricles:                 Hey, there are breaking water pipes in the basement!

 

Agamemorandum:                We had breast pump them out!

 

Allistair Crook:                SHHH!!! They’re doing a pun sequence.  We have to have them in the Crock, It’s a...a... thing that we do every year.

 

Agamemorandum:                Yea, one of those... ah..ah... yearly occurring events...

 

Playdough:                A....something we do out of respect for the past.

 

Sophomoricles:                Yea...that’s it.

 

Agamemorandum:                Now that we are independent, we can apply for loans from the  World Health Organization

 

Playdough:                W.H.O.?

 

Agamemorandum:                ...to cure this sudden outbreack of neck injuries.  We can even get aid to repair our Waste Hydration and Annihilation Technology

 

Phil:                W.H.A.T.?

 

Agamemorandum:                ...the toilets on the fifth floor. Right next to the Waste Habitation and Experimental Regenerating Ecology.

 

Uselysses:                W.H.E.R.E.?

 

Agamemorandum:                The trash can. Maybe we can get a grant to study the effects of intermeshing Ayn Rand and Eastern Philosophy? Wholistic Honig Yuh.. Yuh... Hey, What start's with a Y?^[7]

 

Sophomoricles:                No it doesn't; Yes does.

 

Agamemorandum:                Yes does what?

 

Sophomoricles:                Starts with a Y.

 

Agamemorandum:                Start is most definately with an S.

 

Erik:                What starts with an S?

 

Uselysses:                No, what starts with a W.

 

Playdough:                I see.

 

Uselysses:                Hmmm. I think you all are suffering from a surfeit of Wee Hormonal Enzymes Near the brain.

 

Playdough:                W.H.E.N.?

 

Allistair Crook:                How ostensibly witty.

 

Sophomoricles:                How undeniably horrible!

 

Erik:                H.U.H.?

 

Playdough:                Definitely A Very Intelligent Decision.

 

(pause)

 

Uselysses:                And Never Do Reasoning Even When,

 

(pause)

 

Sophomoricles:                Hardly Orating Nefariously Intelligent Generalisms, Or Believe Just Everything Conscienciously That I Vituperate In Seriousness Today.

 

ALL:                       D.a.v.i.d. A.n.d.r.e.w. H.o.n.i.g., O.B.J.E.C.T.I.V.I.S.T.?

 

Sophomoricles:                Hey, I just looked up the application procedure for a W.H.O. loan in an Almanac.

 

Erik:                        Don't you mean WHOM?

 

Agamemorandum:                We need a name and a real government in order to get these loans.

 

Sophomoricles:                How shall we decide what form of government we should have?

 

Uselysses:                How shall we decide how we shall decide what form of government we shall have?

 

Agamemorandum:                How shall we decide how we shall...  Ack!  You two go figure it out. Form a comitteee'

 

Sophomoricles:                Who decides who is on the committee?

 

Phil:                Or who does what?

 

Playdoh:                We'll vote on it.

 

Uselysses:                We could have a supercalifragalisticexpialidociousocracy...

 

Playdoh:                What's that?

 

Uselysses:                Rule by word length.

 

Playdough:                How about a Beerocracy:

 

(From offstage) Rule by alumni!!!

 

 

Beer, Beer at Olde Tee Eee Phi

(To the tune of “Beer, Beer”)

 

 

Beer, Beer at old T-E-Phi

You bring the Whiskey, I'll bring the Rye.

Send those freshman out for gin.

Don't let a sober sophmore in.

We never stagger, we never fall.

we sober up on straight ethanol.

While three-quarters of us all

Lie drunk on the Joff room floor.

 

If there is drinking anywhere

You will be sure that TEPs are there. (TEPs are there!)

If the party lasts 'til one or two or three,

Some brothers always there will be.

 

Chorus: While the newest freshman all lie drunk in the chapter room.

 

The party punch is 80 proof

spike it, spike it.

We need all that alcohol to keep us well preserved.

 

Chorus: While our loyal chancellor lies drunk in the kitchen sink.

 

Our party's much like H. Ross Perot

they say its true

'Cause, well before the party's over

We've pulled out early, too.

 

Chorus: While half of the brotherhood lies drunk in the Chapter Room.

 

Liquor, along with Beer and wine

Liquor, it makes us really shine

Liquor, that extra kicker.

There is no more strife, we feel life is fine.

 

Beer, Beer at old T-E-Phi

You bring the Whiskey, I'll bring the Rye.

Send those freshman out for gin.

Don't let a sober sophmore in.

We never stagger, we never fall.

we sober up on straight ethanol.

While three-quarters of us all

Lie drunk on the Joff room floor.

 

Playdough:                Well, how a Plain-old republic with an eloquent constitution and stuff?

 

Uselysses:                Don’t worry, it will write itself.  Plus, we can always amend it later.

 

Agamemorandum:                We the people...

 

Sophomoricles:                Shouldn't that be “We the persons”?

 

Sissyface:                No, “We the Living Entities...”

 

Erik:                But what about the Alumni?

 

Agamemorandum:                OK, `We the Living and Dead Entities...'

 

Playdough:                But the word `Dead' confers an onus on a disadvantaged group of entities...

 

Agamemorandum:                OK, `We the Living and metabolically challenged entities, in order to form a more perfect Union than our present broken and useless one...’’

 

Phil:                But wait, how can you make anything `more perfect’?

 

Uselysses:                Anything is more perfect than what we have now.

 

Sissyface:                Hey, I've got an idea. How about a Penocracy; One Inch, One Vote!.

 

Sophomoricles:                But what if I'm not excited about a particular topic?

 

Sissyface:                Then you'll just have to arouse your interest by boning up on the issues.

 

Sophomoricles:                I don't know. That sounds HARD.

 

Uselysses:                We've discovered Oil in the Deep Cave!  There's GigaBarrels of it!  We're Rich!

 

 

Oil, Oil At the NEW Tee-Eee-Phi Republic

(To the tune of...Beer,Beer)

 

Oil at the new Tee-Eee-Phi

We’ve struck it rich and now we’ll survive!

The deep cave is gushing crude

Gone are the days of our servitude.

Who needs diplomas from MIT?

Fortune is flowing up to our knee

There’s no bill that we can’t pay

Our troubles have oozed away.

 

 

Doors close.

 

 

 

The Rise and Fall of the Tepp Empire

ACT II: The Fabric Unravels

 

Scene 1: A few weeks later, at.....T$EP.

 

Allistair Crook:                As you can see, the sudden acquisition of untold wealth has begun to unravel the delicate fabric of TEP’s social structure, revealing underneath their natures ill equipped to deal with the harsh realities of political life, like a potatoe slipped into a hot deep fryer, shriveling it and changing its character and texture, but also making it much tastier.  Nevertheless, eye am rooting for the TEPs, who are no small fry; they’re chips off a healthy block, who know there’s more than one way to skin a cat, and will soon correct this hash.  In fact, they have already resolved their problem with their government’s apparatus.^[8]

 

<doors reopen to a house meeting>

 

Phil:                I move we shorten the day to 22 hours and save up the extra for a vacation in Tobago.

 

Playdough:                I make a friendly amendment that the vacation be in Trinidad instead.

 

Phil:                Ridiculous!  That’s way too far.

 

Sophomoricles:                You can’t make a friendly amendment!

 

Playdough:                Why not?

 

Sophomoricles:                It hasn’t even introduced itself yet.

 

Sissyface:                Well, I introduce a sort of stand-offish motion, but it has a really sweet nature underneath, once you get to know it, except no one is really successful at piercing its reserved facade, so it’s miserable and lonely, but does it let on, noooooo...

 

Uselysses:                I introduce a motion that sends those two motions out on a date.

 

Agamemorandum:                White ballot, they’re out of here.  Now we’ll vote on the olde olde business... You all know the routine.  We express our positions with eyes and nose. 

(Pause while the people on stage take their positions 3 eyes, 4 noes, 1 abstain)

OK,   Two, Four, Six Eyes, to One, Two Three, Four Nose - The Eyes have it, the resolution is passed.   What are you doing?(looking at abstain)

 

Erik:                I’m abstaining (covering crotch with hands)

 

Playdough:                We sure have been passing a lot of resolutions lately.

 

Phil:                 Does this mean I don’t get to go to Tobago?  Gosh, this really socks.  Why did we vest control in the democratic process?

 

Uselysses:                If it doesn’t suit you, you can leave

 

Phil:                You aren’t going to suspender me, are you?.

 

Uselysses:                No, I’ll just watch, while he shoes you out the door.

 

Playdough:                Don’t let him get your coat that way.

 

Agamemorandum:                Don’t you two get into any spats...

 

Sophomoricles:                I’m shirt will turn out all right

 

Sissyface:                Don’t flip-flop on the issues.

 

Uselysses:                (looks towards the front door) Oh my galosh, why is the national guard outside?

 

Erik:                Because I locked the door

 

Pla&Soph:                Definite bid material!

 

(KNOCK at the door)

 

Agamemorandum:                The doorbelt! Could that be the freshmen?

 

Playdough:                No, we haven't seen any new freshmen in weeks.

 

Uselysses:                There is a seaweed covered limousine parka-ed out front.  The guy getting out of it is pretty slack-jawed; he really tied one on.  The car had a flat and they had to jacket up...that made him shorts of breath.  They got a spare our of the boot, and a flashlight from the glove box.

 

Sophomoricles:                Yeah, look at him pants.  The chauffeur isn’t even helping!  What a loafer!

 

Sissyface:                I think he’s a dickie, and he looks like a jock-strapping young man.

 

Allistair Crook:                I think this pun sequence finally got worn out.  But who is this mysterious visitor arriving in a seaweed-covered limousine?^[9]

 

 

Drunken Teddy's Sunken Black Sedan

(to the tune of "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band")

 

Over twenty years ago today

Drunken Teddy plunged into the bay

Its been going in and out of press

And its really been a P.R. mess

 

So let me introduce to you

The senatah who's full a beeyas

Drunken Teddy's sunken black sedan.

 

(Musical Interlude)

 

Its Drunken Teddy's sunken black sedan

Don't wait for me to get your door

Its Drunken Teddy's Sunken Black Sedan

I hope that you can swim ashore (glug glug glug glug)

 

Drunken Teddy's sunken,

Drunken Teddy's sunken,

Drunken Teddy's sunken black sedan

 

It's wonderful to be here

We really took a spill

You're such a lovely passenger

I hope you wrote your will,

The car’s starting to fill

 

He don't really want to stop the car

But he drove a little bit too far

And its really hard to call for help

When you're choking on a wad o' kelp

So let me introduce to you,

The one and only Senatah

 

Drunken Teddy's sunken black sedan

 

 

Uselysses:                It’s Ked Tennedy, the famous Senatah.

 

Agamemorandum:                After 23 year’s, you’d think he would have cleaned off the seaweed.

 

Sen. Ked Tennedy:                Howdy boys, want some chowdah?

 

Phil:                Wow, he carries around his own portable chowdah pot?

 

Sen. Ked Tennedy:                Yes, it’s for the times when there isn’t a river handy.  Remember, you can drown in one inch of chowdah.

 

Agamemorandum:                What brings you here, Senatah?

 

Sen. Ked Tennedy:                My limousine; it’s been having trouble with knocking lately.   Mary Jo Kapechne keeps pounding on the underside of the trunk lid.

 

Sissyface:                Perhaps you have water in your gas.

 

Agamemorandum:                No, really, Senatah, what brings you all the way up from Palm Beach?

 

Sen. Ked Tennedy:                Well, boys, this being an Election Year and all, Bill asked me personally to deal with this little crisis.  He said I could take until November if that’s how long it took.  He wanted a man who could defuse this highly critical situation and arrive at a resolution that is equitable for all parties, except for you.

 

Agamemorandum:                So what you are saying is that Goober Clinton doesn't want you near anything important so you can't embarrass him, right?

 

Sen. Ked Tennedy:                That’s beside the point.  You boys may have noticed a paucity of Grape Soder™ and Freshmen around here recently.  That’s because the United Nations have authorized a total Rush embargo until you agree to end this secession.

 

Uselysses:                That means Rush is pointless and I can go get some sleep!

 

Playdough:                Not only that, it means the end of the Crock as we know it.

 

 

It's The End Of The Crock As We Know It

(to the tune of "End Of The World")

 

That's great it starts with a noise complaint

A bit too loud and raucus

Now the crock will be no more

 

Freshmen walk through the door

See the brothers on the floor

Try to stir some interest up

No such dumb luck

 

Speed it up to the limit

Rush Bid Pledge TEP

Bladder starts to shatter

With bad oder—Grape Soder™

 

Tired of the mire

our neighbors have created

Elvis is for hire

In this Rush Week Blight.

 

Never catch us running from the

Fury of the jury of our

Judd...Comm...Reps

 

How the local neighbors babble

Frosh—Captain TEP—Crock

Noise complaint, rush too loud

Get those TEP boys off our block

 

Oh, oh overflow

Raving mad TEPs below

Save yourself and us as well

From the livig DormVoid Hell!

 

Tell me of the end of Rush

And with it near the end of us

 

Freshmen making dog race bets

Tooling on their problem sets

Vitriolic alcoholic slim pot crack shlock

Feeling pretty Crocked!

 

Its the end of the Crock as we know it

We sure hope those alums do not blow it

But they will and the truth is we know it

But I feel fine...

 

4 AM, Crock o’ Power

Should be sleeping at this hour

 

Bake and burn, return

Listen to your stomach churn

 

Brothers in true form

Boom box bass blasting

Every note irritates Noise Bitch aggravates

 

Regulations, Regulations

TEP's damn blue steppes

Watch us crush, Dry Rush

Uh-Oh, this means No Beer

Never fear renegades steer clear

 

Haul 'em in a

Haul 'em in a

Haul 'em in and pledge

 

Noise Bitch terminate her

With pneumatic funnellator

Quite sublime

 

Its the end of the Crock as we know it

We sure hope those alums do not blow it

But they will and the truth is we know it

And we'll be fined...

 

The other night, we're being swell

Neighbors bitch, aw hell

The Crock in ruins, jury-rigged

DAVID ANDREW HONIG

 

Irving Q. Mojo, Captain TEP and Chuckie Vest

Eating luch, Brezhnev's

Scallion pies boom

Symbiotic idiotic

That's the Crock

 

EIT?

EIT!

 

(Doors close)

 

Scene 2: Return of Chappaquidick

 

Sen. Ked Tennedy:                You must admit they have the upper hand with your Grape Soder™ cut off, freshmen locked out, and the National Guard knocking at your door.

 

Sophomoricles:                I thought they rang?

 

Playdough:                We need a good professional negotiator.  If only I was a lawyer!

 

[If I were a rich man starts up on piano, & gets shushed down]

 

Agamemorandum:                I just set up the oil rig in the basement, and have mail-ordered a new derek...

 

[Everyone attacks him & the word derrek, realizes their mistake, & stops sheepishly]

 

Playdough:                Say, with the money from this oil, maybe we could grease a congressman to be on our side.  Maybe they don’t have us over a barrel after all.

 

Erik:                        Hey, that’s pretty slick!

 

Uselysses:                You’ve gotta get up pretty oily in the morning to get the best of us!  We’re pretty pumped (and huge) when it comes this sort of thing.

 

Sen. Ked Tennedy:                Oil?  Hmmm...Don’t think me crude, but perhaps the United States would be willing to rig a merger with your newly founded country. 

 

Agamemorandum:                OK, I gas we’ll have to pick a negotiator to work out our platform.  ANWR we’re at it, let’s get some new jokes for the crock.

 

Sophomoricles:                But how will we decide how to choose the negotiator?

 

(Soph is pummled but not slain.  yet.^[10])

 

Sen. Ked Tennedy:                Well, boys, the other evening, after my nightly swim, I was watching a most interesting show on the playboy, er, um, I mean on PBS, about how penguins determine if there are any vicious killer walrusses in the water.

 

<Brothers look puzzled>

 

Sen. Ked Tennedy:                Allow me to use Jacque’s own words: “And Ze Penguins all gazher on ze side of ze iceburg and zay start moving toward ze edge of ze water.  Zay keep moving closer until a few of zem fall in ze water.  Zen zey stop pushing and watch the ones in ze water to see if zey get et.”

 

<The TEPs all look bewildered, then they shrug and start pushing, shoving, and making penguin noises.  Sen. Ked Tennedy and Sophomoricles `fall' into the water.  The Bros stop and peer.  Ked  is the only one to get out of the water.>

 

Phil:                That was amazing!  How did you do that?

 

Sen. Ked Tennedy:                Experience

 

 

Chappaquidick

(to the tune of "Ein Feisty Berg")

 

A peaceful countryside painted by spring

A crystal river crossing our path

This tranquil setting is such a fine thing

Perhaps you'd like to take a long bath

My darling have no fear

Your screams I'll never hear

I wonder just what you'll feel

In just a moment we'll

 

Drive off that Bridge when we come to it

 

A tragic error was Chappaquiddick

My time could have been much better spen

Your parents call me a bastardous prick

You've stopped me being next president

So let's go for a ride

You just might join my side

Please understand my zeal

For in a moment we'll

 

Drive off that Bridge when we come to it

 

 

Playdough:                Well, That certainly clears things up.  I guess we'll have to appoint you to be our negotiator.

 

(The Senahtah smiles )

 

Agamemorandum:                Our demands are simple: a lifetime supply of peanut M&Ms, sans peanuts, an electric blue roofdeck bathtub, nightly whole body rub-downs by nubile tag-team swedish masseuses....

 

<Doors close>

 

Scene 3: I knew Jack Kennedy.  Ked, you’re no Jack Kennedy

 

Agamemorandum:                Its a good thing we don't have to be bound by anything he negotiates; he's such a pustulant canker.

 

Erik:                Why not?

 

Agamemorandum:                Because of clause G in section XV of chapter 0 of rule 22, which states, ``Tepp is not bound by any treaties negotiated by pustulant cankers unless the treaty is ratified by a 122% majority or the chancellor wants it.'' Pretty good rule, eh?  I slipped that one in when no one was looking.

 

Sissyface:                You know the Oil we discovered?

 

Uselysses:                You mean the oil that I discovered!

 

Sissyface:                It turns out that its PCB laden Fry-O-Later™ oil...it’s a hazardous waste!

 

Uselysses:                Of course, I had donated it to the Tepp Empire for the benefit of all...

 

Agamemorandum:                Blast!  We'll go broke trying to clean it up!  I guess we'll have to accept anything the Senahtah can negotioate for us.

 

Allistair Crook:                please ad-lib something funny here chairman.  About Ked Tennedy .

 

 

(Sen. Ked Tennedy returns)

Agamemorandum:                How did the negotiations go, senatah?

 

Sen. Ked Tennedy:                They got a little bogged down

 

Agamemorandum:                Don't tell me you got swamped with details!

 

Sen. Ked Tennedy:                It was tough.  They straddled the fence. It was an experience I don't want to repeat.

 

Uselysses:                Hurry up.  We didn’t bayou for nothing.

 

Sen. Ked Tennedy:                I’m no quag; mi reputation is infamous.  Don't worry, boys, Things'll be marsh better now. Not only that, there'll be no net loss of important Tepplands.

 

<General Happiness>

 

Sophomoricles:                So we got the ...oh, wait, I’m dead.

 

Playdough:                We got the llifetime supply of peanut M&Ms, sans peanuts?

 

Sen. Ked Tennedy:                Well, not quite...

 

Playdough:                I’m certain you were able to secure the electric blue rooftop bathtub?

 

Sen. Ked Tennedy:                Well, not exactly...

 

Agamemorandum:                Nightly whole body rub-downs by nubile golden-tressed tag-team swedish masseuses?

 

Sen. Ked Tennedy:                Most Definitely....NOT.

 

Agamemorandum:                Well, then, what did you get?

 

Sen. Ked Tennedy:                Well, boys, the US of A will join the Tepp empire, as will both hemispheres, the Eastern time zone, blah, blah, blah,

 

Erik:                 What abou Elvis???

 

Sen. Ked Tennedy:                Yes, you are once again card carrying members of the Elvis Commemorative Plate of the Month Club.  Oh, yes...and you’re once again back in The Back Bay.

 

 

 

Back in the Back Back Back Bay

(To the tune of “Back in what is now the Commonwealth of Independent States”)

 

Driving down the MassPike in a brand new Saab

Turning off at Copley Square

Stopping at DeLuca's for some Cornish Squaab

And a case of Perier

 

I'm back in the Back Back Back Bay

On Boston's Champs Elysee

Back in the Back Back Back Bay

 

Working out in Weston for an S & L,

Gee, its good to play with stock

All our lies have made your life a livin' hell

Playing Fiscal Beat the Clock

 

I'm back in the Back Back Back Bay

On Boston's Champs Elysee

Back in the Back Back

Back in the Back Back

Back in the Back Back Back Bay

 

Well, the Wellesley girls really knock me out

with their fat behinds^[11]

The way those TEPs play Guitar and Shout

It drives me out of my mi- mi- mi- mi- mi- mi- mi- mi- mi- mind

 

Show me 'round your brownstone condos five floors tall

Take me down to Daisy B's

Having kinky sex on private rooftop decks

Eating smoked Norwegian cheese

 

I'm back in the Back Back Back Bay

On Boston's Champs Elysee

Back in the Back Back Back Bay

 

Playdough:                Wait, we have gotten what we wanted, but at what cost?

 

Sen. Ked Tennedy:                Well, boys, we had to make a few trivial concessions.

 

Agamemorandum:                Such as?

 

Sen. Ked Tennedy:                The Holy Tepp Empire of Unified but Distinctly Unique States is too difficult to remember, so We’ll...

 

Phil:                Drive off that bridge when we come to it?

 

Sen. Ked Tennedy:                no.  We’ll abbreviate it “USA.”

 

Uselysses:                OK, we can live with that.  Anything else?

 

Sen. Ked Tennedy:                The Chancellor of TEP can't control the nuclear arsenal because, when he was inagurated, George promised he'd never tell the secret codes to anyone, and we all know George never breaks his promises.

 

Agamemorandum:                True Enough.  OK, anything else?

 

Sen. Ked Tennedy:                We can't use your new purple money, since Coke^® Machines won’t accept it

 

Agamemorandum:                So we have to call the Holy Tepp Empire “USA”, we have to use ugly green money, and we have to trust (but verify) the army and the police for our protection.  Is that all?

 

Sen. Ked Tennedy:                Oh, yes, there are two more small things, boys, so small I almost forgot them.  Full responsibility for the TEPP Oil Reserves shall be invested in the US government...

 

Uselysses:                Excellent!  (a la Wayne)

 

Sen. Ked Tennedy:                ...and you have to pay the Institvte (dire chords) all of the tui...tui...all of that money which you owe them for the classes which, as I understand it, you failed to attend.

 

<Much commotion, gnashing of teeth, tearing of clothes.>

 

Erik:                Wait, do you mean we have to pay

 

<pause>   brothers start to inhale and get tense

 

Erik:                “The price of or payment for instruction?”

 

All, with relief:                Aaaaaahhhhh!

 

Playdough:                There's a Song about that price or payment.

 

Uselysses:                And surprisingly enough, we are going to sing it for you.

 

 

Take me to the Bursar

(To the Tune of “Take Me to the River” by Al Green)

 

I don't know how much more payin' I can do

After all the shit the 'Tute's put me through.

They took my money, my self-respect

Don't even have my Bachelor's yet.

(yeah) And I wanna know how they can bill me now

When I can't afford to pay...

 

Take me to the Bursar,

The word that makes me shiver.

Take me to the Bursar,

No way I can deliver.

 

I don't know why they treat me so bad

All the things (that) I'll never have.

'Cept my tuition, that I can't forget

Twenty-Two grand that I'm deeper in debt.

And I wanna know, can you tell me now

What I am Spoze to say...when they

 

Take me to the Bursar,

The word that makes me shiver.

Take me to the Bursar,

Should have been a Lawyer

They're hosing me down, hosing me...

 

Scold me,               

Squeeze me,               

Rob me,                               

Sue me...                               

 

'Til I can't, 'Til I can't

I can't pay no money Noway Nohow.

 

Send me to the Bursar,

Push me under water

Dunk me in the debt stream

Pushing me down, pushing me down

 

(Wailing instrumental riffs)

 

Don't know how long I can borrow like I do.

My GSL's exceed the debt of Peru

All of this trouble for some sheepskin on the wall

I must be the biggest fool of them all

And I wanna know, can you tell me now

How I am gonna pay... when they

 

Take me to the Bursar

For paying the requisit fees to the Institute for taking classes

                leading to matriculation and preparing me for future, probably

                fruitless, endeavor(s)

Drop me at the Bursar's

Guess I'll be forever

Payin' my loans, Payin' my loans

 

 

Exeunt Omnibus

 

 

Secret Encore of the Aluminatus

 

THE INFANTILE CROCK

(to the tune of Crock-adille Rock)

 

I remember when the crock was young,

Life at TEP was so much fun,

Writin' verse and singin' songs,

Keepin' well supplied with Grape Soder™ and rum.

 

But the biggest kick I ever got,

Was helpin' Malden write the infantile crock,

Writin' jokes and puns that to-tal-ly rot,

Making last year's songs form most of the plot. (Well!)

 

 

Crock writin'

The thing you do when you have got some time to kill.

I never heard such pathetic rhymes and I hope I never will.

Oh David Honig, its Saturday night

We'll never get Teddy's accent right (and the)

Noise Bitch is so in-sane-ly uptight.

 

 

Well the years went by and the crock won't die,

Malden turned in to a normal guy,

Spends all day coding Windows and C,

Leaves work at five to see his new family.

 

But the crock opera must go on,

Even if-it is-not Malden spawn,

We're typin' mighty fast as the time goes past.

Trying hard to make the Phillip's Screwdriver last.

 

 

Crock writin'

The thing you do when you have got some time to kill.

I never heard such pathetic rhymes and I hope I never will.

Oh David Honig, its Saturday night

We'll never get Teddy's accent right (and the)

Noise Bitch is so in-sane-ly uptight.

 

 

So we're gonna try writin' crock this year

Without Joe Malden, without beer,

Those old jokes must seem boring and dumb,

When you're over the hill, got no teeth in your gums.

 

So we can count on your help next year

With your guitar and your tone-deaf ear,

Stealin' songs and forcing rhymes,

Mixing G and T's with gin tonic and limes. (Well)

 

 

Crock writin'

The thing you do when you have got some time to kill.

I never heard such pathetic rhymes and I hope I never will.

Oh David Honig, its Saturday night

We'll never get Teddy's accent right (and the)

Noise Bitch is so in-sane-ly uptight.

 

 

 

Exeunt Omnibus Repeatoroum